Ok, I knew this would not be easy. I felt better when I confronted her. Really I did. Then the night comes, I go to my empty bed and I feel anxious again. We talked tonight again. She says 'our marriage died a long time ago.' She believes it. I tell her I want to work on us. I think we can. I think it will be hard, but it is worth it to me. She is not there yet on the same page.

She has not yet agreed to stop talking to the other......she likes talking to him. I told her that I wanted her to cut off all communication...not agreed yet. I don't have leverage here..not like I am going to file for divorce. I don't want that. She says she does, but has not filed yet (spoke to an attorney, but nothing done yet). I don't want to push her towards that..not that I am, but I don't want that.

I just can't sleep. Like I told her, I am alone. She has him to 'lean on' and he has been telling her everything she needs to hear. She said she was alone for a long time before. I disagreed with her. I told her I never took off my ring, slept in the other room, took off for a day or two, didn't come home, didn't tell her where I was, didn't give her a hug or a kiss...so I don't buy that for a minute. THIS is alone...I've lost my best friend, companion and wife at the time being. Sure, I've got friends...but not the same.

She is NOT going to visit him over the weekend so that is one disaster avoided. Her decision there. She claims before I told her, but how can I believe anything anymore.

Plus, I can't sleep and relax. Whew......what an earful. Sorry everyone.

Hi Igrip,

Morning, you did great. Now is the time for Plan A accompanied by serious snooping because she is going to still try to be in contact with him and as long as she is she will never recommit to your marriage.

Do NOT obsess about her saying "the marriage was dead a long time ago; I was going to file for D; this is really all your fault blah blah blah."

Now the hard work start where you have to take the lead even though you like all of us probably are thinking, "she is the one that cheated and I have to be the one to make the effort?"

Dont take too much comfort in the fact that she agreed not to see him this weekend. She will be pining for him all weekend and be miserable to be around. She will probably be sneaking around texting him and be angry with you. No relationship talk, as hard as that sounds. Just be cheerful and the best igrip husband you can be.

The No Contact letter is a must.

Everything is going to be alright, no matter what ultimately happens. Remember you can only control how you act and react during this terrible time.

SWW

Heck, yeah - she can give him one more message. It's called a No Contact letter. I know someone posted one yesterday for another poster - let me see if I can find it. She writes it, you approve of it and mail it YOURSELF.

No last physical meetings. She's all done with POSOM.



Yep. You've exposed this to the harsh light of day.

Hey, jg - ya done good!

Waywards spew all kinds of crap, jg. Tell you what - I'm going to give you an assignment: I want you to go over to karmasrose's thread called 'wayward phrases'. This will give you a little intro to the crap she's going to spew while going through withdrawal.

Also, check out the 'reverse babble' thread in Notable Posts. That will help you formulate your responses to neutralize the fertilizer she'll be spreading.

Okay, time to get OM to dump her. Make his life hell until he stops contacting your WW. Expose to all his family and friends. Get a PI to get his family's contact info if necessary. Now_what got all the info he needed for only $55. The affair is what is killing your marriage, so you need to do everything you can to kill the affair. It's full court press time on the affair. Block his phone number and email. Make it no longer worth her while to contact him. And re-expose to her family that she's going to continue talking with him (we all know where that is headed).

In the meantime, avoid all relationship talk. You stated your goal and intentions. You don't need to repeat yourself. Other than coming down with the hammer for exposure and enforcing your marital boundaries of no contacting the OM, work a good plan A. Try to engage her in non-relationship talk. Really help around the house with cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kid, etc. Be the best H that you can be.

Hang in there, igrip. The lack of sleep and stress is par for the course with this...it's a bumpy ride so hold on tight, but remember that you CAN and WILL get through this.

Whenever it gets to be too much to see your WW pining over another man, just start thinking of her as a drug addict jonesing for her drug- she thinks that drug (OM) is the best thing in the world for her, but you know (and one day after withdrawal, she will too) that it's horrible for her and the best choice she has is to make a clean break away from it forever.

Please keep up the heat on this by exposing more, especially to OM's family and friends. How do they know each other? This isn't a work-related thing, is it? If it is, you must expose at work, too.

This is just fogbabble. This is the falling down drunk making rationalizations for her drunk driving. She will sound like this until her affair is killed and she is through withdrawal. Don't let it concern you.


Yes, you do have leverage, you are her husband. ARe you saying you won't file for divorce if she has a lover? EVER? Continue to expose the affair, igrip, and make it so hard for her to carry on her affair that he will dump her. Expose on his facebook page, call his parents, go confront him. Get her parents help in stopping this affair. Ask them to call him too.

Your job is to cause as much conflict in the affair as possible. And whatever you do, don't allow her to carry on her affair from your home. That is utter disrespect to you and your child. Make her take her affair conversations out of your home. She should not be communicating over a computer or phone in your home.

What does this bum do for a living?

I would also suggest you call him back and get his perspective and compare notes. You missed a great opportunity by hanging up on him. Call him back and tell him that HELL IS COMING. Tell him you will be fighting for your family and will not be rolling over easy. And wait to get his reaction.

Ok, emailed another close friend this morning...of him mainly and let him know. Will see what that does as I have not heard from the friend...and this is an Iphone world, they all have instant access.

I did read the wayward phrases. Thank you.

Here is another question. I like all this advice. But, does it work? Really? To 'most' people on here, this has worked and is sound right? Not to sound doubtful, but I am sure everyone has been here and I think about all these things.....marriages have come around better when these techniques have been used?

These techniques are BEST PRACTICES used by those of us who have saved our marriages. There are no guarantees, but these give you the BEST CHANCE. The ones who stand up to the affair and cause as much conflict as possible are the ones who save their marriages.

Exposure and "causing as much conflict as possible" in the affair is from Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders.

Exposure

igrip, are there any other close family members or friends that do not know? If so, I would expose to them TODAY. Be thorough and get it all done in one fell swoop. This way, you get a tsunami effect that makes it hard for them to get back up. Its important to get it all done now so you can focus on other things.

And I would strongly suggest you expose to the OM's facebook friends. This is a powerful exposure because it is a collection of his closest friends and family. In such an exposure, you would send a private email to all of his facebook friends that goes something like this:

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

igrip,

You ask does the MB's method work? The truth is you are facing a long, uphill fight, especially as withdrawn as you wife is. It will get worse before it gets better. There are no guarantees and there are far more failed marriages than success stories, even using these methods. Your odds will improve greatly if you can get your wife on board with MB.

But, we all truly believe that MB is the BEST path and your greatest chance for success. And, even if you can't recover your marriage, YOU will be better for it.

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself. You are facing a LONG battle that's often compared to a rollercoaster ride. We've all been there, can't sleep, no appetite, weight loss, anxiety and rapid heartbeat, stress beyond belief. Try to eat right, sleep when you can, and exercise. If you exercise regularly, don't let it go now. If you don't, now is a good time to start. Dr. Harley also believes that antidepressants can be of help. It is something to consider.

Apologize? To the OM???

For what...sending a NC letter asking OM to no longer take part in this little charade of theirs that is, ultimately, hurting/destroying other people (not to mention a marriage)?

Yeah, right, he sure needs an apology for "that"...NOT!

Hell "NO," that sh*t-disturber deserves nothing even close to an apology so don't even consider it!

As for "driving her" into his arms with whatever it is you do; "what difference does it make...she's ALREADY there?!" Time to focus on getting her out of them and keeping her out of them.

No apology letter whatsoever, just a straight up "NO CONTACT" letter, written by your W and then approved and sent by YOU...period.

As others have said, there are no guarantees but, even so, the MB methods are the best chance you have so why not give them a try? On the other hand, if you were to forego the MB methods and go in a different direction altogether, let me ask you..."what exactly WOULD you do and would you be guaranteed success then?" There are no guarantees ANY WAY you go so why not go with the one where you stand the best chance?

Yep, you are absolutely right, Facebook is one of the best "tools" to expose through; almost everyone can be found on it and, because of "friends lists," anyone that is associated with "so-and-so" can usually be found combined all together in one neat little place making it easy to find "who" to send exposure letters to.

Do you and/or your W have facebook accounts, igrip? If so, exposure through there is pretty much key. In addition, if you need help in that area (getting exposure letters out) don't be afraid to say so.

Very true! However, not just yet, igrip, you don't want your W to know about this place until (and unless) it's a good time to do so.

And on an end note, I just want to say; "WOW, you sure are doing great, igrip, keep up the good work!"

Emailed two other friends of his just now. I do not have a facebook, so no, that won't work for me.

Talked to another of his good friends just this morning. He has been married twice in his life. Both ended in divorce with the last one 'running out of the marriage' soon after the vows (less than two years). The friend feels as if there was something to that story, so he is trying to contact her today (if she responds) to get some answers as he thought she was a level headed woman that was in it for the long haul.

I am still sick inside. But thanks all.

Set up an account. It's simple and takes very little time.

igrip, I have just started reading through your thread. I am so sorry you find yourself here, you have my sympathy.
Another MB person mentioned that you are facing an uphill battle and that it will get worse before it gets better - be prepared.
I understand the sadness, sick feeling, and anxious you are now feeling since finding out.
Go to the doctor and get on antidepressants and probably something to help you sleep. I do not believe in taking prescription meds for no reason and they have helped me tremendously.
Also be prepared for the fallout of exposure, the WS can become very ugly. I also had a hard time dealing with the deception and lies. For right now it is hard to trust anything the WS says.
Listen to the people on this board, read as much information as you can, and if you can afford it - set up a counseling session with MB's.
Again I am so sorry that you find yourself here, good luck, and listen to the veterans on this site. They know what they are talking about. Above all protect and love your precious little girl.

Okay, so you don't have an account (yet) but do you know if your W does? How about the OM??

You asked if this stuff really works. It does. I've seen it. Nothing is going to be 100% guaranteed to work, but this has a pretty good track record. There is a thread somewhere for success stories. I'll see if I can find it, or maybe someone else will.

The best success story that I've personally witnessed is lildoggie's ( Here is her original main thread. ). She did a TOTALLY AWESOME Plan A.

Plan A: As others have mentioned, you are to fight the affair, try to kill the affair, with whatever ammo you have. But Plan A also includes you showing your W how great your M could be. It isn't fair, since she's the one who's "done wrong", but if you want to save your M *you* need to do the heavy lifting for now.

Read about Plan A. That is your life for now.


Yes, you are doing great in believing that you can work on this, and that it is worth it to you. That's great! When she says things like "our M died a long time ago", realize this is "fogbabble" and "rewriting history". BUT it doesn't serve your purpose to "accuse" her of those things! Just be careful in how you react to her fogbabble - minimizing her concerns, telling her that she's wrong when she shares her feelings, is an LB. She may be giving you important information that you can use, too.


I wouldn't tell her she is wrong when she says she felt alone. That is important information. It doesn't do you any good to tell her "You're wrong about feeling alone! You can't have felt alone!" That is NOT Plan A.

It may feel good to release your anger about her affair, but you have a war to win. Not just one battle.

Do you know what sorts of things she used to complain about? Do you know what her ENs and LBs are? Are you working on a plan to show her that *you* are the best choice?


PLEASE read What are Plan A and Plan B . That is your map.

There IS a plan, and it has the best odds for success. You can take comfort in that. Read it, and follow it.


This is GREAT! This gives you a great opportunity to implement Plan A. Some folks have to try Plan A when their WS (Wayward Spouse) has already moved out. You have a great opportunity to do some great Plan A things, especially with this being Mother's Day. Do you have anything planned yet?


Don't apologize. You're doing great.

Any ideas on what to do for the weekend? I am really not feeling anything right now, but know it is a great time to spend some time with my family and hopefully, gain some ground although I agree her mind will be in his house/arms/whatever. Yuck..nasty thought.

Try to keep it fun and busy so her mind doesn't drift off to thoughts of OM.