It takes about a WEEK for me to feel emotionally close to my husband after a fight. When couples have fights, they WITHDRAW.

It sounds like what you like, then, is makeup openness and honesty, and makeup conversation.

I can tell you for a fact that my wife likes me to meet her emotional needs during the makeup process, and flowers and a night on the town are a great way to do it.

So, you're saying that you go into withdrawl for a full week after a fight? (Just confirming)

What brings you out of that?

a backrub is a form of communication, flowers too and you can have real and respectful communication on a night out on the town. then of course "make-up sex"...

ML: That is for healthy couples who start in a State of Intimacy. For couples who are both already in Withdrawal, fighting moves them both to the State of Conflict. Which is closer together than where they started. Hence the common perception that "fighting brings us closer". Not to Intimacy. But closer than to both being in Withdrawal.

I would rather they ask a direct question if they don't understand. I want a RESPONSE, not a repeat of what I just said. It irritates the hell out of me.

Isn't that funny? I think you are absolutely right. When my marriage was BAD, fighting was about as good as it got.

I would love if my husband connected with me physically in some way, rather than talking at, er too, me.

Makeup backrub, hug, SF, that would work for me. DOES work for me.

Yep. The sting wears off and we grow closer in about a week.

How are they supposed to know they don't understand? The only question that insures no misunderstanding is "I heard you to say ____, did I understand you correctly"?

If I think you asked me to go get a carton of milk. I may not have any questions / doubts. But my lack of doubt does not result in you getting your EN met. If what you asked for was a carton of Milk Duds!

So reflecting is not always worthless.

Nope. I would like safe and respectful negotiations when it comes to our conflicts...POJAing. POJAing and Negotiations replace bickering & fighting as your Marriage recovers.

I believe that it isn't healthy to tie "fighting" to ENs. The process of fighting includes many LBs. I am working to eliminate LBs; therefore, I will not "fight" anymore. I will not initiate a "fight" nor will I participate in one. I will attempt to de-escalate or table the discussion for later and move on per what I am learning here.

Fighting (and its associated LBs) have no place in a Recovered marriage other than as "slip ups" - which we imperfect humans tend to make



Markos,

If you actually have a "making up" PROCESS, you still have work to do because you're still "fighting" and doing SDs, DJs, and AOs. Can a more experienced person tell me if I am off base here?

For you. It irritates me to no end. My H and I understand each other's points just fine. And when we don't we just ask.

Seems manipulative / deceptive when the recipient knows that the minute they attempt to discuss the original conflict / issue again, the back rubbing flower giver may resort to DJ, SD, and AO.

I say work on all of that stuff and do it regardless, but work on POJAing & Negotiations too.

i'm no expert, but those are my feelings and views.

Like Chris pointed out, the solution is to STOP FIGHTING and learn how to negotiate. If my H brings me flowers the day after a fight, it doesn't erase my bad feelings about the fight.

Sorry if I am prying. Please tell me to back off if you think so.

Does he just give you space during this time or does he do anything to re-connect with you?

I think people's definition of 'fighting' are different. I don't think of it as the knock-down, drag-out fight. Perhaps, that is why I wouldn't think that Makeup Sex would be impossible. But Mel does. Her thoughts on what constitutes a 'fight' might be dramatically different than my own, hence what I term as 'desired' is 'unthinkable' to her. However, if I had her definition and experience of a fight, I might think the same thing as well.

We didn't fight... early on in our marriage, my wife would literally spin her head and spit green soup and I would run and hide. It never even got INTO a fight stage, because all He77 would break loose before anything could even be talked about. It put me into 'run and hide' mode and then 'avoid at all costs' mode. We could never talk about anything, because the spinning head routine would ramp up as soon as ANYTHING which could be construed as dislike concerning something about her, would occur.

We did the week 'seethe' as well, but we never got out of it, we just pretended like nothing ever happened... all the while our Love Banks were being hit and hit HARD!

So what you're saying is that you don't like when people mirror back what you said, and would rahter someone just ask a direct question?


I know. I'm a smartass

Mel, I agree with you on the reflecting thing. When people make a really obvious point with all the "I" statements and "I hear you saying..." stuff it's like they are functioning as my counselor, which grates on me. Plus, it takes so much verbage to do some of those "exercises." Why not just say it? If I ask my H to please ask the kids to being their dirty clothes to the washer, and he launches into a long winded "I feel this when this happens" thing, I might actually slap him.

Doesn't work that way in my marriage. I finally stopped irritating the hell out of my wife when I stopped responding immediately and started reflecting FIRST so that she could verify that I was listening and understanding FIRST. Me merely responding and assuming I understood what she meant was making her feel like I wasn't listening to her and was a major love buster!

Me, I would prefer a response, and then only go back to asking about what I said if the listener doesn't understand or if I start to feel like the listener didn't understand.

Steve Harley shared with me a neat fact about his parents: Joyce Harley hates to be interrupted and finds it extremely disrespectful. But Willard Harley would actually prefer to be interrupted if you have something important to add about what he is saying, because he would rather not keep talking based on possibly false assumptions. He finds interrupting quite natural.

So, they each communicate in the style the other prefers: Dr. Harley does not interrupt his wife at all, and Mrs. Harley is free to interrupt him whenever she wants.

Seems to me that any attempt to get what you want at your spouse's expense ie - not negotiating = a fight. And a fight can fall anywhere on a continuum of quiet and "polite" to ugly with yelling & cursing to full frontal fists.

Again, if I am displaying Newbie-type ignorance someone tell me so.