Hmm....OH, you made me think of a good question: What would I do if my H AOed early nthe evening and then later that same night tried to get SF from me?

Well, in the past - it would have been HECK NO. But today with what I have learned, I may have cut the AO short or diffused it with some of the techniques I have picked up here. I believe I have done that recently & we still had Affection and even SF later in the night. Now...If the AO was really bad or unstoppable / unworkable, my H would likely withdraw and pout for the night. So, maybe I wouldn't have to face the question... then again - with the new "us" he may give it a try.

Eeep.

BTW - I feel compelled to mention: We're now registered for the MB program.

You're going to the weekend??? I am jealous!!

heh...

Luri, what is your husband's top INTIMATE emotional need?

Since we are sort of talking about what EN are important, or more special, I think it is worth noting that even Dr. Harley seems to be saying that the four INTIMATE EN of SF, Conversation,. Affection and Recreational Comanpionship are THE most important.

Luri, I don't ever hear you talking about your husband's intimate EN. Just an observation.

JUST ONCE... I would have liked to have 'MAKEUP SEX'!!! Never had it before, and it seems like the MAXIMAL reconnect to ME!!!

My husband tells me that my need to talk about A or B is stupid, LB withdrawal. I reject him sexually, LB withdrawal. I have a conversation with the nice guy at the gym about the very thing my husband said was stupid, deposit, but not by my spouse. My husband has sex the women down the street, deposit, but not by me.

Point, is this. I can have conversation with total strangers but it does not fill the love bank between my husband and me. Same with sex, it can be had outside of marriage, but it does not fill the spousal love bank. So instead of looking at this SF conversation as �what is being met�, sex or some other emotional need, look at what you are getting when you don�t meet the need, love bank withdrawals. What EN you are meeting is different, we all agree on that. But what you are losing is exactly the same, love units. The emotional needs are different, but the currency that is being traded is the same.

It's getting hard to keep up and the shouting is getting really loud.

Sounds like a Seinfeld episode...lol...i too would love to have "makeup sex"...never had it...i'm a forgive and forget guy...my wife not so much...

there is an element of passive aggressiveness that's worthy of consideration...some men and women both have this personality and will use sex as a form of punishment.

We're doing the weeknd - but @ home.

Welcome to the last 4 years of my life!

heh...

Exactly.

If you have a behavior-focused and results-oriented mindset you will see SF as any other need which simply must be met by you if your spouse has that need.

And some will withold Affection, Conversation, Domestic support, Financial support...((should I keep typing?))

Me too! You're not alone. I have had single friends who haven't been sexually active ask me about the whole "makeup sex" thing when I am complaining about my sex life, and I think they are truly perplexed that we haven't had it.

I think part of it is tht we don't fight. We seethe in silence. Can't really have "makeup sex" without a good knock down drag out honest to goodness fight first. Because ven though fighting is often filled with LBs like AO and DJs, it is also filled with a ton of emotional honesty. It comes out in the worst way, but it comes out. Silent seething is devoid of that honesty.

So I suspect after the radical honesty of a good fight, it is very natural to respond with SF in spite of the LBing (depending on the situation of course).

I geenrally don't get into those knock down drag outs. There is one former BF that I used to have really deep and somewhat contentious discussions in which we hardly ever reached a resolution. But the more intense the discussion, the more likelihood that there would be some "makeup makeout" afterwards. And it was the most intense makeout I have ever had . . . too intnense. I sabatoged that relationship BIG TIME . . . so much so that even I was aware of what I was doing and couldn't stop myself.

Live and learn

There is no such thing as "make up sex." If my H and I have done something that needs to be "made up" for, usually a fight of some sort, then I am not going near him for at least a week. After a fight, I can't STAND HIM, much less have sex with him. The thought of make up sex when I am angry, hurt, whatever, is repulsive.

yes, and the topic of this thread is Sexual Fulfillment...

passive aggressiveness can be in the form of withholding affection, conversation...ect...whatever your spouse can do to pay you back for some wrong or mistake you did...regardless of meeting your spouse's EN's...passive aggressiveness is a condition that people have and really don't even know it.

The point is that if my spouse witholds all those other needs, I can do something about it. I can have the need for conversation met by friends. I can have the need for affection met by my dog or my kids. I can hire a maid. I can get a job and support myself financially. Etc.

Can't go have my need for sexual fulfillment met outside the marital relationship (even just masturbating) because this is an attack on the marriage. Getting the other EN outside marriage CAN ALSO be an attack on the marriage. But it is socially acceptible to have those needs met by other sources.

and some perceive it as punishment when it is in actuality a consequence of their LB's.

Look, the facts are:
* some spouses (both genders) withhold SF for myriad reasons that aren't justified in their H's mind, or to an objective bystander. Some are bitter and punishing of their spouse.
* some spouses similarly withhold every other EN in the same way.
* other spouses aren't consciously making a decision to withhold SF or any other EN as punishment, but are either not able or don't feel safe/comfortable doing so because of LB's or **severe** lack of their own EN's being met over *long* periods of time. (and their spouses may think they are in the first category because of COURSE they're doing everything right)

Bottom line, we all need to work on better communication of our needs and boundaries (and holding to those boundaries) and taking care of "our side of the fence" as best we can. Sometimes it works and the other person responds. Sometimes it doesn't and we have hard choices to make.

But we can't make a blanket statement that every W who's not having SF with her H is doing so to manipulate him or punish him. Nor can we say that she is justified because not all are. Every M is different.

Here, here.

I'm not sure I believe in Make Up Sex

Something seems icky about that.

I believe that adults resolve their differences, agree to disagree, or table the disucssion for later.

Every conflict doesn't need an immediate resolution and SF should not be connected to a conflict. I think it should be done enthusaistically by both participants to enjoy each other and to achieve or maintain intimacy.

Seems like that might be a good reason not to have sex until you are "caught."

Bingo! My H and I no longer have fights and he very, very rarely has AO's so we avoid situations where this mythical "make up sex" would be warranted.

congrats on signing up for the weekend, Chris!! you will love it!