MaryAnne

Well, it would seem that the male counselor is changing his story. The last time, he was taking your husband's side and now he is negative with your husband. He is beginning to see what is going on, I guess.

It would appear more and more as if your husband was looking for a certain type of compliant woman when he married you, for the reasons I gave in that post. Did you show the post to the female counselor for confirmation? If you did not, I suggest you print it and show it to her at your next opportunity. She will know how to properly evaluate it in terms of your standing in your new country, or at least move you in the direction of someone who will know how to deal with it, such as a Lawyer.

Protect yourself. Protect your money. Please seek advice from the two agencies I posted for you.

I understand that you feel very down because of the attitude of your husband. You cannot change him. You can act in your own self interest and you should act in your own self interest.

Protect yourself. Seek knowledge, seek information on your status. Be prepared. Until you really know where your stand, I would not suggest that you do anything negative with you husband except be honest: if you do not like what he does, say so. But don't pick fights needlessly.

Larry

@turtlehead: thanks for the info. But we are not talking much at the moment. He thinks that I'm not interested what's going to him. I did that already, since last year, that I always told him if something bothers him, and he misunderstood that, I'm controlling him. last time when he met his friend right after our holidays, he told me that he don't want to be controlled because I'm not his mother. It is slowly clear to me now, that he don't want to work out the relationship that's why he's doing these confusing things, so that if I ask him, he has something to throw at me that I'm controlling him, that I'm insecure and that I'm jealous of his friend.

The counselor told me that I should stop doing this for the meantime and should take care of myself. I should learn not to depend on my H and should give more importance to myself, and on my 1-on-1 session with our male coach, he told me that I should be strong. I guess, he slowly understand now our situation and that's why he told me that he will also set a 1-on-1 session with my H.

@Larry: yes it seems that the counselor change his sides now because maybe he slowly see the situation where is this going.
I printed out the one you gave me but I haven't showed it yet. Maybe in the next couple of sessions, I will do that. Today my H asked me why I do need to have 2 counselors right now. He don't understand. I didn't tell him, I wanted to say: "it's because of your strange behavior which makes me sad and suffer pain".

Most of the time now, he just talk about computers,superficial topic and act as if everything is alright.

Last time when he went out with his friend, I didn't ask him how was their dinner. I waited for him to share to me, which he usually does, but he didn't. He acted nothing and seems to be very happy that he was able to see his friend again. But I was sharing to him, how my massage went. And seems not to be interested. It was painful to see, but I tried to be strong. He's really changing into a different direction.

We have a very different focus why we are seeing a therapist. His focus is: We have to solve on how can we have a separate holidays?

My focus is: How can we communicate effectively and he should learn to communicate with me in an adult manner? How can we avoid hurting each others feelings?

I think, he really doesn't like the situation where I'm not talking much. It makes him crazy and today he listened to his music on his phone loudly and he's quite aggressive whenever he says something in a sarcastic way. I don't understand him why he's acting like this, I wanted to ask again if everything is ok, but it seems that he will only say the same thing that everything is fine, and I should not always look for questions in our relationship.

I hope I can pass the examination this year. It's really difficult on my part right now:-(

At the moment, I don't know what to do anymore :-( I need a hug, I need someone to understand me and someone who'll not judge me for my feelings:-(

Need some encouragement:-(
thanks


ps: by the way our age difference is: my husband is 12 years older than me & he's on his 40's.

hi again

I wrote before that me and my husband were not talking much. He's quite distant from me and vice-versa. from last session I was advice that I should not wait for my husband and I have to take care of myself and I should wait for my husband to come to me.

Last sun when he went out for dinner he asked me how my day was etc. I was telling him most of the time and I never asked him back. I thought if he wants to share something to me then he has to tell me and if he's not going to tell me, it's his problem.

So it was like that since last week starting sat. I didn't ask him anymore but I was treating him normally. I will only reply if he has something to say.

Yesterday when we arrived home, we prepared dinner and we watched tv. Before we started to watch tv, he commented something, that I'm quite strange. I said, why? What made you say that? He said that I'm quite distant to him and he told me that I never asked him anymore which he found it strange from me. He said that when he went out I didn't ask him what happened. I told him that, I didn't ask him because he doesn't want me to. That was on our last discussion. He said that he doesn't like it if I'm controlling him. Now I'm doing it. And he said it was not what he meant. Of course he liked it if I ask him. He said he was quite concerned what my female coach told me, because after that session, he said I was different.
I don't know if he's really concern about me. But just today, I borrowed his phone to call somebody, I saw that he deleted some messages he sent last sunday to their pilot friend who's divorced. I don't know if its appropriate to ask him about this. But I know he will defend himself again and he might get angry that I checked his messages instead of calling.

please I need your opinion. Do you think it's good that I'll ask him why he deleted those messages? I don't want to start a fight again. But I thought when he asked me last night why I'm so strange and he's worried about my health because I'm not sleeping, he really loves me and he's concern about me. But it seems it's all only superficial. I have the feeling that he's just telling it, to hear what I wanted to hear.

I would appreciate your opinion. At the moment, I'm quite upset again. I don't know, if I feel something is wrong my heart usually beats faster even I don't know yet what's going on. And then later I start to discover things unconsciously. It's quite strange of me :-(

Is something's wrong with me?

Hi i just would like to ask if its a good idea to approach my husband again about him deleting the sms he wrote to their other friend? Or is it good to discuss together with the coach?
Quite confused because he's being nice to me again like sweet. Etc...

Need advise thanks

lately I also noticed that my H whistles all the time. It's quite annoying to hear. He never did that before. Only when he came back from their holidays.
Whenever we're together and if we don't talk he usually hum some melodies..
Is it normal?

I wouldn't ask right now.

Your H will only get angry and perhaps invent a lie about the calls. The important thing is that you know he is still hiding his behavior from you. In other words, he is lying to you.

That is really the important thing here.

thanks turtlehead,but sometimes it's difficult for me to shut down and as if nothing happened.
I saw that there was sms on his phone, and I saw that when he went out, he was texting with their other friend while he was out with his male friend. And the following day, I didn't see the messages anymore. The messages were being deleted.

Do you think it's good to bring this up on our next session of couple's therapy?

Thanks

Hi i met my friend today & my H stayed at home. Things are really different. I'm very upset right now coz I found out that my H communicate to his friend only when I'm not around.
I don't understand this situation. I wanted to talk to him about this but seems we will have a fight again, if i do that. I also wanted to tell him about the sms he deleted, but turtlehead suggested not to tell. Do you think its ok if i'll bring this up with the coaching?

I feel that we don't have trust anymore with each other.
Today when he came home, i felt that something is different & he's just talking & talking about the things he did superficially. They are not really like it came from his heart.

Today he also told me that I have to transfer money because we don't have much money from our account & he showed me that we only like 700$ left. I don't sometimes understand is, how he spend the money...

Also today he changed the password of his text messages account.And he opened another account which is for free. And it was quite strange because I asked him if he can show me how it works he was not happy about the idea & he told me why i need to know the other account coz he already gave me his other free messenging account. I was waiting for him to log in & he log in it seems he forgot the password. It was quite strange because he just sent sms to me 15 min ago & then suddenly he forgot the password. Well i wanted to ask again but I just hold my temper & started to get away from him. He went to bed ahead of me & I saw that he called his friend again. I don't understand... How can I tell him that I don't like the way he's behaving esp when he's talking to his friend when Im not around. If i say this i know he'll continue to say that i'm controlling him... What shall i do?.....
Do you think i should open this up to the counselor?
I was thinking to speak to his brother about his behaviour do you think it's a good idea? I need your help badly... Thanks...

@ Larry: we were married twice... First in his country & then we got married on my country 6 months after.. I hope this info' will help you

we had a big fight again. it's getting complicated :-( and i'm draining my energy.
we had visitors yesterday we went out for dinner and before that I was not really feeling well. Because the night before that, when I went home, my husband was on the computer. and he was sending me sms using a free website. He told me that last time that there is a free sms on this website and while I was out he was using this one to send sms to me for free. when I arrived home, I asked him how does it work because it didn't appear his number and it only showed the name "SMS Service". He was defensive, he told me why am I interested to know because he already gave me his other account to send for free and my own account I created and now he only wanted to have that one but and now here I am asking him how does it work and at first he doesn't want to tell the password. He was trying to enter his username and the password and it was always wrong. What confused me was, he just texted me using that free website and now he forgot the password. Then he requested the password and there it was. He showed me the interface and I asked him if I can also use it he was not happy. He told me that he also want to have some privacy and now why I'm trying to know everything he has. He was not happy about the idea. I didn't comment anything. So I let it. I wanted to send sms to my mom and I was on his PC, I open the other account which was him and when I tried to enter his username and password it says that the password was wrong. I know it's his messenging account but I know before I can just login and use that without any problem. I felt that something is wrong again so I said I still wanted to stay a bit because I want to read. And he went to bed. But before he went to bed, since I can't really control my emotions. I told him that I want to send sms to my mom. He was beside me when I was accessing that account and he told me why are you using it, because you also have your own?. I said because the password and username is already saved under bookmarks so I just clicked it and then it suddenly said that the password is wrong. He told me his password he said he changed it yesterday and then he said I think it was today. So I login and he was not happy that I used it. I said ok then I'll use the other account, I login and the password was also wrong and we tried it again and it worked. I asked him why he changed the password he said because the other one is quite simple.
So I let that night pass without saying anything but it really bothers me the whole night. The next day, it was quite ok, I wanted to tell him but I was just looking for the right time, while we were meeting his brother, he asked me about an account which his friend is doing for me to cancel it. I told him last week that I'll cancel it but then I was thinking why should I call his friend because he doesn't want to talk to me. I thought, if he doesn't want to do that for me then he should call me. I know it's quite childish of me to think about it. And during last week he was so eager to cancel it, he said he doesn't like the idea, that I don't like his friend and his friend is doing some money for me on my account. I told him that I'll handle it. And that was the end of our conversation. And yesterday he asked me again that this weekend we have to cancel it, I didn't say anything and I thought i was already clear that I'll handle it and now he's very eager to cancel that account. so he didn't find it very nice of me because I didn't say anything. I was thinking we have to discuss it together with the coach and I don't want to have a fight with him. But then his mood also changed. We met his brother, and I noticed that he's kind of distant to me. That also made me upset and sad because for him if I'll say how I feel that it seems he's quite distant to me, he will tell me he has the feeling that I want him to be my entertainer.
That afternoon, we didn't talk to much and I was upset as well because it seems he's not interested to know. He already saw me that I was having a teary - eyed while cleaning the apartment and for him, everything is just normal. Until our visitors arrived. We really had a bad night, because we went out and our food was not very good so we had to complain and we had to wait for almost 1 hr. while our friends waited for us after finishing their food. It was an odd situation.
We went home and it seems that he doesn't want to talk but he asked me why I'm not feeling well. I told him, I'm sad about us and I'm tired. But while asking me he was just roaming around and he was not talking to me face to face. He wanted me to go to him and tell him, what's going on. I know I did not say anything more because I saw that he was quite avoiding while I'm talking and he was walking around the house. So how can I tell him how I feel, if he was walking around the house while asking me. I asked him if he already wants to go to bed, he said he's still quite full and he wants to read. I told him that I need some fresh air, and I took the car key again. He told me you can go as long as you're not driving. He saw it that I had the key and he told me that he'll call the police. I told him that I wanted to talk to him but it seems he was not interested. And then he told me that I was twisting the story again. And we started to fight. He asked me what's my problem. I told him about us, not talking too much and it seems that he doesn't love me anymore and he said, he also feels the same way.
Then I told him right after our last session with the coach, it's very difficult to me to see things that we are not happy together. And then he brought up the topic that why I'm telling the coach last time that he's reporting to his friend during our holidays. He said that he's shocked what I'm telling the coach. He told me that we have to read the sms together the one sent by his friend so that he can delete the messages anymore. Because on our last session, the coach asked him to read the sms. And it was not able to push through.

He told me that we will read it right now together and then afterwards I have to apologize and will tell the coach that I misunderstood it. I told him that we will read it together with the coach and he didn't agree. I told him but what he wrote on the email it was really reporting and why is he doing this only to this one friend. That I don't understand???. I told him, if he wants we can show the email again to the coach so that the coach will understand why I'm reacting like this, he shouted at me, and he told me, what do you want me to do, bring my PC to the coach and we will live there?.... He gave me a warning to read together the sms so that I will not misunderstood that anymore. I told him why we are not reading this with the coach, he said, he will delete the messages after. If I will not read it together with him last night, he's going to delete it. I told him, that we have to read it when we are not emotional anymore. He want me to apologize to him and tell the coach that I misunderstood everything. I felt so scared.... :-( :-( :-( It seems that my husband is quite sick. He was also not happy that I publish something on my website an article about "friends in our relationship"....He told me then now the whole world its me and my friend and he asked me why did I wrote it. Why I have to tell the world that we are having problems?.... He was not happy about it. And I told him you started to share our problems with your friend, which you know I didn't like but you said you can't take it if you don't have anybody to talk to with your problems. Now, it seems that he doesn't want me to say anything about the situation.
And he kept on saying that, I should exclude his friend because it's about us. And his friend has nothing to do about it. I asked him why he's always defending his friend???... He said he's not defending him, the problem is me. It seems that he doesn't want that his friend will be involve on our conversation. I know that he knows that the part of a problem is his friend. I don't understand why he can't understand me. He said he will still continue to talk his friend, will email him and will see him. So it's for me to work on my insecurity and start to trust him he said. He told me also that he needs some privacy where he don't need to explain and defend himself and where he doesn't have to tell anybody what does it mean when he was telling something to his friend. Because it seems that his friend understand his feelings... I'm really having the feeling that maybe they're having some relationship. Because the friendship that they have it's very confusing and it's some common locals here will not do because they are very concern about their dignity to others.
The email we showed last time with our coach, also disturbed me a lot because he asked me if I suspect that there is some bi-sexual relationship going on. And I said I couldn't really tell. But could be if the closeness they have is very strong right after the holidays. But the coach also said that it irritates him when he read the email because they have this sweet messages that only the two of them can understand.

After last night, I was very scared because it seems that he is doing all good things in front of his brother or mother or other people. So that people will think that he's the very sweet man and a very good husband. But if we are together, he usually gave me negative comments and sometimes if I say something he will be irritated.

Today we call his mom, and his mom asked us if everything is ok. Until we told her that we actually had a fight last night. And she asked what about, we said it was still about their trip from last year and so many things. because it's getting complicated. His mother was quite angry at me, why I don't trust her son. She told me that I have to work on my insecurity and gather self-confidence and I should trust her son. My H also told her mom, its because me because I was starting to read his emails. And her mother was not happy. She said I should never do that because it's not a good thing, it only shows that I'm not trusting her son. So I have to trust her son and moved on and forget the past. I hate to say this, but it seems that her mother doesn't understand my feelings as well. She told me that i should trust her son because her son loves me, if we continue to be like this then we will be tired until our relationship will fall apart. My H thanked her mom, he said that's what he's also keep on telling me but it seems that I am not doing that. So we said goodbye over the phone. And I couldn't bear it anymore I told my husband, if he needs his privacy and if he needs that nobody is checking his anymore because he thinks that I'm not trusting him, I think we should have a break for the meantime until I can recover myself and work on my insecurity and self-confidence and that trust again. He said he don't want to, because the coach said if we have a break there's no way of going back together.

I'm so scared at the moment. Because he's trying to say that I start to read his emails which means I didn't trust him.

I know I have to seek advice and help but I have to speak with my female coach first. Hopefully this will be over.

I can slowly myself that, my husband wants me to just follow what he says and then he can just do anything for himself....I feel so sad...

Please I need some words here :-(

We had a discussion again, my H was asking me to transfer money on his account because he said we don't have money anymore. He asked me to transfer around 2000$ or 2500$. I suggested something on how we can do some budgeting with our accounts & he said something like its not possible. Abd i tried to compute everything & gave him an idea but it seems he was not happy with my suggestion. He was quite complaining that we dont have money anymore & i told him what about the next 3 months coz my contract will be over & he replied that's why we have to catch up with our expenses & he said he would be happy if i can transfer money. And i asked him u complain that we don't have money anymore & there you are you still want to go for a separate holidays. What does supposed to mean now? Do i have to save for myself & you also save for yourself? That's quite unfair. He said we will do that like last year. And he was quite angry that I said unfair & he told me that i shouldbe thankful that i was able to go to other countries. While discussing, i told him we also have to pay for the therapy & he said that's also the one that's why we cant just go every week. And i told him that's why we have to really think if our goal in going to counseling is worth it. I wanted to let him know that what he's doing to me now is very unacceptable. I told him that you're goal to coaching is to have a separate holidays we have to think if that is really worth it seeing a therapist & then we will say that we don't have money anymore.and then suddenly he twisted what i said, he told me yeah that's your goal... I was very surprised because it's actually what he told me before & then he said that's what i wanted which was not very true. I really don'tundersstand him right now.
I was crying & can't breathe anymore i told him to leave me alone for the meantime coz i can't talk :-(
please help me :-(

I hope somebody is reading out there, and would also give me some thoughts :-(
I'm very confused right now.
My H told me just today, that maybe he can't take it anymore one day:-(
Is it a sign that he wants to leave me already?
It seems that it's my fault again

:-(

I hope somebody will give me some adviced here.

Is turlehead & Larry still here?
haven't heard from them needed advice badly
thanks

Sorry, but I think he might be bisexual too. Hope you are not exposing yourself to any sexual diseases.

I would NOT transfer any money at all to him until he starts being honest and open.

Hi believer thank you. So you also have the feeling that my H is a bi- sexuall too?...

I wanted to say that last time, I know when I say that if he doesn't start to be honest with me then I'll not transfer money, he'll get defensive & get angry at me:-(

Last time his mom said that I should learn how to have self - confidence & security with myself & I should learn how to trust her son...

Will I talk to her brother?
Do I need to expose the mails I read with my therapist?

This weekend he's invited by his friend ' s house for dinner because he has to repair the PC of the sister of his friend...
I asked him if they only invite him. And he said yes because i'm going to repair the pc. I said that is really strange do you think that they only invite you. And then he said but your not going to repair the pc & you have your schedule by the way with your therapist. I told him that my schedule will be finished in 1 hr. And then he said that, that is strange that you hate my friend & you'll come to their place & eat. Then I said I'll come to clear things he didn't say anything at all. Then after a couple of hours he reacted as if nothing happened.

I'm not sure if I talk to him again about how I feel.
Is plan A here the next step?

hi again i'm quite lost at the moment and don't know anymore what to do.
last night we had a fight again.
Maybe it's my fault as well.

You know he was invited by his friend this friday because he is going to repair the PC. And last time since he was not talking about him, which was also strange, last night, while we were in a store, he told me that he has to buy a birthday card for the niece of his friend. So that I can also sign. I felt very sad about it because it really seems that my husband is not willing to work things out.
I wasn't able to control my feelings, I asked him when we were on the way home, why is he doing this to me. He was very angry right away. He said he don't want to discuss it anymore and he was being defensive and shouting at me. He told me that I am crazy little [censored] because, I said that i hate his friend and now I was expecting his friend to invite me.

Yes I said that but what I don't understand it, why they he's quite hiding his friend from me? While last year, I was telling him many times to talk and ask him why is his friend reacting this towards me which I don't understand?

Now he's using what I said against me, why I wanted to be invited if I hate the person? I really don't understand him anymore.

He wanted me to apologize and everything, but I also told him that I was hurt also by his friend because his friend treated me rudely. But he didn't care, he just simply said, he didn't know. That's all. So how can I trust him again, because even this he didn't know and I told him that it's like that, but he's showing that the most important thing is, his friend. My feelings are not important. When I started to mentioned my feelings then, he tried to insert his feelings as well. And then start to pick things up, like, he told me, that the problem with me is, I seem to forget things and it was never the fault of me and its always the fault of others.

I don't understand why, he's reacting like this? Why he can't just simply, say yes we had misunderstanding and let's work on it and we'll try to talk about this with my friend and see what his reactions.

The thing that disturbed me most is, he wanted me to apologize. After all the confusions he made. Now he's trying to take things back at me, like I was reading his emails, and that I don't trust him. He said he felt like a prisoner because he felt that he's guarded all the time.

Last night he was already swearing words at me, like f*** sh** to me and he told me that I'm crazy nut wife. And then he told me like this: "if you're not happy anymore, then go home!!!!"...

Please need your advice :-(

So hurt desperately. He wants me to believe and forget everything from last year.

But I asked him one question, why he asked his friend what is he going to do with me, he denied it. He said he didn't ask his friend because his old enough to know what is he going with me?
I was sad, because that time I know he was not honest to me. And then he became more and more impatient and aggressive.

But I heard it clearly. And he said he can't remember anything what he was talking that time and why I only bring it up.

but he was also picking things on me, and of course I would say I don't remember anything. And then he told me, that's the problem with me because I don't remember.

I told him, last year, that I am not comfortable that he's telling our personal problems with his friend. Because in my side, even if it was difficult for me, I tried to keep it between us. But then he said, he can't do that, otherwise he explode. He's not only sharing his problems to his friend, he's also talking bad about me. But all of these, he denied it :-(

I'm scared to go home tonight at home, because I don't feel secure anymore with him. He tends to be very angry and very defensive and I couldn't talk to him properly.

Do you think it's good not to go home tonight. I just want to have a break from him. He's hurting me emotionally :-(

Please help I need your advice. I'm already out of knowledge here :-(

I think I can't go on like this :-(

Hi any advice please :-(

MaryAM-

Hang in there! Week-ends can be slow here.

Hi again

would love to hear your advices :-(

quite out of wisdom here :-(

thanks

Wow, you are in a tough situation, I am very sorry...Unfortunately, I dont think Larry post anymore...but he gave you a lot of information, that I think would be worth rereading and making a decision. Your husband is trying to put the fault on you, dont settle for that. All these things he is saying to you, about not trusting him and him feeling like a prisoner...seems he is being deceptive.

You need to decide what you want to do....

That's true. Larry wrote his advice and yeah, sounds very tough situation. The problem is if I continue to say how I feel with my husband he tends to be defensive. And I don't know what to do anymore. Our couple therapist suggested that I go and see a female counselor for me.
Now it seems that I am the one who's crazy here because I have 2 counselors now.

At the moment my H is very nice again to me. And i don't know if it's only a show :-( It's hard because i know if we have argument again, he will use all the good works he did to me again. So that I'll be in the bad side :-(

I would like to ask if suggesting to meet the 3 of us with his friend is a good idea? I want to clarify and settle things. But the problem is, my H wanted me to apologize to his friend.
Shall I still push through the meeting the 3 of us?

Another thing is, I also have the email where his friend wrote that he shouldn't tell me where they're going, do you think it's good to show this to my personal coach and to our couple therapist? My concern is, if I show it to our couple therapist my H, will be very mad at me... I would like that our couple therapist will understand why I'm feeling this????
Do you think its a good idea?

Thanks