Everyone knowing didnt change a thing, He spends all his time alone except when he is at work. I dont know what his co-workers think. His boss only comes to town a few times a year.

His family is dissapointed in him but say nothing to him. He doesnt call them and they dont call him.

He looks terrible. Lost weight. Bags under eyes. He needs help and so do I.

So exposure came in March. It was after he had left. So, it was too late like so many said. Is there is nothing more anyone can tell me as I dont listen very well, do I? I read this thread over and over. I was too sad, weak, unstable, scared.... to tell anyone. I was in a nightmare and all I wanted to do was wake up.

I printed out what Fred posted and the "The fear is what paralyzes you". I have "Read His Needs Her Needs".
I have read as much as I have had time for. But I cant find the answers. Fix myself first. How? I cant get that man out of my head!

The way to get him out of your head is

to go to

Plan B

No contact with him. No sight, sound, reading messages.
If you are dark and truly stick with it, you will think less and less of him which is the important next step of plan B

No thinking of him.

Plan B is very tough to do at first but if you truly stick to the denial of access to you of the wayward H, you WILL get stronger and eventually wonder if having him back is something you might even do. That is power lady. Power.

You can do it. Sounds like you need to.

Sigh. Wishing you renewed strength.

You are right, you can not fix him. Now, go fix yourself and grow in getting to know who you are as an individual. What matters to you. Ultimately, what you will accept in your life and what you will not accept.

I do the things people do every day. Get up in the morning. Do things around the house. Spend time talking to the kids (they are all home right now). I have been working in some projects around the house like painting, yard work, cleaning closets out.... Not a minute goes by I dont think about my Husband and where he would fit into what I am doing....

Its been 8 months since that day, Three months since he left. THis has been the shortest 8 months of my life. Its like my life has stopped waiting for it to get itself back together again. I cannot believe it. I dont want anymore time to pass.

In two weeks I will be 50. I gave him a party on his 50th birthday. I brought 50 helium balloons home and had them all over the living room to surprsse him when he got home. The kids all were there waiting in the balloons when he and I walked in.
Then we grilled steaks at a friends and had his best friends over to celebrate. That was 4 years ago. I wish I could just skip my 50th.

I cant imagine going without talking to him anymore. He has been my bsst friend for 25 years. I am just sad tonight. You are the only one I have to talk to. Pretty pathetic huh? I dont know what to do without my best friend. Find a new best friend? I guess I have just forgotten how. At least for tonight.

Hello lostandfound,

I hear the deep despair in your recent posts. I have felt those same feelings...the aching in your soul for your best friend, the man you built your life with...a life that has so much history that you've been together longer than you were apart.

I am not familiar with your story; but from the recent posts, it sounds like you were not willing to follow the MB advice given to you. I'm very sorry to hear that. You see, following the advice I was given here was critical to my saving my marriage. Picking myself up off the floor and doing what needed done was the hardest thing I've ever faced.

Have you reached the place emotionally where you are ready to do what is necessary to give your marriage the best chance of recovery?

If so, can you post a recap of your situation? What was marriage like pre-affair? When was D-Day? Who is OW? Is this the first affair? When did you expose and to whom? Have you done a solid Plan A and for how long? What advice were you given that you did not follow?

Plan B

I think he is in Plan B. He doesnt care what any of us are doing. He is in his own world running after the OW as hard as he can. She sure knows how to play the game. Guess she has had a lot of experience. Or she just has no morals, no values and no conscience. She has no real feelings for him so she can play hard to get all she needs to. ITS WORKING!

By this post, it is clear you have no understanding of Dr. Harley's Plans.

Have you read the articles on this site?

Have you read Dr. H's articles on Plan A and Plan B?

What you describe above has nothing to do with Plan B!

My story began in October when my husband sent me a text that he had left my car in the office parking lot. You see, we have been sharing a car for several years now so that our college kids could have cars at college. I left and as I drive home I received a second text from him. It read "I am not coming home. I love you but I cant live with youy anymore. I am movng in the 'OW'. I know you are upset so I will wait to call you in a few days".

To make a long story short after my 3 kids came home from college and my oldest daughter came over and my youngest daughter of 16 we gathered in my home and cried like he had died. It was horrible. After hours of searching my son finally found him and convinced him to come home. We talked and we decided to stay together and work it out.

For the next several months I did what I thought I had to do that was lacking in our marriage. He would seem happy and say he was happy to be there and then the next day act distant and sad. Two different times during those months I came home and he had moved his things again but decided to not leave. It was torture.

We have 5 kids. Three in college, one is married and one is 16. It has been devastating for my kids. They have always worshiped their dad and felt as though he was the most selfless man they knew. They have been hurt and angry at the same time. You can imagine how hard it is but if you knew our family you would know this is something none of us thought could ever happen.

In January, my kids looked up his phone records and brought them to me. He had been calling her non stop all through December. Even on Christmas DaY!!!! It was like it had happened all over again. I really thought things were looking better.

I asked him to leave that night. I told him he could not stay with me if he was not willing to give her up or if he wasnt sure he wanted me. After hours of conversation and then some sleep he told me he wanted to stay with me and he wasnt going to talk to her anymore.

Three weeks went by.

He works at night at a local pub. My oldest son called me at about 12 midnight. The OW was in the bar and he thought I should get up there. I did. My H was mad with me for coming. Said I was trying to cause problems. SAid He couldnt be there with both of us there. We left together.

Three weeks later was Valentines Day. I was so excited to get him some things. Valentines Day gave me a good excuse to fuss over him. I bought him a bagfull of things. Mostly small things. His favorite candy. Couple of ties. Cards. Anyway, he wouldnt open any of it.

After two days of not understanding why I just let it out and said if he didnt want to be there and he couldnt hold me and love me then he needed to let me go. I was drowning. At first he got angry but then he said "If you are worried I am going anywhere, dont worry anymore. I love you and I am here to stay". Exactly what I wanted to hear.

That night he called me from work. Remember we share a car. I was just about to leave t go get him. He just said I am not coming home. And, he hasnt lived here since.

We had a great marriage before this. Things have been tough for that last couple of years financially. We have had some hurdles but have always stuck together. Our kids are wonderful and everyone in town including myself thought we had a marriage made in heaven. The fairy tale marriage it was. We were nick named Barbie and Ken. All my friends have told me over and over "you two have what we all want".

Of ocurse no marriage is perfect. Our biggest problem was communication. We never did learn to talk things out when we had a disagreement. It always got swept under the rug. I didnt talk to him about things that made me insecure about him to avoid conflict. He didnt talk to me about the fact that he wasnt getting his needs met and I had no idea he was running around. I knew he was not himself but I thought it was because he was working all day and then all but 3 nights of the week til 2 in the morning. I know I have some annoying traits as well that probably couldve contributed as well.

Yes, he had another affair 12 years ago. He swears there was not S involved. He wouldnt talk to me about it. He said he didnt do anything wrong. It took at least a year for me to get past it and stop tryng to figure out who it was and why. He was depressed for a long time. I supported him the best way I could and tried to help him. We did get very close after that but I know now we shouldve done more.

I know this is getting long. As far as Plan A. I did not expose except to immediate family for a long time. When his parents were told they immediately told him what a mistake he was making but it was after he had left in February they were told. I guess it was too late. The other part of Plan A... fulfilling his EN I did as best as I could. I did not mention the A and I did the best I could to remain upbeat and happy. I did everything I knew to do. It just wasnt enough.

Yes, I am ready to do anything to save my marriage. If there is something left for me to do that will give me HOPE I will do it. The Hope that we can reconcile will be what gives me the strengh to do it. I want to stop hurting.

He is living with a elderly couple. I am fairly certain they are telling him he needs to go home to his family but he isnt listening. The OW is involved with someone else but I have proof my H is communicating with her as well. He is giving her financial support as well.

I am totally lost. I just dont want to give up. I dont know how to give up. Any help I will listen and I will try anything.

Have you read this?

What are Plan A and Plan B?


Have you read Surviving an Affair? What other MB materials have you read?

You will have to become focused and completely self-controlled from this point on. You cannot let your emotions dictate your actions any longer. You cannot let your fear be the decision maker.

I recently spoke personally with Dr. Harley about Plan A and B. Here is what he emailed me:


I stayed in Plan A too long. I suffered much emotional trauma because of that. Although we have recovered our marriage, I dealt with many triggers and memories that I could have avoided by being in Plan B. The damage caused when a BS avoids Plan B makes recovery much more difficult if the WS ever does comes out of the fog.

You are allowing yourself to drown with the marriage. Your emotional health has suffered significantly. I understand this. I've been there, too. It is time for you to get yourself healthy. You are way overdue for Plan B.

Are you willing to go completely no contact with your husband until he agrees to meet your requirements for marital recovery? Are you willing to not see or talk to him even if he tries to contact you?

This is your best chance at healing yourself and giving your marriage the best chance to recover.

This is because you have not followed the plans. You have been allowing your emotions to rule your actions. That leads to hopelessness and feeling lost.

You have been tossed by the waves of the storm for almost a year.

Step out of the storm.





Plan B is not giving up. It is stepping out of the way of the crashing storm. It is putting on the life preserver. It is saving yourself.

IF WH comes out of the fog one day, if you didn't save yourself, you will be so emotionally crippled that you will be unable to rebuild a marriage that is intimate and fulfilling and one that will be protected from a future affair.

Tonight I will read the "what is Plan A and B" over again. I have read much on this site but I am afraid much of it just doesnt sink in. I know that I am an emotional wreck. My family keeps telling me I need to help myself and let him help himself.

Thanks and I appreciate your response and especially your understanding.

lostandfound,

Being served papers does not pose a problem to Plan B. His actions are irrelevant to your entering Plan B.

Look at it this way. Plan B is a statement about YOU and YOUR LIFE. Say to yourself: He's crazy. I'm not. His wayward craziness is making me crazy, so I must remove myself from it to keep me sane.

See? That's all Plan B is. Removing yourself from the drama/craziness/wacked-out/fence-sitting/waffling/babbling/fog of the wayward so that you can remain sane...or regain your sanity.

Earlier you said everyone keeps saying to focus on fixing yourself, and you asked HOW. I have a bit of a different take on the "fix yourself" philosophy that is sometimes posted around here.

I was not broken and in need of fixing just because my husband decided to have an affair. So I do not assume that other BS's are broken and need fixing either. I think we should instead ask ourselves how to REMAIN UNBROKEN while dealing with a wayward nut. When we Plan A too long or indefinitely, we risk being so damaged by their abuse that we then do need "afixing".

So HOW do we protect ourselves from being damaged by their wayward abuse?

PLAN B!!!!!

Once you are removed from the whims of a wayward, you will begin to regain some balance and will gradually build up your strength again.





{{{{{{lostandfound}}}}}}

lostandfound,

Are you

on anti-depressants? (I do not push these, I just want to know if you are)

eating a healthy diet?

sleeping relatively OK?

exercising?

exploring some new hobbies/activities?

protecting yourself from triggering garbage (music, TV, books, etc.)?

Some posters talk about "self-care". These are some practical ways to care for yourself.

Are you a Christian?

If so, are you attending church regularly?

Are you DAILY listening to praise music, reading Scripture, praying?

Do you attend a Bible study or small group?

lostandfound,

Can you please answer my questions? And let me know if you've read the article.

lostandfound, where'd you go?

(tj)Hope you don't mind, SMB, but I copied two of your posts for RidicSit. Dr Harley's email to you and your comments on moving to Plan B really resonated with me. I thought it applied to her sitch as well. (/tj)

I don't mind at all, SusieQ!