I'm not justifying her actions. They were deplorable.
She did not wish to get back with me afterwards, she stayed away from our house and it took a massive amount of persuasion to even get her to talk to me. After a few days we agreed to give it 6 months to try to repair the damage and then it happened. We started to talk frankly and calmly about where it all went wrong. Days and nights we talked and talked about everything that had happened and why and how it had affected the other. After 3 months of this we decided that we were finally, after nearly 9 years and a huge amount of [censored] ups, ready to get married.
We now talk every day. we now go out at least once a week on a date. We now would never even contemplate being in a position where either of us could cheat and as I saud we will never spend another night apart.
We check up on each other to make sure we are ok and that we are looking after each other in every way. We communicate throughout every day when we are apart and we listen to each other.
I don't abuse her any more and certainly don't run every time we disagree on something or am pulled up on my behaviour.
Importantly, we discuss the value of our marriage, how lucky we are and how we wish to be together for the rest of our days and beyond. It's quite sickeningly loving. We hold each other constantly, and declare our love regularly.
I would never, ever be close to another woman out of respect for my wife, the other woman and most importantly, myself.
When the chips are down and things get rough, as they will. We will talk them through just as we have everything else that has been thrown at us.
Trust me also, talking about my wife giving another man oral sex does not make me feel better !!!!

I'm sorry that this upsets you, Bingo. It would certainly upset me but there IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR THIS! The fact that anyone believes that oral sex is not an intimate act is mind boggling to me and the fact that you consider her wrong moral thinking an acceptable justification of it is sick. I think you both have alot of work to do just on your thinking.

God's Blessings,

Say

We have had to deal with death, suicide (my father), the loss of a baby, family rifts, illness, depression, alcohol and pill abuse, abuse, moving house, financial difficulties,rehab, splitting up pregnancy and children, step children. Neither of us, ever looked outside our relationship apart from the once when she ran out of fight and lost sense of her morals and boundaries.
We married and it means the world to us. We said our vows infront of our 4 children and our best friends and my wifes nan who is her guiding light. That was it. No pomp or lavish party, just us and your lord looking down on us. I said those vows and meant them with every fibre that I am and as my wife feels the same way and has been the product of a 4 times broken home. I know that we want to get this right and forever.
I will never compromise what I have and [censored] we have had some tough times. I did not include in the list all that we have had to go through after the wretched party.
OK ?

back to the BJ...thanks. You want the truth. here it is.
She never gives them as she was forced to do that act when she was 13 by a much older man as an act of rape. To her it means nothing but badness and to this day, it has never been part of our life in the bedroom EVER. You won't get it and I understand why, but obviously as she is game for everything else one would expect in an adult relationship it makes sense to me.
It lacks intimacy, that is it. and the reason that it lacks intimacy for her is because she was choked with a rapists part when she was young. OK !!!!!

So - if you're doing all this and you have extraordinary precautions in place... if everything is fine and wonderful...

Whats your problem? Why can't you get over it?

See if everything were as great as you say - you'd be secure in your relationship but it didn't sound like you were earlier, now you are.

What is the truth?

It seems like one can never tell with you.

Im deeply insecure. I feel that I don't deserve her. I don't know why !?
She goes to extraordinary lengths to prove her love to me. I am just built that way. It is possibly a childhood thing I don't know. It is better now by a long stretch as we are married and happy, but it is deep seated.
The getting over bit is that I never thought it possible and I am obsessive by nature. It is a good thing as it gives as a very comfortable life because of my work ethic and attention to detail, but in my personal life it has always been an issue.
Combine the two and you have an obsessive and insecure man, who has everything and hates anyone getting too close incase he looses them. Maybe my best friend/father killing himself 6 years ago did not help.

The very reason I came here in the first place was to try to get this right in my marriage where I had failed in my relationships.
I adore every fibre of my wife and children and fully understand where it went wrong in the past. It hurts me because I am a total [censored] up, or was and almost lost everything because of this.
Infidelity is a very serious thing. I never contemplated my last marriage in this all those years ago but understand why it is an issue. I regret so much and just want to get everything right. This seemed to be the right place to come to to try to heal and listen to how other people did it.

Oh, good, I'm not the only one.

I didn't know I could crank those settings that high. I had 20 topics per page and 50 posts per page. Now switching to your enhanced settings.

Quote from V You had a kid who I'm sure you adore. You didn't have a problem cheating on his mom.

Sometimes life gets boring and unexciting - so it's ok to look outside your marriage then?

You're happy now, what happens when a kid gets sick and life becomes a struggle.

See you don't respect marriage and your vows. You're ok sticking to them when life is great - but if it gets hard then it's ok looking elsewhere.

That is why you're dangerous.
That is the problem people here have with you.


Unless of course you admit that you were WRONG and make NO excuses for that. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING!


Ooops forgot to put V's quote in.

No, this isn't true. Marriage Builders is not just about marriages with an adultery.

You need to get help for this...or it could possibly become a self fufilling prophecy...I know from experience. You deserve happiness, we all deserve that chance to have it. Insecurity will not only eat away at you but also at your relationships.

I know. I have tried but it seems to get very painful . Obviously my wifes moment didn't help !?

Yeah, I can relate to that....Its been two years since WH left and the blow to my self confidence is pretty well still there, especially since he was eating away at it while he was having the affair before it was found out too.

I have been in IC...and I dont really think it helped in that aspect either. So I get ya.

Sorry stillhere, I must be your worst nightmare . I get why you find my views difficult .

And for mr w
I was wrong to be unfaithful to my ex wife . Very wrong . My wife was wring to do the same to me . Never again for either of us !

You see captain w . I do believe in marriage . That's why I'm here, because I want an exceptional one . I want to take my last breath with my wifes hand in mine . I want a marriage that makes people realise that it is a fantastic thing . I want my kids to see it too so that they don't make the same mistakes as I have . I want all that marriage offers and more and I am bound by what I said when I married last year .

Wait...can we get a re-run? I thought the second wife wasn't a wife yet when she gave the BJ under duress? If it was really rape how was she unfaithful (wife or not)?

Careful what you call rape, some here have experienced it. It's not some f'n term to toss around.
If she was raped you are the most insensitive clod I've ever seen around here.

I'm sorry for all the pain in your life, Bingo. The truth is that that pain is often the consequence for sins and poor decisions that we have made previously. Almost everyone here has been at your point of pain, grief and insecurity in their M at one point or another. Some in their zeal to help you to see those mistakes and learn from them forget that the rejection of infidelity makes us extremely sensitive to rejection in other ways.

I applaud your desire to make changes in yourself that will insure that this M and these 4 1/2 children will not be the wreck that you made of your former M. It is not my intention to cause you more pain, Bingo. I want you to be sincere in your desire to change. I want you to be humble in your acceptance of the advice offered here. You do not have to take all of it but listen. This appears to have triggered the only true introspection that you have ever done into the whys of your life.


God's Blessings,

Say

She was . It was under duress and that is a fact . However she started the whole thing by kissing the chap and as such, legally as she did not want intercourse and he managed for a second to enter her it was rape . The initial kissing was, however infidelity . I am not being insensitive . It was infidelity that went very wrong ! Part of the difficulty in putting it behind us . Sorry to have offended .

Say . I'm in tears . Xxx