Yup...as she said...

Click "notify" in the bottom right hand corner of each post and ask the mods to move this to the "Surviving an Affair" Board.


So sorry.

Read this thread...it gives a summation of strategies and techniques all condensed in one thread.

Notable Posts - For Newly Betrayed Spouses by Longhorn

So who is the guy and what did you find?

Mr. Wondering

What is going on? Who is he? Is he married?

The most effective weapon you have in saving your marriage is exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so bringing it out into the open will ruin it. We have had affairs that ended the day they were exposed. Others take longer, but exposure hastens its death.

And why do you have to do this? Your wife is high on an affair and that is why she wants to leave the marriage. But once the affair is killed [and it has no future anyway] she won't feel that way. It is like an alcoholic. First you have to remove the booze and THEN he can recover.

If she is communicating via computer, I would slap a keylogger on her computer before you do anything. Go to spectorpro.com and buy eblaster and put it on there. After you expose the affair she will get more secretive.

THEN, go over and read Dr Harley's article on the benefits of exposure and then come back here and we can discuss a strategy with you [DON'T LET ON YOU KNOW YET!!]: EXPOSURE

[

Ok, I found the affair. A separate email account that I hacked. This guy WAS a friend of ours. I had suspicion, but never reason. He is single. Was married years ago but wife left him.

Regardless, they have had sex. They have met up. My daughter is involved as she has been there to wherever they met i think.

My wife is gone today (maybe meeting up with him . who knows...she lied about her doctor appt. time so who knows).

When she logs in to her computer tonight to talk to him, she will see the password changed and she will know I know.

What do I do? I need help as I am panicked!

Breathe, just breathe.

Did you see what ML and others posted above? Do that. Get ready for Exposure.

Dday...

Make sure any evidence you've found is put someplace safe. If it's emails...forward them to another safe account you set up so you'll always be able to get them whereever you may end up.

I think that thread I linked you to has some d-day suggestions.

Your wife will NOT act like you expect her to. She will be MAD AT YOU. It's incredulous...but that's how wayward minds work. Her thinking ---> you neglected her so she found someone else to love her....she didn't think you'd care....she deserves this....you are aweful...you are toxic...you are bad and OM is great (you'd even like him).

I encourage you NOT to go ballistic. That will only FEED her rationalizations and justifications.

I'd also encourage you to get that voice activated recorder and hide it in the room with you when you confront her. She MAY go nuts on you...hit you...THEN call the cops and try to have YOU arrested. First priority is to PROTECT YOUR LEGAL and CUSTODIAL ISSUES. YOU matter too.

It is EXTREMELY unlikely that she will end the affair tonight. Don't expect that. Just get the truth on the table and overcome the wall of denial and see where it goes from there.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - of course you have the right to divorce for adultery. That is your perogative. However, may I suggest that NOW is really not the time to make that decision. You don't have to decide today (even if your WW wants you to...which is a common ploy as they want YOU to be the bad guy and file for divorce and all). I wasn't sure what was going to happen in my situation but I was willing to try to see what could happen. It worked out TREMENDOUSLY for me. I have ZERO regrets...but it was a very tough decision for me to put off deciding a few months on whether I was going to divorce her back in 2005. So glad I waited whereas others aren't so glad. Ultimately...it's YOUR call.

I also hope you've got enough evidence including when it started and all the details as they will certainly be a lot more careful from here on out (though the recorder in the car usually catches them off guard)

Conversely...some WW's respond to D-day by bringing it all out in the open as though your marriage was LONG AGO over and now that you know...they will just play act as though it's NOT an affair at all...that you KNEW about it...that it's all ok and great. They do this so immediately because there is no one left to hide it from and they fully intend to continue it unabated thereafter...so what the heck, make it sound as legitimate as possible and go from there. THEY DON'T CARE

W

Can you change the password back so that you can read, prepare and plan your confrontation on your own terms and timetable.

Not that there is ever a good time for D-day and typically the sooner the better...but you've been here on MB less than 14 hours. You don't know what you are up against...yet.

No idea what the password was so no, I cannot.

How much "evidence" did you get?

Have you read that thread I referred you to???

Any questions???

Sounds like you'll be having D-day tonight so go for it.

Be calm.

The only good news I can give you is at least you now know the truth about your life and your marital problems. This is BETTER than her not giving you any chance to fix your marriage absent an affair. At least now...you have a chance to bust it up AND fix your marriage.

Mr. W

IC,

So sorry you are here, but we know exactly, and i mean exactly how you feel. Most of us have been right where you are.

Whatever evidence you can get, get right now! Forward to yourself, print, store offsite if you can.

Breathe, i know it feels like your stomach is coming up through your throat and your head is spinning.

Gather evidence and make a plan, listen to the people here. I would not confront her after just finding out. Give yourself, and your temper/anguish time to settle.

What type of evidence do you have?

Dont worry about the computer password now, you will just have to look confused and deny you had anything to do with it and act cheerful although i know that sounds impossible.

We are here for you!

SWW

Also...you'll get more reponses on the Surviving an Affair board as it's the most active board here on MB.

If you haven't yet done so...notify the mods to move your thread over to SAA...NOW!!!

Mr. W

Sent pics, nude pics, talk of acts performed on another....about 30 'discussions'

Hello igrip, welcome to MB.

No doubt you feel panicked right now (totally understandable) but do your best to keep your chin up and remain as calm as possible. Showing "too much" of how you feel may lead your W to suspect you "KNOW" something's up and she may, in turn, go "deeper underground" in hiding her A which will make it that much more difficult for you to gather evidence. The more you can find out (without her knowing) the better.

As for evidence, do as some others here have already advised and find a place to keep it safely out of her reach. You can open yourself a new email account (unbeknowst to her) and keep some particulars in there while, for other stuff (that cannot be saved on a computer), maybe a VERY TRUSTED friend/family member of yours can store it for you at their place (never leave evidence with someone you can not be 100% secure in leaving it with). If you have no other choice but to hide evidence at your own home, make darned sure it is hidden somewhere your W would NEVER think to look (waywards will look virtually everywhere they can when it gets right down to it).

At this point, I'm not really sure what else to say as you have only given us so much info (so far) to work with. The more you can tell us...the better! Of course, since you already know that there is, indeed, an A going on, you can continue with snooping and then come back here with any new updates. Then, we should be able to advise further.

Have you read the snooping 101 (or the snooping 102) threads yet? If not, those are great places to gather information on "how" to go about snooping in the best way(s) possible.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you have to be here. My heart truly goes out to you, igrip. As much as it sucks to "HAVE" to be here, though, take note that you are in the right place to find help.

All the best to you. :-)

igrip,

move this thread to SAA, you are gonna need help and that's where it is. Ok,
get all that evidence offsite where she cannot find it and try to destroy/delete it.

Sounds like you have enough evidence to confront, it's up to you when. As long as you can be controlled, not lose your temper, beg, yell etc. its fine to do it whenever.

I thought about a plan before confronting. It gave me alittle time to calm down and worked best for me. She is going to deny it, then when you show her the evidence she be out outraged at you for "snooping"!

She will say she cant believe you are that devious and blame the whole thing on you.

She will follow the script like they all do, but, we will tell you her next move so you can be prepared.

igrip, this is NOT your fault. It isn't!

SWW

And don't mention marriage builders...

you are gonna need this place

igrip, here is how I would play this. When she comes home tonight, I would tell her you know all her affair. Don't tell her HOW you know but just tell her you have had her "watched" and give her enough detail so she knows you know. [mention that they met together on such and such date and had sex, etc] Just give her enough detail so she knows you know.'

Then ask her to end her affair NOW by sending the OM a no contact letter pledging to never ever see or speak to him again. DEMAND THAT SHE END HER AFFAIR. Tell her also she is to NEVER EVER take your child around her adultery partner and will not be allowed to take her out again.

See what she says. But do not tell her anything about exposure yet. Exposure needs to be done to kill this affair, but you don't want to use that as leverage. '

Then tomorrow, plan to expose this affair wide and far. Make up a list of exposure targets and just start calling them. Expsure targets should be:

1. parents of all, yours, hers and the OM
2. close friends and family
3. your children
4. pastor

How old is your child that was exposed to the OM?

Our daughter is 2.

I snooped on her email and found out - I feel guilty. I am happy with what I found, well, actually, not happy, but glad that it is out and I know about it.

So, I feel as if she redirect her madness at me snooping...but I had to or I would never find out.

I spoke to my counselor this afternoon - he suggested giving her a note telling her that I know. If I make demands, etc..I am the guy she hated before that 'drove' her away (in her mind I think). I am actually trying to change and be a better husband...then this.

I'm SO confused. Do I stay in front of her and make her talk. Or do I walk away and give her time to think her thoughts clearly.

I cannot control my wife anymore - that is one of the behaviors I vow to stop. But....oh, confusion.

igrip-

So sorry you are going through this.

PLEASE follow the MB suggestions to a T (not your counselor's) if you want the best chance of saving your marriage.

You are getting great advice here.

And NEVER feel guilty for stepping up and finding out the TRUTH about your marriage!!!