I am going to ask him to do phone counseling with me. I hope he accepts.

Why does it feel like not talking about the A he is getting away with it all- no punishment, he just gets to come back to me, never having to apologize again, never tell me he's sorry, never have to face it- and it's my job to just be sweet??? Feels weird, wrong?? Do you think I am going to eventually hear what I need if I back off and just give him space, meet EN's, etc?

BYW, I got about half way through SAA last night.

KK, punishing him will not get you what you want. It is to shoot yourself in the foot. As Dr Phil would say, how's that working for ya!??

Rather, what is called for is JUST COMPENSATION. Will you please go read this article from top to bottom? Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

ML-
I read about just compensation. It makes sense. I think if we r meeting each others EN's, I won't feel so resentful. We in fact had a great night together last night. Great conversation, affection, even SF. He was very loving & we had an undeniable passion for each other. That being said..... Let's go back to the work issue. I had a feeling this college student he'd been. ....ing would b back at work today & this weekend. I something on FB that clues me in. So, I drove by his work & there was her car. So 95% sure they r at work together. 5% unsure only bc it's a hospital & she could b on another floor- but I doubt it. So just a few days ago it was said between us, agreement to call me if she was there was still in place. So I call him- he's great, says I love u, talking about our plans for tonight- but he didn't tell me she was there. I've caught him withholding this from me before. He apologized saying he just didn't want to ruin the good progress we were making.
Just a little history on this: he originally agreed to change hospitals but kept hearing rumors from coworkers that she was leaving. As I said before, she graduates may 7th-one week. He has heard this about her leaving again, just a day or two ago. I do feel she is leaving and we just have to get through this next week- where they may work together another 2-3 times.

So, I feel by withholding this from me he s deceiving me. Do I say I drove by and know she was there? Do I shut up and just hope this all goes away in a week? That's been WH's stance for two months now-thinkng she will leave. This is the onlybtjing we argue about and we've had a good couple of days, I don't want this to ruin it. What do I do???

I don't think I can go all day and not confront him with this. I really think he's hust avoiding conflict, but my brain starts wondering worse things, like is he seeing her again. Please anyone, help! I could just ask, was she there today??

Ok, no replies.....I guess I'm begging.

I never mentioned anything last night. We had a good night together. He initiated SF, had good conversation.

This is where I get stuck. I'm supposed to not LB, not bring up the A, but what do I do when he says "what's wrong?" He had just said something about how much older we are getting, saying how when he sees patients that are 20 and born in the late 80's, how different we are from them. So this was a trigger for me. OW (GIRL) was 23. So I'm thinking, really???? That's who you F.....ed! Then I sit there quiet, trying not to LB, or bring it up and he say's what's wrong. I said nothing, I'm fine. So nothing gets addressed, I bottle up my feelings at sake of not LB. I'm still wondering the whole time about OW being at work- but I just keep smiling right??

It just feels that everything is fine as long as I let him sweep it all under the rug and go on. Am I doing this right?

I plan to ask him about MB counseling tonight. I'm driving by work again today, I think she may be there again. I have to know.


Help please!!

The issue may not be what is being discussed, but how you are discussing it.

LBing has to do with going crazy on him - punishing him over and over. That is NOT progress. It isn't helpful.

Hunting him down over and over, making him feel stalked, isn't helpful either.

Do you think there is still an affair going on with her? He tells you she is leaving...they are still in contact because they work together. This is not a good scenario for recovering the marriage. You are bound to be going nuts every day, wondering, watching, praying. He hasn't put any precautions into place to protect you or the marriage. So you are on eggshells every day. I think you are nutty because the situation is nutty. For me, it would be a normal reaction - to stalk him. So you are not feeling safe

and neither is he.

But that is because HE put the two of you where you are. He failed to make you safe by changing hospitals.


That said, you have a week left. Or you think you have a week left. You should probably just check that part out, be sure about it, and be a little bold in finding out. I think I would, just to make myself less nutty. That's just me.


Regarding not talking about the affair - my thoughts are that you just can't keep having these long conversations that are emotionally wrenching all the time. It's too hard on the both of you. At some point, those have to stop, so you two can concentrate on the rebuilding effort.

Make a list:

1. Have you had your questions regarding the affair answered? If the answer is yes, then it's time to stop asking them over and over. If you need some reassurance, then do you need those questions asked and answered again - really???? Or are you seeking another kind of reassurance, which can be fulfilled via the ENs that you are working on? Because the likelihood is that if you two are working on those, you will feel more reassured as time goes by. Ask for more EN time, more RC time, more of whatever floats your boat - and maybe not more time talking about the affair.

2. Instead of spending time talking about the affair, if your need is to talk with him about the relationship - why not talk about the things you enjoy? Plan a trip. Talk about trips you took before. Talk about things he enjoys. Ask philosophical questions to one another (there's a book out there called "The Book of Questions" which is a great topic starter). Ask him what his favorite dreams were as a child, what he thought he would be when he grew up, etc. Learn about HIM - not about the affair. Pretend you never knew this guy. Ask him what top five changes he thinks he has made since the two of you have married. There is a lot you don't know about him. Find out!

3. He isn't fine if you sweep it under the rug. He is ashamed and embarrased. He doesn't trust talking to you due to LB's. Make yourself safe again - if and when the affair comes up, your job is to remain calm, cool, and collected. Pretend that there are three judges in the room watching you react, and you are rated on your response style. You are rated on: A) Lovingness in your voice, B) Supportiveness of the future of the marriage, and C) Willingness to listen for the purpose of correcting your own behavior. Now - how will you respond and interact with him?????? I am willing to bet that those affair conversations look and sound a lot different. Make it so.




SB

Thanks for the honesty. I don't think the A is still going on, but I must say I do wonder. I think it's because like you said, because of the nutty situation I'm not feeling safe. I really hope this work thing is over soon. He honestly had no way out of working at this hospital until June anyways and I know that. They make their schedules so far in advance it would have affected like 20 people for him to force that issue and enough people at work know about the A - so I think he was too embarrassed to do something that drastic. Still, I wish I wasn't relying on OW to leave. So I'll keep checking till I know she is gone. I'll probably still drive by too, just so I know!

As far as the LB'ing goes...What's crazy is through this whole thing, even D-day I never ever yelled, went crazy, etc. I've never lost it. When I have brought things up, which has been a good week now, I'm the calm one. As soon as I say anything, HE gets crazy, not me. He gets mean and says things like "thanks, you just ruined our night" then sometimes he'll just threaten to leave the room, restaurant whatever and refuse to talk. I'm sitting there like, WTH??? I'm just wanting to talk, WH is the one making it a fight.

BUT, that being said, I know I need to leave it alone and think I can feel better about it once work situation is over. Does that mean times like last night when he said what's wrong after bringing up "young people" to me that I can't be honest and say.....that triggered painful thoughts in my mind? All I want is him to simply say, "I'm sorry, I'm here, I regret putting those things in your life." Then for me, it could all be over, that simply. Are you saying I'm not getting those remorse statements anymore b/c too many bad A conversation have pushed him away? Will he come back to that?

I'm really afraid of MB phone counseling convo tonight, afraid he'll do the refuse to talk to me about it thing again.

Ok, so I drove by & she is at work with him. He never called to tell me, again, that was our agreement. Every time I know this I feel cheated on again. I'm confused

If that was your agreement then you are right to feel cheated on again.

I'm sorry. This is brutally tough. Please hang in there.

Joseph's letter is PERFECT!! It totally describes how I feel, it's like he looked into my heart. I read it to my husband and he agreed that it shade some light on my inability at times to "shut down my brain". This is one of the reasons I love this site.

His anger is a common bullying tactic that is designed to shut you up. Is there a way the two of you can reach a common ground on this? Can you approach him calmly and say "Honey, I know what's done is done. But it would help us with our healing if we could..." then outline what you want. Do you want to go through it step by step? Do you have specific questions that he hasn't satisfactorily answered?

He's ashamed, embarrassed and just wants it to go away. That's common, but it's not a good healing tool. Sweeping it under the rug will not help you affair-proof your M, IMO. You both have to understand what happened so that it doesn't happen again.

KK--I'm sorry you are here, but it's the best place you could be right now. Listen to the Vets they are very knowledgeable & will steer you in the right direction.

I, too, am newly in recovery. I fully understand what you are going through. I too struggle on a daily basis w/ my H's A.

The way I had gotten my H to talk about the A was I simply put it to him as--Knowing you had an A was the worst thing I could have ever discovered. But I'M STILL HERE!! I have some questions about the A that I need to know so I/we can move forward. The DETAILS about the A pale in comparison to the A itself. These questions need to be answered so there will be nothing lingering in my mind in the future preventing us from rebuilding our M. Some of these questions will be hard for u to answer but I NEED u to answers them & help me.

Now I must caution you. I know there are certain types of people out there that want all the sordid, gory details about the A. I'm not one of those people. I know if I knew these details (sexual acts, contents of texts etc.) I would not be able to move forward as those details would haunt me forever!!! Also be aware that whatever you ask, be prepared for the answer. There might be some answers you get that are hurtful & will break your heart all over again. So, before asking certain questions, ask yourself, will this help or hinder me/us moving forward? Will knowing this help rebuild our M? I know my H's responses were hard for him. It was an admission of wrongdoing. It was an admission of weakness on his part. It was an admission of doing the less than honorable thing. These things are/were extremely hard for him along w/ the fact that I was terribly hurt & he caused it.

As far as his remorse. I hadn't felt true remorse until after my H had moved back home. Yes, he did admit what he had done was wrong, the worst decision of his life, one he will regret forever. All of that is wonderful to hear, but I never felt it. Once he moved back home there were a few incidents/triggers that brought all my hurt back to the surface. Being home I think he finally saw/felt the depth of my hurt & not my anger. There were many tears shed, many apologies, many many reassurances, & I was held tighter than I had ever been in the 17 yrs we have been together.

Lastly when I feel my mind going to the dark depths of the A, I literally force myself to change my way of thinking. thinking along the lines of "Stop going there. He's here w/ ME--things are good--we are working hard at this @ it's working".

I hope this helps. There is so much more to do. There were many realizations I had come to that had helped me see a whole different side of things, when you reach that point it will help tremendously!!

I'm not even saying this is the right approach, I know this is what has helped me. This also isn't to say there won't be bad days but if you keep working hard, those days will lessen & the good days will begin to outweigh the bad.

Good Luck & God Bless

BW-39
FWH-38
M-14 YYRS
DS-10,DD6,DS2
EA/PA-11/09-1/10
DDAY-11/17/09
MVD OUT 11/19/09
NC 1/24/10
MVD HOME 3/20/10
Working towards full recovery. Very hard, but very well worth it!!