You demand he change his email. This HAS to be a condition. You get into his email and change the password if you have to.

I have found keyloggers to be invaluable.

Why is he unwilling to change his email? People do it all the time.

Keyloggers?
And he doesn't want to change it, in part, because his ID is named after his beloved basset hound who died. But mostly because it's the one and only account he's had for over 12 years.

I genuinely don't think it's because he's wanting to maintain a possible connection. But he won't consider the fact that a surprise email, three months from now, would be the issue. No, she hasn't tried to contact since the "break up", but it's only been two weeks.

www.spectorsoft.com

This is an inexpensive program that you can install on your H's computer in less than five minutes. It will record everywhere he goes, every password, every email, every keystroke. And it sends reports to your email.

I can't vouch for the email one - I use(d) SpectorPro, not eBlaster. But other posters here have, and I wish I'd gotten that one.

Of course, you understand that your WH must not be made aware of this program.

Changing his email addy should be a condition for recovery. Speaking of conditions, what are YOURS?

In regards to what in particular?

in regards to recovery. WHat conditions must he meet for you to consider recovery?

Gotcha.
1. No contact.
2. Total honesty, even when it's hard for me to hear. (And that total honesty is why he called OW's H)
3. Do some reflection. What void was being filled? So far all I'm getting is "I don't know."

We've had some pretty deep heart-to-hearts about other issues we've had, but nothing specifically related to the affair. (Unless you want to go with the simple, "She and I didn't have any stressors in our relationship")


That's pretty much it. So far, he's being pretty cooperative and transparent which is why I wasn't sure what to do when he said No on the email thing.
He hasn't truly dug in his heels to anything before this...

Okeedokee. I think you can meet him halfway on this one. How about he keeps his account, but you have the password and the ability to check it at will?

I'm good with your list, but I think you'll add to it as you read more here. Consider going over the Emotional Needs Questionnaire with him, though - not just 'reflection.' Reflection is all well and good, but it is a passive, solitary activity. The EN's Questionnaire is active and involves both of you.

Okay. 3 things and one of them, he gets to tell you how BAD you were.(Number 3). Is that really it? Have you thought of other things? WHat about counseling with the coaching center on MB? What about reading SAA? What about posting on here? There is so much more. You mission today is to set the bar HIGH. If you do NOT, then he will be sure to meet your LOW bar. You may even wind up in a False Recovery, which is said to be WORSE then the first DDay.

My list of requirements for my WH just to communicate with me again are these.


That is just to get out of plan B. My recovery list is HUGE. I used some of SMB's requirements, but I made them my own.

BTW, the marriage counseling I mentioned is MB of course, but WH doesn't know MB exists.

I would suggest you both read "His Needs Her Needs". I got the audio version for my H to listen to in the car on the way to/from work. It will help you two understand the dynamics of M, meeting ENs and also has examples of how As start when allowing others to meet your ENs.

Your H should be able to see that he let another woman meet his ENs and realize that he needs to have Extraordinary Precautions in place to prevent this from happening again. If there is any issue with this step at all, call Steve Harley up for coaching. We have coached with him and he is GREAT. The types of things that would be on the EP list are things like, a) no discussing personal issues with women, b) no personal emailing or phone calls with women, c) no recreational activities with another woman w/o you there, etc.

Did he email regularly with OW? If so, I am sorry, I don't think that's a corner you can cut. Emails can too easily be erased. Also I think it will keep him triggered knowing he could get an email from her at any time.

PM, now would be the time to start creating a romantic relationship with your husband. There will be a void for him and if you both work on filling it with a great marriage, the chances of an affair relapse will be greatly diminished. Here is where I would start to get the biggest bang for your buck:

The Importance of 15 hours of Undivided Attention

I already do.
In fact, that's how I realized the extent of this thing...

And oh the irony... I haven't been online this weekend to do more than check my business email (and this thread) since Friday night. Neither has DH.
She emailed "us" on Saturday morning. Though interestingly, she only sent "our" email to his address.
He didn't reply to it, only forwarded it to me this morning. In fact, he says he forwarded it before he even read it. I think that's probably true.

She basically reiterates her appreciation to DH for being a shoulder for her abortion, and other, issue(s) (though she has yet to say it to me since she seems to think he's STILL keeping secrets from me) and that she was glad to support him when he quit smoking.
(That was one of his "My wife doesn't understand me like you do" things. That I didn't support his efforts to quit smoking. Which, during recent communication, he's pointed out was BS because I've been his number one fan. He doesn't know why he would say/think that...)
She also says how much she appreciates my not talking to her H (of course, this was BEFORE DH called him)

Most importantly, she says she hopes that we won't "punish" their daughter, who's graduating this Sunday, by not coming to her reception and the graduation.
Now, granted, we have been friends of the family since she was in 6th grade, but at the same time, we all know full well that she's not going to be particularly upset if some family friends don't make it to her party. We'll send a card with a check and call it good.



ANYWAY--
The first thing we're going to do, while his resolve is strong, is block her addresses from his email!

So far as the recommendations for further communication, I assumed that was a given, I guess. Those were my requirements for CONSIDERING recovery, afterall...

Actually, we already do this. I'll admit, not 15 hours, but usually around 10. Fifteen is a good number to shoot for.

In fact, I remember when we went to a Marriage Encounter weekend last fall (before this all erupted), he was truly worried that I thought something was wrong.
No, Love, I just wanted a weekend that was just for the two of us, learning how to love each other better. It was a great weekend, btw.
And beyond just TIME for us, we spend an hour a week, just in writing thoughts/worries/joys to each other and then the discussion of them.

When he gave me the schtick of "I haven't been happy for a long time..." it was easy to shoot down with, "What are you talking about?! Go re-read your Love Journal!"

"Oh yeah. I guess you're right. I don't know why I said that..."

I also think the fact that we were already pretty healthy is why he's being so cooperative and honest about this, too. And, for that matter, why I can be patient and fair. Our Servers are far more visible than our Takers. We're both working very hard to be honest without being hurtful.

Actually, from this point on and for the rest of your life, fifteen hours a week should be the bare minimum amount of time you spend giving your spouse your undivided attention.

Don't short-change your marriage by not spending enough time together to keep this ball rolling.

Not changing his email address is a mistake.

The way A's work is your H and OW got a zing off each contact with each other ~ it has been compared to a hit off the crack pipe each time they have contact, even an email or seeing each other in passing. (unfortunately this is probably why your H doesn't want to change his email)

Receiving her email is a setback ~ your H's w/d clock gets set back to Day 1. And now you are talking and focusing on her again.

This is why you were told pretty early on you needed to change phone numbers and emails. *sigh*

OW is very brazen and manipulative...nice move on trying to guilt you guys into going to her D's party. I doubt this is the last time you will hear from her and I doubt she will give up easily.

ps ~ what did your H's NC letter say? Can you post it?

Not only is UA time of 15+ hours a MUST, it has to be doing activities that meet the 4 ENs of Sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship and affection. Dr Harley has stated that he won't even consider counseling anyone unless they COMMIT to at least 15 hours of scheduled UA every week.

Have you considered calling the coaching center to get some guidance for your recovery?

Well I guess I would assume it can't be spent paying bills.
Like I said, we've been carving out US time from the week for quite some time... That's really nothing new.
And we're easily exceeding 15 hours since all of this happened. But it's definitely not a trend yet, as it's still so fresh. KWIM?
We'll just have to decide that it's going to be a habit we have to keep.

Honestly, no. So far we're making positive, forward progress. We're both completely committed to us and that hasn't wavered.

Question: Should I respond to this email of hers and tell her to go away and leave us alone? A CC to her husband's address??
I keep thinking she'd be appalled if she realized that she's coming across as a stalker...
Or, should we just ignore her entirely?

She has already been blocked from DH's address. And, trying it with my own email, there's nothing to show that she's blocked on her end. She can send a message to him and won't know that it just disappears into oblivion. He also doesn't know that anything was ever sent.