Bingo is not having a good day today. His days here might be numbered if he doesn't turn over a new leaf.

Update:

He's not having an A. His life is an open book. His phone is always accessible, his laptop is always accessible, neither are locked or password protected, he even took my truck today to make sure it's running right (we've had some problems lately-hence the bit of financial trouble we're having) so I'll be driving his van.

Just to answer the question in advance, I can't key log his laptop because he's way more computer savvy than I am and he's put a key logger on my computer before, he'd spot it in a second.

I'm just feeling so nauseous and uneasy about our marriage right now. I asked him last night why there was no SF and he said he didn't want to give me false hope. It's not like I can go by Plan A or anything...



Sad in El Paso.

Plus, Mother's Day is on my mind. I know in my head that I shouldn't be expecting anything from BH but my heart wants to hold on to a shred of hope that he'll pull something...anything would do.

I know I don't deserve anything, no need to 2x4 me on it.

Mother's Day is sort of a trigger for me, too. If your H doesn't do anything, it is NOT likely to be because he thinks you an awful mother or even that he doesn't love you. It's just hard to celebrate anything when the A pain is there.

I did make a little breakthrough last night, as far as his reason for withdrawing.

We were going to watch shows that we have recorded on the DVR and he skipped some cartoon network cartoons that I don't particularly care for. He said, "I know you hate everything I like." I said, "What do you mean? I don't hate everything you like." He said that when I posted ads on singles sites (Which I did during the period in 09/09 when he was moved out and I felt I had the right to have a ONS and thought I had the right to look for attention on single's sites) that everything I put on there was the opposite of things he likes.

Now I know that's not what I was thinking when I did that but all that matters right now is how he feels about it. Those posts on single's sites are now long gone but, how do I fix this? Any advice?

I was once cheated on during my marriage. Before we got married, I swore I am gonna leave him if I catch him cheating- but when it happened- it wasn't easy to just leave. It isn't easy to just throw anything good left between me and him. I knew he loved me, but he made a mistake. I went though nights without sleeping too. I went through nights taking pills just so I can rest and when I wake up- I wanted to sleep again just so I can forget the pain. But I love him and he loves me, I know. I know in my heart. He asked me to go through therapy. I am glad I did and now we're still together. I sure hope you find peace in your marriage soon.

Find something you know he really enjoys.....anything at all. Then find an event to take him to that he'll love, even if you are bored out of your mind (believe me, I spent an entire Saturday at a comic book expo bord out of my mind but WH had a great time). Or figure out something special to do with it. Get him a magazine subscription. Rent a movie you know he'll like and SIT THROUGH IT with him! And then act like you loved it after. You never know, you might be surprised!

Another piece of advice. I saw you posted something on my thread about the good mood tactics. MAKE yourself someone he wants to be around, even if it's deadly hard! If you mope around feeling guilty all the time, he will pick up on that. Be cheerful! Greet him with a kiss when he comes home! Make him feel like you are SO HAPPY to see him! Be cheerful and act like you LIKE yourself! It will catch on to him too. Find ways to make him laugh. Be upbeat.

You can do this, Margie!

Oh....and about the SF. Give him affection. It doesn't have to be SF. Hugs, kisses, touches......he says he doesn't want to give you false hope. But who doesn't want affection? Don't put a lot of pressure on it though. Maybe put the kiddos to bed, pour a couple glasses of wine, light a fire, and let the mood work its magic.

Thank you NP. Your post sent me into tears just because I don't deserve the kindness and support I'm getting here. I always try to greet him with a hug and a kiss but the good mood does go a long way and I need to work on that.

I'll be searching for some activity for us to do together that he would love.

Thank you so much for your advice!

IMO, you deserve the support, Margie. You cheated, yes. But you honestly want to save your marriage. And that is what this forum is about! Most BS would be over the moon to see their WS trying so hard to fix it. I would be. And you deserve support for that fact alone.

Short ThreadJack
I feel similar to Gamma.

I had several chances to commit Adultery before my wife did. I chose not to do that to Myself, My Wife, and our Marriage. However, she made the choice of bringing adultery into our marriage for me. If I knew about her future adultery back then, I may have chosen very differently when it came to my own opportunities to commit adultery.

Due to my changed perception from not even considering adultery before her A, to my new perception as seeing those incidents as "Missed Opportunities" I recognize that my once high boundaries have dropped to a very low state. Since I am able to recognize this, and really don't want to commit adultery, I have initiated E.P.'s to protect my currently weak boundaries.
(I hope the weak boundaries are a temp think and will strengthen with recovery)

Why not?

Isn't Plan A for the BS? It's to end the A, clear the fog etc?

I'm the WS... If Plan A can benefit me/my situation please let me know how!

You can always benefit from Plan A. Usually it's used by WS. But I think any marriage can benefit from the carrot part of the plan (no AOs, no selfish demands, no independent behaviours, etc).

Very true. It's actually what I'm already trying to do. Be in the marriage, just better.

Plan-A is for anyone who wants to persuade there spouse to stay in the marriage by showing them how good marriage with you could be.

Sounds kinda like what you want, yes?

Sounds exactly like what I want. I hadn't read up on it, thinking it wasn't for my situation but I definitely will now. Thanks.

Small update:

BH got home from the clinic (he has clinicals 3x/wk) got on the phone with a new (guy) friend almost immediately (I could hear the guys voice, not a woman FYI) and left within 1/2 hour for the evening.

I gave him a big kiss, hug and "how was your day" when he got home which he responded well to but when he ate and turned around and just left... I was crushed. I just broke down crying. He asked why and I talked a little but I DIDN'T WANT TO CRY! I couldn't help it.

I had every intention of being nice, sweet and lighthearted and damnit if I couldn't do it. I don't know how some of you guys hold it together when your WS do it to go off with the AP. Koudos to you all.

ML- Sorry you are hear but I applaud your honesty and desire to recover your marriage. Your husband's justifyable anger may be hard for him to get past. I'm sure it won't happen quickly.

I'm not saying you should bring the subject up, but how much have the two of you discussed the affairs? What does he say about it when you do or have talked about it?

I know I would be doing backflips and handstands if my WW made any effort towards reconciliation. Keep doing the best you can and I suggest you try some of the Plan A techniques as well.

We really don't talk about the As. As I'm sure you can understand, I don't want to talk about them, my skin crawls and my stomach turns. But as it has been suggested, we may need to talk about them more.

I am trying to follow a type of "reversed" Plan A, I suppose.

Thanks. I'm not going to quit.

And so it begins...

I checked his phone this morning. Definite EA with an exgirlfriend who lives in Dallas (We're in El Paso). So far them just trading "I love you"s. There were some texts to the guy whose house he went over last night saying, "Come on, let me come over and drink. I need to get away from my wife."

When you guys are right, you're right... sadly

So how do you document text message convos? I don't know if I'm going to be able to install one of those programs on his phone or not but I'm definitely going to try. Also a keylogger on his laptop but I have to wait to do that until he goes to class later this morning and this evening...

I feel like I totally deserve it, not because of the usual guilt but because I actually physically cheated first.

I still have a chance to save my marriage. That's the way I see it.