Just to addd to this as I know that you are suspicious of her motives. I asked her to take a lie detector test. One of the questions was "did you, before, during or after the christmas party wish to have an intimate relationship with @�$%^ sexual or otherwise?" She passed as she did about everything else that the evening in question posed.

Gack. If I am a wayward, then so be it. I have told you how it was, and whilst it may sound cliched, it was just the truth.
I have NEVER been unfaithful to my current wife in any way for the 10 years we have been together and never would. I am staunchly against affairs. I know that doesn;t read well, but again, it's the truth.

Huh?

I am not following you.

If you dumped her, how was her kissing or anything else being unfaithful?

If your wife is truly innocent, then you know yourself to be a cad to be obsessed with it in the negative way that you are.

For that, you need a therapist - which you say you have a good one.

Have you started individual counseling to deal with this obsession?

It's not something we're really equipped to help you with here - we're simply not qualified to deal with a deep seated anger that has nothing to do with your wife's intentions. In the scenario you describe, she's responsible for abusing alcohol and a lack of boundaries - which your MC should be able to help you see if there is still an issue in her heart about that. But you're not focused on that as much as the act. So therefore, you need a therapist to help you reduce the intensity of those memories and the triggers. I might suggest an NLP specialist.

You weren't married...

You had "dumped her"...

Thus, by any stretch of the imagination

she wasn't "unfaithful"...

She was a FREE AGENT...

Free to KISS or more ANYONE she pleases.

The fact you had her take a lie detector case AND she submitted to the same is just CRAZY & creepy.

The fact you KNOWINGLY married her THEREAFTER is a good indication you forgave her for such trasgression.

Cheating, even moreso "on a break", is NOT adultery.

It's no wonder your first wife is happy to be rid of you. In the end, it appears she got the best deal.

Mr. W

because it was a reaction that I had used many times before and the kiss was only a matter of hours after that. I know it sounds silly, but to me and to her it was infidelity. Neither of us are in denial of that.
She said it was a momentary need to feel attractive and wanted. As this has never happened to me, I suppose it is difficult to comprehend.
I also didn't believe her that it was not a two way fumble but was proved wrong.
The difficulty for me is that she didn't stop it quickly enough. She admits that she was confused and drunk and didn't cry out as the situation was awkward. She felt guilty and responsible that she had started it but it had got out of control.

If you dont consider what you did to your first wife infidelity because you were unofficially "divorced". Then how is what your second wife did, when you were not even married, considered infidelity?

Just wondering....

Thank you kaylaAndy. I have tried that. It doesn't seem to work for me. Its like, as my wife would say, a broken record.
This is very helpful thank you.
Mr W. I didn't believe that she was not more committed. It seemed unlikely. The lie detector was a joint idea to clear that up. Not creepy.
I have forgiven her, of course. I also know that my reaction is irrational. It is what I tried to say at the beginning.

stillhere, you are right. Muppetry !!!
God this is helping. Thanks

I guess you just have a warped sense of what unfaithfulness actually means as opposed to what the rest of us think here on MB...I dont think we can help you in that aspect. Sorry.

bingo
The way you want to use MB to save your affairriage you can only wonder what if you had used MB to save your first marriage.

i suppose I had created a coiled spring in her after years of abuse. the fact that it happened so quickly after I had stabbed her in the heart AGAIN, should be no surprise. I have been focusing on the wrong thing.
The man in question, whilst not admitting he was over forceful said the exact words...."it started with a kiss and she didn't want anything more".
If you read the title of my opening post then the "can't get over" is what I was here for. It just turned into an affairage , karma, type set of postings.

TheRoad. Maybe youre right. Who knows. I did spend 6 months in counselling and another 6 going to relate, but to no avail.
Thanks

I think the problem bingo is you have no concept of how to truly take responsibility for your actions. THAT is why you can't get over anything.

You had an affair - BUT BUT BUT I was miserable and unhappy and the divorce took to long.... My wife was fine with it all, we're all happy lovey dovey now (obviously you're not)

Your current wife cheated on you before you were married - BUT BUT BUT I was a horrible boyfriend who abused this pure, perfect woman (no one is perfect) and it really was rape (probably was -but why reveal this information so late in the game) she only KISSED him but our relationship was so horrible then

Justification, justification, justification.
It is causing cognitive dissonance in your mind. THATS why you can't let it go.

You are an adulterer.
Your wife is a cheater.

FULL FLIPPIN STOP!

That is it.

Once you can say those words - believe and understand them with NO justifications or excuses. Then you can begin to heal.

You did bad things and made bad choices, but you and your wife don't have to be bad people. You can recover from the mistakes you made. The FIRST step in that process is to realize that YOU MADE A BAD CHOICE - realize that there are NO justifications or reasons to excuse them. Ask for forgiveness and create protections so they do not occur again.

You can't let it go because you refuse to admit that you've really done anything wrong. You'll say the words because you think they'll get people off your back - but in your heart you don't actually believe them. It's too hard to believe them. To believe them is to admit to yourself that you and your wife committed horrible wrongs and you are scared you won't be able to live with yourself after that.

You will - in fact it's the only way YOU WILL be able to live with yourself with any kind of dignity.

In Great Britain, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand,[2][3] the word muppet has come to be used as a mild term of abuse, meaning a stupid, incompetent, or idiotic person, or the obvious interpretation of someone who is inanimated or somehow not there.[4] It is often used mildly affectionately.[4] It can also be applied to a strange looking or aesthetically displeasing individual.[5][6][7]

the term is frequently used by English football fans to describe an inept performance by an individual player, or a player or manager perceived to be lacking in skill. For example Roy Keane described Niall Quinn (then the chairman of Sunderland A.F.C.) as a muppet in his 2002 autobiography.[8]

The film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, penned by British writer/director Guy Ritchie, features an example of the regional usage of the term in pop culture. The character "Hatchet" Harry Lonsdale (played by P.H. Moriarty) remarks, "I don't care who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets."[9]

The term muppetry is also rapidly gaining popularity as a description for an individual, or group of people collectively behaving in a muppet-like fashion. The origins are believed to have come from workers in large organisations, who were unhappy with the low to non-existent level of thought or application, that other colleagues put into their work. For example - "I'm sorry the figures will be late this quarter, due to the high amount of muppetry going on in the accounts department", or "Gregory's muppetry appears to have been infectious."[10]



Mmmmmph, had to look that one up...I think you insulted me.

You should of ended your affair before you D your first W.

Stillhere, you are right.
I have got things way out of perspective. Raped or not, she was not unfaithful. I really have cocked this up.

BINGO!

stillhere. I was talking about myself being a muppet. You muppet !

OH...