I totally agree with you. Why put yourself thru misery for a man who, after all, would still be with OW if she had not used him and dumped him.
You are always an inspiration.
Well since we are on the topic of predictions here is mine.
My H's OW is a low life with 2 kids and a heart condition.
I bet that she will get pregnant by my H and find a way for him to pay support for her and/or to have him move in with her.
If I am right...he will get what he deserves!
blessing

LLL you rock..and its true.. theres no fool like an old fool. What was he thinkimg? well guess he wasn't.

Good luck to you and take good care of yourself. let us know if anything changes that we can help with we are allwaysaround

LLL, how did you find out the news that OW dumped your XH?
blessing

The friend of my H's who earlier tried to talk me into approaching my H to "help" him after his medical issues came up was in a coffee shop I stopped at yesterday. I had earlier told him I couldn't help H as H didn't want me in his life any more. I don't think he's given up hoping I will take H back.....but my XH (have to get used to calling him that)has never once indicated he wants anything to do with me. I told friend yesterday it was all too predictable but changed nothing between H and I.

Wow, LLL, you certainly nailed that prediction.....

Well, glad that you are doing well and that you are comfortable with your life. You definitely seem at peace with your situation.

Thanks for checking in!

TB

I also think it's great that you can afford a housekeeper. One less thing to think about in this difficult time.

TripleL

You have been here four months.

Most affairs fizzle out quickly.

This is why people are told to wait six months before making important decisions such as divorcing.

I have been on this board long enough to see that most affairs last more than 4 months....and some last longer that the actual M.

Even if they did last as little as 4 months, LLL's XWH has not shown any intention to R.

Good job LLL!

Blessing

"Even if they did last as little as 4 months, LLL's XWH has not shown any intention to R."

Triple L threw in the towel before six months. This is the point everyone is always advised to wait before making important decisions. She pulled the trigger rather fast.

"LLL's XWH has not shown any intention to R."

No he has not. Nor did LLL. Reread her post from the beginning. She was a BW that was looking to justify and get support to go plan D rather then plan R. They were married, but they were not buyers, but rather renters.

Which no one is willing to see.

Well how about if we call the them long term leasee's?

** A reminder to post respectfully, or not at all please. **

as the betrayed spouse she had every right to choose NOT to recover. the choice was hers. (NOT her husbands and certainly NOT ours......)

TheRoad, I disagree totally. She was not a renter - she thought that they were in a long term marriage until he started seeing skanko. She, just as every BS, does not have an obligation to R the M. Any BS has a right to Plan D at any time after an A. It is only by the BS's grace that the WS even has a chance. I have no idea where you get the 6 month comment from. As I am sure you know, Dr. Harley even stated that an A would end his M.

LLL:

I am not surprised by this recent turn of events.

And I am not surprised that ExH's "friend" keeps popping up.

He is being sent to find out about how you "feel" Sorta like 5th grade... Jimmy likes Mary, but Jimmy can't ask, so he has his friend Mark ask Jane to ask Mary....

If your ExH wants to recover this marriage. He can make a call.

You did what you had to do. It is recommended around here that you "protect yourself" by filing, but that you slow down the process, to allow the A to die.

You Don't HAVE to do this. So, I 'm cool with what you had to do.

Expect more feelers from ExH.

LG

Stopping in to update a little. Have been reading others' posts and its sad to see so many lives so crushed by the fallout of affairs. It's just such a huge drain on everyone involved....

I'm doing well and enjoying my life although there are days I wake up and can't believe what's happened in the past year and how my life has changed. I have my lonely times, but for the most part I live in a well-ordered, comforting and enjoyable way.

I did have an interesting experience this weekend when I was at a reception for friends celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. XH was there. I knew this was a possibility as friends has told me in advance they knew it was awkward but felt both of us were their friends for years and they at least wanted to extend invitations to both but let us both know in advance. My feeling is I won't avoid places and people just because XH might be there.....I have nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.

He was there alone as was I. I hadn't seen him in quite some time. I must say I looked fabulous and he looked like a slightly dishelved old man. I was shocked by how haggard his face looks, he walks slightly stooped and looks like he hasn't worked out in a long time. I decided to be the bigger person and went over to him in the crowd standing around having cocktails because he seemed uncomfortable and not interacting much with anyone. I said hello and isn't this a nice event for friends X and Y? He said hi, you don't have to do this. Basically, he seemed angry at me. Tone of voice, facial expressions. I said ok, just wanted to say hello and walked off. He left soon thereafter. Everyone came to me to express how well I looked and how he looked uncomfortable and in ill health.

I tried to be cordial and got the angry shut down. What is this? He acts mentally ill. Maybe he is. Could he be angry because I didn't fall apart without him? Is he upset because he looks like a fool? WHAT????? I'm not going to ever try to approach him again to just diffuse tension....it certainly didn't work.....

For whatever reason, most WS's become angry and hostile towards us. My XWH was exactly the same. When I saw him in court he wouldn't even look at me. He has made it clear with my DD and a friend that he wants nothing to do with me. Since the A, his health has also gone down hill with a heart attack and who knows what else. In court, he walked with a limp and looked "pasty."

They somehow blame us for all of this. It's easier than admitting how wrong they were. It's a combination of guilt, shame, confusion and many other emotions that they are dealing with. I'm not surprised that he reacted the way he did.

So are you sure the A is totally busted?

ITA. This is the same in my case. Just yesterday, I was told by a friend who talks with The Leopard often that she wants to "confront" me about my behaviors.

My what? She was furious was I exposed her affair and to this day continues to fester in anger that I "ruined" her dream life with Mr. Right-now.

She also looks awful, and according to my friend. is miserable. The reality that OM is only after sex and not a future with her is hitting home. Her career is gone forever, and without a college degree, her employment options are limited. Especially in this economy.

Despite all this, I am somehow the cause of all her problems.

What amazes me is how similar wayward behavior is to personality disorder. While I believe The Leopard is so afflicted, I would not make that assumption for every wayward.

As Dr. Tara Palmatier writes

thanks for the update

As far as I last heard, H's student/OW left to go to the West Coast for a job after she completed her degree. So, I am guessing their relationship is over, however I suppose it's possible they are maintaining long distance contact. I don't think anyone is close enough to H anymore from our old group that they really know anything about his personal life.

I of course think about what happened a lot. I can only say I still feel like I made the right decision by cutting my losses and divorcing quickly. He is still a mess over 6 months later and seems no closer to being "normal" for the person I knew for 29 years. I can only assume I would have been dragged into his hell along with him if I had tried to stick it out and wait for him. I am more glad than ever that I was decisive and kept my world from spinning into his. I have a good, calm life filled with friends, dogs, work and travel. I have a lovely home and garden and feel the world is a good place. I have peace of mind, although my old H is still held dear in my heart. I don't know the new XH at all.

LLL its his guilt and the fallout from it why he acts that way. He still blames you for his mistakes somehow. He must have blamed you for his unhappiness to have an affair right?

You were right to be kind. He was wrong to act that way. But thats allready been established that he is acting wrong and thinking wrong.

Thanks for the update ..

I can so relate to this sentiment, LLL. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.