I must have mnissed whn you first poted that ML.

You are SO right. If I had O&H in a healthy relationship, then I would definitely not want fights.

As it is, right now I actually WANT fights sometimes, because that seems like the only way we can be O&H. Boy, is that disfunctional? And I didn't even recognixze it until you just posted that!

I disagree with this because a single nasty fight can wipe out a full lovebank. My lovebank is very full [and I have proof of this] but I assure you that a nasty fight would have a devastating effect that would take a week from which to overcome. It is much harder to recover from fights when you are in a state of intimacy than NOT. Before we were in a state of intimacy there wasn't much to lose anyway because we weren't emotionally close. There is a huge contrast effect.

Not really. I am just trying to be entertaining while stating my POV.


I THINK he wanted me to pick out some specific items for refutation. It's a game I will not play. I know better now. He has stated that he has read the entire thread and has alredy not come to the same conclusion as me; therefore, what reason could he have for wanting me to pick out specific posts?

Are you about to tell any of the males about their "reactive" answers?

Markos, Some couples do.

Question: Have you experienced this with your wife?

OMIGOSH, you bring back so many memories. Our marriage was so BAD and we were so dishonest with our feelings that a fight was actually an IMPROVEMENT at one time.

I can relate completely to what you are saying, TTT. And yes, it is dysfunctional and yes, you can change this!

Please post a link to where the ENs are classified as "intimate" and "not intimate" by Marriagebuilders.

Thanks.

Why are people here @ MB saying "fighting" is healthy?

A healthy marriage involves discussion of differences - not the AOs, SDs, and DJs which come with a "fight." AOs, DJs, and SDs are Love Busters!

This is hard work on both sides, hence the strong emotions.

I wish that it were not so difficult for my wife to feel emotionally close or to enjoy the physical sensations from sex. If it were easier for her to feel that way, maybe she would consent to sex more frequently.

My wife wishes sex was not important to me. If it were easier for me to remain in the State of Intimacy without sex, then maybe I would meet her ENs more frequently.

Marriage is hard work. Some of us find it inspriational. Some of us find it daunting, to the point where we have given up.

Sex tends to be the arena in which this is played out because it is typically more difficult than other ENs to provide when not in the mood or to obtain when one's partner is not forthcoming. It tends to arouse strong passions, although many times in opposition rather than in favor.

This argument will likely never end as long as the typical male produces more testosterone than the typical female.

Wow, maybe this is why I am so afraid of intimacy...we've sure had some nasty fights....

Arguing is still a form of communication and some people aren't good at communicating and when arguments/disagreements arise, they get defensive and lose their cool.

There is an effective way to argue and not lose control and let it turn into a nasty fight and make huge withdrawals from each other's love banks.

I don't have time to look for links, but he does discuss this in his book Effective Marriage Counseling. He classifies 4 needs, Conversation, Sexual fulfillment, Affection and Recreational companionship as "intimate" emotional needs that make the GREATEST lovebank deposits. Mark covers this somewhat in this post: here

Is that POJAing?

Methinks - yes.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

Thanks!

Arguing is a lovebuster, and not effective "communication." Arguing is not recommended anywhere by Marriage Builders. What MB teaches is respectful negotiation. Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

Bingo!

Melody,

Question: Why does it take you a week to "recover" from an arguement?

Thanks.

WOULD YOU BE OPPOSED to a makeup BACKRUB, FLOWERS, and a NIGHT ON THE TOWN? (feel free to insert any and all of your emotional needs instead)

It's also in I Promise You and His Needs, Her Needs For Parents, I think. Those are the four intimate needs. IPY mentions that at one point Dr. Harley thought about telling people to just focus on those needs, alone, regardless.

Then it is even MORE important. Because if they 'reflect' back what they thought you said, and get it wrong, wouldn't you want them to understand it and get it right? Or would you rather they sit in ignorance of what you truly meant, and work with what they THINK you meant?

Personally I would rather them reflect incorrectly so I can restate my point, than sit there and THINK they understand what I mean, with them 'understanding' something completely differently from my intent.

IMO

Yes - In absentia of real and respectful communication that's just as empty & pointless as "make up sex".