You don't negotiate with terrorists, and you don't negotiate with a WW either. Quit telling her about marriage builders. Trying to educate a WS is a love buster. You don't get it. WSs cannot be reasoned with. You need to kill the affair first, then you can reason with her once she has gotten through the withdrawal of her addiciton. Sure she'll say that she won't forgive you if you tell OM's command. That would kill her affair for good. She doesn't want that. She wants to be able to keep her options open. Quit telling her about the advice you are getting on here. She will only use it against you. If you expose to OM's CoC, you will alienate your WW - for about 3 weeks. After she gets through the worst of withdrawal, she's going to want some man meet her needs, and she's going to gravitate toward the father of her child. You need to understand, she's not your wife anymore. She's an addict, incapable of making rational decisions. You need to help make those decisions for her if you want to protect your family.

Here are my thoughts. You can either:

1) Not expose to OM's CoC, he continues to contact your WW, you get divorced, then it's legal for him to be with your WW, and he's raising your child.

2) Expose to OM's CoC, your WW is pissed for a month, and then after withdrawal is complete, you use the MB principles to recover your marriage, and YOU raise your child.

And you can't push someone into someone else's arms when that someone else has been given a DIRECT ORDER not to contact your WW or it will be the end of his military career.

UPDATE

I took the first step for exposure today. I told her friend that she was "staying at" when she cheated about the affair. She was shocked. She asked me what I felt she should do with the information. I didnt have the answer.

When I contact people what SHOULD I say? I told her it wasnt about punishment. It was about exposing it to the light.

I also contacted my lawyer and said I didnt want a divorce. She said I could see her but not to stay overnight and sleep in the same bed.

Is that acceptable in the MB way? Honestly I expect her to freak out when she finds out the exposure.

Her friend said I was maybe doing the wrong thing informing her friends since my wife is such a private person naturally. Am I?


I spent last night with her. We talked about the relationship. Should I do that? She hasnt committed to NC yet.

What should I do in the house with her? we had a nice dinner last night and spent time with the baby. Its very emotionally draining though.

If I get too drained do I back off a bit?

1) Expose to EVERYONE right now. Not one person at a time here and there. If you do that it will lose its effect. Say that your WW is having an affair. You would like to save your marriage and you would appreciate their support in helping you do that. Others here will be able to say it better.

2) Are you doing Plan A? Not staying overnight and not staying in the same bed is ok, even in Plan A I believe as long as you are just putting your best foot forward. Again, others here can help more on that.

2) You shouldn't get into deep conversations about the relationship right now. Just insist she implement NC asap and continue your best Plan A.

Good luck! Sorry I can't help more.

I'm not a legal whizz by any means, but I'm pretty sure that having sex again is viewed as implied forgiveness in some states. I would definitely follow your lawyer's advice on that one.

You are in the process of "Exposure Lite", trickling the exposure out here and there. This will NOT be an effective exposure and may well backfire on you. The exposure has to be done to all contacts, all at once, as a tsunami.

Get your list together now. Who can exert pressure on your WW and her OM to end this A? His CO, his family, your family, hers, all of her friends, FB friends of both of them.

Do not trickle this out, YEG. Your WW can be as private a person as she wants, but committing adultery isn't the act of a private person. Privacy is for when you go to the bathroom. SECRECY is what she is involved in, deceptive, cruel, marriage-threatening SECRECY.

I'm not sure where your attorney is coming from. Have you talked to other attorneys? The last thing I would consider would be leaving my unfaithful spouse.

Dealing with an A is emotionally draining, with her or without her. It's going to require some strength, YEG. Muscle up and prepare to save your M.

Hi YEG - She obviously wasn't worried about alienating YOU forever by sleeping with the OM. Why are you protecting her "honor" and the OM???



Sure it can hurt! She will have time to warn the OM, and possibly even his command... OM-"You see commander, there's this crazy guy, and he's been stalking me for over a year. He's probably going to give you a call and tell you that I've been having an affair with his wife..." or OM to his wife-"Yeah, you know YEG, he's gone off the deep end! He actually thinks that I've been having an affair with his wife... I can't believe it... I feel so sorry for YEGand his wife."



Want to be me $100.00 that her answer will be *** NO! *** ?



YEG - She's ALREADY away from you.... she's been with the OM and she misses HIM. You're getting great advice from people who have been where you are... Those of us that have been around here have seen this very same situation over and over and over. You can take the advice given you, and form a plan and act, or you can pick bits and pieces of the advice that you like, but I can assure you that it won't be nearly as successful.

I know that this is hard, but if you want to save your M, you need to expose it and have your W cut off all contact with the OM forever.

Semper Fi,

RIF

When you expose, you need to let the people know that you are willing to save your marriage. That you know that there will be no possibility in that if the OM is still in the picture. You ask them for their advice and help. Let them know that they need to speak to your WW and let her know how they feel about the affair.

You need to do this in a NUCLEAR way.

Your Dear Wife is GONE. You have a WAYWARD wife. She looks like your dear wife but she is a LIAR. You need to do what you can to protect yourself from this enemy to your marriage.

Thank you all for the support. I would have been so clueless without yall.


ironically im in the nuclear community.


Ive disabled the forums on the router at the house now. So i feel fairly safe posting here now after telling her.

I was a coward and was afraid to do it myself. My best friend at work contacted the command for me when he saw the pain I was going though Did I screw up?

He contacted his first sargeant. I belive this is the air force equivalent of the command master chief in navy terms. he informed him that the OM was having an affair with a married woman for over a year. He offered to provide the private eye report and phone records.

The First Sargeant was SHOCKED at the allegations. Apparently OM is a model airman. He committed to contacting him in the next day or so and responding back. I will be sure to follow up and if I dont recieve a response in the next day or so im going to contact the IGs office as reccomended.

Im not spiteful but im coming to realise he needs to be held responsible for his actions. Hopefully this will scare him off. They have known each other for a long time and were ex fiances at one time. Im hoping he wont sacrifice his career for her. WS claims OM never asked WS to leave me for him. Is that important or is that just trying to protect him?


Ive got my copy of SAA and im implementing plan A with no reservations. Im exposing her to everyone.

Im contacting all her friends that I can find including the ones she claims to have talked too.

Im studying the website and book like it was the bible. Im trusting the MB way and God to help me through this.


Honesty time though. Im scared to death. Im afraid of this. I felt that she was about ready to swear NC and I may alienate her forever. Im trusting the process and Im doing it anyways but im afraid of whats going to happen when she finds out.


Im no longer informing her about this website. Im trying to correct my past mistakes handling this.

Questions

I asked her if she wants to watch a movie with me today. This is one of the EN I wasnt meeting before. Is this a wrong move?

Im afraid of trying TOO hard and smothering her. She agreed to watch it with me. Is this a trap?


I also asked her if she wanted to go out of town the weekend. Just a small trip to a city about an hour away to shop for the childs Bday. She also agreed with this.

Is this a mistake?

im trying so hard to fight now. Im calculating and orchastrating all the contact I do with her now.

Thanks for the guidance. I need the help.

I don't think asking her to watch a movie and go on a trip was a mistake at all. BUT does she realize you've exposed her yet? And that you called the OM's command? Just be prepared that she may change her answers when she finds all that out.

Boy, you are all out of sorts. Calm down. Take a deep breath. She won't recommit to the marriage for probably at least six months, so you will completely wear yourself out over this if you don't know how to manage your stress. If you need it, you might want to take some anti-depressants to help get you through this. I know I needed some back when I was in your situation.

I'm glad your friend did what you weren't able to do. (It also has the added benefit of her not being able to blame you.) I would follow up with OM's chain of command and give them your evidence just to make sure this isn't just swept under the rug.


No, you are meeting her need of recreational companionship. Now, it isn't the best thing to reconnect because you are going to spend 2 hours not talking to each other, but if she likes movies, then this is a good thing.


Put on a good face. If she acts like you are smothering her, cool it for a little bit. It's a complicated dance. You'll know when she's agreeable to spending time with you and when she isn't. Paranoid? How could it be a trap?


No. Why would it be. When you are hanging out with her, just keep the conversation light. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. Even if she starts it (she may try to bait you into a fight). Talk about current events, joke around, just be charming and humorous.

You'll do fine. Just keep coming back here when you need us.

Ditto to that. Once she finds you have (or you friend has) exposed to OM's command, she'll be pretty awful to you for about 2-3 weeks. Just expect it, and prepare to deal with it. Don't get baited into any fights. Let her vent and walk away. Do not try to explain. No explanation is going to be good enough. She'll get it out of her system in a few weeks. In the meantime lay low and avoid lovebusting.

Read up on all the basic concepts, articles and Q&A columns at the top of the page, and get a good idea on her ENs and your LBs. Work to get that straightened out for a very good plan A. Learn to show discipline and control yourself during her outbursts.

Where you going this weekend? Charleston? I lived in Florence, South Cakalaki in 2002-2005.

No she doesn't. The OM work hammer most likely wont fall until sunday or monday. Im sure i will know exactly when it happens though.



We are heading to Charlotte NC. OM is actually at Shaw AFB. I think hes in intellegence (no pun intended)



I have been on anti depressants for a while. Physically I feel better than I have in years though. The 3 day D Day unplanned fast cleansed my system and ive been eatting healthy since then since I can only handle lite fresh foods ATM.

Im trying to not get worked up. I just didnt realize how much I loved my wife till i found out. I realized that I had been neglecting her for years. There is alot of guilt I have for that on my side.

Im worried about the OM since they have been close for so long. They were engaged at one time. In retrospect I was the OM back then. I was providing for her EN. They had their own problems but I drove a stake in their relationship as well.

I think that is partially why he had the affair with her. He feels I ruined their engagement. They werent married though and they have no kids. They were engaged for maybe a year and it was already on the rocks when I entered the picture.

Weve been married for 7 years. i fear him and what he is doing for to me and my family. Now I find out she has been having an EA on and off with OM for almost 4 years. Im afraid I wont be able to beat him

Do you watch The Office? Here is a quote for you: "BFD, it's not married." Sure, in retrospect it might not have been a good idea to get involved with a woman who was engaged because that shows a willingness to jump from one relationship to the next, but the past is the past, and she wasn't married.


Guess what? You have the LAW on your side. I'm sure he does not want to ruin his military career and leave with nothing but a dishonorable discharge. Now, I would defer to RIF on this, he's done some adultery investigations in his time, but as long as he isn't booted out of the military, I don't think you'll have to worry about him again because he'll fear the consequences of contacting your WW again. He's the one that will need to be afraid of YOU. Hopefully, RIF will post on here with more detail later. He's currently in Iraq, so it's probably midnight over there now. He usually posts from 11pm-3pm. He can guide you through this process to make sure you don't have to worry about OM again.

YEG, watch my virtual lips: NUCLEUR EXPOSURE!!!! You are Exposing Lite!!! Hit everyone NOW! OM is going to go to your WW as soon as he's approached by his CO. They will know what you are doing and they will proceed with damage control.



Sure, take her out of town. Then tell her EVERYONE IN THE FREE WORLD KNOWS. Let her blow her stack.

Stop reacting in FEAR, YEG! Did you not read my story?????

I don't get it. BHs lately seem to be folding like paper in front of their WWs.

EXPOSE. NUCLEAR. EVERYONE! NOW!

YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE HER ANGER BUT NOT HER AFFAIR!

It's not just the BHs it's all the BSs and it is frustrating. Sorry Yeg. Listen to BLISS.

Noone who posts on here regrets exposing. The only thing regretted is not exposing, exposing too slowly or not exposing enough. We have enough of those people on here. So EXPOSE already. DO IT.

Why do you ask if you 'screwed up' by letting his command know about the affair, when this is what we were trying to get you to do yourself?

The cat is out of the bag so to speak now. Complete the exposure tonight. It is far more effective if you tell everyone as soon as possible. Your WW will be furious, but it is better to have her angry initially, instead of drawn out over time. Trust me on this one.

I know it is scary. I was scared too. It's time to get over your fears and 'man up' for your marriage.

What advice would you give to a friend in the exact same position that you are currently in? Well, we are your friends and we are giving you some solid advice here, backed up by many who have used this MB principles and come out the other end in much better shape (some recovered, some not).

Ive gone Nuclear as yall are speaking now. Im taking your advice.

I KNOW the following people know. Either by telling them myself or witnessing her tell them.

-Her mom and dad.
-Her sister
-People close friends at church.
-ALL her friends but 2 (I dont have their home numbers and couldnt reach them at work.) I WILL contact them ASAP
-Her old job the WW just got fired from
-OM parents
-OM military command

Her father appears vehemently on my side. (I know cant quite trust him) and when I mentioned that getting OM to stop contact was key he said "dont even wanna know what im doing"

I am 90% sure she got the first calls tonite. We spent the afternoon together. While together WW got a few texts from her friends but didnt call them back. When i called back later WW was very short.

BS- How are You?
WW-Fine
BS How was your night?
WW Fine
BS I am looking forward to the trip tommorow.
WW (just muttered)

This is her natural reaction to trouble. She clams up. Weird thing was that she still agreed to go with me. Not sure why?

The storm is brew. Hopefully we can have a good day before it goes to poop.

Ill be honest the last few days I feel like a man. Standing up and being proud. Not a lapdog begging for scraps. I feel really proud for standing up for my marriage.

OMG I'm so happy for and proud of you! Good job and congrats!