nonplused,<P>I hear you. One of the things my husband now wonders about so much is why he behaved so selfishly during our marriage. For the life of him, he just doesn't understand why he would treat me so badly. He wasn't raised that way, in fact I don't think his father ever even raised his voice to his mom. I was always puzzled as to why he changed so much because he wasn't like that when we were dating. But, like you said, I think he has a lot of issues and the rigors of married life, raising kids, mortgages, his job just got to him. I am no psychologist but I think it was a control issue. Since he didn't feel in control of the things around him, he figured he would just control me and our relationship. Boy, did it backfire.<P>As for me, I think over 20 years putting up with that crap was pretty good. I don't have problems with depression (husband does, I think), but I did feel really down right before I started my affair. But I can't blame my affair on depression. I was just fed-up with the b.s. Period. One thing is for sure, I've always taken responsibility for my own actions. I did it. And I did it because I wanted to. End of story. <P>I don't agree with the part about fulfilling our own emotional needs. If that were the case, then why do we even have a mate? We can comfort and nurture ourselves, but human beings need comfort and nurturing from each other. That's what makes us social creatures. If your theory were correct, then there would be no effect on people who are completely isolated from other humans. And studies have shown that this has a dramatic effect on a person. Children raised in orphanages without a lot of human touch when they were babies become much more withdrawn individuals.<P>But, I'm no psych major, so I can't really debate this with you. I just know what I know. In a marriage or any long-lasting relationship, there are going to be times when each person does not behave as they should and each person makes poor choices. I consider my choice to have an affair a very poor choice, but no poorer than my husband's choice to curse me and verbally abuse me repeatedly. They are both equally bad and equally damaged our relationship. I'm just glad neither is happening anymore.<P>Take care.

Hi. I read everybody's replies which were really quite interesting. But, as for nonplused, I have to kindof disagree with you on the issue of giving 50% and receiving 50% in the relationship. I think that is where it has gone wrong. Once my husband had his affair, I told him that he had to give 110% into the marriage and not less that that. Why,? Because a marriage is equal but it also says that I will do what I am "suppose" to do and that will be o.k. No, it's not o.k. Each partner should always go over the limitof making the marriage work. I don't see how in the world it would go wrong it each gave more than their share. Kindness reflects kindness. Alleyoop, I have to say that you have a great attitude. I am glad to see that you are not down on yourself. Everyone states that you are in control. But, are we? Some of us aren't. Some of us don't know how to be.Some of us don't want to be. Some people are totally dependent on other people for everything. Every person comes from different backgrounds. One female could have had a history of sexual abuse within the family. This would most likely lead her to hating men, developing low self-esteem, prostituting...does this person sound like she would be in control? No, certainly not. So, one cannot generalize and make a statement that we are in control. For some of us, this is true. We do have the control to have an affair or not. For some, like the sexual addict, has no control.