Neak, I know what you are saying, thats why I said when we get to that point. I told her when she is ready I am. I totally agree there.

LG, No I don't think her beating me is ok, I said that I understand why she is that way. And when I say that I just take it doesn't mean I sit there and let her beat on me to no end. It means that when she does get that way I do not try and retaleate I just let her be, I try to calm her down or I do try and back away so she wont hit me. I plan on going back to SAA to get the help and support. Just waiting tills thing become more stable. I did NOT bankrupt my family, our house did that, and NO I am not fine with everything I did and yes I don't want my kids to see any of it regardless of what it is. They are innocent little kids that shouldn't have that taken away from them at this young age. I am not trying to hide from anything I just don't feeel that their little lives need to be turned upside down any more than it already has from what I did.

Why would we beat you up for something that's true?

WS's always "affair down" and your A was no exception.

My husband is a recovering sex addict. He's been sober for 3 years now with no slips or relapses. His acting out did not escalate to your level of acting out.

You MUST focus on your sobriety now. You are still thinking like an addict, and you can't improve a marriage when you are looking through the addict lens.

Your recovery MUST be your number 1 job every day for the time being. If you aren't willing to put in the work to recover, then be honest with your wife. You need to let her make fully informed decisions about her life.

Now, a 12-step group wasn't the greatest recovery tool for my husband. His best recovery tool was seeing a CSAT. You need to be seeing a therapist that deals with addictions, minimally.

Since you are comfortable with posting on forums, have you gone over to recovery nation?

Have your read through Patrick Carnes's books? He also has a workbook, called a gentle path through the 12 steps.

Is your wife reading Mending a Shattered Heart? There's another good book called "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" spouse that she may want to look into, as well as recovery nation.

Your local library will likely have the carnes books, and recovery nation is free.

Until you figure out why you've decided to self-medicate and learn better coping strategies, you aren't recovered.

I dont' think that I have recovered by far. Yes I am seeing a therapist and does addictions. Also my W is reading the shattered heart book, and we are both reading a book called after the affair. It is written from both point of the affair, pretty good read so far. Thank you for for insite I will take it onboard. Thanks again.

Hello?

This is an important question, Gack's not asking it just out of morbid curiosity.

I don't know if this has been asked yet, nave, but - do you like guys? Seriously. Do you like to be with men sexually? Do you fantasize about it?

Ok, I met the OW online through craigslist and I didn't see her that much mostly we txted a lot not really meetings. I met her a few times for lunch but only talked about the day. I would complain about not having enough sex and she said she would help with that if I ever got up the nerve to do it. I just blocked out the image of her face and had the lights out when I finally went through with it. Afterwards I regretted everything and didn't talk to her for a few days. Then she and I would try to set up meeting for lunch or sex but I would always make up an excuse not to be able to show up cause I didn't want to. I guess I was able to carry it on is because all we did was txt about evrything, sex, life, the day, work. She would just listen and give advice about stuff, plus she didn't judge me for my freak side.

After txting her for the day I would delete everything from my phone so as that my W wouldn't find anything. I also had the OW befriend my W on facebook to try and put her at ease about this OW only being a friend. That is one of the most dispicable things I could have done, trying to make them friends, I truely feel horrible about that, not to mention everything else.

I met the men through craigslist as well. No I am NOT attracted to men in anyway. I only had oral and that was it, I never wanted anything else, it discusted me that I had even done what I had done. It all started with me watching porn and masterbating. The more I watched the more kinky I needed it to be for me to be able to be satisfied. It started as porn , then went to chatting, then meeting. I do not feel that I am gay. I know what I did was not straight, but I am no way attracted to men. Since I have stopped the watching of porn and masterbating I have stopped having the feelings and urges to want to do anything.

The reason I went to men was because it was easier then getting women. There were plenty on craigslist but they all wanted to be paid and I was not paying for it, the men were free and willing to give oral and that was all it was.

There were a few times that I was suspiscious,he had this game on his phone I liked to play, and one time I picked it up and he about jumped across our kingsized bed to grab it from me. he did a few quick clicks and gave back to me. I thought it was WAY out of character for him, but at that point, everythng was gone, so I had no proof and didnt want to argue,"he always yelled and gave me a guilt trip if I tried to act like I didnt trust him. Then when the girl sent me a friend request she put a message on it that said she knew him from a while ago and asked if it was going to be ok for her to send him a friend request. I did think that was strange, but he knows so many people from the military, I really didnt think much passed that. I AM SOOOO UPSET WITH MYSELF FOR BEING SOOOOOOOOOO STUPID. I FEEL LIKE THE VILLIAGE IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had myself so wrapped around him all I ever did was talk about him. When the discovery happend, I had nothing to say for like 2 weeks. I really feel stupid:(

Let's still assume this is not trollery. (Like the neologism?)

Naveguy,


1. You ARE attracted to men. First fact you must face. You SOUGHT THEM OUT FOR SEX. The sex gave you excitement and pleasure. This excitement and pleasure was with MEN, not with WOMEN. Accept this about yourself and face this. You cannot begin to heal if you cannot face the stark reality of the truth.

2. Your idea that the OW was some sort of friend is ridiculous. She was not, and never was, a friend. She was in your life for the purpose of sex - you are blatantly dishonest with yourself if you deny this. Your idea that you were talking with her about your lack of sex in your marriage, the problems in your marriage, etc.? This was ALL A PRELUDE TO WHAT YOU WANTED, which was sex. Do not deny this, because denying this does not lead to your healing. Pretending to yourself that you wanted anything more from her than sex, including even being a friend with her, is a lie. The OW was as much of a sex object to you as the men you had oral sex with - the difference was that she may have been more difficult to convince, or perhaps somehow you thought of the sexual encounter with her as falling into a different "category" of betrayal of your vows. Either way, SHE WAS NOTHING MORE THAN A SEX OBJECT TO YOU. Not a friend.

And, furthermore, you kept her in your life - just in case you needed to USE HER SERVICES AGAIN.

You really need to think about THAT ONE. Think a LOT about that one, yep.

3. I do not yet see you as broken. You probably wonder why I say that. I say that because you are looking at your wife to give you some sort of punishment for what you have done.

People who are broken

realize that their punishment lies within.

And that the punishment will follow them all the days of their life. No matter where they go, they cannot escape themselves. And that the truest measure of their brokenness is that there is not one ounce of worthiness left within them. That they are not worthy of even ASKING for forgiveness, for punishment, to be able to offer restitution, for .... anything. They are broken, empty, lost.


You, sir, are not there yet.


Once you are there, you will find it is the best day of your life.

Because finally, you will actually be able to


"Give yourself over to God".


Only you haven't quite realized what that means at this point.




One more thing.


Your wife has absolutly no right whatsoever to hit you, or any other person on this Earth. Period.

You must stop accepting that - right now - today. No man, no person, no matter what, deserves to be abused. Your wife has not "earned the right" to abuse you.


And you must absolutely set the example for your family, as the head of the household in a Christian home, that nobody in that home hits ANYBODY ELSE. EVER.


SB

SB,

I see what you are getting at, but really I am not attracted to men, the mear thought of it repulses me. I know what I did is a form of attraction but all I did was think of it as "a mouth is a mouth".....I guess thats how I was able to do it. The sex in my M was there and was great I just lied to the OW and others I chatted with that I didn't get it so I could justify it to myself of what I was doing.

I know what you mean about the OW, I did keep her around incase I ever got up the never again that I would. But the other reason I kept txting her was because she did not judge me about my dark side of my sex wants....but I see what you are saying about it all.

I will take it all onboard as food for thought, thanks.

As a person who came from a physically abusive home, I KNOW first hand that hitting him is wrong. That is why I am going to counseling, and finding as many outlets on line to vent and get advice as I can. It is not something that I plan out ...I just totally lose control in the heat of the arguments. I am sooo lost in despair, hate, self loathing, and fear. I have only done this hitting thing 3 times, and have been working with my counselor on ways to redirect my anger to be able to deal with things in a more healthful way. My father beat the snot out of me. He was a vietnam vet and an alcoholic, and so I definately know what it does to a person, but when these occurances took place, I just plain totally lost control, It was like someone flipped a switch. I am not proud of what I did. I am beating myself up because I always said I would NEVER be like my father. Now all of this is happening and that is how I am reacting. I am trying very hard to process all of this, and I am so very physically sick over all of it. I really thought we had an awsome marriage. We do everythng together, and the only time we are apart is when I am working. We never argued, he is always up my butt, calling me, even when I want to get out to the store by myself he grabs our daughter and wants to go along. Its like he has to be with me every second. That is why I really dont understand any of this. He never had to do anything , I took full care of the kids, school, hygeine, playtime, ect... I did ALL of the housework, and also did the YARDWORK EVEN WHEN I WAS PREGNANT. I really thought he had it good. I always let him do whatever he wanted, go on motorcycle rides, go out with his buddies, ect... I just dont understand how I could be so giving and he could do this to me.:(

Yes she was and still is the greatest wife in the world.

**Edit**

*Edit**

whats up with the last 2???? **edit** ???? Whatever.

So questions.... With concept #4 Undivided Attention... How do you accomplish that if she wants nothing to do with me at this point in time???? We have talked about doing date nights again like we use to do long ago, but she has made it very clear to me that she has no desire to show any type of affection to me at all. I do understand why that is, I'm just wondering how we are to accomplish this if she is not willing yet?

Also I try all the time to make love deposits but it just seems she brushes them off and turns them into withdraws by saying something like "yeah whatever, wasn't good enough before so why is it now" Again I understand why, just don't know what else to do I am trying to do these things but it has no effect at all. I have been trying a few of these even before I was told to come here and they are not working.

What else do I need to do?????

I saw Bubble's comments before the edit. Trust me, you don't want to know.

I think you need to give your BW some time and a little breathing room. She's very angry, and rightfully so. Let her take the lead and let you know what she wants from you. Focus on being completely O&H with her. Let her know where you are and what you are doing at all times. Give her access to all of your accounts (bank, cell phone, computer, etc.).

UA time is important, but it's pretty understandable that she doesn't want to spend much time with you right now. You have hurt her tremendously and done some extremely despicable things. It's going to take a very long time for her to come to terms with everything that has happened.

Just be glad for the mods. They do their best to remove objectionable material or harassment as soon after they are notified as possible.

Right now your BW's love bank is pretty well closed to you. Do your best anyway. Be persistent and consistent, without being pushy. If she will at least go over the ENQ and let you know what her needs are, work especially hard on the top 3, as much as she'll let you, and regularly touch on the top 5.

As I'm sure you know, she is very hurt and angry right now. Hopefully as she hangs around she'll get better control over her own lovebusters, and in the meantime don't react negatively to her anger. Now that she has a place to express her anger, and people who understand her, I'd like to see her channel more and more of her anger into words here on the board.

Be very patient. This is a long process, and she will heal eventually.

Listen and re-read schoolbus response to you......YOU ARE DEALING WITH SAME SEX ATTRACTION HERE.

Stop denying this....you must acknowledge it and then you will be able to do something about it....you own it to your wife to be honest.

Google Joe Dallas, Exxodus Internation....call them....get help...and buy books by Joe Dallas....he was just like you....married and dealing with same sex attraction....he came out of that lifestyle....he is a Christian man and can help you......Call NARTH...another great resource....they can give you names of therapist that specialize in same sex attraction....stop saying watching porn made you have same sex attraction...it didn't...plenty of men watch it and have never felt to urge to have oral with other men and never do...only men with same sex attraction do this behavior...you need to get real here. This deinal is still a way of protecting your self....your shame and so on....if you truly love & respect your wife you will stop denying it....and get serious help for the SAME SEX ATTRACTION problem you have.

I have to also wonder if you were perhaps orally molested by a male, either adult or juvenile?