Of course I would never say that...

But since you mention it...

SR, note the difference in the two terms, hypo vs hyper, under vs over.

My advice would be to see a different MD for a second opinion - from an endocrinologist, not a GP. An endocrinologist will be familiar with the new test protocols, which have changed. An enlarged anything is not to be dismissed, IMHO, although you may have benign thyroid disease. I'd want confirmation if I were in your shoes.

TSH test

pk

Lots of useful stuff happenning here whilst I've been away. I'm not sure what my TSH levels are - she mentioned just over 12 for one number but then said something about it being borderline. IF she was referring to 12 being my TSH then that doesn't sound very borderline. I have another appointment next week to get some clarity - the doc I saw was not forth coming.

I've been trying to establish when I was first symptomatic enough to have an impact on those around me.

I think i may have had a bit post dd6 ( i put on 40lb in about 4 weeks, just after she was born), but then it went for sure.

My periods went mental after DS, but that could have just been "those" hormones and then that was when life took a real downhill with J starting shifts and moving.


I've relly noticed the difference since just before Xmas. I asked J when he thought my symptoms had kicked in and whether he thought I 'd been particualry irrational/miserable in the last 5 months. But he couldn't answer the question and got really angry and defensive....

I was on his side - I was thinking maybe I have been really awful to live with, added to his stress and made things harder for him to keep in control, but he wouldn't give me chance to say it.

When on earth is it ever going to be ok for me to discuss my thoughts or feelings?

Vitt,

of those symptoms listed:

A feeling of mental fogginess and slowed thinking - CHECK
Loss of motivation and enthusiasm - CHECK
Difficulty with short- and long-term memory - CHECK
A decline in analytical ability and comprehension - CHECK
Hopelessness and depression - CHECK (but only very recently)
Paranoid thought patterns - ?? not sure
In severe cases, confusion and disorientation - have certainly had some of this too.

So far, I still haven't gained weight.


J has tried to be supportive the back end of the week and after just 5 days on meds my mum and dad have seen a difference in me.

Is a messed up menstral cycle a symptom? I go three months without then one every other week. Then three months without etc.

Depression check
Forgetting things check
Paranoia - I always think I am going to be fired, no one really likes me they are just being nice and a feeling of imending doom
Forgetful - highly
Weight gain and not able to lose weight even when exercising and dieting like a nut - which is why I stop trying and eat what I want - why bother

Motivated and enthusiastic - not an issue - I have always been that annoyinh happy puppy ready to try anythin - perky is a word that people use to describe me

I don't think my analytical or thinking is an issue but I bet my bh does!!!


I just think i am fat and have problems remembering stuff short term.

hmm, I need more info before I can ramble. ST, what do you mean by this???



SR, I agree with PK, see an endocrinologist about your symptoms.

SC, you have no idea how disappointed I was that day to know that my thyroid was okay!
Yes, I will try every excuse.

I mean, so so so many times when I try to say how I feel about something he gets angry and displays it- I don't feel safe sharing it. The perfectly innocent case above of me asking whether he noticed a difference in me in the recent months is a point in case. (This was me asking about the -ve affect I was having on the relationship)

If I wait til things are more relaxed to discuss anything (even the above) he says - why do you spoil the way things are going by asking questions like that. If things aren't going well, he says you know the response you're likely to get when I am in one of these moods.


Either way he ends up angry and I feel lonely. In the case above it went further and he ended up taking it out on Els for the rest of the day (which again can happen if it isn't an evening discussion).

He said sorry the next day - but that was it - just "sorry". What does that tell me?

Certainly worth checking it out. Messed up cycle is one. I would never have thought I had it. No weight gain here - in fact I think it is probably more loss. Just because you don't have all the symptoms doesn't mean you don't have it.

Can't remember whether it was in PKs link but there is lots of discrepancy about what is normal and lots of endocrinologists are altering the way they diagnose and making a huge difference in people's lives. Even diagnosing and prescribing when TSH levels are below 3.


I'm looking forward to my appointment on Fri, to see what my diagnosis was based on. I'm now beginning to wonder whether the 12 figure she gave me was blood count - she said I wasn't anaemic.

okay, I understand what you were referring to now.

I don't know ST, I didn't see it as an attack of any sort, I saw it as you did, more on J's side like you said. Taking responsibility for the tension if it had may be to do with your thyroid condition.

The meds are doing their job if your parents have noticed a difference in you.

All I can think of at the moment is to stay RH without LBing, letting J know that your biggest goal in life is to be absolutely, gigantically and spectacularily ...... in love with him.
And that you want share what you are thinking with him, the love of your life!

IDK, where is Mark?

Maybe he viewed as you trying to blame your A on your thyroid? I dont know...but - i do know that the suggestion i might have a chemicle embalance by a family member during the time I was very depressed following DDAY was met by MY H with - oh then I guess is not her fault she went to vegas and f'd around on me with some random stranger...she had a CHEMICAL embalance.


your H isnt my DH so its not a DJ for me to try and guess what he is thinking

Who?

I'm here. Just been super busy at work, doing the NFP thing and trying to help people with horses, still doing stuff on the other forums more than I was for a while and trying to figure out what input I might actually have for the situation.

Until I get something, just know that I'm here, reading, following along as best I can and when I have something to chime in with, you'll know.

Mark

Hi Vitt, Thanks for dropping in.

It's sort of a catch 22, if i don't talk to him, I can get by fairly happily in a state of sort of withdrawl. I can be civil and I can function co-parenting and co- house running. But it is likely that he will never get the affection that he needs from me...

or I can talk to him about how I feel, he can LB and then I can totally withdraw, like I do, because I can't face being anywhere near him and avoid his company.

And of course when i say that I'd like to do RH but find it hard and a bit scary so I'm reluctant. He tells me not to be pathetic.

But sometimes he's quite nice

Hi sis

after his reaction, I tried to make it quite clear that I was using it as mitigating circumstances for him. The A is very rarely in his mind and when it is there it is because I put it there by asking if his "bad" behaviour is related to a trigger.

I'll have a look at what you've been up to soon

ST - my email bounced back - you okay !!!

I can't believe how quickly things change around here. Hard to imagine that 2 weeks or so ago I was total doom and gloom.

It so hinges on his AOs / lack of care.

I think he is really enjoying his new life and new hours. He has commented on how different he feels,not working nights and that now looking back he can see what a negative affect it had on him.

He has apologised for the last 4 1/2 years and showed empathy for how hard it must have been to be around him.

I've been kissing him and even snogged him last night and have felt and said "ILY".

He seems soooo much more happy and confident.


He was in reflective mood last night - analysing his controlling behaviour and how it came about. His homework for last week form his perps course was to look at controlling behaviour and they discussed the form he had to fill out in the meeting last night.

Think of an issue you have controlled?

What behaviours did you use to control it?

What beliefs were behind your controlling behaviour?

What did you do to minimise the behaviour?

How did your partner feel?

What about anyone else involved? The lessons children may learn?

.... and some other really good Q's, which I will get on here at some point.

Useful for all of us to use to analyse how we get our own way.


The session was also about name calling last night. J realised that he calls me "stupid" or "useless" because those are the things that upset me most. I find them very insulting. He commented that he could call me a slag and it wouldn't bother me (so he wouldn't call me it). He said it's because you know you are not a slag and so does every one else.

It make me ask lots of questions about my values. I think I value intelligence and usefulness very very highly. Also I guess I do have doubts about whether I am 100% as useful as I could be or how intelligent I am (despite all the evidence).


We also had a good discussion about the A last night. After the responses I had to my thread over in SaA, I asked about his ability to rationalise and move on from the A. His feelings are that I didn't really betray our M because we didn't have one and hadn't had one for a while. He also confessed to peeking at OMs FB page and shared some info from there that did make him angry in the light of the info recieved about FOM playing away again.

I asked when and asked whether it triggered him and whether that could have caused his dreadful mood those few weeks ago. He pretty much put that down to nerves about new job/lifestyle and said that while he was acting out FOM or the A wasn't in his mind at all - I don't think he TOTALLY dismissed that it could have been a factor though.

The sun has been shining, the kids have been off form school (2 week easter break) and we are looking forward to having lots of fun over the summer.

I feel like a tremendous weight has lifted off my shoulders now J isn't working shifts anymore.

Just need to get this dose of thyroxine sorted now, so that I can start operating at ST speed again.

oh and Church....

J has realised that he gets absolutely no time by himself and is thinking maybe that Church on a Sunday morning might give him some time out....

Sorry to threadjack, st, but do you see what I mean?

Vanished without trace.

We are not allowed to ask questions like that!

I see exactly what you mean. How bizarre!

ok, I am lost.

Hey ST, just wanted to say hi, and catch up on your happenings. I like the questions J had for the offenders thingy. I might think on how they could be used in our house.

link for you

Thought I'd best bring this here. This is all about "ME" Not sure whether I'm premenstrual, whether my brain is not quite straight. Whether my time not pondering recovery quite so much has triggered this or whether it is the work J has done on the abusers course. What ever it is I think I this is too angry or defensive to be on V's thread and won't be helpful over there.

I think I have read a few things here recently that have made me cross. You know sometimes the WS really is abused and although it doesn't make having an A ok, it is really wrong to dismiss it. This person needs support.

I hope that it wasn't stressful thinking V.


Because I didn't mind that he was suffering.


If you're referring to the bit where I say I was unhappy in my M and that I had previously said about creating my own. Then I don't see the contradiction. I thought it was my bad choice for marrying J and that I needed to escape - ie looking for someone else

I don't see my view of my A as blameshifting. I take responsibility. But the state of the pre-A M can not be totally dismissed. If it could be then I wouldn't still be working hard on my M.

E
Everyone needs to have a bit of a "me" mentality - having boundaries protects "me". It is up to a BS to let the know what the WS owes, particularly if they are asking.





I ask about my own repentance because I guess I am scared that I don't feel that guily about J. Whether that is because he hasn't shown that he's bothered or whether that is just still my anger about the abuse.

I ask this because of the guilt J feels about the state of the pre A M and whether because of this he feels he needs less repentance. I think that physically hurting your spouse is on a similar level and that this was also revenge

Maybe here I have moved away from the weak M status and decided to accept that J hurt me and betrayed and destroyed my trust for many years and that instead of dealing with it thegrown up way I decided to take revenge.