I am just one of those people who doesnt take meds. I bearly even take cold medicine. Usually when I have a cold I will just put a halls in hot tea and use a vaporizor. I have a hypothyroid, so I have to take synthroid, but I really dont like meds. I also have a lot of problems with weight fluctuation because of my thyroid disease, so yes side effects worry me greatly. I have some friends that were on those meds and they did gain ALOT of weight, and the whole thing about me not being able to just quit cold turkey worries, me. I feel like if I do gain weight, then I wont be able to just stop quick enough if I am not happy with the med. I stopped breastfeeding when I discovered about the affair. My baby was a very big baby 10lbs 7oz and his collar bone was broken at birth, so I was having problems with him latching, I tried just pumping, but when I discovered what happend with my husband, it was all just too much. I just couldnt keep up,and my milk went down. So that is not a factor in the med thing, its mostly just me being me when it comes to taking any kind of med is all. I also fear that I will have a hard time comming off the meds. What if I cant, what if I feel like i MUST have them. I will give some thought to them, but I definately want to try the natural approach first, and I definately will talk to my doctor before I do any of that...I have to because of my thyroid condition. Thanks for your thoughts and advice, I have a lot to think about.

I have had very good results with kava-kava. Research it thoroughly first. It is a non-addictive anxiolytic and is very good for sleep. Does not make you "high" or "out of it" and you can still work after taking it. It just eases the rage and anxiety. Just Google it and you will get many hits.

Thanks honey, I will look in to that, I havent heard of that one

ok, its 1130pm, I cant sleep, and cant stop crying. Im dying right now. I feel like I have been just muttling through each day. Cant think straight, cant make a decision to save my life. Nothing makes me happy. Even when my kids are being cute, what used to fill me up with joy, I find myself forcing a smile for, and that is just so I wont hurt my daughters feelings. I am so numb. When I smile or laugh at anything its forced, there is no real joy in anything. I am consumed by what my husband has done. I am consumed by the thoughts of would of ,could of, should have. I dont even rest at night, consumed with nightmares, and then the reality of every morning waking up to ""oh yeah, that did really happen" I want it all to go away, I want my old life back. I know I can never have it back and my old marriage and life are dead now, but I cant help it, I am stuck there. Like a nightmare that I can never wake up from. I know this is supposed to take a long time, but its already been 3 months that feel like an eternity. I feel like I am going no where, I dont want to leave but just cant figure out how to stay. I am sooo paranoid. sooooo afraid he will do this again. Will I be this way forever? Has anyone stayed and worked this out? Will I ever calm down and enjoy being in love, cuz right now loving him really sucks. I wish I didnt. I love him so much, and yet when I try to force myself into thinking about being affectionate toward him, my mind floods with thoughts of what he did. They take over. All I see is him driving home every other day texting her, or them meeting for lunch and sharing their day, and him sharing things about MY life, MY kids, with her. Fine if he shared himself was one thing but to include her into any portion of my life makes me feel sooo violated. She even had the nerve to text him after baby was born and ask how everyone was doing, I mean come on, she should have not have known anything about me other then he was married. The fact that he shared all that stuff with her makes me furious, and sick. Speaking of sick, then there is the thoughts of the men. I cant stop myself from thinking over and over about how he would do the oral thing with them when he got off work, then picture me comming home all those times, and him kissing me. Its enough to make me want to vomit. He tries kissing me now and thats all I see is some guys c*&K in his mouth. How am I ever going to get passed this. How can I find a way to be affectionate with him again. I am soo afraid I will either drive him away, or drive him right back in to a relapse. He swears he will wait as long as it takes, and he is here for me. Said he wont let me self destruct, but I already feel like I am doing that. Sorry to be dumping and collapsing here, but my mind is racing and I just need to get it out somehow. Just hate my life right now dont really want to be here anymore, but I would never do anything to hurt my children so I feel trapped, like I am suffocating right now. I think I just need reassurance that I can do this, that it is possible to overcome, and that this paranoia wont last forever.

THat's what we're here for. Vent here.

I understand about not wanting to take the meds - I was the same way - but I ended up on antidepressants for about a year because I just could not function any other way. I sounded just like you did in your last post, and hey, I used to be quite sane and normal too.

Please call and make an appointment with your doc first thing tomorrow morning. Tell them what is going on and tell them why.

If even that is too long to wait, you can go to the ER right now tonight and tell them the same thing. They will treat the anxiety right away and then your regular doc can set you up with the appropriate AD.

ADs are just emotional painkillers.

If you break your leg, you get Vicodin.

If your break your heart, you get ADs.

Please talk to someone about this. I did not want to do it either and held out for way too long, but as I said I did finally start an AD because I just could not take the pain any longer. I was on Pexeva, similar to Paxil, and used Ativan for the anxiety. I am completely off both of them now and only use Kava occasionally, usually just for sleep.

We've all been there. Sometimes the meds are the only thing left. You will make it.

You can do this. You can heal from this trauma. What do you need to do to take care of you? That's number 1.

It IS possible to overcome, as much as one can. I won't know if my husband truly overcame his addiction until the day he dies. For now, though, it's good. My husband's a recovering sa and has been sober/in recovery for 3 years now.

That said, if one lives with a recovering addict, there IS inherent risk involved. There is always risk of slips or relapse. Granted, that risk might be minimal. But it's still there. I have an exit plan that my husband is fully aware of, incase my boundaries are broken.

The best thing you can do for yourself is learn everything you can about this addiction, get help for PTSD in whatever form you are comfortable with and heal from this trauma, figure out your boundaries, and learn to trust yourself again. This to-do list needs to take place over the course of years. It takes couples 3-5 years to heal from sex addiction. You've got a long road ahead of you, should you choose to reconcile.

I've been terribly sick all day, so I don't know if anything I say right now will make much sense, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are others here who have been where you are, and we made it through. There were times when I didn't think I would survive all of this, but I'm still here.

My situation is a little different from yours, though perhaps not so much. My H had a long term EA (somewhat PA as well, though no intercourse apparently) with an ex-girlfriend. He confessed that one to me about 6 months after it ended, but I didn't get the entire story until last year. During the EA, he also engaged in quite graphic internet sex with both men and women. No, it didn't progress to meeting in person and actually physically doing the acts, but in my mind, that didn't make much of a difference. I was still horrified to have to hear about all of the things my H had done with complete strangers. I still questioned his sexuality and wondered if I could ever trust him again. But our situation is much more complicated than yours, since I ultimately distanced myself from my H so much that I ended up having an A as well and getting pregnant by the OM. Now, my H and I are raising my OC and dealing with multiple A's.

It isn't easy, but it does get a little better everyday. 3 months may seem like a long time, but the road to R generally takes many years. The early months are definitely the hardest. This is a long and painful journey, but looking back on it, it is one that I am glad that I decided to take. My family is going through some very rough times right now with one of our sons, and I couldn't imagine not having my wonderful H by my side during all of this.

navewife
You will get to the other side of this, but it takes many months. Though my H had only one A with an OW, I felt as you do now. I could not function, I could not smile, I was a mess. I experienced anxiety attacks which I never had before and I had nightmares as you have described. I am soo sorry for your pain.

I wanted to let you know that I did not take ADs because I just didn't want to deal with "getting off of them". So it can be done.

Concentrate on you and your kids right now. Ask for the domestic help that you need from WH and any other friends or family who are around. Try to do one thing at a time and if that's all you can do in one day, so be it.

Be kind to yourself. Don't try to be supermom. You won't be able to and it will make you feel worse.

You're not alone. ((((((navewife))))))

{{{{{Navewife}}}}}

You will get through this. I can promise you that.

You will also have to go through this process whether you are with WH or not, except you wouldn't have help with the kids.

That shouldn't stop you from leaving if at some point you decide you no longer want to try and save your M. (Especially if you find there has been a relapse.)

It should only stop you from leaving if you think things will suddenly feel better for you if he's not around. It just doesn't work that way - you'll still have to deal with all the same images and nightmares before you heal.

Keep venting here, and just hold on. No matter what direction your M takes, this will get better for you.

Yes, it does get better...in time.

What you have described is understood perfectly by every BS here...we have ALL felt this same exact way. You have done a fantastic job of describing what we have all gone through.

navewife...I strongly believe that your anxiety would be helped tremendously if you had a good PLAN for recovery.

Do you have one? Can you counsel with Steve or Jennifer? If not you need to ask for help here and come up with a PLAN for recovery; writing out your EPs, figuring out ENs and LBers, etc.

Having a plan will help you to have HOPE that things can get better.

Look at the likelihood your husband is a sex addict. Research Patrick Carnes and his books, he is the expert.

Sex addicts will begin with porn/masturbation but will often move on to harder and harder stuff, like any other addiction.

Most sex addicts will engage in some kind of infidelity at one time or another, so it is not unlikely we will see many families hurt by infidelity of a SA, and will land here But not all infidelity is due to sex addiction.

I think you know it is more than just infidelity. And there is more to this than just some indiscretions that he can stop. he wants to stop, he truly does, but will be unable to unless he owns up to his behavior and begins to work on his compulsion as an addiction. This does NOT give him an out. If anything, this is tougher to deal with. He has used sex as a self-soother, his drug of choice, his companion, his secret life. And to quit cold turkey means he will go through some VERY hard times.

It is unlikely he can stop on his own. He will want to, but he will go back to the addiction of lying and self-soothing. He is asking you to regulate him, which is not fair to you.

Get help for yourself from someone experienced with sex addiction.

Thank you, I am still having the same feelings today, crying ect..but not as intense as last night. I felt like I was suffocating last night. Now I have the stress of my father being in the hospital with a possible heart attack. I probably will have to go home at some point, and not sure what to do. On one hand I want to leave the kids with him and go, so I can concentrate on my dad and not be distracted with everything going on and kids. ...but then I remember, the last time I traveled to home to see family is when he had the affair, he could so easily send my daughter off on a playdate, and do it again. God I just hate being so paranoid. I shouldnt have to feel like a babysitter. He is trying soo soo hard and doing everything he is supposed to, why cant I acknowlege that that is good. I am too afraid to feel comfortable with anything he does. I do want to work this out, I do want the fairytale ending where he sees what he has done and learned the error of his ways and never wants to hurt me again, I want to believe it so bad, but yet, I am afraid. Yes, I too have an exit strategy that I am in the process of setting in to place, but I dont want to even think that. I want this to work,but I feel like I am going to destroy any chances of that happening if I cant get my mind straight. THANK YOU ALL FOR HELPING ME WITH THIS, You all are helping me more then you know

I am not sure of where to start with a recovery plan. We can not afford anything right now, we just filed for bankrupcy. Things are super tight with new baby, bankrupcy, ect... I would love some advice on a first step direction to take with putting a recovery plan in place, I am so confused right now I dont know what to do or how to do it. I think I need someone to point me in a direction before I will be brave enough to take an step anywhere.

Well, here I am again. Just wanting to vent. Read his thread today, and was SUPER irritated. Couldnt believe that for one, he had the nerve to post something without talking to me first. I did not appreciate learning about it online. I had been out of town, but still he could have called me in the morning and discussed it so I didnt have to find out by stumbling upon it. Then the post itself sent me off like a bottlerocket. Talking about how he is still holding back and cant tell me everything. I mean...are you kidding me? One of the exuses or reasons he makes for chatting with the OW was that he could tell her things he was afraid to tell me because he was afraid of what I would think of him if he told me those thoughts.....so then chatting led to the A, now he is blatenly admitting he is holding back again, afraid of what I will think of him again, (isnt that where he started with this whole affair thing<?) I dont know how many times I have asked him since Dday to be honest with me, tell me everything, his thoughts and feelings along with his actions, and over and over he is spilling out new info that he has held back. I AM SICK OF IT!!! So I have put my foot down. I have given him multiple chances to straighten up, I am tired now. Done with giving him anymore chances. I mean really, if he has that much problem sharing with me, maybe that is a sign he doesnt neeed to be with me. As far as I am concerned if he loves me like he says, then sharing his every thought and feeling shouldnt be that difficult. HELLO,...I already know he had an affair, trolled online for men, had oral with several men, and LIKED it...and yet I am still here.....shouldnt that scream love and loyalty. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR HIM TO JUST SHARE HIS THOUGHTS THEN??? I mean he cant possibly get any lower in my mind. So what the heck is he afraid of?? He said he was afraid of what I would think of him, and was afraid I would leave him. WHAT???? SERIOUSLY???? I KNOW HE LOOKED FOR AND HAD ORAL WITH MEN AND LIKED IT AND I STILL DIDNT LEAVE HIM AND HE IS WORRIED WHAT I THINK NOW. What a freaking idiot, I really dont know who I married. I am definatly with a stranger. Of course I guess I am just as much of an idiot for staying. Kinda how I am feeling now anyway. Why am I being a stupid idiot?? Thats ok, though, I told him I am at the end. He needs to just get it together or leave. If I find out he is holding back He will be out. He should not have to do so much psycho analyzing, sharing with me and being open with me should not have to be work, especially when I have shown him that he has done the most dispicable things and I am still here. That should scream safety to him. Shouldnt it? Why can he be open and honest with strangers but he cant with me. It just doesnt make sense

You should not be reading his thread.

He should not be reading your thread

Unless you give each other permission. Personal threads are to provide each spouse with a safe place to expresses honestly and get advice.

Nothing says, "You stupid @W#$&%" like a betrayed wife screaming at you.

There is a physiological reaction when someone you love and that you've hurt screams at you. It's not a healthy reaction.

And while the recovery of your marriage is up to him, the final destruction could easily be in your hands.

You have to get a handle on your temper. Read your signature and see if you can soften it.

Because "safety" that you claim he should feel, isn't what he feels when you blow.

Stop reading his thread.

Let us beat him up for you.

You work on you.

I would suggest you read my thread What kind of recovery?

Then get into an S-Anon group and start finding some serenity. FAST!

We will, too.

Seriously though, I'll make it three in a row. Lil and KA are right on in what they said about needing to stop read each other's threads, and controlling your AO's.

It stinks big-time, and the whole big mess isn't your fault at all. You still need to choose how you're going to react.

{{{{{Navewife}}}}}

I am so there!

He continues to come on for his daily beatings, lol, which should be encouraging to you, just a little.

On the one hand you don't want to get your hopes up, at least not for a long while, but on the other hand, as long as he's continuing to work at things, on MB and also with his SA groups, it's fine for you to be cautiously optimistic.

You will likely feel a lot of self-doubt, and I want to encourage you to trust your judgment anyway. What he's doing now is making progress, albeit slow (that's normal). If he stops making progress or begins to slide back, you WILL know. You WILL see a difference.

And if the time comes when the two of you have re-bonded in a strong, fulfilling M, you can also trust yourself to notice right away if he ever goes back. Your gut will most likely tell you before you ever find proof.

As you hang around MB and hear the things waywards say, you become more and more tuned in to fogspeak, and can recognize it a mile off. If your WH defogs, and then goes foggy again, you'll spot it every time it comes out of his mouth.

I would support you at any time that you chose to call it quits. I will just as cheerfully support you in trying to R your M. There is still hope, and time is your friend.