People sometimes get the vastly misguided idea that if they are feeling neglected in their marriages, they are entitled to go get what they need elsewhere.

For men this is usually sex, and for women this is usually attention/affection.

Women, especially, seem to think that having an affair is supposed to punish the husband for his neglect, teach him a lesson, and make him very sorry for being so neglectful. Then he's supposed to fall all over himself making up for the neglect and taking responsibility for driving his poor poor wife to having an affair.

It sounds to me like this is what you expected your husband to do. Now you are angry and frustrated that your husband that did not react this way - when he was horrifed, shocked, disgusted and angry instead of being remorseful and penitent and sorry that HIS actions drove YOU to have an affair.

Pep,

Hope I'm wrong, but I doubt we will hear from this woman. She doesn't want to give up her OM and go through withdrawal. She doesn't want to face her own demons. She blames her BH for "causing" her affair. She insists he "isn't changing" in MC when she hasn't been honest at all with him and is still pining away for her POSOM. She can't acknowledge the horrific pain she has selfishly inflicted on him.

"My H and I have grown apart" -- got it, GROW BACK TOGETHER
"The pain of NC is too much" -- she brought that pain upon herself and her BH
"I came here for support not condemnation" -- she came here to be told she's a good little girl and it's all BH's fault
"The WS shouldn't be made to feel bad" -- feeling bad is a result of her actions and it's how we recognize our sins

I think there is hope for Springchicken--she is close to self-awareness but needs to get up the courage to tell her BH and leave her job. She just needs to COMMIT to what she already recognizes is right.

I don't see much hope for Lost--I have seen not one iota of sincere introspection, empathy, or remorse there. It is kind of hard for me to read--even knowing that all WSs behave/think similarly, she reminds me verbatim of all the evils my xWW spewed out on me.

Smart move...SC doesn't need any more negative influences. The addiction to the OM is quite enough.

That first posting sounds very, very close to some crap I've heard in my own house. Yikes. Me no likey.

Isn't it astounding how much all waywards sound alike?

It's an alien abduction, I tell ya.

I see you reading ... good for you!

LET'S DISCUSS MARRIAGE BUILDING

It's so gross. Seriously disturbing.

I certainly appreciate your starting my post. I have had NC with OM since 3/18. I wrote the NC letter and BS approved it and we sent it together. It hasn't stopped me from thinking about him and missing him. Unfortunately, I hoped that my thoughts would gradually grow dimmer and less frequent, but they haven't. Plan A doesn't seem to be working as my BS is angry all the time and uses the smallest excuse to yell. So - where does that leave me? I told my BS about the A - as I no longer wanted to live a secretive, double life. While I understand the concept of addiction and believe that 100% complete NC is the only way to deal with it, that's just physical and I can't control my mind. My BS is not helping. So - where does that leave me? My love bank is empty. Truth be told, it's in the negative.

I appreciate your help as backhanded as it is.

Please tell us about your marriage, and about your affair.

LIS...

Have you been COMPLETELY honest with your husband? Have you answered ALL of his questions as many times as he needs them answered?

Your BH is understandably devastated - His anger is very normal - Really it's like you shot him and are now complaining that he is wailing and bleeding on the carpet...Do you see?

Are you being EMPATHETIC towards him? Did you know that the trauma a BS experiences is likened by Dr. Harley to the trauma of rape or the death of a child? That for some BSs the trauma of being betrayed is actually worse than either of those two things?

Have you considered calling the coaching center and setting up an appointment with Steve Harley?

Mrs. W

Your husband knows that his wife is pining away for another man. Your husband lives with this every minute of every day. This makes him feel worse than last week's rejected garbage. I am sorry you are not able to understand this.

First off, your BS should not be in Plan A. You should be doing your best to help him recover from the abuse and cruelty you inflicted upon him. You need to be helping HIM. What have you done to help him recover from your abuse? Or have you climbed down from your high horse long enough to help him stop his bleeding?

Have you demonstrated the same hostile, entitlement minded attitude you have here? If so, I can understand why he is angry. What he needs to see is some heartfelt remorse backed up by a willingness to JUSTLY COMPENSATE him for the crime you committed against him. If you have been reading Marriage Builders, as you claim, then you would know that Dr Harley does not believe in unearned forgiveness, but believes in JUST COMPENSATION. He does not believe, as you seem to, in an entitlement for forgiveness. It must be EARNED. Have you earned his forgiveness? There is no welfare program for forgiveness for waywards around here.

And lastly, I wanted to comment on the self righteous little tirades against board members on Springchicken's thread. You weren't throwing around bible verses when you were involved in an affair. Your use of them now is more than a little hypocritical. We are told in Matthew 3:8 to produce fruit keeping with repentance and if we sincerely repent we will behave differently. Repentance is a change of attitude and action, not just muttering "I screwed up, now forgive me!" and then not restoring your harmed brother.

Rather, true repentance should be sincere and be accompanied by a change of heart. Your hostile attitude and the mis-use of scriptures to shut up anyone who speaks truth about affairs reflects someone who is NOT repentant at all.

I have no doubt that has played a huge part in the lack of recovery in your marriage.

And p.s. do others a favor and stop posting to newcomers until you fix yourself.

LS2,

I'm curious......

Have you taken the time to honest about your adultery with everyone in your life?

I mean... Your children, your parents, your siblings and other extended family, your employer, your minister, you friends, your neighbors, etc. ??

When we do not disclose the truths of our adultery with others, it's easier to hang on to all the old ideas and thoughts about an OP, as being something worth missing. The good thoughts disappear the more we disclose all the uglyness of our adultery and call it what it was!

Welcome. I gotta give you a bit of credit, first for attempting no contact, and second for reading here. Most spouses in an affair don't bother with either. That shows me that you are concerned.