How long have you been attending Sex Addict Annonymous? Recovery from this addiction must be your first priority IMO.

Umm, hi, I am this guys wife (for now anyway) Schoolbus, I really wish this was someone trolling! I am in this nightmare and its ALL true, I have the emails to prove it. I feel sooo stupid. I thought we had such a wonderful marriage. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. We never argue, I lived for him. I let him do whatever he wanted. Didnt care if he looked at porn, let him go out with his guy friends, even to girly bars, always did EVERYTHING with the house and the kids, so he wouldnt be imposed upon. He always told me I was the "cool" wife. He never once mentioned he or we were having problems. This hit me like a freight train. The worse thing is that I just gave birth to our second child in Jan, and found out about all this in Feb. I am sooooooooooooooooo hurt and confused, pissed, I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I have broken everything of his in the house that is worth anything to him, refuse to give him ANY affection, told him to get out, threatened to do it to him, and even beat on him a few times. He is still here. I really feel that he loves me for putting up with my craziness, I want to try to give him a second chance, I love him, but HOW the heck am I ever going to work it out when I know I will NEVER trust him again. Im super discusted about the "man" thing as well. I dont understand it...especially since he did that more then he did anything sexually with her. According to both of them, they only had sex once, the rest was txting, and lunch, email ect... I dont know what to feel more threatend about, this girl cuz she is local or the "men" prob, well just cuz its SICK. Please help me!! Any suggestions on how to cope will be greatly appreciated!!

Navewife, start your own thread. The advice you get, helpful (even essential) as it will be to you, will be different from the advice he gets. Keeping it all separate will be a good idea.

tl

I just did start my own thread, I just wanted to verify that this craziness is in fact very real. I know it sounds like the twilight zone, but its all very real unfortunatly:(

Well, at least you are both in the right place. Start reading all the links at the top of the page. The information and help here is unbeatable.

I have been in the SAA for about a month, but took a break cause didn't think I was getting anything out of it, I have been getting more out of couseling. Plus was afraid of what I was coming home to (nice or killer wife). I would like to start back up maybe later down the road just to continue the suport aspect of it, but I want to focus on my wife and showing that I am a sorry piece of poo, and want to be here for her.

Correction: You want to focus on your W and showing her that you WERE a sorry piece of poo, and are now becoming a man she can respect and admire.

The nonexistent boundaries that led you to feel you could violate your BW in this way are the very first things I think you need to look at. You need to have boundaries that put Fort Knox to shame.

She will need to see consistency from you for years before she should feel trusting for you. Once you have shown her that you're trustworthy again, if you begin to let your boundaries lapse, then good-bye trust, too.

You need a whole new life, a whole new heart, a whole new view of the world. That's a little out of my league - God can help you with that.

Yes Neak I have given complete control of everything to her. I know my purpose in life is to be her slave and let her look at everything. I have turned myself back over to god to help fix me. We had strayed from him for a while before, but since we have recommited ourselves to him and letting him guide us. Thank you for the support you are showing my W. I have offered the lie detector to her but the therapist we see has suggested that we not do that, not sure why.

Before I pop off to bed, I just want to point out that this reeks of self-pity for you, and disrespect against your W.

I can't tell you how many times I heard during the first days of R, and even more during the false R, that I was then-WH's "parole officer". It was disrespectful and disparaging of him to say that to me, and avoided taking responsibility for the catastrophic damage ~he~ had done. He gave off a sense of, "oh poor me, now the only way I can try and hold onto the life I had before is to be incarcerated by my wife, but I guess I deserve this after what I've done...yesirree, just another parolee, that's me..."

It was a big contrast from his attitude and way of speaking once he truly repented. I never heard a hint of the "parole officer" thing again - he was eager to be open and show me everything, so I would know he was doing only what he should.

By using the word "slave", you have shown that you aren't yet eager to be open and honest with your BW. You resent her intrusion into the privacy that allowed you to carry on your sexual liaisons without her knowledge.

You're going to be foggy for a while; you may be able to de-fog a bit faster if you're willing to absorb it when someone points out a fog leak in your posts.

Right now you aren't fully repentant, or you would not have said such a thing. That's normal for where you are, so just keep on learning. The time will come when you look back on yourself right at this point, and can hardly believe you said and thought what you did.

Pray to God that He will continue to give you a fuller and deeper repentance - He will!

Ok bad choice of words on my part. I see your point. It is wrong to be like. Everyday I give her my phone freely, show her my emails and threads. I tell her everything I talk about in session with my therapist, even though the therapist tells me I shouldn't. I want to do all of this to show her I do regret what I did and that I am on the straight and narrow. Again bad choice of words seems to be my major problem in all this my mouth speaks before I think about what it is I am saying. Typical male.

OMG, My WH left me two years ago for "just a friend and sex."

Ok I get the point, but there is no chance I would go to the OW. She was ugly and I couldn't even look at her. I told her all that too when I sent her the cut off letter. My BW is a very beautiful woman (HOT) and I was a MORON for going to an ugly one instead of just talk to my wife about my urges.

I am glad that you realize this now....

Nave, for what it's worth, I don't believe you're a troll. I know someone in real life who has done what you've done - the men part of it for the same reason as you, when he's actually more hetero than anything else. Also, one of the academics at my university has done extensive research on the subject. It definitely happens and it happens a LOT.

Sorry I laughed - but I did think Chrisner's post was amusing.

Calling the OP ugly is a bit rich now. She wasn't too ugly when you chose to **** her.

uh oh. I've seen this story before on here.

uh oh.

"I have been in the SAA for about a month, but took a break cause didn't think I was getting anything out of it, I have been getting more out of couseling. Plus was afraid of what I was coming home to (nice or killer wife). "

I wanted to slap the screen when I read this. Go back to SA. NOW. And that IC had better not be giving you the "do what makes you happy" crud. And I don't care which "wife" you come home to - YOU CHEATED.,..with women and MEN.

Do you have any clue how hurtful you have been???

Your words contradict your actions. After all, you WERE with the OW. She didn't get ugly after you screwed her.

Nave, it is a poor choice of words, but it's not *just* a poor choice of words. It's very typical for someone who is still foggy, as you are. Ditto the "nice or killer wife", ditto the "ugly OW".

Don't over-stress about it, since it's very typical and exactly what I would expect from any WS new to MB.

Simply take note each time you're called on it, learn from it, and go on. You're likely to continue having trouble with "poor word choice" for a while - it will get better.

I want to really encourage you to continue reading, posting, and learning how to be a man worthy of respect. Many others have done this successfully, my FWH included. You can, too.

So....
You like ugly women and men?

Did you tell your wife this BEFORE you married her.

Don't ask, Don't tell?


Ok sailor, now lets get down to the nitty gritty.

How did you meet the ugly OW?
How where you able to carry on your relationship with her?

How did you meet the.... "Men"?

I'm sorry. I'm still senseing a lot of "pride" and "victim" here.