Yeah, I know, it really is, isn't it? Not only nasty, but painful, too! It would be so easy to just say "don't even think about it" but, obviously, that is easier said than done (your mind will "naturally" wander in that direction from time-to-time, regardless of how much you fight it). Even if your W does not physically go see the ratbag over the weekend (fingers crossed she doesn't) her mind will likely still be there all the same and that, in itself, can make you feel just as sick inside as her actually being there would. Let's face it, it is downright difficult to even "imagine" someone you love pining over someone else when you are sitting right next to them...ugh!

Do your best to make this weekend a great one. We can't tell you "exactly" what to do because, of course, we don't even know what kind of things you like to do but, either way, try and make it a fun-filled, active weekend all the same. Oh, but don't forget, make sure that whatever it is you do decide to do... it is something that you KNOW your W enjoys doing (ie: don't plan a trip to the drag races because you're a car fanatic if your W can't even stand the noise of an engine running). Right now, focus on making your W see you for the great, fun, loving guy you are and meet those needs of hers that need to be met (whatever they may be). Also, being that it is Mothers Day weekend, this might be a good time to throw in a little "extra" surprise for her, something that simply says "I care!" By all means, don't OVERINDULGE her with too much of "this or that," otherwise she may see you as [needy/desperate/trying to "buy" her attention (etc)] and that is not your goal.

Hmmm, just thinking, being that it will be Mother's Day weekend, you might be able to find something special to do just by checking your local newspaper (or the like) for events happening in/around your area. Usually, on special days like M.Day, many places hold special events/have activities in celebration of. That's just one idea, of course, but maybe it will help you figure out something to do this weekend.

Good luck to you, igrip, I hope your weekend is FANNN-TASTIC!!!

Read up on Plan A. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. Make it easy and fun for her to be with you. If she's glum and long-faced, do not acknowledge it. Plan something you can do with your daughter.

Read, read, read. Much of what's in SAA is also here on this website. Read everything you can. Read other people's threads. Maybe Mr W can bump his thread...he and Mrs. W are a great MB success story. Jayne mentioned lildoggie; she's another one. There are others here too.

And even if you don't experience MARITAL recovery, you WILL experience PERSONAL recovery. This is the best place for you, no matter what the outcome. We hope and pray that you recover your marriage but please remember this. YOU are going to emerge a stronger, better person no matter which way it goes.

igrip, the articles and videos on this website are good, but you are not going to get a comprehensive understanding of this affair and MB's approach unless you read Surviving an Affair in its ENTIRETY. I have never known anyone who saved their marriage by just reading the articles. See if your bookstore has it or you can buy it cheap on this website. They have fast, cheap shipping too. Amazon sells it too.

p.s. and be sure and check out Dr Harley's video on adultery here: How to Survive Infidelity

I look forward to reading the entire book.

Here is tonights 'progress.' Today, she was distant and 'mad' that I was even around the house. She really wants to be alone I can tell.

Tonight, she is mad that I told people...the neighbor came home and her and my daughter were walking towards him and he drove off. Could be that he did not see them, etc...but she thinks because one of his friends I told 'can't keep a secret' and may have told him. This is progress right? This is what exposure is all about?

She is still (only been a day) adamant about the fact that we have no future together as a couple and basically, cold to my silent cries. All part of the plan??

ALL PART OF THE PLAN, YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!

You were warned that she would be angry. Some are angrier than others. Who cares how the neighbour found out. He is putting some pressure on her and she is feeling it. KUDOS.

You want their to be pressure on the affair. The harder it is to carry on, the more trouble it will be.

Part and parcel.

My WH gave me the good old, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech on September 20/09. He told me at that time he hadn't been happy for 3 years(oddly because he knew POSOW for 2.5 hmmmmm). Then a while later he told me that he hadn't been happy our whole marriage and didn't know why we got married. My answer to him was, "I guess in a few more weeks you will erase the other 6 years we were together too." This is ALL normal.

Around here we say that waywards are an alien race. Not only that, but they share a script. I believe they also share ONE brain between the lot of them.

igrip, she needs to understand that this is not a secret anymore. Everyone knows. Thats ok that she is upset about it. It will blow over!

IG:

On May 4th, you came here talking about how distant your WW had become, and how to fix your marraige.

You were asked to look into an possible affair.

You did, and found one.

Three days later, it was exposed, you prevented your WW and DAUGHTER from going to spend the weekend with the POSOM, and you have your MIL on your side.

All in all, I believe that you are in GREAT SHAPE.

The weekend is going to be tough.

It has been recommended that you Plan A your wife. Do so. And do an excellent job. Please be willing to allow her to cry about her circumstances in your presence. In many respects, this is VERY PAINFUL. But your WW found it very easy to confide in POSOM, and if you close off yourself from helping her process her pain, then it makes it alot easier to contact the POSOM.

Your doing GREAT. You may feel that your completely behind in all this, but you are in charge.

Don't forget that.

LG

They keep it secret even after it has been exposed wide and far. My H is still hiding is A as much as possible from people in the hope that they believe him when he says he wanted to separate from me for a while. So if he meets with common friends or with my son (when he is here) she is not around.
He lives alone and not with her so he can always say that he wanted to separate to be alone and figure things out.

Very clever. Then in a while she will come out of the wood work..but when she does they will all know who she is so I am not sure his plan is so good after all...
Who knows what goes on in the twisted mind of a WS!!!
blessing

Atena, see how exposure ruins the ability of the adulterer to introduce the OP around after the separation? Your exposure has ruined their future so they will always be hiding out like cockroaches. Except to other cockroach people.

I don't know if you've read about the Carrot and Stick of Plan A yet. Plan A involves both the stick of putting an end to the affair, and also the carrot of meeting the ENs of your spouse that you weren't meeting and that the OP was meeting.

I bumped the thread but here is the link . Here's an excerpt:

Just an update. Two nights ago, I went into her room because I was feeling down down down and 'broke down.' I told her how I felt about her (all good) and she stated that I had never said all of those things before. I told her I felt them, and I'm sorry that I did not express those feelings in words. I 'felt' I made progress.

That afternoon, I spoke to my counselor and learned many behaviors that I have (from my upbringing) that I need to stop in order to have any healthy relationship. I told my wife what I learned (basically, she had been trying to tell me all along - however, I was too stubborn, etc. to hear/listen).

She was ANGRY at that. She really could not talk to me. She wanted me to write it down so she could read it later but I know inside, she had reached a boiling point. She was going to leave for the night (no idea where - perhaps with the other guy, perhaps not) and didn't want me trying to find her. Of course, I accepted. I really do feel that she needs space and I have not been able to give it to her (I am a needy guy in panic mode right now - it is really hard for me).

I know I need to think positively. I know I need to be happy for my daughter. I know this is not going to be easy no matter how it goes. I just don't have it in me (yet) on how to do it. I wake every day at about 5AM just anxious. I am not happy, not relaxed....not comfortable. This sucks.

I will just need to 'keep quiet' when I want to beg and grovel and I need to open my ears and just listen when she feels like talking. Totally unnatural behavior for me as I really like fixing problems and this is one that I cannot fix - at least not quickly anyway.

And then I read the other night that this Plan A only had a 20% or so success rate....that bothered me too.

Ah well, work on myself and try and relax and one day, I will be happy again. That is the mantra right?

You are behaving like a doormat. Stop it! How is she going to respect you??

You went into her room, broke down, then later reported to her a counselor's findings of your areas of emotional brokeness that stems from your childhood that makes you incapable of having healthy relationships??????

igrip, GET A GRIP! Stop this enabling behavior! Stop taking ANY blame for this A! Your WW owns her A!

Listen to me. My childhood sucked. So did just about a million people I know. Everyone's got baggage, everyone had a puppy die and it scarred them, or they were overweight and got made fun or, or their parents verbally abused them, and much worse, but you get the idea. Do not confuse any childhood events with where you are today! Your WW is having an A because she had poor boundaries and an opportunity. SHE made that decision.

There may be personal goals you want to set to help your M be the best it can be, post-A. And you WW will need to do so, as well.

But your childhood issues DID NOT cause your WW's A!

:::stepping down off soapbox:::

My interpretation of her anger is that she's feeling angry that you are only now figuring this out, when she's been trying to tell you the same thing. Lots of wives feel that way, when their H's finally "get it" but the W's feel it's "too little too late."

Don't let that stop you. She may resent the fact that you didn't realize these things earlier, but that's no reason to stop using your new-found knowledge. It's possible that she will eventually be able to accept the "improvements".

igrip, giving her "space" is a very bad idea. If you give her space now, it will just enable the affair. You are doing the right thing in telling her you are aware of your past mistakes and showing your willingness to change, but you need to understand that she can and will use that confession as a license to further ABUSE YOU. It will be your job to PREVENT THAT.

You need to find out where she is and what she is doing. She is using her "ANGER" as an excuse to go off and shag her boyfriend. YOU SHOULD NOT GO ALONG WITH THAT! You should be doing everything in your power to stop her.

Remember who the victim is here, igrip. It is not HER. It is you and your DD. Keep this in mind and do your best to keep MAXIMUM pressure on her to end the affair. It will be your job to cause as much conflict in the affair as possible. If she wants to go away for the night, then insist on going with her. If she goes off to meet her lover, then call up the OM and go to meet them. Cause as much conflict as possible.

Most affairs DO END within 2 years, 95%, but most do not end in Plan A. Rather most end while in PLAN B because most affairs last longer than the 3 week to 6 month Plan A. So, dont let that scare you. The odds are on YOUR SIDE, not the side of the affair.

So, continue to keep up the pressure on the affair and DO NOT give her "space." Tell her that her affair is likely to lead to divorce if it doesn't end.

igrip, the typical WS will conjure up past grievances to use as a justification for her adultery. You have to take her complaints with a grain of salt and NOT ALLOW HER TO USE THEM AS AN EXCUSE TO CONTINUE HER AFFAIR. It doesn't matter how bad your marriage was, it is no excuse for an affair.

The best you can do in Plan A is express a willingness to repair the marriage in the FUTURE if she will end her affair. But what you cannot do is lose perspective so that she is actually using your conciliatory moves as further justification to continue her affair. While you might have been a terrible husband in the past, it does not mean you should allow her to ABUSE you now.

Her affair is more abusive than physical assault or RAPE. There is nothing you have done that is as abusive as that, so please keep some perspective on this and don't allow yourself to be gaslighted.

If she needs some "space" then clear out a corner in your garage for her and put a little lawn chair out there for her. But don't allow her to continue her abusive affair unimpeded.

I was in therapy for 20 years and did me no good. I did the same you did, blamed myself for my H�s desire to be with other women. And I told him so and what that did it gave him a reason more to believe he was entitled to it. He even thanked me one time and said:thank you for understanding how much I had to go thru and how un happy I was and how much i need my space�.(yeah how much I need OW!!!!!!)

Do not do that again. Do not make yourself weak or to blame in their eyes. They are already doing that and if you do it too they will feel even more entitled to the A and to a D.
Do not be a dummy like I was. I was a royal doormat. And you are on your way of being a royal one too. Stand up for yourself, plus, as a man your wife expects you to.
blessing

I just can't keep my mouth shut. I want to give her space, but I can't. Today, we spent the day together with baby...together in presence, but she was not with us mentally.

Everytime I ask anything, she nods her head saying 'we were done long ago.' So I asked her - tell me then, are you 100% ready to do whatever needed to get this over - be a divorced couple. She does not want to answer to spare my feelings, but she says 'we were done long ago.' There are no feeling left inside.

Pretty clear words. I just don't understand them though. Very upsetting to see and hear. Do I 'give up' and just continue improving myself and being a good dad to my daughter? Stop fighting for the marriage? I don't see where this is going....maybe one day, she will change her mind or maybe my 'cooling off' will have that effect on her. It is like a game, and I don't like playing games. I just want a marriage..this one...a good one which I believe this can become again. She doesn't see it though. I don't get this at all...thanks for any help, tips and advice...this forum is great.

Well the question is......are you in Plan A?

If you are in Plan A, NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. Got it? Good.

What are your WW's top 3 ENs? What have you done to meet them today? What will you do tomorrow?

What Love busters have you been guilty of committing in the past and how have you made sure you didn't commit them today? How will you do better tomorrow?

Do you see where I am going with this? You need to take your focus OFF of your WW and put it on you. Make yourself into the husband you should have always been. Make yourself into the man you HAVE always been inside. SHOW HER. Don't tell her. Don't talk to her about it. BE A GREAT HUSBAND AND FATHER TODAY, TOMORROW, NEXT WEEK. You can do this.

Again no relationship talk with a WW.