I think you are wrong about the D. It will be hell from the first day, and the rest of your life. You will carry it to your next relationship or marriage - you know, the one without you being able to see your kids every day or even when you want.

Please focus on yourself. Please find out what her ENs are start working to meet them. You can do it! You two can end up having the marriage of your dreams, and be together to play with your grandchildren.

Good luck Melody.

This may shock you,

This forum is a great support network!

As a FWH, this place is highly credited for the miracle of saving my life and my marriage! Second only to the help of an awesome God!

EXACTLY. You see if you do not work through your issues then where ever you go...YOU GO. You will become a part time dad to 3 wonderful children. Your children will suffer DAILY for your bad decisions. Your BW will become a single mom to those kids. Then wait until some other man steps in and replaces you as full time dad. Oh yeah, there are bucket loads of pain associated with D. It is def not the "easy" way out.

I concur with tst that this a great place of support for WS as well as BS. I happen to have been both. MB has helped me grow and learn so much and I am forever grateful to the people who give of their own time to help.

I get all this. I think you're zeroing in on my words like I'm trying to skirt the fact that I F!@#ed up royally and hurt her. Let�s not create a request for amnesty were there isn�t! I'm merely asking for advice on how best to help her and treat her the best way I can. I'm asking for constructive advice not creating an open invitation to bash. But if this helps you in your recovery, bash on. As you could never do more damage to me than I to myself.

I've had four sessions with Steve so far and my current assignment is to make her understand it wasn�t her fault I had the affair. I'm open to advice on where to start with the books.

The affair was revealed 5 months ago, but true full D day wasnt until about 2 months ago.

Geez, socal settle down. You are most definitely NOT getting a beating here. I already said because your wife was pregnant during your A that you will need to be full of patience and loads of compassion. She will trigger and not always know why. She is hormonal! She needs to know that you get what you did and why.

If you have not figured out the why yet WE can help you.

It may seem like we are zeroing in on words but the words you choose say a lot about where you are right now.

So'Cal, the best advice we can give you is to QUIT YOUR CRYING. Ya ain't a victim. Stop focusing on your own "pain" while your victim is bleeding on the floor. Face up to what you have done and show her in every way that you are willing to do what it takes to help HER recover.


I would outline to her how your poor boundaries led to your affair. For example, if you had opposite friendships and spoke to women about your personal life, or flirted, or whatever, I would list that out. Tell her how your poor boundaries led to your vulnerability to have an affair.

So let's go back to tst's post to you. Can you answer these questions?

We are just trying to help, not to bash. We get that you feel remorse and want to make things better. If you didn't, nobody would waste their time!

You are salvageable! You are listening to Steve, you are listening to us, you are trying to apply the concepts. I am going to be blunt now.

One of the points I was trying to make earlier is that you are expecting too much too soon from her. I get that you want things to be better and that is great. She can't do more right now. She stayed with you, she is reading posts. That is great. I meant it when I said that I wanted to rip my husband's face off. I meant it when I said he took a sledgehammer to our life. He made the choices, I didn't get to have a choice. I just got the consequences. That is where your wife is right now. She has three little kids and one is a baby. She is tired, she is probably sorry she met and married you. You ruined what should be a wonderful time in her life. She didn't deserve it and I am thrilled you are making her understand it wasn't her fault.

Please make it worth her while to stay longer. Please start focusing on her ENs without expecting her to even care about yours yet. I suspect that if you do so, she will start to blossom a bit and eventually will ask about your ENs.

Hey Socal, don't I know you?

I am not sure I believe this. You have received some very constructive advice and you cried that you were getting "bashed." You might too sensitive for all this.

Do you think you might be able to put aside your sensitivity long enough to listen?

socal, when I became the WW here is how the whole sordid mess started. I had a co-worker I joked around with a lot. Over a period of time we started to lunch together. We got assigned to work MORE closely together so our lunches became daily. At first we talked about work. Then it got more personal and I started to vent about my H. I was angry and resentful toward my H which made me even more vulnerable to an A. One day I made the fatal mistake of telling OM I was attracted to him. Game on. Nothing glamorous, nothing special. Just very poor boundaries and a very selfish attitude on my part.

BTW, I am glad you are here! You are doing the right thing by asking for help and advice from others who have walked this EXACT SAME road! Good for you!

If you stick around you will heal much faster than those who run away...just ask my FWH.

SoCal,

First, thumbs up for doing as your BW requested, she was wise to ask you to post here.

Second, have the courage to stay on this forum. The bashing that you perceive from others, is a piece of sand, compared to the
devastation that your BW is feeling.

Third, listen and post honestly. Your thinking is skewed, think about it, what you believe and feel, led you to adultery.
It takes time to change this, you WON'T understand yet. Have patience. It's possible ..... if you stay and learn.

If you leave, it will be from fear of looking in your own mirror.

Here, this may help:

Most Common MB Acronyms (Alphabetically):

AO = Angry Outburst
BS = Betrayed Spouse
D-Day = Discovery Day
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling/Dear Husband
DJ = Disrespectful Judgement
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
FWH = Former Wayward Husband
FWW = Former Wayward Wife
FOO = Family of Origin
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed")
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
LB = Love Bust(er)
MB = Marriage Builders
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
RA [/b} = Revenge Affair
[b]S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SF = Sexual Fulfillment
SO = Significant Other
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WW = Wayward Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")

Relationship Acronyms:
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
DD = Darling Daughter
DS = Darling Son
FIL = Father In Law
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
MIL = Mother In Law
SD = Step Daughter
SF = Step Father
SIL = Sister In Law
SM = Step Mother
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex

Maybe.... You probably do. Is my fumbling here all that suprising?

Well if you are a friend of MF then we are even more happy to help your marriage!

Not really, I lived with hearing the exact same things and I've seen it here hundreds of times!

Can I ask you to do me one favor and it's for YOUR good and also for your BW's good? When you read a post that really pisses you off, please, please, please realize that it's probably because there is at least some grain of truth in it?

I'm sorry if that hurts and you're mad that I said that...but we want you guys to heal and get on to the "good part" of repairing your M and we soooo want it to happen faster than it's happened for us. My FWH has shared with you all the mistakes he made and why it's taken us forfreakingever to heal.

We don't want that for you guys. And trust us, you don't want it either.