well dang, just get all the WS's to learn this and life would be grand!

AnnaBelle,

I know your comment was probably sarcastic but�.THEY DO KNOW!

They, esp. WWs (since WWs �cake-eat� less and don�t generally just keep OM as �a fling on the side�), intrinsically know that sooner or later one relationship�either the affair or the marriage�will have to end and either the OP or the BS will have to be discarded as a partner. They know that this will involve a painful severing of emotional ties with someone. It�s not necessarily a lack of knowledge (F-O-O-L with someone is something pretty much all adults have done before at some point), but a lack of WILL & DETERMINATION to do the right thing as it applies to the affair-partner. They CHOOSE to indulge their feelings rather than to let them die, as they should.

I know for a fact that my WW fully knew back then�even before I definitively knew of the affair�that she would have to give up her OM (& the associated feelings) if she wanted to reconcile and renew her marriage. She knew WHAT would need to be done. She asked and said to me:

�Do you want to move to XX (another far away state where we had a 2nd home) and start over?�

�I know I need to forgive you and need forgiveness from you��

She KNEW (and couldn�t bring herself to explicitly admit to the affair of which she was clearly very ashamed & embarrassed) but chose not to do either. She chose to not give up her �feelings� for OM � that�s how powerful the addiction is. It�s so much easier and expedient to indulge rather than own up and look in the mirror. That is how people throw away their marriage, friends, family, dignity, self-respect, values, standards, and character�it a CHOICE to sell-out and just take the �easy path�.

I think my WH was thinking, once he fell in love with OW, that the longer he could get away with the affair behind my back, the more of a chance that I would find out and divorce him....When I found out and I wanted him to stop seeing OW and work on our M, he was in shock...he kept telling me that I couldnt possibly still love him and how could I love him because he really hadnt treated me well the past few years....

That way in his own warped way, if I divorced him, it wouldnt be like he threw me away...it would be like he was cheating but I was the one who wanted divorce him....He really got nasty when I exposed the A and told everyone that I was trying to save my M.

And it was funny because he kept asking me "so you agree with me this marriage cant be saved, right?"....He would get really mad when my answer was "Absolutly this marriage could be saved, if you gave up OW and we worked on our problems." It was like he needed me to say that the marriage had NO chance to recover.

He did not and still doesnt want to take any responsiblity for the destruction of our M....He wanted it to be that I wasnt giving him what he needed, he wasnt happy, he cheated and now I wanted a D.

When in actuality it was we both werent getting what we needed, he wasnt happy, he cheated, he allowed himself to fall in love with OW, He chose OW over his family....He alone wanted a D. (which HE wont even file for, HE is waiting for me to be the one to do it.)

Stillhere, it is amazing how similar our WH think. They really want us to take all the blame. I truly do not think my WH realizes the impact of his decision on my and son and our extended family.
I truly believe he has no clue. He is totally immersed in his new life, OW and the outdoors. The truth is that the mind is a tricky master. If you can be the master of it instead of being ruled by it you can make yourself believe all sorts of things. You can create for youself a new all set of values and surround yourself with people who validate them. Hence OW who obviously has a different set of values than my WH had before the A, new low life friend (which WH did not have before A9 etc..
Once we have mastered this you can be as happy as a clam for a long while. I think this is what a lot of WH do. This explains long term A and affairages.
blessing

Yeah, it is pretty amazing how alike they are....My son keeps telling my WH how much he misses him and wants him home...then my WH calls me and tells me to stop rubbing my "sickness" onto DS and stop making him feel bad...HUH?!!!!

WH really doesnt get that HIS LEAVING has made DS feel bad...NOT my depression or my influence...that shows how much they really dont get it...UUGGHHH!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO MAKE MY SON FEEL BAD??!!!!!! JEEESH!!!

Stillhere, I see that you are on plan B so why does your H call you?
They do have to put the blame on someone and we are such an easy target. I am also sure OW fuels the whole thing cuz deep inside she knows that as long as they hate us they have a better chance. I see that he has been with OW for 2 years now. As I always thought, a lot of these A last more than a regular relationship between 2 unmarried people does.
blessing

Oh...we text about DS...I answer his phone calls when DS is with him, thinkin its DS....this is one of the phone calls I answered, getting chewed out for MY INFLUENCE on our DS...

Actually he has been with OW almost four years now, two years before I found out, so I have pretty much given up...he doesnt live with her so I think its gonna last a long long time....Unfortunately.

Yep, same as my H. It has been 2 years now he is with OW in a secret A and 7 months that the A is now exposed. But he does not live with her and so these type of A can go on forever. I am sure, however, that at some point, if not already, he is going to cheat on her. I am pretty sure your H could be cheating on his OW, very easily.
blessing