Yes, pregnantandhurt is right..Dont contact OM..it wont help in fact it might make you feel worse..I know from experience, they are not rational people and they dont care about you. Its always a bad idea to contact the OP.

Does exposure and separation always work? No, but it is your absolute best chance to save your marriage with a spouse who refuses to end an A.

Andy, exposure isn't meant to be used as an ultimatium or for vindictiness. It is a tool to KILL the affair. That's why we're telling you to give no warning at all. And when the backlash arrives, your mantra is, "I will do whatever is necessary for our marriage." No matter what is said, you stick to your guns. There is no shame in fighting for your marriage. You have done nothing wrong. Sometimes exposure is described as shining a flashlight into a dark crackhouse. Once the light is shined, the crack addicts scurry. Who wants to be caught doing crack?

It is imperative that you get the exposure done all in one fell swoop to keep WW and OM from spinning their own version. It's a preemptive strike FOR your marriage.

Giving her an ultimatum like this will blow up in your face. It is a huge lovebuster and she will only go further underground and continue the affair. But becuase you will have forewarned her, she will simply PRE-EMPT you to any of those exposure targets so if you expose, they won't believe you. She will tell them you are a NUTWAD who is insanely jealous. When you call them, they will hang up on you in disgust.

That plan will make the situation worse.

What you need to do, instead, is calmly and quietly and BOLDLY expose the affair. Exposure ruins affairs. Sure, it makes the WW mad, but your marriage can survive her anger; it cannot survive an affair. Your exposure will RUIN the affair. THAT is how you save the marriage.

Exposure is just like bringing in a crowd of people into the crackhouse to watch the crackheads get high. It is no fun to get high when everyone is watching. It ruins the fantasy.

And most importantly, in your case, the OM will probably not leave his wife or he would have already done so. If you call the OMW you will likely find out that they are trying to work it out and the OM is lying to your wife about the state of his marriage in order to continue to get booty call. If that is the case, then you have a powerful weapon against this affair and could possibly wipe it out in one day. We have had affairs end the day they were exposed.

It is very RARE that an OM will leave his wife for an adultress. VERY VERY RARE.

To be quite frank and blunt, however, I don't know that you have it in you to pull this off. Your fear of her anger makes me question your ability to do this right. conflict avoiders sometimes AGREE to exposure and will do such a half [censored] job that the only result is to mildly annoy the affairees but do nothing to disrupt the affair. This is a situation that calls for an UZI and you arent going to survive if you bring a pea shooter and do a wimpy exposure.

If you going to do this it needs to be all or nothing. In order to save your marriage you will have to piss her off, but you will have to do this right and get your moneys worth or it will be for naught. We can help you if are serious about saving your marriage, though. just know that half measures will avail you nothing, except a pissed off WW.

You know, I am just thinking out loud here about past exposure failures. I think there are many different causes, but I think one of them is a half assed, check the box mentality. They avoid key exposure targets with various excuses: "oh no, his mother is 75 and she is sick!" "oh no, I cant expose at work, it will ruin his reputation." "oh no, we will hurt the kids!"

Always some reason to avoid expose while the marriage crumbles.

I am thinking of those who just exposed to a certain friend, a sister, a few very minor players. And when the WS blows up, they quit becuase they are scared to make the WS mad. The limp exposure did little more than tick off the affairees and achieved nothing.

The most effective exposures have, without fail, been the nuclear exposures that were done boldly. That has been my experience. While exposure does not kill every affair, the ones that are killed are almost ALWAYS very bold and very nuclear.

What killed his marriage is the A. How do you know this info? Have you spoken with BW herself?

BW dropped the nukes...good for her!!!!

You should fear her affair continuing, not her anger.

Trust me dude, you've got to expose.

She will get EXTREMELY ticked off and will do all kinds of crazy stuff in retaliation. She will scramble to put her spin on it and try her best at damage control. It will be bad for awhile...but that will pass.

She is having an affair. She cares nothing for you now. If she did, then she wouldn't be doing this. You will get zero points from her for trying to protect her, because she doesn't care about you now.

Being nice to her, supportive of her, and loving towards her will not win her back. You have to kill the affair. Then you have a shot a getting her back.

Exposing will put a lot of pressure on them both. They will most likely find it not worth the trouble. My wife's family told her that if she planned on divorcing me and marrying the OM, that she better never bring him to their house.

The OM's family thinks my wife is a tramp and asked why would he want to be with a woman like her. That kind of killed their fantasy of a happy ever after, sharing holidays, etc.

Learn from our experiences AND MISTAKES ----Expose! (and don't tell her you are going to, just do it).

No!
No!
No!

Do NOT do this, this will warn her of what is coming and give her time to do damage control. Do not give your battle plan to your enemy because they will use it against you.

If you warn her she will tell everyone you are a crazy psycho nut job that is ruining your marriage by constantly accusing her of having an affair. And then, just like she predicted you try to expose and come off looking crazy because you warned her before hand.

Expose to Family friends, H.R. department at work if they work together, Other Mans Wife and family, and anyone else that you think could influence them to end the affair. Explain the situation and ask for there help in saving your marriage.

Do it soon, and do it a quickly as possible. You don't want OM or WW tipped off until after you have completed exposure, so don't drag it out.

Andy-If you have read all of the available material on here you would KNOW that exposure IS part of Plan A. It is the second step, right after you snoop and find out about the affair so you have PROOF to expose with. THIS IS A PART OF MB AND PLAN A. That is precisely why we are telling you to do it. You need to EXPOSE. People already know about it in their workplace. Believe me, they KNOW. Talk to OMW. Expose this affair FAR AND WIDE. You will NOT regret doing it. There is noone that I know of on these boards who have EVER regretted exposing they usually only regret NOT doing it.

Do you want to have a chance at a real marriage or would you like a divorce? If you do not heed the advice given to you, you are on the path to divorce. It's your choice.

Please listen to the smart folks who are suggesting exposure. It works. She is not going to respond to your protection, she is going to use it to continue the A. You are protecting her and them, and making sure they can continue their cosy fantasy world. Don't let them.

Shine a light on that fantasy world, and it will be seen for what it is - ugly, disgusting, and dishonest. Other people's reactions will shock her into seeing the truth about what she is doing. Don't tell her you are going to do it.

She will be angry, and she may blame you. It's not your fault. You are protecting your marriage. Unfortunately, you are having to protect it from her.

Please do not let her ruin your marriage by making the biggest mistake of her life.

andy, in my sitch the OWH:
1. Wussed around for 3 months, crabbing at his W that he didn't like her having a 'special friend' who was male. She said he was "too controlling." So he shut up because he didn't want to make her mad. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

2. Threatened to expose the affair to me. And wussed out. OW and my FWH decided he was all bluff. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

3. Threatened to expose to their employer. She started coming into the breakroom every day, talking about what a jealous nutcase her H was and how she hated him, they were going to end up divorced because of it, etc. See what she was doing? She was spinning the potential exposure because he warned her he was going to do it. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

4. Called my FWH, in a 'man-to-man' talk, to convince my H to stop seeing his W. My H agreed that the relationship 'may' have started to drift into an inappropriate situation. But of course he was in the fog, AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

5. Called his MIL to tell her what her daughter was up to. WW didn't listen to the one lone voice in the wilderness. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

Finally, FINALLY, after dinking around for over THREE MONTHS, OWH exposed the A to their employer, their friends, the rest of their families, and ME.

THE AFFAIR ENDED THAT DAY.

Yes, and the point is the marriage NEVER ends because of exposure. The marriage ends because of the Affair...

This needs to be on the NOTABLE POSTS thread!! great post, MB!!

Yay! I'm somebody now! (Insert Steve Martin photo here)

Seriously, Andy, two more points and then I'll shut up:
1. If OWH had acted sooner the A would have been an EA. While he waffled, trying to be Mr. Nice, it went PA. I had to be tested, she could have gotten pregnant.
2. My H, who has more than earned his 'F' as a 'Formerly' Wayward Husband, now says there would be NO WAY he could have been able to continue to work with OW - she was like a drug.

Ok ok, the message has sunk in through my thick skull! I genuinely think this will lead to her leaving me, but understand that it's going to happen anyway if I don't. I still love her more than anything. Maybe I'm a wuss but it's gonna be hard.

Thank you so much for all of your advice, I was convinced it was just a question of riding the storm no matter how painful, until she comes back! It seems Im very wrong from all the experiences everyone has had!

It's okay, andy. I would have thought the same things in the beginning. Later on you'll realize just how right this is.

You can do this.

She is more likely to leave you if you DON'T do something to kill this affair. The longer this goes, the more entrenched it will get too. And if you don't do something, she will KNOW YOU WOULDN'T FIGHT FOR HER!! She is worth it, right?

Are you ready to get to work now? If so, please post a potential exposure list and we will give you feedback and waht to say. Exposure targets should be;

OMW
OM's parents, your parents, her parents
employer if a workplace affair
children
close family and friends
pastor
the OM's facebook page will be a very impactful exposure - you send out a letter to all his friends

The most impactful way to do this is to expose all on the same day so you get the maximum effect. It should have a tsunami effect on the adulterers so they don't have time to recover from each exposure.

Letters should be sent to Human Resources [certified with a cc to their supervisors] and an email to facebook friends. Parents should be done via phone call and you should ask her parents for their advice. Doing so seems to incent their buy-in.

And if anyone says "ok, I will keep this a secret!!" tell them nononno!! Affairs thrive on secrecy, so don't keep it a secret!

After you do this, I would plan on paying a little visit to loverboy and shaking him up a bit. Ask him face to face what his intentions are for your wife. Let him know that hell is coming and you will fight for your wife and your childrens family. Leave your side arm in the car.

Another thing you can do that has proven to be one of the most powerful weapons against an affair is exposure on facebook to the OM�s friends. Facebook is a collection of the person�s closest and most important friends, all in one spot! We have had numerous affairs killed in the SAME DAY after a facebook exposure. They are DEADLY. What we did was make a copy of all the names of all the OP�s friends FIRST. [this is important because once the OP gets wind you are sending out messages to his friends, he will close his page] You will have to send out an email, one by one to his facebook friends. It should go something like this:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be mailed/delivered to the Director of HR, with cc's to a key VP and the infidel's supervisors. It should go to 3 people with all being cc'd so that no one is tempted to throw the letter away.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

And you are not a wuss. You love her and dont want to lose her. That makes you a good person with a big heart....We can just see the bigger picture because we have felt what you have felt. We are all on your side here, we understand and most of all we want to help you save your marriage.

Listen to Mel she knows her stuff, K?