Need to add...
-No hunting, fishing, camping, etc without Broken, kids, or both

Appointment tomorrow. Can't believe I am paying that price for 45-50 minutes. Hope it's as good as everybody says.

Yes, in the long run the coaching will be worth it all!

Pretty cheap compared to all the money you wasted on OW and the cost of a divorce now a days, yanno!

I'll be back when I have some time to give you some feedback on the EP's. Kudos for sitting down and engaging in the process!

BH

I avoid the words should, ought and must whenever I can.

In this case, I MUST agree with TST. What price the very best recovery coaching in the world? Over the past few months, I have sent a least 10 people to the coaching center. Not one complained afterward. Not one.

Larry

Deerhunter,

What does broken think about your list of EPs?

They look like a good start to me. As military, you know you can't just "talk the talk". You have to "walk the walk". What will be your accountability for your EPs?

AM

I do not know if she has seen them yet. She reads my thread once in a while so she may have. I posted them here in hopes of getting feedback if I was on the right track. It seems that every step of the way so far I have done or said the wrong thing.

I have an appointment with the coaching center today. It may be my only one, maybe I will get an answer there. I really don't know what to expect.

Either way I will ask her today if she has seen them, if not I will send them to her.

DeerHunter,

Can you wait until we get a final draft together before sending them on to your wife???

Yes but she may have already seen what I did if she looked at this thread.

I just spent the last 2 1/2 hours working on a No Contact Plan and sent that. That was the first recommendation from Steve.

It's fine if she see's the process..... But the final draft needs to be a clean list, that is ready for her to make the changes she would like to see.... if any.... and then you review these every month to close any loop holes.

I'm glad Steve put you to work! That NC Plan takes a lot of thought and effort from you.... Great Job!

Please remember that if you get a pat on the back from your wife, that's great. But, don't expect it.... She may feel this should all be obvious..... even when it's not! OK!

OK these next three items need some thought!


-Wife having one hour of alone time is not going to work if you are both working the MB Program�. I would leave this out.
-Drinking���. I would ask her how she feels about you drinking at all! This is easily a Love Buster and needs discussed and she MUST be enthusiastic about you drinking a beer, or you stop drinking entirely!
-The other one that concerned me only had to do with FaceBook�. Is your wife ENTHUSIASTIC about you having a social network account?

Are you willing to eliminate any of these questionable things without discussing them with your wife?



The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you need to make sure you complete.

The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.

So let�s start with your first category items. Here�s the changes I would recommend that you do!

Remember�. You�ve done some of these, but they MUST stay on the list for accountability reasons. OK?


A) Change my cell phone number.
B) Change my email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Facebook, Classmates, MySpace, etc.)
D) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my wife does not have and give to her (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
E) List out passwords and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my wife has not had access to.
F) Give my wife access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
G) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my wife administrative access.
H) I will contact an attorney that will work on my wife�s behalf and write a post-nup agreement.


Again, these are one time things that you set up and they stay this way without any maintenance.



Category #2 is a little more along the lines of EPs that you need to maintain on a continuous, consistent basis.
These are the changes I recommend! Again, you�ve done some of these, but they MUST stay on the list for accountability reasons. OK!


A) I will protect my wife and her feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with women.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with any women.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishments
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my wife at all times about the past and present.
G) I will not participate in online gaming (mafia wars, etc.)
H) I will make a weekly schedule of all my time & If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my wife of the change ahead of time.
I) I will make my wife�s calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my wife at any time she requests. No questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my wife at night.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my wife to meet each other�s ENs every week
N) If OW finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my wife about it immediately.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my wife may request.
P) I will commit to 15 hours a week of family time
Q) I will schedule & maintain healthy sleeping habits
R) Work, Study & Read all of The MB Program
S) Agree to MB Coaching (and IC if Broken wants me to do this)
T) Will not spend time alone with outside friends. I will only spend social time out with my wife.

Any Thoughts??

I like the way you put my words in the 2nd list. I didn't even think about the phone at night thing because that was already happening. I always just left my phone on the counter and she could check it at any time.

With the first list, that is good too. Regardless of if she comes here or decides to stay where she is at, I will be getting a new cell phone number (local) sometime in the very near future.

The email part is very do able but that would take some preplanning becuase of bills and such having that address.

D, E, and F are already happening so no changes there. G can be done if and when we are together. I can do H but I don't think that is a concern for her, we didn't talk about that directly last night but along the same lines.

For the 3 items that need more thought...

The time alone is more of an immediate short term thing. Since she found out about the A a week before I left and has been having to deal with this and the kids, house, etc, I am sure she would enjoy time to go shopping, the spa or get a massage right now.

Deactivated FB account last night. She expressed her dislike of me using it so it is gone. I am not using any other social networking accounts and will not be using any.

We have talked about the drinking part and she doesn't mind as long as I keep in in moderation. It was when she told me I should stop and I ignored her that was the problem.

So those 3 items would look something like this...

I will allow you some alone time in the begining, we will discuss how long that will last.

You cover the FB in J, I like it.

When I drink I will do so in moderation, if at anytime you think I have not and tell me to stop, I will immediately.

I will bang this around and post my second draft.

DH, it's good to see you thinking about all of this. In time your wife will have an appreciation for this effort. Again, don't expect any Kudo's for at all!

Though I want you and your wife to discuss the alone time your wife may like, etc. I would HIGHLY recommend you leave it OFF of your EP's.....

The drinking..... I must admit, I'm not excited about anyone wording it the way that you have.
I would recommend that you only put down something like....

"At anytime my drinking becomes a Love Buster for you, I will agree to no longer drink alcohol."

Does that read better to you? And can you live with that if she asks you to permanently stop drinking?

Hi DH,

I just read where your wife said you've been talking to your parents and In-Laws. Your wife was obviously touched by this. And I must admit, so was I....

This is a HUGE action step in restoring your marriage.

Keep up the good work... Kudo's to you in making right the wreckage from your past.

When you have a chance, let us know how the conversations went.

Both conversations went as good as can be expected.

My parents had just gotten word from my sister that she and her husband had decided to divorce (I won't even go there). I figured they might as get all the bad news at once instead of stretching it out. They hope the best for us.

With her parents, since I was sitting right there in front of them, I was able to see there faces, both of them dropped. After I talked for a while and the intial shock went away. They both said that they hoped the best for us. I warned Broken that I get the impression when she talks to them they are going to encourage her to stay in the marriage. I emphisized to them that whatever decision she makes will be the best for her. One of her brothers and his girlfriend stopped by and I told them too.

In both cases I apologized to them for my actions affecting them too, whether directly or indirectly. I told them I was very ashamed for what I did and know that I have jeaprodized my relationship with my wife and kids.

I also described some of the things I have done, about Dr. Harley's program and what I intend to do in the future.

Both sets of parents encouraged me to continue what I am doing and to stay positive. Her parents actually said that they know that people make mistakes and they are not going to condemn me for it. That made me feel very good because if this doesn't work out I will still be the father of their grandchildren and we will have contact in the future.

I think my parents feels about this will probably stay about the same but I am curious to know what hers think now that it has had some time to sink in.

I need to point out that I am learning slowly...but learning

I deactivated my Facebook account and decided to tell the parents when I did because I applied the Policy of Joint Agreement.

For both issues Broken and I had discussed them. I told her what my plan was for both. After both discussions I was thinking about them and thought about the PoJA and thought "she sure didn't sound very enthusiastic about what I said, let me rethink that."

I later told her that I did those things because I thought of the policy.

DH- Great work. I usually stay off of wayward's threads but you seem so genuine. Your DW seems like a GREAT lady and I hope you can live up to what she deserves. You are doing EXCELLENT so far.

Well I just got back from my 3rd and final (at least with that councelor) IC appointment.

I had talked about the EN list and EP list, she had asked me to bring both in. Here is how it played out...

After last week I told Broken that I wasn't sure what direction the councelor was going but I was going to go until I go back home for training. She just sort of jumped around with no plan--Strike 1.

She looked at my list of EN and the top 5, she then told me which one I should move to the top--Strike 2.

Then through the course of our talk she said "you don't need to be brutally honest. You don't need to say things that you think might hurt her."--Strike 3.

After that I heard blah, blah, blah for next 15 minutes or so.

On a seperate note, I am getting very excited about going back home on Friday.

Your counselor does not get to tell you which EN is at the top. Your EN's are yours. Leave them the way they are.

You don't need to be "brutally honest", you need to be "radically honest". There is a difference.


Brutally honest can be hurtful - this often means that the person doing the truth-telling allows things to just spew out, and says things without thinking through a way to say them first. Radical Honesty means something different. RH means to be honest about your feelings and thoughts and behaviors and LIFE with your spouse, but in a way that is NOT hurtful. You THINK about how you are saying what you are thinking - you aren't just blurting out what you are saying!

Brutally honest: You are so fat that I get disgusted with having to look at you from behind.

Radically honest: I have to admit that the weight you have gained since the second pregnancy has had an impact on sexual fulfillment.


Brutally honest: I hate it when you grope at my butt every single time I pass by you. It makes me feel like a bunch of grapes in the supermarket.

Radically honest: When you reach at me and grope at me it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes it can feel like I want to escape from you, and that isn't how I want to feel. I want to feel intimate and approachable, but the groping is having the opposite effect.



Do you see the difference? Your counselor doesn't, because the counselor is obviously NOT a Marriage Builders trained provider.


And as for having "no plan", that's fine. You don't need the counselor to have a plan for you. Obviously you and TST are building YOUR OWN PLAN, thank you very much!


Wow, you have progressed.


I see a marriage that has a huge chance to recover.

I do see that. You have done a ton of work, DH. A ton.


Your wife is on a rollercoaster. Be strong for her. Be Radically Honest (not brutal!). Hold her close, answer her questions, take responsibility. Know that her moods will go up, down, in, out, over, around, and through. That ride she is on might be crazy, but at this point your job is to be

The Rock.

Just hold her when she cries, and take care of her. You can get her through this. YOU. CAN.


SB

I am glad that you kicked that councelor to the curb. Maybe a NC letter is in order for her(j/k HAHAHA).

It will do ou both good for you to be home and together. Don't forget about the 15+hours of UA. Have you given any thought into what you might do, and when you will do these activities? You need to schedule it at first(although I am sure you already knew that).