No Vibrissa, I don't go around DJ'ing my wife...what I think and say are two different things...I know my wife better than anyone here and just because I may use these forums to sometimes rant a little, doesn't give you the green light to pass judgment...

If I said..."This is what I said to my wife...yada, yada, yada"...then yes...you could say I DJ'd all day long.

The solution is for my wife to learn to be happy with who she IS and to feel comfortable with who she IS in her own skin...But thanks for your concern...

What I think they're saying is that you ought to line those things up. Be congruent in thought and deed.

At least YOU think so. But if you're thinking it, you're acting on it. And you seem to be thinking it a lot.

You shouldn't be DJing your wife ever, not even in the safety of your own mind. Because your thoughts DO color your actions. I've yet to meet a person where that is NOT the case.

In either case - if it's in your head and you're not saying it, then you are LYING to your wife. So either you're DJing her or your lying. Neither is healthy for a marriage.

It would be better to just eliminate DJs all together, no?

And I fully understand about DJs - they are so easy to commit because you can deceive yourself into believing it's all for your spouse's own good - because they're motivated by the love you have for your spouse.

Doesn't make them any less abusive.

And while you may feel judged - I'm pointing out a place where YOU can do something to improve your marriage. Something YOU can fix to improve relations with your wife.

ETA: For your wife's own good you think she should care LESS what others think of her. She should just stop worrying about it. That is disrespectful of her feelings.

I'm sure she knows you feel this way. Even if your words say different, people can read subtext very well.

She knows you think her perception of the world is 'wrong' and it's her own fault she's unhappy.

Imagine if she had your support, instead of your disrespect...

she has my support...in any decision she makes...she wants to be a SAHM...fine, do it, you'll make the best one there is...she wants to go back to school and be a career woman...that's great...do it...you'll be a CEO one day...

going back to the "no identity" issue...she knew going into this whole SAHM deal, that in doing so, she was going to have to give up some things...one being a career...

...one being dependent totally on her husband financially...let me say that again...one being dependent totally on her husband financially...this is where the root of the problem lies...

my wife being raised by a single mother, instilled in her a very independent nature...her mom relied on no man to support her...she was also Bipolar and has been divorced and remarried 6 times...

now in reality...being an independent woman, putting herself into a SAHM role, who really doesn't like the fact that she's now dependent financially on her husband...kind of puts me at a disadvantage, don't you think?

How does a woman, with an independent nature deal with having to get permission from her husband to do things as it pertains to money?

So to take a lioness who by feeling guilty for her cubs, puts herself in a cave and relies on her lion to go out and kill for the family, when she wants to kill and provide too, makes life in the cave a little uneasy sometimes...

I can't help her depression...is it situational?...you bet it is...is it my fault she's depressed?...I'm not taking that blame...she chose to be a SAHM, yet I have to deal with her bouts of depression...I can meet ALL her needs, walk on eggshells, give her a happy home, and if she doesn't get the need to feel she has a cause, a purpose in life and get "respect", "achievement" and "recognition" from that...she'll NEVER be happy.

It's taken me a long time to figure that out...she and I have been going to therapy since last year...I go on Thursdays and she on Fridays...I don't even know why the hell I go...we see the same therapist, and even she is dumbfounded as to why she's not able to move past the hang-up of having to rely on a man...

hell life is too freakin short, enjoy life, enjoy your family, enjoy our health...one of us can be taken from this life tonight and a screwed up life you thought you were living is really turned upside down.

Why does she need permission?

If she was making her own money, would she ignore your desires as what to do with it?

That's your problem right there. It's either 'yours' or 'mine', there is no 'ours'. ("your" problem as in 'the problem in your marriage')

Why are you both in IC? Have you heard of this great program, Marriage Builders? You should try it, it will take care of that 'his and hers' problem you've got.

Soooo... I'm supposed to gather from this long ramble... what?

That your way of thinking as summed up above is 'right' and hers is 'wrong'?

That she needs to get over her 'hang-ups'. And just enjoy life, because you WANT her to. If she'd just stop with her 'wrong' thinking everything would be better.

That she won't be happy unless she gets "respect" "achievement" and "recognition" (again I'm sensing belittlement with the unnecessary use of "s)


She doesn't need 'permission'. It's her money too. Your attitude in this can go a long way in fostering this idea. Whenever she mentions permission- remind her that it is HER money just as much as it is yours. HER work is just as valuable as yours, I'd say even more so, but that's me. I make 3 times the amount of money as DH. It's still our money. When DH was working and I had no income, it was still our money.

What if you sincerely gave her respect and recognition of her achievements? I doubt you can do that, because you can't even do that here. Your recognition probably stinks of throwing a dog a bone.

She seems to have a high need for admiration. What are you doing to fill that need? Are you admiring her morning and night. Are you daily praising and thanking her? Are you daily telling her you recognize the good she is doing?

When/ if she poopoos your praise, do you tell her it hurts when your honest praise is rejected? Do you do this respectfully?


A SAHM doesn't have to be totally financially dependent on their husband. Is her name on the house? Does she have a car in her name? Do you have life insurance in case something happens to you? Does she have marketable skills should something happen to you - where she can support the family?

To me - financial dependence means if the person I am dependent on dies, I'm up the proverbial creek. Now, we want DH to be a SAHD in a few years. But if anything happens, he is fully capable of living and supporting himself. He will NOT dependent on me for financial stability. I'll just be bringing home our family's money. OUR money.

Again, another post of how she is 'wrong' and you're doing all you can (short of getting over the idea that she is 'wrong' - because, she's just 'wrong')

are u saying something?

Apparently not, good luck!

I really hope you are able to realize how painful it can be to live with someone who thinks they know what is wrong with you and how you should fix it. It seems well-intentioned, but as other people have said, it is full of disrespect.

We are only strangers on some forum, telling you how to fix your marriage, not your own emotional problems, but you are already not too pleased about it. How much worse would it be if you were really struggling with being unhappy in your life and we told you that you should just "learn to be happy." Maybe you have not told your wife that, but if you've thought it, and you have because you wrote it here, she has gotten the vibe.