Ok, so this is what I am going to do (I think). Following this advice, I will stay calm first and foremost.

I will tell her that I know of her affair tonight. I will stay home and sleep in my own bed. I will tell her that I am still working on myself and strive to move forward in this relationship. Then I will hush and see what happens next.

She had 'planned' on going out of town this weekend (with our baby) to meet up with this guy (she told me it would be with her friend, but now I know better).

I know we cannot foreshadow, but is she still going? Will she want to? Will she feel devastated? Can I refuse to have her take baby to another mans home? Where are my lines here...what are my options....thank you thank you thank you everyone.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. You are her husband and have the right to know everything she does. This is information about your life that was being wrongfully withheld from you. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. So, please LOSE this inappropriate guilt. She will use that AGAINST you if you don't stop it.


Yes, she will use your inappropriate guilt against you if you don't stop it. You do not apologize for busting her, you have a right to know everything she does since she is your wife.


This is a MISTAKE. Counselors do not have the slightest idea how to save marriages from affair. DR HARLEY DOES. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the author of the book, [the adultery BIBLE] Surviving an Affair. Here is what he says:


Please do as Dr Harley suggests and DEMAND that she end her affair.

igrip, you have to prepare as much as possible *right now* for exposure, since you say she will realize you snooped when she finds the password changed.

That's ok, some ppl go through D-day before coming here anyway. You're here and you can put together a plan right now.

Like folks say, gather as much evidence as possible - download, print out, store, etc.

Also, can you install a keylogger on her computer before she gets home? There are some you can purchase online. Once she gets home and finds out, she may go underground... not allow you access to her computer any more, etc.

Also, since she will know you know, you should prepare to expose to everyone asap. You want to get to them before she does, because she will try to "spin" it to make you the bad guy. You want to expose to her family, her friends, the other man's family, friends, work, etc.

Do they know each other from work? From a club? Expose.

When you talk to her family, be sure to let them know that you want to fight to save your marriage. Hopefully they will be on board with helping you.

You can melt down later. Right now you've got a lot to do before she comes back.

NOTHING will likely interfere with her intention to go and see the OM this weekend.

Nothing.

Of course, you MAY get lucky. It's happened...but unlikely.

I wouldn't fight or argue about this weekend with her too much tonight (obviously she can't take the baby with her) as we'll see if she still wants to go tomorrow after you expose her torrid behavior to friends and family asking for their help.

Try to LISTEN tonight....and Plan A her.

Don't fight, Don't argue and certainly don't beg or grovel as doing any of that only makes things worse. What is gonna happen is gonna happen. You only control YOU....so control YOU.

I GUARANTEE....YOU will make it...regardless of the outcome.

You did read that other thread...right???

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - You can do this. Just get through what you need to do right now, ok?

igrip, today, my H and I are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary "BECAUSE" of MB (ironically, I just seconds ago posted something about it in the Anniversary thread). I agree with SidneyT above; listen to MB suggestions instead of your counsellors, these folks here REALLY do know what they are talking about and they are your best bet for saving your marriage.

My advice to you: follow MelodyLanes plan above, it's a good one.

Good luck!

Yes, Plan A for all you're worth. Have you read that yet?

YES, you can refuse her taking your child!!! How can she take your innocent 2 yr old daughter OVERNIGHT to another man's home????? Who knows who this man could be???? Protect your child!!

You can tell her you know the truth of where she's going. Probably she will go anyway.

I would DROP this part: "I am still working on myself and strive to move forward in this relationship" This is not excuse for her affair but if you bring this up you will just give her COVER to justify her affair. Don't hand her that ammunition. THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR AN AFFAIR.

Even if you were the worst husband in the world, adultery is not the solution.


Ask her to cancel this and end her affair. Tell her that you are disappointed she has dragged your daughter into her affair and that you will not allow her to take your child there again unless she has a court order.

I would most certainly refuse to allow her to take your baby to meet up with OM while she engages in adultery! What a horrible, deceitful environment to force on a child. Shame on her.

And as you read, you will realize that affairs are like addictions. Your WW will more than likely feel like she cannot be away from OM and will do whatever she can (as she already has been) to continue contact with him.

You cannot trust anything she says or does right now! She's a liar.

Once you expose to everyone, this A will become more and more difficult for her to pull off and she will find she has less 'power and control' over the situation.

from What Are Plan A and Plan B?

jgrip, sorry you're here under these circumstances. Listen to what is advised here. Couple of things:
1. Do NOT feel guilty about snooping and do NOT allow her to guilt-trip you! There should never be hidden things in marriage - and that includes locked cell phones and hidden passwords, etc. I have all my H's passwords, he has mine, I have certain spying tools that I still use and he knows that. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothiing.
2. Your D-Day is here, since you've hacked the computer and have plenty of intel. When she gets home, calmly show her a few copies (copies, jg! put the emails you've found in a safe place and show her copies!) of the emails and say something like "We have something we need to talk about. Would you like to tell me about these?"
3. She's going to put the blame for the affair on you. Don't allow it. You didn't make her choose to have an affair. That little goose egg belongs solely to her.
4. Remain calm. Let her know that you will do whatever it takes to save your M. And the first thing is that she has to end the A.
5. She may stay. She may leave. (Count on her leaving for the night and running to OM.)You can't make her stay, but whatever happens, YOU DON'T LEAVE. AND YOUR DAUGHTER DOESN'T EITHER.
6. Speaking of your daughter, can you get her and have a trusted person watch her while this is going on? It's best if the little ones aren't there during this discussion, and if your WW decides to leave in a huff, you don't want her to take your DD.
7. Be ready to expose this A - and I mean blow it wide open to everyone. Do they work together? Be ready to expose it to their employer. We'll tell you how to do that. DO NOT TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR, NOT EVEN AS A THREAT OR AN ULTIMATUM.
8. Can you get a tape recorder into the room you'll be in so you can record the conversation? You may need it.

You can do this, jg.

also:

Igrip,

I am so sorry for the shock and pain that you must be feeling right now. It has been almost three years since our D-Day and I will never forget how it felt.

You are blessed to have found MB before you even discovered the A and you sre blessed to have some of MB's best poster's to walk you through this today. Please listen to them. We have been through hundreds of affairs and they are all basically the same. That is why Mr W knew immediately that that was what you were dealing with.

You are with friends who have all weathered the devastation of an A in one way or another. You are on my MB prayer list.

God's Blessings,

Say

I agree..

"demand" she end the affair. It's important to do so. To make it absolutely clear you are not ok with this and hope she acquiesces. You state this matter a factly. There is no negotiation of the boundary. You demand it.

Just don't be surprised when she disregards your demand.

She may say "or what"...

Well...your "or what" is that you refuse to remain long in a loveless marriage. The "remain long" part is key because you aren't stating a consequence you'll look weak if you don't follow up upon right way. If you say..."or I'll divorce you tomorrow"....she'll say...go ahead and if you don't, your strength is compromised.

In the alternative...you say "I'm still figuring out the "or what" but I demand it nonetheless. Your affair is OVER and I'll help you write him an email ending it"

When she yells at you for being "controlling" (which is the next thing all ww's say)....you just state...what am I supposed to say "go ahead and date OM". I refuse to be an active participant in the destruction of my family, myself and ultimately YOU.

You "demand" it because you love her and hate to see her destroying herself. You are doing or "controlling" anything. You are actually BEING CONTROLLED and MANIPULATED by her entitled adulterous behavior.

Again...CALMLY. Talk slowly and thoughtfully. You don't have to convince HER about what she is doing...SHE KNOWS and SHE KNOWS it's wrong.

Mr. W

Ig:

Call the OM up just before your WW gets home.

Ask him:

What are your intentions with my WIFE?
I have been married to her for X years, and have known her for Y Years, you too, shall pass from her life. I'm in it for the long run.
This ain't no "Fantasy". I'm going to fight for my wife, and my family.
She isn't going anywhere this weekend.

You don't really have to listen to any of his answers. Time for you to mark your territory, so to speak. He may drop your WW faster than the time it takes to hang up the phone.

And then deal with your WW when she gets home.

Her line is first, your response is second:

She will tell you that "we were just friends" Friends don't send nude pictures to each other
She will tell you that you have no proof. Which email copy do you want as proof?
I can't believe you invaded my privacy! I can't beleive that you allowed another man into your home, and exposed this predator to your daughter.
This marriage was over years ago! I still see the ring on your finger, and I have seen the inside of a divorce court, so this marriage, is alive and kicking.
I'm still going to see with this weekend! You can go, but you ARE NOT taking DD. You don't have to come back. You can do anything you want. But you are no longer doing these things behand my back, or with my consent.

Then call your MIL/FIL/ others that can help you break up the affair like has been posted to you already.

This is slightly different order than proposed, but with your WW going away for the Weekend, (Mothers day weekend too!) you need to toast the OM.

Also, get your daughter DNA tested.

Sorry you have to be here.

LG

Sorry, igrip. Know how you feel.

Try to stay calm. Try not to act on emotion. Avoid alcohol.

Hi igrip,

My situation is a little different but just simply in terms of the confrontation could I offer some advice? I had to confront my wife late Jan. about her affair. I was angy and emotional at the time and I delayed it for a day and then I thought about how I had to confront others. Have you ever been a supervisor how has had to warn or even terminate one of your employees? I used that mindset to confront my wife, altho she had confessed to me that she was "seeing someone".

I did that because it helped me deal with my emotions and her outburst and helped me get thru it without making matters worse. This is obviously not at all like reprimanding or terminating an emplyee, but here is what helped me:

1. Present the purpose for this talk and your facts - the affair, your love for her, and your desire to restore your marriage.

2. Present your evidence briefly.

3. Present your conditions for you staying in your marriage - affair Must end, NC, her willingness to work with You on restoring your marriage.

4. Imho, the above should take no longer than twenty minutes.

5. No threats - i.e, divorce, etc. etc.

6. This is not time to accept her excuses, her rants, or even her reasons. There will be plenty of time for that. This is Not like firing an employee, but this is the time for you to inform her of your decision as to how you are standing up for her, you, your marriage and your daughter. She Must know you are firm in that.

Just my thoughts from mentally how I approached this.

Thanks,

Tom

igrip,

By the way, reading your posts you have gotten so much advice here. You will get alot more.

MrW's and maritalliss advice especially, but all others' too. Look at mb advise again about someone looking after your daugher while you go thru the next few days.

Tom

This is from your first post:



Makes sense NOW...don't it?

You didn't really "understand" anything and it frustrated her to no end to have you sitting there acting like you knew what the problem was and how to fix it when the REAL problem all along was she thinks she's "in love" with someone else and REALLY just wants you to leave her alone so she could go about her addiction to OM for just another day (and another day after that and another day after that and another day after that as addicts strictly live for the moment and have difficultly changing until the high is outweighted by the pain of severe intervention/consequences).

By exposing the affair...you reduce the high she is able to obtain from contact (because affairs thrive on the excitement of forbidenness and secrecy) Plus you increase the pain. It's the only real weapon you've got to bust up the affair. After that it's often just a wait and watch the affair crumble over time.

Mr. Wondering