No, this is not a site for those who have been betrayed.

This site is called Marriage Builders and is for people who want to build a wonderful Marriage full of romantic love.

This includes some people whose husbands or wives have committed adultery, and some people who themselves have committed adultery, and some people who have never committed adultery or been betrayed by adultery!

This site is for all of us.

There are many FORMERLY wayward adulterers on this site who have made restitution to their husbands or wives using these principles. This is not an easy or quick process.

Have you read the 10 basic concepts, yet? You've already been asked to do so ... have you read them? If you are sincere, you must do this, ASAP. You are not going to be able to get anything of value here if you do not understand the basics. And you are going to have to do a lot of work to get any value. A lot of your first work is going to be reading. There are a lot of policies that you MUST begin learning, understanding, appreciating, and following in your marriage, or the rest of us are going to rightfully encourage your wife to kick you to the curb with no mercy.

By the way, running yourself down verbally and telling everyone and your wife what a piece of [censored] you are will not make the process any quicker, or easier. The process doesn't involve denigrating yourself like that. However, if you are feeling that kind of remorse, it should encourage you to actually want to make things up to your wife, which you can do through this program.

So shut up about how bad you feel, focus on how much harm you did to your wife and children and how much remorse that makes you feel, and let that remorse motivate you to do the right thing and learn and follow this program in its entirety for them.

Get busy, Navy guy. Show us what you've got.

It does seem familiar. The writing style also seems familiar. I'm still sticking to my original gut feeling - troll. I'm guessing it's the same person writing both the WH and BW threads. If I'm wrong, so be it. But I'm not buying it at this point.

As long as people posting advice don't waste their energy getting all worked up about it, the advice is still valuable for those who read it, lurkers especially.

I'm a firm believer that no good advice is wasted on here, whether it's ever taken by the threadstarter or not.

Many of you peeps on here have NO IDEA how your posts to others helped me when I quietly read them, saying nothing but learning much.

Amen.

Prisca, dear! There you are! I'm glad you're lurking around (((Prisca)))

Neak- I was a little upset that a past poster I posted to may have been a troll, so thank you for your words. I, too, learned A LOT while lurking.

/end TJ

I'm with ya.

Well first off I could care less about you people who think I am a troll you mean nothing to me.

Neak, thanks for your insite, I have been reading different threads also learning from them as well. I am here for a reason, to repair what I have left and prove my love to my wife and kids.

As far as the ugly thing goes, whatever, she was ugly before and still is. I was not attracted to her, I just got horney and she put out and didn't care that I was married, and that pisses me off that I went that way and that the OW allowed it. I have found that most of the cheaters end up screwing around with someone uglier than their spouses. I'm sure I will get a bunch of crap for saying that too.

As far as the comment about which wife I am coming home to... I know she has every right to be what ever she wants to be, either nice or mean, and I have chosen to put up with it and deal with it because I do love her and I am not going to go running everytime she has an explosive episode. The reason I said that is because she was beating on me in front of the kids and I don't think or want my kids to see her in that light. My daughter got mad at her for what she was doing and this is my fault not hers, so I made that choice for my kids so they don't have to see that side of her when I get back. My wonderful wife has curbed a lot of her raw anger and rage to when the kids are not around, so why should I create a situation for them to have to see it. I can take my beatings, and boy have I, so don't for one second think I am chickening out or blaming her for any of it. I know I am to blame and I do take full responsibility for my action. I am here to get help in moving forward and help her move forward. I know this is going to be a VERY long road to haul and I am more than willing to haul it.

Very good point, Neak, I actually never thought of it that way.

Perhaps if he were not so hostile he would get more help.

Your BW needs to not abuse you, even as great as her hurt and anger is. You both need to avoid bringing up tension-filled subjects around the children. You need to immediately implement any EP's you haven't already, and keep them in place. Be a safe person for your BW to talk to.

Work together to come up with a plan that lets her get her anger out without further damaging the kids.

Do you have an appointment set up with Steve or Jennifer? They can help come up with a plan for you to follow, and we can help you implement it.

Also, ugly/beautiful OW makes very little difference. When they're beautiful, the BW feels like garbage, like they can never compete. If they're ugly, the BW feels like garbage, how could he replace me with THAT???

FTR, I'm happy, sassy, and LONG past the garbage stage.

That's actually true, most people 'affair down'. Primarily because a) people of worth tend not to want to violate the sanctity of marriage, and b) because they usually are so low down the pecking order they revere the WS beyond the W'sS actual worth simply because they cannot believe they 'got' some body so good.

have you read the 10 basic concepts yet? They cover not only the things that CREATE love - the emotional needs (EN's) but also the things that take love away- love busters (LB's)

Yes, Nave, have you? You've been asked by two of us.

We want to know what you're doing to learn the tools that will make this better.

How is his wife gonna EVER be able to trust him again? I just have to say this out loud here....I mean he can go in any public bathroom w/o her knowing and get a BJ as he puts it and she'll never know about it! Is she gonna put a GSP tracker on IT??

I am new here so this one truly has me baffled and NO I didn't read the entire thread.....I couldn't get past much of the second page on this one.....I feel so sorry for you wife and kids....and I don't blame her for wanting to beat the snot out of you....I think that's gotta be a somewhat normal reaction to THIS situation.

Naveguy,

I'm a FWW so while different details; I've been in your situation. I have to tell you that if you really want advice, you will find it here. You also have to take the criticism-as WSs we deserve that.

I think you will find more advice if you, at a minimum, familiarize yourself with the basic MB principals. Read information on this site, order a book, do something proactive and inline with the MB principals.

You also have to quit with the excessive criticism of yourself. I'm not saying you should think highly of what you did. Remember-I've been there. I used criticizing myself openly as a way to deflect what others said about/to me, thought about me,... It is a way of avoiding the A-not productive if you want to save your M. Start focusing on what good you can give your BW.

Bottom line, I think it is your turn to show you are serious about saving you M by taking advantage of the information available to you. Ask questions about what you read and discover on this site. Don�t look for everyone to tell you what you want to hear, but read it all.

Well I am in to process of trying to read the concepts. Trying to take my time and let them sink in as I read them. When I get to a point I will start asking once I have read through them all.

Neak, No we have not set up an appointment yet, we are kinda poor right now, going through a bankruptcy and all, so kinda hard to come up with that for now. But I am planning on trying to set something up later down the line. Also Thank you for everything so far. Your replys on my BWs thread are true. I have turned myself back over to god to help get me back on the path and help us through this. I am very upset with myself for straying as far as I did. I am getting ready to convert to catholic from protestant. My BW is catholic and we never got married in the church (justice of the peace) and I asked her to renew our vowels in the church when we get to that point. I bought her a new wedding ring set and a new ring for myself as well. The converting thing was all my idea, I had been thinkng about it for a while and just never got up the gumption to do it, now is a great time too.

Peterja, Thanks and like I said I am reading them, I just am a slow reader and have to read things a few times to comprehend them. But I appreciate the help and nice to have help from someone on the same side I am on. either way I will take any criticism and advice thrown my way be it good or bad.

As far as her beating on me I know she has every right to do so and I have just sat there and taken it with no retaleation, but she has no right to involve the kids in it is my only complaint about it all. Yes I deserve it but my kids don't need to see it, especially if we work this out.

Anyway thanks again to everyone, the good and the bad I take it all on board and in stride.

She has a right to her anger, and her distrust but she does NOT have a right to physically abuse you. That is a horrible example to set for your children- her abusing you and you taking it because you 'deserve' it.

When she starts hitting you, you need to walk away.

I get that you're sorry for what you've done, but taking abuse is not going to fix it. Calling yourself names, isn't going to fix it.


It bears repeating.

Naveguy:

If you want to get past this, you can. THere are enough examples around here so that you CAN see how it happens.

Here is my thread of the time around the discovery of my Affair: Curtains for LG

Go back to SAA. It WILL Help you.

You have no boundaries and no reason to believe that you will STOP doing what you are doing. Sure, your not DOING it right now, buit tommorrow, or next week, or next month? Who knows.

SAA GIVES you the process of working through the issues that you have, with people that understand what you are going through, and will give you insight into changing those behaviors permanently.

And you feel it is OK for your wife to "Beat you" as long as the kids don't see it.

That's as whacked out thinking as I have ever seen around here. You continue a 3 year affair, have random OS with random stangers and then only seem concerned that the children see you being beat up. "Because it is a bad thing for them to learn". No, your embarrassed because they get to SEE your humiliation. Think about that.

You snuck around and did terrible things to the relationships with your W, your children and others. You bankrupted your family. And you are FINE with all that, as long as your children do not see it.

Dropping the red flag on that one....

Should your W beat you? NO. Going forward it is inappropriate for her to do so if this M is going to recover. She has to control her OWN actions, much like you were so out of control for so many years... Your actions, however were premeditated. Hers are spontaneous. YOu get 1st degree charges, she gets manslaughter.

Continue going to SAA. Get to understand Step 1. Continue reading here. There is wonderful help here. Admit your powerlessness, and start addressing your ills.

No "poor me's" either. Your a man. With value. Live with the values you wish to instill in your children.

LG

Call the counselling center anyway, and ask them how they can work with you. Maybe you can send them $20 out of each check till you have enough to pay for a session. I don't know, but it's worth asking.

Also, I advise holding off on the recommittment ceremony. You may feel ready to do it, but your BW should not even think of being ready to make promises to you for at least several years. It might help you both feel better right now (mostly you), but I think it will be much better in the long run to wait until she can honestly say she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.

Right now she doesn't want to lose you, and doesn't want to split up the family. That's a far cry from being able and willing to intertwine her life with yours again. It may happen in the future, but there's no way it could happen for her now.

Stick around and keep reading.