You're normal dude. None of us wanted to hurt our spouse or do anything that might further distance ourselves from them, or even worse cause them to leave us.

I felt insecure and wanted to show my wife how much I loved her and cared for her. Apparently, I hadn't done that enough in the marriage prior to the affair, so I wanted to show her I had changed.

I know now, that since she was emotionally entrenched, that it did not matter. The affair had to die before any reconciliation could take place. Me knowing was not enough - she lost respect for me. Once her family, friends, etc found out though, they could put a lot more pressure on her.

Then, something happened....once the OMW found out, the other man threw my wife under the bus and blamed her for the affair. He told everyone that she pursued him, told everyone it was all her doing, made her to be a tramp.

That woke my wife up. Mr Perfect wasn't so perfect.

People's true character comes out when the times get tough. Exposure definitely creates tough times for them. Most people who mess around with other people's wives are not good people. Give the OM a chance to show who he really is.

i don't post to often on here more or less lerk and learn. I wish ... I WISH two years ago i had listened to ALL of the advice given on here... and not picked and choosed. Please listen to what these people have to say they are great and supportive. They do know what they are talking about when i comes to this stuff. There are no guaranttees in life but the advice given here is the best fighting chance you have. And when i mean you need to take ALL of the advice and not pick and choose the concepts you want to implore i mean it. I have been there done that and well let's just say i made ALOT of mistakes in the past because of it.

I am telling you out of concern and experience. Best of luck to you!

What do I do straight afterwards? Assuming she'll leave the house, do I cease all contact. I want to be there for her to let her know I'm serious about giving it a go. Or do I go straight to plan B?

what I mean is I'd prefer to do plan A and be there when she comes back to be nice and prove I'm still serious, and do everything I can for her/us. Alternatively, should I move to my parents for a while until the dust to settles? What's worked for other people?

Okay, I hope you didn't go off and run anywhere. You NEED to do a SPECTACULAR Plan A BEFORE you do a PLan B. It is harder to do a Plan A while someone is out of the house, but not impossible. Sickoflimbo and a few others are doing it long distance. You have to become more creative but it can be done.

I don't think she is going to leave because of exposure but that is always something that BSs think. Just think of her like a 2 year old throwing a monster sized tantrum. You just ignore her flailing arms and legs and the kicking and screaming on the floor.

You will be okay.

You're going to go to Plan A. Let her know that you love her and your marriage and you intend to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage intact.

She'll more than likely try to chop you off at the knees, spewing wayward crap about how she was planning to remain in the M but that's all off now! And how mad she is at you for embarrassing her! And blah blah blah. Let her go on her tirade. You remain calm.

Then ask her if she'd like to go out to dinner, or maybe cook something on the grill together?

She may, for a day or two, but the ods are she will be back.

She will be furiouse, she will yell, scream, rant and rave!

And you WILL hear the following.

"I was going to try to work things out with you, but not now!!!"

That is standard, wayward Fogbabble directley from the wayward script. Ignore it, and ask her if she would like to go out for dinner.


No!
No!
No!
No!

Never, ever, leave the marrital home unless you have been served with a court order demanding such! Not even for one night!

And you don't leave your marital bed, either.

Andy, how old are you and your WW? How old is OM? Where does OM live in relation to you? Have you spoken with OM's wife YOURSELF ever?

Please take a deep breath and don't go off doing anything until you have gotten some feedback and you have a clear course of action that will be effective.

Straight afterwards, you might want to mow the lawn or take out the trash. When she comes at you in fury, just remain calm and collected and tell her you sure are sorry she is so upset.

But don't leave, don't argue with her, and don't even try to reason with her. Be polite!!

Of course you shouldn't move to your parents! Don't you dare leave! Why would you even think of that? If she asks you to leave, tell her no thank you.

Plan B is not even on the distant horizon. Lets do some Plan A first, ok? Plan A is to expose the affair.

Ok cool, Thats what I was hoping for.

DO NOT LEAVE!

No matter WHAT... do not LEAVE the house. If she needs to, let her go with you smiling and waving at the door. BUT DON'T YOU LEAVE. It will NOT help the situation. I agree with Mel... Plan A but DON't YOU LEAVE.

I echo that too. DO NOT LEAVE. Chances are she is not going anywhere.

My wife continually talked about leaving. She didn't.
Heck, I even asked her to leave for 3 weeks straight.
She is still here.

You are scared of her and what she may do. Don't feel bad. I felt the same way. Learn from my mistakes. You have got to take control of this thing. Your wife is no different than the other waywards. She is not thinking logically, only in a way that will enable her to get all of her needs met.

Just listen to some of the things she says. They are ludricrous, right? Well, don't let someone in that state (akin to a drunk) make all the decisions.

Be prepared for her anger. DO NOT let her drag you into an argument. Be nice or walk away. It will be hard, but do it.

Stay in the house and be as perfect as you can be.

Oh, and another thing. Do not believe anything she says (good or bad) until the affair is dead.

She will probably say hurtful things like I never loved you, I will never love you, I could never be physical with you again, I was too young when I married, I didn't know what love was, etc.

Then she may say things like: if you tell anyone, I will definitely divorce you; I was just about to try to work things out with you and then you went and betrayed me by telling everyone; I want us to work on our friendship so that whatever happens we can be friends, etc.

Don't believe anything she says. Just work on being the best you can be and kill that affair through exposure.

Keep posting.

I've done it now. Everyone knows. Let's
see what happens. Her dad has already sent me a real nice email saying how es equally shocked and gutted. Fingers crossed.

This is good. He is one of your assets in destroying the A.

Ok, Andy, to WHOM did you expose this affair? Did you expose the affair at work? Have you also spoken to the OM's wife?

If you haven't done a complete and thorough exposure, I would get that done NOW while the getting is good.

Is her dad going to speak to her? Does she know she has been exposed?

Are you going to answer these questions or not? Others have asked you questions and you ignore them as well. Do you want help with an effective plan or not?

Yes, get it done now. I will use my example. I did not expose to OW exH and I should have. Also, make sure OW knows about this nuclear exposure.
For ex my WH OW does not know that everybody at work knows and that my IL know, my son knows, etc...she is still kept in the dark by my WH who does not want her to get all nervous...
Make sure OW KNOWS THE A IS OUT IN THE OPEN
blessing