Uh-huh. My H's AP wrote him the same letter. It created quite a bit a teen drama between them, which only served to heighten the forbidden romance aspect.

For a month the notes between them went back and forth about whether she really meant it, with my H declaring his undying love, blah blah blah. She told him in secret that she just wrote it to appease her H, who was threatening to tell me.

Only when he exposed did the A end.

good advice! i don't know why i didn't think about it. just keep calling back. but what if they change the number? it's all that i got. i think my formerly wayward husband is supposed to help me contact her husband by giving me the information i need? correct? or is this just triggering him again. i definitiely do not want him in contact with HER.

but i think he should apologize to her husband.

or his wife since the original poster on this thread is a he. his wife should have to live up to the consequences of her actions with includes dealing with the om's wife. this is a natural consequence and how people grow up and learn from their mistakes.

but i definitely am a little afraid that getting in touch with the wife or husband will mean our spouses talking to the affair partner. maybe i should just be the one to make the calls. how can i be sure it won't just start them up again otherwise.

actually(thinking about this) i don't want my husband to ever ever hear the sound of her voice again. it makes me sick to think about.

huh? How will she know who you are if you send it anonymously? Why in the world would you do that? You have done nothing wrong. You don't have to hide like a cockroach. Exposure does not mean keeping secrets. It means to EXPOSE. It means you call the lady up, GIVE YOUR FULL NAME, ADDRESS AND PHONE #, and then tell her that her husband is having a full boat affair with your wife. Then give your wife's name. Offer to meet the OMW to give her all the evidence.


This is the alcoholic swearing "I'LL NEVER FALL OFF THE WAGON AGAIN!! I SWEAR ON MY HONOR!!" on his way in the bar again. The letter is meaningless. And makes not a whit of sense given that she will be in contact with him every day. She will be tempted each and every day. You are looking at YEARS of an on-again, off again affair.

Another thought. The OM needs to know for sure that it was you who exposed. He needs to know that your middle name is HELL and it is coming for him. You are not the one who needs to hide here. *HE* needs to hide because he is the one who did something wrong. I would not only make SURE he knows you exposed to his wife - and everyone else - I would send him this: here


Don't ponder too long because that will be months or years before she becomes that remorseful. That is far, far off. She owes the OMW an apology but that has nothing to do with exposure. That exposure needs to come from you NOW.

Cap, I want you to stand up, stretch, then reach down and yank up your belt! YOU are in control, here! YOU have done nothing wrong! WHY in the WORLD would you even consider doing this anonymously??

You need to MAN UP and take control of this, Cap. You think your WW is going to? That naive little thing who snowed you for months?? Who carried on an affair under your nose and you didn't even know it??

Call that snivelling little marriage-busting coward's wife and let her know the truth. Give her your name. Give her the info.

Don't expect anything from your WW. She may never be woman enough to apologize to OMW for the terrible harm she inflicted upon their marriage.

Plan Hope is a plan for failure, Cap.

Cap,

Like many BS'es on this board, you're gripped with fear. It's ok. We've all been there. It is absolutely critical that you expose to the OMW and do so with a phone call or an email. Don't hide who you are.

If your WW is sincere, then she will deal with it.

You have years and years of experience here talking to you. We have all dealt with spouses that we trusted in every way lying to our face about their actions. I was told that there was no contact with someone when in reality it was daily.

The fact that your WW and OM work in the same area makes it very easy for them to continue their affair. VERY easy. A lunch break can be a date. Phone contact at the company is easy. Throw away cell phones are easy to have. Meeting for a few minutes before heading home to their individual spouses in order to get a quickie in is easy to do.

Remove for a minute the idea that your WW isn't street smart and that you can read her well. It's really the other way around. She's been playing you.

Now, she may be sincere that she wishes to end this. How did it all come to light? Who discovered it? Did she simply come clean about it? Has she ever been unfaithful before?

Understand that you will be getting hit with 2x4s on this board, but they are well intentioned. We have walked the walk already and understand the mentality of what you're dealing with. Your wife betrayed you. Trust none of what you hear and half of what you see. Check your phone records, emails, etc.

There are hopeful signs of your situation IF she is sincere about reconciliation.

Trust us when we tell you that we've all been down this road before. It's scary. It sucks. But you owe it to your children to make sure you put a stop to this by contacting OM's W.

There will be no complications from contacting OMW except for the affair. It will be much harder with both you and OMW keeping tabs on your respective waywards.

As far as her letter goes, let me propose this scenario:

WW says to you, "I'm ending the affair. Here's a letter to OM I drafted to send to him."

You think all is good.

WW gets to work the next day, calls OM and says, "Sweetie, please ignore the letter I sent you. My BH found out about us and I needed to cover my tracks. We still on for lunch? I love you!"

Much teenage giggling ensues at this point, with the excitement of what is taboo.

That's a very real possibility you need to consider.

I give it a 50/50 that you're dealing with this scenario versus the one you wish was true.

The only way to truly know if they are in contact or not is by telling OMW.

Do not tell your WW that you are going to do this, since she'll spin it. She'll warn OM, who will tell his BW that you're an unstable, jealous man who is misguided into believing that he is having an affair with your WW.

Do this without warning. Exposure is your friend.

BTW, your WW will be furious. That's expected. You will get the response, "Well, I was going to give us a chance but you just ruined everything! I hope you're happy with your little revenge! How could you do this to him!"

She will make you feel like crap. Expect it. We've lived it. We can predict it.

Everyone.....my delima is how to contact her other than a phone call. If I call and he answers, then what? If I leave a message and he gets it first, he deletes it and then he knows I'm trying to expose and will begin to really dig deep and prepare for excuses/lies when OW approaches him. I want it to hit him like a brick with no preparation.

I don't know her email, so thats out.

If I new where she worked, I'd get it to her that way. But I don't.

I have the three page letter ready.

And who said anything about it being anonymous. My name is on it, my email is on it, all the details are there. I'm just trying to figure out the way to get it there with out him knowing. My intent (and I mention this in the letter) is for her to in turn to contact me and I can provide additional details if she so chooses.

No I will not tell the WW, for the aforementioned reasons. I agree.

One quick thing. I appreciated the 2 X 4 to the noggin from the BS.

(Jezz, sacry that I am getting used to the acronyms, BS, WW, etc.)

Tough love, thats what i need. Keep it comin.

I'm confused why you are discussing exposure with your wife. Exposure is not something you tell your wife about ahead of time, nor something you threaten her with. You just do it, suddenly and without warning. The goal is to KILL the adultery. You will lessen the impact of exposure if you discuss it with your wife.

Please understand that you will face a storm of anger once you expose to OMW. Your WW will come at you with guns blazing and will say the most nasty things you've ever heard.

You will second guess this course of action. You will doubt what we have told you to do and think that you made a big mistake and that you totally ruined everything.

This is predictable, normal, and expected. If anything, when she freaks, you will be ready for her anger. You can greet her anger with calm. When she rants about how horrible you are or how you ruined everything, you very calmly state, as if you just heard that the sun was shining outside, "I'm doing what I need to do to save our marriage. You want to go get a bite?"

Act as if it isn't a big deal.

Confidence is your approach. It's what is attractive and what you (and those of us who were in your shoes) lack the most. Fake it till you make it.

The response will be predictable.

As far as getting a hold of her, find out where she works. Call her there or deliver your letter to her there.

Another thing you could try is to have a female friend dial their number. If he answers, have her ask for OMW. If she answers, have her confirm that she is OMW.

Then have your friend hand you the phone and you can talk to her directly.

That's one idea.

I'm sure others can offer theirs.

Family is a big asset in this situation. Mine was able to unearth some intel for me which let me know that WW was still flirting online with guys and trying to setup dates with them.

This all sucks. Keep your chin up and understand that we are providing advice that has been proven to work. Your goal is to save your marriage for you and your children. A big part of that battle is for you and your wife to explore the reasons for her affair. Was it poor boundary issues? Were there psychological reasons involved? What had her unhappy in the marriage? What do you need to work on?

capn,

Call the home number (should be easy to find). Google her and you might find out where she works. Lots of folks are telling you not to discuss the impending exposure with your WW. They are also telling you that your WW will be furious. That is the case maybe 99% of the time. I think your exposure will tell you a lot about whether your WW is currently still involved in A or really serious about R. She will be furious if still in ongoing A, thankful if A is truly over. The exposure may be as informative to you as it is to OMW.

You can call their home number using *67 - that will block your number. Hang up if he answers. Or: do you have a female relative/friend who will ask for her if he answers? (She will, of course, want to have a fake name and pretext lined up in case he's suspicious and tries to find out what the call is about.)

Have you googled OMW's name? You may be able to get her employer info that way.

Why is your letter three pages long?

You don't need a three page letter. Cut it by a lot. All you need to say is something along the lines of:

OMW,

My name is BH. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but my WW has admitted to having an affair with your H. I feel it is important for you to know this and I'm available for you to contact if you wish to discuss this. I can be reached at BS@whatever.com or on my cell at XXX-XXXX.

I'm sorry to have to bring you this news.

Sincerely,

BS

Cap, do you know where they live? I would not suggest sending a letter. We had TWO exposure emails INTERCEPTED by an OP just recently. The OM can easily intercept this letter and then you are screwed.

I would drive to his house and knock on the door, OR call using *67 to disguise your # and get someone to ask for his wife and then hand the phone to you.

Does his wife work? Have you tried calling the house during the day? That is where I would start.

Does his wife have a facebook page?

Somehow Cap your wife must have convinced you this was all your fault. Very common reaction really but allways horsemuffins. Its hard to accept that kind of betrayal and the first thing you do is try to "fix" what "you" did wrong when you buy into it being your fault.

It doesn't matter how many problems your marriage had having an affair is the worse kind of betrayal anyone will ever perpetrate on another.

Expose the affair to every source recommended here and see if your wife loves you enough to admit she has to work herself back into your good graces.

Affairs are common, Marriages that successfully fully recover from them do not come from protecting the past affiars or making excuses for them or those who have them.

If you want full recovery, do a full exposure. What you are calling protecting your wife will cripple her from her own full understanding of what she did.

It needs to be painful still.

Cap,

My little sideline is linguistic analysis.

Your wife did not lie in this letter. It is about as straightforward a message as I've seen here.

She is rather cold to him in the letter, which kind of surprises me. There is a level of anger there, below the surface, which tells me that he must have done something to evoke that in her. You might want to talk to her about it, find out what that was. She moves toward you strongly in the letter - and this cuts him hard. I'm not sure what that entails, but there is something under the surface there that bears discussion for you.

My first thought was that he lied to her, but then I wondered about whether or not she had been trying to cut it off long before this point and for some reason could not do so.

Perhaps there is a sense of relief for her that the affair is over.


Anyway, ask her about this. It will be well worth the discussion, I think, because there is a reinforcement for you about her feelings toward you in this.

I think I have something figured out, after sitting here a minute.


Your WW may have realized that this OM messes around at work


with OTHER other women.


And she is one of many.


That may be why she isn't so upset about the affair being over?



Just wondering.


Anyway, it would do you much good to keep a close watch on her behavior. There is a little tidbit also in the letter that tells me that he did not like the idea of cutting off ties when she spoke to him on the phone.

She emphasized too much in her letter about stopping contact. The line that talks about her "not responding", and then she finishes up reiterating....that does stand out as overemphasis. Which paired with the phone call may be her way of having to stand up to him.


Keep very vigilant. This OM may not be out of the picture.



Oh. One more thing.

Ask YOUR WIFE where the OM's wife works. Because chances are...your wife KNOWS.


SB