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Well I did it tonight.
Just as she was pulling up into the driveway, I called the other man and told him that I used to respect him, don't know what his intentions were with my wife but that I was not intending to let him get in the way of my marriage. Stay away from my daughter and keep your hands and emotions away from my wife. And I hung up.
I then gave my wife and few copies of her emails in her hand..told her I knew what was going on and I wanted her to stop all contact with him. Plus that I was not going to allow my daughter any contact with him anymore.
She was busted. We've been talking for a few hours now. She said "ok" when I asked her to not contact him anymore. But here is the thing...she really feels this guy. I told her how this relationship is toxic..it started on a lie and that he is only after his only selfish wants. This all makes sense to me.
What is the next step? What to expect? What to do?
Thank you everyone for your help here...until I told her, my heart had not stopped pounding all day.
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Great job! I know it was hard and I'm really proud of you.
Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04
DD11
DD8
DS3
In a big ol mess...
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Oh and I told her mom (as she lives right behind us and takes care of the baby). Plus I told her sister and spouse. And our close friend. She was most upset (textbook actually - "well now there is no chance of this working" at me telling her mom.
I informed her that I did it for two reasons. One, that she did this and if she did not want her mom to be disappointed, she should not have done that. And second, that since she was planning on bringing our baby to another man's house for the weekend, I needed a strong ally here to further ensure that was not going to happen.
She is sad for him. Understandable (I don't care though- he brought this on himself). Kind of like a high school girl whose parents tell her she cannot see this boy. That is my analogy. I'm not sure what to do...to let her give him one more message and apologize, etc....or just stand tough. I don't want to 'drive her" into his arms with whatever I do.
I like the fact that I did tell family and friends. There is no way that man is going to be welcome in her family I think. That takes a bit of this 'romance' away right? This is a fairy tale she is living I think. Am I right? I always second guess myself.
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Good job. Now you expose and Plan A to your best ability. Be strong. You can do this. You are not alone.
-SOL
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You're exactly right that it was a fairy tale and you blew that out of the water. That should make it less appealing.
Also, you didn't drive her into that man's arms. Her crappy boundaries did. Nothing worse can happen now, right? So expose away!
Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04
DD11
DD8
DS3
In a big ol mess...
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You're exactly right that it was a fairy tale and you blew that out of the water. That should make it less appealing.
Also, you didn't drive her into that man's arms. Her crappy boundaries did. Nothing worse can happen now, right? So expose away! Exactly igrip, Expose away! Ask for help for your marriage and your child's family unit to stay together. She is playing along right now sadly. She has no intentions of giving him up based on your conversation of this evening. Stand strong and know you have some rough seas ahead of you. You done good! SWW
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Great job!!! You are doing everything right!
Yes, it is a fairy tale she's been living....one based on lies and deceit and betrayal and one that really has no chance for a 'happily ever after' ending.
Yes, she will probably act like a love-sick puppy wanting to be with him (she's addicted to him and she will very likely continue to lie and do whatever she can to see him). DO NOT give her your OK to go see him again. She can write him a no contact letter, but there is absolutely NO reason for her to see him in person to end things.
Remember, waywards lie so you must take everything she says right now with a grain of salt. Keep checking up on her and keep up with Plan A.
And it's wonderful that you have her mom backing you up! That's powerful! Is there anyone from OM's side that you can expose to?
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Also,
Expect her to possibly say she needs to go see him this weekend to have "closure."
You cant physically stop her of course, but do demand she not go, and like Mr W said talk about how you won't stand to remain for too long in this type of marriage. If she goes, on top of your other exposure, tell everyone she is going and you would like their help convincing her to not go.
This is not closure, this is romantic fog feeding the addiction for sex and nothing else.
SWW
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So, if she does not give him up, I cannot do anything can I? I told her that she can do what she wants, but no longer will it be behind my back. The well-being of my family comes first.
She is sad right now. What will tonight, tomorrow, next week bring...Yes, I understand she may not want me still (although I still think that only because he was around...I had not jumped ship, yet my boots were already being filled) so she has had no reason to 'get help' or improve things with me. I told her if she would have done 1/3 of the things she did with him (sending pictures, etc) that it would have done WONDERS for our marriage.
I feel better, but always feel better knowing what 'could' happen next.
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She was busted. We've been talking for a few hours now. She said "ok" when I asked her to not contact him anymore. But here is the thing...she really feels this guy. I told her how this relationship is toxic..it started on a lie and that he is only after his only selfish wants. This all makes sense to me. Good job, igrip! I have to warn you, though, that they will likely try and contact each other again. just be prepared and snoop like a bloodhound so you can stop them. The first step is for her to send a no contact letter to the OM that is written together and sent by you. Secondly, she must open up her life to you and become completely transparent. She must give you all passwords, and perhaps exchange cell phones. In order to rebuild trust she should answer all of your questions about her affair until you are satisified. Once your marriage has been affair proofed, you will want to recover your marriage by creating a romantic relationship. The FASTEST way to do this is to spend 20+ hours a week together meeting these top 4 needs: sexual fulfillment, conversation, affection and recreational companionship. This will have the greatest impact on your marriage. Please follow these suggestions to the letter: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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igrip- One thing that you CAN do is to realize and accept that you can't make your WW do anything. You are powerless over her actions. Focus on the things that you CAN control, such as your own actions and behaviors.
You can continue to read and learn from this site.
You can expose.
You can Plan A.
You can remain calm, confident, and consistent.
You can work on yourself. Make improvements to any habbits or behaviors pre-A.
I know all too well how hard it is. Try to stay out of her head. Don't trust what she says, but rather focus on what she does. You are in for a rough ride my friend, but you CAN do this.
-SOL
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I'm not sure what to do...to let her give him one more message and apologize, etc....or just stand tough. I don't want to 'drive her" into his arms with whatever I do. Here is how it should end. She should NOT send any apology to that VERMIN. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So, if she does not give him up, I cannot do anything can I? I told her that she can do what she wants, but no longer will it be behind my back. igrip, that is not the message you want to send. It is NOT OK for her conduct her adultery and stay married to you. Tell her this. Tell you will NOT tolerate her adultery and DEMAND that she stop. It is not the doing it behind your back that is the problem, but doing it AT ALL.. Great job exposing to the family!  Will they have a word with her? Does she know you told them all?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Expect her to possibly say she needs to go see him this weekend to have "closure." SWW is right. "Closure" is really closure SEX that is condoned by the gullible BS who believes the WS is really saying goodbye. It is nothing but a cover for another sexual tryst. Don't fall for that one! Please stick to the no contact letter as outlined by Dr Harley.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you ..this all makes sense. Depending on what happens next, rebuilding my trust will be another next step. I've always feared (out lout in fact) of becoming the 'chump' and guess what, I've just become one.
I will be ordering the book tonight. And following the steps given to me here. Again, thank you thank you thank you.
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Thank you ..this all makes sense. Depending on what happens next, rebuilding my trust will be another next step. I've always feared (out lout in fact) of becoming the 'chump' and guess what, I've just become one.
I will be ordering the book tonight. And following the steps given to me here. Again, thank you thank you thank you. You are NOT a chump! The mere fact that you are taking action to save your marriage despite your fears and misgivings proves that you are a man of honor. Be proud of yourself, thank GOD and ask him to guide you through this difficult time. We are here for you! SWW
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I agree with SWW, you are definately NOT a chump.
A chump would stick his head in the sand and do nothing while his WW continued her affair and his marriage fell apart.
A chump would not have the wisdom and the you-know-whats to seek out the very best help available and then actually proceed to FIGHT for his marriage like you are doing right now.
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Thank you ..this all makes sense. Depending on what happens next, rebuilding my trust will be another next step. I've always feared (out lout in fact) of becoming the 'chump' and guess what, I've just become one.
I will be ordering the book tonight. And following the steps given to me here. Again, thank you thank you thank you. You are not a chump. You just need to continue to take charge. Lead the way for your WW. She will not give up OM easily. She will try to find ways to keep sneaking around. Get her closely monitored. Monitor her cell phone. Get spying software on your computer. Put GPS on her car. Block OM on your phone lines. Delete her affair email account. Delete his contact info on her cell phone (most people don't actually know other people's phone numbers anymore). Make sure to delete it on the missed, received, and made calls as well as the texts so she can't find it. Block OM on the other email account. Cut off access to OM. Right now your WW is addicted to OM. It's like she's a falling down drunk. Don't let her sneak a drink. Lock up the booze and deny her access to it. She'll complain, but you need to get her over the addiction and through withdrawal. It's going to be crappy for the next few months, but if you can get her through withdrawal without contacting the OM, she will start working on the M with you.
Last edited by jmwc95; 05/05/10 10:28 PM.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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IG,
You have done it all right so far.
She must write and mail OM a "NC-for-life letter" you pre-approve of.
Now, expose everything to everybody, esp. OM's contacts.
Snoop like a bloodhound on her.
Don't believe her for one second when/if she says "it's over".
Bust her if she commits even the tiniest violation of NC with OM.
Plan A (the 'carrot') your butt off while you are maintaining vigilance & surveillance.
Ride out her addiction-withdrawal from OM.
You 2 will recover a better marriage if you do this and she stays with NC--guaranteed.
Strong work and God Bless
xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Don't fall for any request for "closure!" The *only* contact from here on out is ONE LETTER, written by her, approved by you, and put in the mail by you (so you know it was actually mailed). This letter is a "No Contact" (NC) letter. It is her telling him there will be no more contact between them again, ever.
You asked what you can do if she refuses. There is a definite plan for such a situation! It is called Plan A, for a certain amount of time (not indefinitely), followed by Plan B if she still refuses to go NC.
It is totally awesome that you have the support of her mom.
It hadn't struck me that this is Mother's Day weekend. It's great that your MIL is going to support your stand to not allow your wife to take your DD with her to see OM.
You handled this GREAT.
Your description of her seeming like a teenage girl is spot on. Brain flooded with hormones leading to irrational and addictive behavior.
p.s. - Do NOT tell her about this website!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to be able to get advice here. Advice about snooping is useless if she knows about it. Advice about how to implement Plan A might cause her to doubt your sincerity (are you just acting). Advice about Plan B is less effective if she is forewarned. You get the picture.
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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