I know that I am not a teen anymore, and I wasn't trying to use that as an excuse for why I didtrying to figure ot what what I did. My C is trying to figure out my past to try and find what may have led me to this behavior. Again I wasn't trying to blame or make excuses all I was saying is that those were factors that played into why I "justified" to myself that what I was doing even though it was wrong. Besides you have to look at the past so you don't repeat the future. I'm not trying to fix the past, just trying to undestand it so I can move forward correctly.

When I say "try to read her" I'm not trying to read her mind, just need to interpret her actions to what they are and not what I want to see it as.

naveguy, when we think that we can interpret the actions of others so we can understand what they are thinking, we get ourselves way in over our heads. We can't possibly know that. Your best bet is to ASK her. That way you are not guessing wrong. Plus it's disrespectful.

Not trying to beat you down, but it's an LB and something that you need to understand for the future.

Ok I see what you are saying... Thanks.

Whether you've been in the fog a few months as the result of an A, or whether you've been in it since childhood, what I encourage you to focus on is getting rid of the thought patterns that led you to feel entitled to cheat. Your M will not survive without that.

Melody Lane is someone whose parents did their best to teach her that it was fine to cheat. Now, it would be hard to find someone who more clearly verbalizes the need of parents to plainly teach their children that adultery is wrong.

Ok, so stuff happened in childhood to warp your view of right and wrong. The big question is, who are you going to become now? And will you let God help you?

Refresh my memory: what are her top three EN's? If one of them is not SF, then your plan to ease her mind by engaging in SF was faulty. You should have focused on her EN's, not yours.

You learn how to act in a marriage from your parents. So, discussing how your parents acted in their M helps sometimes helps to understand why you do what you do in your own M.

If you parents were involved in extra-marital relationships, you will think it is OK. It isn't. You now understand that your parents M isn't what you want.


As to date night: Your W is going to go back and forth between anger and love. As you romance her, she is going to feel more attached to you. When she becomes more attached to you, she then will think "why did he do this to me?" Then, she will become angry at you.

If you feel she is holding back, just tell her to go ahead and say it and get it off her chest. Never let the "elephant in the room" go unnoticed.

When she is venting, it helps to listen carefully to her, but not necessarily to respond.

It sounds like you aren't being sincere in your communication with her. You tell her stuff to make her feel good about herself. You want to have sex with her to distract her from her problems. Is that really the only reason you want to have to sex with her? Is this a "pity f**k"?

The truth is you want to have sex with her because she arouses you. What is wrong with that? Why do you need to to phrase everything as if it is for her and not for yourself? Do you think it is bad to tell her what you want?

She is moving forward. She is just really p*ssed off at you. You have to keep doing what you are doing.

She is confused, and when people get confused, they get very, very angry. (See, e.g., "the Tea Party").

Yes, that is so true about looking for her EN's rather than yours.

It's great that you're attracted to your BW, and you should let her know. You already found out that letting her know in a crude, earthy way isn't going to work for you.

So just tell her how beautiful she is, and occasionally even that you desire her, just not with the expectation of getting anything back.

At some point, if your M is to R, she will again start meeting your need for SF. Ditto your other top EN's. Right now her Giver is plumb out of give, and you'll need to be very patient and giving yourself, knowing that she won't be able to reciprocate for quite a while.

She doesn't want to meet your EN's right now, but it goes much deeper to where at this point, she's not able to. Emotionally, she's weak, weary, and spent. About all she can give right now is her presence, and not divorcing you at this moment. Even that is a huge gift, and one that you can put to good use every day.

Even if you don't know her top 3-5 EN's, study up on them and make an educated guess. You know her better than you think.

Actually, I would ask your wife if she wants to hear that you think she's beautiful, and if she's ready to hear it.

Let me be frank. I'm the wife of a recovering sa. In my very conservative estimation, my husband has seen 40,000 women in various states of being naked over the course of his acting out. I'm betting he's seen 10,000 naked women.

That's a lot of women to be fantasizing about, at the expense of me.

And my husband's compulsive behavior affected SF. Our SF is still filled with scars from my husband's addiction at 3 years out.

The last thing I wanted to hear and was willing to accept is that my husband thought I was attractive. I actually called him a liar when he would say I was attractive, and I would ask him to stop saying that.

Again, I was only able to accept my husband's declarations of my attractiveness when he'd been sober for about 18 months and when I really worked on my healing (which really started when my husband reached 1 year of sobriety.) FWIW, it was also about that time that I forgave my husband and decided to stay in the relationship. At 18 months out, the emotional roller coaster had subsided to a kiddy ride.

You should be aware that partner's of sa's healing normally lags the recovery of the sa themselves. And you should be aware that your wife could choose to not do the work to heal herself.

The only way I knew my husband was in real, serious recovery is when he started work on his non-sexual intimacy. How are you doing with conversation with your wife? Are you able to talk to her about the weather, movies, something, anything other than your SA or the kids? I know I killed to have mental breaks from the sh*tstorm that was my life after d-day.

Well.... I have been trying to get her to do the EN's questionnaire and start to form a plan, but she resists by saying it is to soon for her to even try any of that stuff. So I tell her that is fine we will go at your pace but think that we need to do something to at least get it moving. So no I don't know her needs at this point but I would love to know so I can do the right thing.

Neak, I am trying to become the man I was when we first meet and fell in love, I never had any thought of doing any of this kinds of things. When we had our DD I went down hill because I did have my W's full undivided affection, attention anymore. So I went else where looking to have it filled on top of what she was giving me. She gave me some, but not like it was or what I wanted. Yes I am willing to turn myself over to God and have made a huge change in my life concerning him.

Jimmy, there is nothing wrong with me being attracted to her or wanting her. The problem is that I am addicted to sex and I should be able to control it and express it at better times then when I did is all I am saying.

I do tell her that she is beautiful all the time and that I am wanting her. Sometime graphicly and others just by saying that I would love to caress her. She has told me that she like to hear that and is happy that I find her so attractive that I want her that bad. I just have bad timing and bad ways of expressing it.

I get worried when I read this. But, it's hard to communicate sometimes on private message boards..

What do you think about finding a sponsor in a 12-step group to help you with this issue? How's your coaching on RN going?

Good when someone finally replies to my posts, and no I hsven't found a sponsor yet, I started SAA but stopped because every time I would come home my wife would have a major AO that would escalate to violence and my DD saw this, so I made the choice to take a break until we could get to a calmer point and then I am going back. I am hoping to start back up this week, but my wife is with her father right now and I have the kids so if she can't get back in time for me to go I will have to go next week, but I am going back.

One of the twelve step sa groups has phone meetings. I don't remember which one at the moment, but you could find out online.

This would be possible to do with kids.

ETA: I took vacation time from work so that my husband could work through recovery. Mind you, this took away from my maternity leave. I wasn't pleased about it, but the first priority was sobriety and recovery work for my husband. You need to do, what you need to do. You can't fix a marriage until the dysfunction is fixed.

I understand that, and that is why I want to go back to SAA. My other problem is I don't know what my mind is thinking anymore. My IC C has tasked me with figuring out why I am here and weather or not I am doing this for me or form my wife. I know that I want to make my wife happy again and making her happy makes me happy, so what is wrong with that? I am so confused right now because my mind is racing all over the place right now. All I want is an answer, someone to tell me what to do, but I know I have to be the one to answer it and I am lost... and that scares me a lot..

Nave - don't go back to being that guy. That guy became who you are now. That guy used the excuse of the changes that happen when a child comes to justify his horrible and despicable abuse of his wife and kids through adultery. Don't be that guy any more. Become a different guy, with better boundaries so that NO MATTER WHAT, no matter if your wife's attention of you starts to lag a bit behind what you think you need, you still won't do this to her again.

About


I think the difference between these is this:
If you are changing for yourself, you accept that you may lose your wife and may have to share custody of your children, but you're going to change anyways because it will make you a better person, father, and future spouse to someone else.

If you are changing for your wife, you're only changing because you're scared you're gonna lose her. You're changing out of fear. Those kinds of changes aren't going to stick, they'll be surface changes only, and eventually you will revert to 'who you were' and resent your wife and family for 'making' you change.

So why are you changing?

Do you want to stop self medicating? Do you want to learn healthy coping mechanisms? Do you want to be the best person you can be, no matter what? Are you ready to work harder than you ever had?

Along with what the previous poster said, it's as simple as that.

If you aren't ready to commit to recovery for the right reasons, then your recovery will not be successful. And then you need to be honest with your wife. She has a right to know.

One thing that I learned along this journey is that I cannot make people feel certain ways. The flip side is that I alone am responsible for my feelings and how I deal with them. No one can make me feel anything.

That is the million dollar question, what do I want. That is also the hardest question to answer. I want her, I want what we had before I screwed up, I want normalsy and I know it will never happen again.

I truely have no idea what I want anymore.

The facts;

1: I know I love her.
2: I know she still loves me.
3: I know I want us.
4: I miss what we had
5: I don't want to give up

I just don't know what to do anymore, nothing I do seems good enough so how much more do I have to do....

Ok it is 1 am and I can't sleep. I know that I am going to catch serious hell for this but I have to do it.

Why can't I ever express the way I feel, why do I tuck it away so I don't hurt her feelings worse then I already have. I mean I tell her the truth, I do love her and I do want to work this out, but I always hols back a little cause I am affraid of pushing her away or lossing her. I hate it.

It is so easy for me to tell someone at work or that I don't really know how it is and not care what they will think or how they will react, why is it so hard for me to be that way with her?

I know she will read this and blow her top but I have to get this out. I want to try and work this out, but I don't know how to anymore or even if I want to. I have probably just sealed my fate and end what little I had lef be saying what I just said. But I can't bottle it up anymore. I LOVE YOU pumpkin, I TRUELY LOVE YOU and I am SOOOOOO SORRY for what I did to you and the kids. I want to keep trying because I do love you. I will do better, but I had to get that out.

That certainly sounds like a copout to me. Poor you. Nothing you ever do seems good enough. Well you did a pretty good job of destroying your wife.

The phrase is "do whatever it takes for as long as it takes".

Recovery takes YEARS.

If you aren't willing to work at this for several years, and then maintain the changes you have made ever after, let your BW know asap.

I understand that you're frustrated by not seeing results yet, but I also understand that you won't see results for quite a while.

Can you deal with that? Can you deal with continuing to give to your devastated BW for the long time it will take before she is able to give back?

Those are some hard questions you need to ask yourself.

Nav, you've got a problem with drama and over-romanticizing.

Why would you want to go back to the M that you had before the A?

You didn't have a good relationship with your W before the A. Why do I know that? Because you had an A. If you and your W had a truly wonderful, committed relationship, you wouldn't have had the A.

Face reality--your M wasn't that great before the A. (You and your W can have a great, wonderful M.)

That is easy--lack of self-confidence. You are afraid if you let her know "who you really are", she won't love you. You likely role play your entire life rather than live.

The real problem is that before the A you and your W failed to talk about the things that matter most in life. Instead of being soul mates, you were two people raising children. Instead of being intimate, you had sex.

Pretending to be someone you aren't will lead to more As. Not letting her understand who you really are isn't fair to you or her.