My wife developed a single friendship over the last 2 years which now completely consumes her. If she isn't on the phone with her friend, she is reading a text from her friend or talking about her.

She would go to any lengths to have lunch with her friend. She would go to any lengths to explain why she 'COULDN'T' come to lunch with me if I was at work.

Did this friendship affect us... absolutely. Was it negatively... absolutely. I am not saying that you should give up your friends, however, you need to determine what is MOST important to you. If your friends are, then be ready to have your husband leave you.

Pepperband, You are right.

No excuses here we were young (as most couples getting married for the first time are) and our counseling consisted of the minister giving us a compatiblity questionare about children and finances and sex.

When/if my kids are preparing to get married believe you me, Marriage Builders will be discussed with them. Unfortunately when I was young, marriage was presented as "the next step". It was assumed and I would go to college and it was assumed I would get married and have children. I will let my kids know they have a choice BUT when they chose to be married they can't do it half way.

I am here now and plan to do what is necessary to make up for all the mistakes I made.

SD, most of us did have bad habits like this before and during our marriages. That is why we are here. They eroded the love in our marriages. This is what MB serves to correct. Most of us here have abandoned such bad habits in exchange for a great marriage. That is what this program is all about. Just because your husband engaged in this recreational activity before you were married, does not mean he can't give it up now. Your husnamd is "fundamentally" a married man now. His marriage should come first, not his hobby.

If his favorite RC time is spent AWAY from you, then that is a problem to be solved, not something to be endured. Check this out Why Should a Couple Plan to Be with Each Other When They Are the Happiest?

And...I don't think MB means he necessarily HAS to give it up completely.

The activity becomes a POJA issue.

You stated it's an activity you don't thoroughly enjoy but it sounds like an activity, if you were romantically in love with your husband, you'd endure occasionally. Especially, if you and all the kids were doing it together.

I don't know what the activity is...but envision ways to make it more fun for you too. Maybe a more exotic location. If it is, for example, hunting. You may take a trip together to British Columbia to hunt Elk. You may stay in the resort and be there with him but he takes off with the guides during the day but other than that...you are together. Further, you MAY be enthusiastic about 2-4 weekend outings "with the guys" and the kids a year versus 5-10 weekend outings a year provided you make up some time together whereupon he takes the fridays before off to spend the day alone with you or something.

At the same time...you try to develope a recreational activity you BOTH enjoy doing together. Golf is a great one because it's ageless and can be thoroughly enjoyed with other couples or by just the two of you. My mother took up golf at about age 45 and my parents still play golf together several times a week at ages 76 & 79 (and both play individually with the ladies and men at times). There are many other activities out there that work too.

As far as your lifelong girlfriends. If any of them supported your affair....then they aren't very good friends. If you husband insists...you should lose such friend(s). However, MB doesn't say you can't have girlfriends...just that they shouldn't subplant your spouse as your best friend. You may need to shuffle your priorities around a bit. Making sure your conversations and time with them do not interfere with your primary and most important relationship.

Got to run.

Mr. W

Melodylane, thanks for the link. It was very edifying. Clearly that is the crux of the problem. I was wishing and waiting for him to choose me without informing him that it was a test.

Mr. Wondering, it is funny you brought up golf...shortly after Dday we took a lesson together. Spending time together was fun but neither of us loved the golf (I think I am better than him, he,he) We do plan on continuing to try because it is a great sport for all ages and all sexes.

You are also right about his favorite activity. Actually we've managed to combine my best friends and the activitiy as they have begun doing it again as well. I get friend time while he is off doing more daring things and then we get together for a tamer version.

I am nervous about prioritizing my spouse. I know I have to do this and I am getting closer. The sad thing is that until this affair and his attempts at forgiving me, I never felt like much of a priority for him. I was safe because I had other supports. It scares me to lessen them and maybe lose him after all. It is sort of like a catch 22....for him to truly forgive and move on, I need to be vulnerable; however, for me to be vulnerable, I need him to forgive me.

Since I was ultimately the betrayer, I have to bite the bullet....I know.

The wrong support is worse than no support. A bunch of women sitting around bashing their husbands is NOT support, however, I see it far too often in my life. It is a 'sport' and unfortunately, I believe that alot of what is said is embelished, if not actually 'made up' quite often, simply either to 'out do' or at least 'fit in'. I read some of what My wife said about me online to her FB friends... and it was just sad. Not only was it untrue, but it was hatefully untrue. I thought... 'Why would she make up THAT crap?' There is enough that I actually do that she could talk about if she really needed to gripe. But I realized that what was coming back from her friends, was SO MUCH WORSE, than what she could have truthfully said about me, that she couldn't 'fit in' unless things were dramatically embelished.

Saying I came home late from work is one thing. Saying I came home late from work without calling at 6:30 instead of 5:45 is one thing. Saying that I came home LATE without calling and was probably 'f*cking a nurse' is completely another. Should I have called... sure. But sometimes I would just be working a little late and forget, not realizing what time it was. However I NEVER came home THAT LATE... and I NEVER EVEN CAME CLOSE to doing that sort of thing.

But it sounds so much 'worse' when said like that... and it isn't a 'real' accusation, just a possible suggestion. However, when this is said OVER AND OVER again, perhaps not just on this subject, but on several subjects, you can't HELP but begin believing that this is WHO I AM.

If you talk poorly about your husband to a bunch of women who are willing to listen and 'sympathize' you WILL begin or continue to have negative feelings. HOWEVER, if your friends are truly supportive and said... "Do you REALLY think he was with a nurse, or do you think he just didn't realize what time it was?" THAT is a WHOLE different ballgame.

Think about WHO your friends are... and HOW they addressed your affair. If they supported it, they are a detriment to your entire life, because with or without your current husband, you already have a support line to deceit, and it will return and support on a moment's notice. Not only that, but you have shown your 'friends' that you are not to be trusted in the first place.

I have thought a lot about my friends in regards to the affair and my life choices in general. They love me and accept me faults and all. This is acceptance I never felt (until recently) from my husband.

They did know about the affair but did not condone it. Hindsight being 20/20 perhaps they should have told my husband but they truly didn't know what to do and were very afraid of being the reason my marriage ended. Of course that wouldn't have been the case but you can see why someone not schooled in MB ways might think this. I did the same thing with my father's affair because I didn't want to "hurt" my mother. Stupid and regretable but understandable.

My friends do call me on my thoughts and behavior while still being supportive. I think they are as objective as possible. In the past when I condoned abusive behavior from my H, they pointed that out but likewise, when I embellish mildly annoying behaviors, they point that out as well.

I am aware that they can't be totally objective when it comes to me as they do love me. That is why I have come to these boards and have gone to Bible Study and pastoral counseling. You are right, women do like to complain and without seeing the whole picture will make judgements.

I can surround myself with people who would support me destroying my marriage but I choose not too. I myself, have been more careful with my comments to others as we never really know the whole story.

Even these boards can be dangerous if used inappropriately; although the vets on here seem quite adept at picking that up.

Thank you for your response. I am trying to be more cautious with all my outside relationships.

You do realize this is just YOUR opinion. Your husband's opinion of them keeping your secret may differ. He may feel they DID condone it by their silence.

I've seen this issue go varying ways over the years here at MB and just because "I" understood and accepted your point that my wife's friends that knew didn't know better and COULD potentially be friends of our marriage thereafter (some are...some aren't) doesn't mean your husband agrees.

I doubt you are at the point where you'd even consider cutting one or more of these friends out of your life...YET. I just think you need to be aware of the fact that that may not be your decision someday and your willingness, TODAY OR SOON, to respect your husband's decisions may actually save your friendships in the long run. [meaning...short term he may be opposed to one or more of them, but later on in recovery, after seeing your efforts and commitment to him, be more willing to be enthusiastic about them again).

Just a heads up.

Mr. W

Mr. Wondering,

You are correct. This topic is a difficult one. We are attempting to work through it. I think the most difficult part is the DJ's on my part on questioning his motives. He has, in the past, been very controlling so I am not sure if his reluctance to remain friends is due to his extreme hurt OR the fact that they have witnessed poor behavior on his part and "know too much." Thus far, I have agreed to limit these friendships and not confide anything to them that I am not sharing with BH. Of course I realize he has no reason to trust me on this but I am hoping by continuing to be O&H even when it is hard, he will see I am sincere.

I have cut out friends that were clearly cheering me on and those in anyway in touch with OM.

You are right, I am not ready to cut them out entirely, yet, however, I have definitely stopped reacting to his demands and am now thoughtfully considering them.

Thank you so much for your input. It is good to see hope somewhere down the road.

Any friends that knew and didn't tell BH are not friends of his or the marriage. They are enemies to both.

You cannot keep people around that your BH can not trust.

This is known as paying the price of having an affair. You can not just stop doing the OM and have every thing else stay the same before the affair.

You wanted your friends then you should of not put them in the position that you did. It's what your BH needs to feel safe.

SD, I suspect you may grow to question the "love" of your friends as you grow and distance yourself from the affair. I can understand how you were foggy in your thinking, but they don't have that same excuse. They were not fogged out, yet they did nothing to stop you, using silly irrational excuses like they didn't want to "hurt" your husband. Translation: I don't care enough to do anything to help my friend.

Real friends don't sit idly by while their friends destroy their marriages and degrade themselves in the most egregious manner. A real friend wouldn't be able to stand that because she DOES love you. Because she does love you, she will do everything to stop you. Your "friends" are the kind of "friends" who would hand a suicide a gun because they want to be liked. Go read People of the Lie, by M Scott Peck if you want a better explanation.

The behavior they tolerated from you tells me two very important things: a) that your affair was not repellent to their own character, which is revealing of their own character and b) they didn't care enough to stop you. Those are not friends, SD. Being a "friend" is much much more than parroting nice words at you.

I don't have a single friend today who wouldn't call up my H and bust me if I was having an affair. You will probably find yourself questioning these partners in crim...... er, I mean "friends" as the fog rolls off.

p.s. if your bookkeeper was embezzling money from you would your "friends" not warn you because for fear they would "hurt" you?

That would be my concern about that lot. If they wouldn't help you and your H in your greatest time of need, you know you can't count on them in other instances either. They are fair weather friends, fools gold.

Once again, MelodyLane cuts to the truth.

I was/am appalled at the lack of character shown by many "long-time friends" who, when learning of my soon-to-be ex-wife's adultery, simply patted me on the back and said the obligatory condolences and then went on to behave as if nothing were amiss when they were in her presence.

Whether it is apathy, a lack of a moral compass, or something even more sinister (such as seeing an attractive woman now "available" again?) I can't say. Call me a throwback, if you wish, but I have cut those people out of my acquaintance.

I don't want to associate with people who have slippery morals and weak boundaries.

Period.

Yep. Twenty years out, I am still in pain and shock at the memory of some people who did this to my dad when my mother had her affair. These were people who belonged to churches that stood against divorce, let alone adultery! But they invited my mother and her adulterer into their homes and received both of them as friends! While giving my father that same pat on the back.

I really do hear what you are all saying and I agree to some extent. It is just that before Marriage Builders I would have done the same thing and in fact did when my dad had an affair. My husband has also been complicant with his friends as well. Seeing it now, we both realize how totally wrong it was; however, we didn't then so I feel I have to give them the some respect and ability to grow.

As it stands now, they have all said that if I choose to reconnect with OM and they find out, they will go immediately and expose this. They have all questioned their ability to stay friends with me and have gracefully given me another chance.

This is a problem within our society and I am working to change that; however, if I can be forgiven for my agregious sin, then I do believe they can learn from their mistakes as well.

You guys were so helpful before, I am hoping you can help me now. I am still avidly reading here and in the 101 forum trying to get some ideas of what I can do. I have ordered the books and asked my husband to read here and consider coaching but have not been insistant.

Here's my problem in a nutshell. After reading here and examining my issues, I've determined that I have a huge problem being open and honest with my husband. Tied into that, I DJ him regularly.

I justified both of these things by thinking that I was "protecting" him. My lying came about by agreeing to do things I didn't want to do. Acting like I enjoyed things I didn't because I wanted to make him happy. My DJ's consisted of "reading his mind" and guessing what he wanted to do and then doing it. By doing all the "bad" stuff for him, I didn't allow him to experience the "good" things that sometimes come along with it. Things like taking kids to the doctors or changing diapers. Even though those acts are distasteful, they often brought the most unexpected joys. I see that now and am sorry he missed all that. He has a lot of IB that I encouraged thinking it made him happy and also to keep his grumpy behaviors away from me.

Fast forward to today. I had an affair from which we are recovering. Part of that recovering requires that I be open and honest. This is so hard for both of us as we have no idea how to negotiate. I understand the concepts of POJA; however, he is still having a hard time admitting to "wanting" anything that he deems superficial so he will say all is well when it insn't...then he gets drunk or angry and spouts off about my transgressions.

The easist example to explore is sex. I had it whenever he wanted and ususally however he wanted. I also "faked" some things. Now I am telling him when I would rather not but leaving it open to negotiate if he feels that need to connect. He says okay but then pouts or gets mad and says this isn't working. When I ask for specifics, he says I'm not trying.

Do I have sex when I am exhausted and pretend I am into it? Do I have sex but let him know I can't "finish" everytime? Do I set a boundary? Please note that we do it at least 4 times a week so I am not denying him....I just have a lot going on and do get tired. If sex is too volitie an example we could substitute watching a movie or whatever. He gives me choices but when I choose honestly, He punishes me for not picking what I "know" he wants.

This post is getting long and confusing but I really want to fix this. Sometimes I feel like he liked it better when I lied.

Add to all this the guilt I feel over the affair and the feeling like I "owe" him and should do whatever he wants . I am so confused.

Bump.

I really need help! Want to get coaching but no go with hubby yet. Should I just call myself? Can somebody help me with being repetent and wanting to make him happy and not letting my giver give out at the same time?