Yeah, yeah that IS why I am stillhere. Also since my WH left and my DS is not home, I guess I have no life and I am a glutton for punishment. My bad.

hey hey hey !!!
I know I am not popular here because I am a supposed "affariage", but I do know that life can go on and that most things happen for a reason.
You sound like a terrific lady and I am sure a prince will come knocking on your door and sweep you off your feet at some stage.
In reality, it is possible to find love again. I sincerely hope you do. This time though, and I can talk, don't allow yourself or your new partner to make the same mistakes.
I know exactly why you would have a gripe with me and fully understand. I am that bast@�d who left his wife.
You are young and time will heal. Don't though get too wrapped up in trying to save the unsaveable. I tried for years. Trust me, when it's gone, its gone.
No solace, I know, but life has a funny way of playing out.
x

Hi again bingo,

"but in truth I am dealing with an entirely different animal to the one I came here for."

Bingo, what would that be?

Imho, it seems to me you are dealing with either betrayal or trust issues, or both. How procatively and definitively are both you (individually) and your W (jointly) working on these?
How willing are you to begin to learn and practice MB principles? It also seems to me that you are causing a good number of members here to avoid you because of your seeming reluctance.

Just another suggestion, you might want to review the "Emotional Chaos" thread by Butterfly10 to get an idea of how someone who does have an open and unfettered attitude can be coached by the members here.

Tom

Nope, I think alot of people are unwilling to help Bingo because he's in an affairage. I'm one of them.

bingo,

I do think that if you came here with a less confrontational approach, you would not receive the confrontational replies that you have done.

You signalled a new problem in your marriage, and you seem to want help with this. I think that if you were less challenging and inflammatory about the MB programme, you would not meet with the ridicule that you have so far met. After all, if you come to MB, as you did a day or two ago, to say that it is a terrible programme that temporarily wrecked your marriage, then you must expect those of us who have found it beneficial to challenge back.

You claim to have found traditional MC that worked, but I'm sorry to remind you that this change has only been effected since January; 3 months. If your MC has not taught you to practice new behaviours to create a marriage of extraordinary care and protection, as Dr Harley's programme teaches, then it might turn out in two or three years that a new marriage WAS NOT built, and that the old problems were simply shelved for a while. If you read Larry's posts here since he divorced, you will see signs that this happened in his marriage. Somewhere, he talks about his wife looking "restless" again, and indicates that this caused him to suggest a separation.

If your wife (and you) do not learn about risky behaviour and how not to engage in it - like going without your spouse to a mixed party where alcohol is served and people get into their pyjamas to stay the night - then at some time in the future there will be risky behaviour again, and another affair.

You could learn from Dr Harley's programme how to negotiate going or not going to a party when only one spouse wants to attend. You could learn about how to discuss your differences without fighting. If your MC merely taught you how to forget about that night (and I don't know whether she did; I'm only speculating) then she did not teach you how to change your marriage so that such an event could never happen again.

If you are more open to hearing what the Harley programme offers then some people here will listen to you. Some people, though, will always object to someone whose marriage started as yours did, posting to a board full of people suffering the fall-out from abandonment and infidelity.

Someone on this board is in exactly the position that your first wife was in, when you left her with two children because "it wasn't working", then tried MC, but before giving the marriage all you had, found another woman and did not look back.

Bingo

Ive been reading along and this just don't add up.

YOUR POOR WIFE WAS RAPED AND YOUR HERE TWISTING IT INTO SOME TYPE OF AFFAIR OR SOMETHING ELSE AND LOOKING TO GAIN SYMPATHY OR UNDERSTANDING?

GO F'IN LOOK UP THE WORD EMPATHY IN THE DICTIONARY AND SEE IF THE WORD APPLIES TO ANY PART OF YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR WIFE.

IN FACT PLEASE ENLIGHTEN US WITH THE MEANING HERE IF YOU will. TELL US IF YOU HAVE ANY....

Nesre

Things will never add up on this thread Nesre.

Bingo

You'll probably by pass it so here goes

Empathy:
Identification with and understanding the feelings of another person.

YOUR WIFE WAS RAPED AND YOUR LOOKING FOR????????????

Nesre

Hi there,

I fully realize and appreciate that and their feelings.

I just wanted to offer my $.02 because I felt it might help. The thing that mainly disturbs me about this fellow is that he has spent 51 pages here justifying why his affair was not morally wrong! The other thing that bothers me is that if he is nothing but a hoax, he has wasted 51 pages of members' valuable time.

Thanks,

Tom

Bingo

How are you helping your wife to heal?

Please explain or better yet put your wife on so WE can help her to heal...

Nesere

Just wanting to say hi Nesre!

Tom

I'm sure many of the people here are threatened by the fact that I am part of an "affairage" . I don't blame them for that. I truly understand that even at the last minute of divorce proceedings I was legally still married and should have been working at it. sadly, in the UK it really is a protracted process and a year, or more in my case is an awfully long time.
That said, I am here because I spent the last couple of months in intensive therapy to get over a single and drunken moment that changed mine and my wife's lives completely. An epiphany in some senses, but a complete carpet wrencher in others.
Whilst I realised the errors ( and there were too many to mention) of my ways. She was dealing with something entirely different.
Sure there is a trust issue and sure there is a betrayal issue. I have never stated differently. Unfortunately a more sinister twist has become a little more of an issue.
I have embraced all that I have read here at MB. I agree with the vast majority and have put in place all that I can, but the reason I came back was merely that I poked my head round the door to see larry being told by the good Dr himself that a marriage , however it starts should be treated the same.
Combined with the fact that we are dealing, here, with a slightly more complex situation. You have my full and undivided attention.
Tom.....smart guy !!

ok. I am totally confused. Please ask a question, one at a time and I will answer.
My wife was not raped. My partner at the time was, but lied to me to keep things uncomplicated. She is now my wife and has admitted that she was raped, but started the whole thing by kissing another man.
Please just ask one question at a time.

Just add your two cents to a lot of people who thought they could help bingo....dont waste your time, really.

oh, and I am no hoax. Thats a promise to you and our Lord

Oh, come on. I am not justifying my affair. I have been in a relationship with my now wife for 10 years for crying out loud. It is not an affair !!!

what would you wish me to do. Abandon the woman I adore and have done for 1/4 of my life and kiss goodbye to coming home at night to my 4 1/2 wonderful children because my marriage started in an unconventional way. Please !!!

Unconventional? It's not unconventional, it is WRONG.

You can do what you do now but the odds are simply not in your favor. She did it with you. So why are you so SHOCKED that she did it TO you?


Okay, I'll buy it.


You really should stick to your lies.

what lies ?