I couldnt find it. Can you link or PM it please?

Quick question. Alot of my family and stuff are upset of the way im exposing WW. They think its gonna backfire.

Can you give me a few statements that I can throw at them when they ask?

Affairs are based on and carried on in secrecy. The more people you expose to, the less secrecy they have. Plus the more people who know and can support you in the fight to save your marriage.

In the end, it doesn't matter what people think. As long as you know you're doing the right thing. Blow it wide open.

Of course they do think so, as you did yourself few posts ago. And as we all BS-s do.

But ask yourself, how many marriages they have saved? The founder of MB strongly insists to expose and he has saved tons of marriages.


In order to save your marriage, you have to kill this affair, your WW won't do this yourself as you have already seen.

The main statement should be - I'll do anything to save my marriage.

Yeg


Originally Posted By: YEGQuick question.
" Alot of my family and stuff are upset of the way im exposing WW. They think its gonna backfire."

Exposure is the best tool that a BS can use to KILL an A
You can live with anger FROM YOUR SPOUSE in the M but it won't survive with a 3rd person.


FROM THE NEWSLETTER:
So when a betrayed spouse asks for my advice, I usually take the position that infidelity is the greatest betrayal of all. After an affair, trust -- an essential ingredient in marriage -- is dashed. If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
The rest of the article.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

nESRE

The marriage counselor who I'm consulting specializes and infidelity, and he strongly recommended it. His philosophy is the best way to save your marriage is to kill the affair, and the best way to kill the affair is to expose your WS to the consequences of their actions. Affairs are like any other addiction (gambling, alcohol) and cheating spouses will only end their affairs when the consequences are too great to continue them. Basically, it's tough love.

Thanks guys.

Nesre thanks for linking that. SAA sometimes reads different to me than whats suggested on here. Amplifying information helps alot.

I talked to my parents yesterday. They already knew but i told them I was 100% committed to saving my marriage. I explained them that exposure was PARAMOUNT. That we had to cut A off at the head.

They also sounded like I did. That informing his command was harse. I told them that they BOTH did this together. He knew we were married. There are consequences he well knew prior to commiting the A. Why feel sorry for him? Especially if exposing him to his command can SAVE my mariage.

My mother reluctantly agreed. She is just worried about the baby.

Ive got the faith of the newly converted in the MB way. Im following my PLAN A now.

To continue my explanation from the previous post:

Most WS "get over" exposure once they get through withdrawal from their affair partner and they can think clearly again. At the point, they understand that committing adultery is way worse than just telling people that your spouse is committing adultery. They were just pissed that you spoiled their affair and they will say anything to manipulate you into keeping their dirty secret and say anything once you have exposed to punish you.

Most WSs don't leave their BS after the A is over because they weren't going to leave the BS before the affair. Otherwise, they would have left BEFORE the affair. No, they simply wanted to get the needs met that weren't getting met by the BS. The BS was still meeting some of their needs, but not of all their most important ones to their satisfaction. So once the affair partner is out of the picture, they want their needs met, and some are better than none. This is the opportunity for the BS to start meeting the needs he/she wasn't and the affair partner was, and meeting these needs will get the WS fully on board again in the marriage. Then you can set up boundaries together to protect the marriage from outsiders in the future.

This is the psychology behind Dr. Harley's strategy for using exposure to fight affairs, and he's usually dead on.

I understand the strategy and it makes sense. I buy into it. Im just like alot of guys are I think. My wife has always been private. Thats one of the factors that allowed this. Exposure went against the stuff Ive done for 7 years. Stuff ive been doing for the last 7 years obviously hasnt been right.

I realise now it was the correct thing to do. Im glad I did it. I know the storm that is brewing though.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, Yeg. You are so fortunate to have found MB before you went through what many of us have all ready lived through. There is no way of dealing with an A that is easy or that does not hurt.

I am still fighting the symptoms of PTSD because I handled my H's A so poorly. I set the R bar too low. I am convinced that any way but the MB way is like being raped and having your rapist move in next door to you. You tell yourself that chances are that he will never do it again but you live in constant terror and anxiety.

Make MB counseling a requirement of you staying in the M once she is out of her fog. You are doing great,Yeg. Some BSs take weeks or months to change their thinking and take the action that you have taken in the last 24 hours.

God's Blessings,

Say

I thought I'd posted it on your thread. Sorry about the chastising

Here ya go, in a reply on Andy's thread last week:

andy, in my sitch the OWH:
1. Wussed around for 3 months, crabbing at his W that he didn't like her having a 'special friend' who was male. She said he was "too controlling." So he shut up because he didn't want to make her mad. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

2. Threatened to expose the affair to me. And wussed out. OW and my FWH decided he was all bluff. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

3. Threatened to expose to their employer. She started coming into the breakroom every day, talking about what a jealous nutcase her H was and how she hated him, they were going to end up divorced because of it, etc. See what she was doing? She was spinning the potential exposure because he warned her he was going to do it. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

4. Called my FWH, in a 'man-to-man' talk, to convince my H to stop seeing his W. My H agreed that the relationship 'may' have started to drift into an inappropriate situation. But of course he was in the fog, AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

5. Called his MIL to tell her what her daughter was up to. WW didn't listen to the one lone voice in the wilderness. AND THE AFFAIR CONTINUED.

Finally, FINALLY, after dinking around for over THREE MONTHS, OWH exposed the A to their employer, their friends, the rest of their families, and ME.

THE AFFAIR ENDED THAT DAY.

Ya done good, YEG! Expect some negative reactions to the exposure. These will come from ignorant folks. And I'm not being mean, here, but they ARE ignorant in killing affairs. That is not their area of expertise, correct? Remember that. Do not be deterred from what needs to be done. In the end they will understand, but for now their opinion of exposure is of little value. What IS of value is that they support you in trying to save your M.

YEG!

First friend called

We were supposed to go to Charlotte today. I get to the house at 8 AM and shes still in bed. I made her coffee and set it up by bed with a card I got for her.

WW out of bed. MAD I made her coffee and ignored the card. WW took a shower and went down stairs. I asked her how the coffee was because i didnt know how to use new coffee pot.

Her answer - "You could always just call my friends and ask them!"

I just stood there tall. I didnt apologize and she didnt ask.

This is the first week ive ever felt like a REAL man.

She is literally stomping around the house in front of me trying to get me to respond.

Funny thing though. She is still going to Charlotte. Travel and getting out of the house is SUCH a big EN that even though she is livid with me she is still going.

Its gonna be a rough ride but im going to weather it like the man I am.


If she asks WHY I exposed her what do I tell her?

To save your marriage.

Waaa-HOO, YEG! Ride tall in that saddle! The day will come when she'll look at you as her hero!

Well, it's pretty simple, isn't it? You tell her the truth. You exposed this terrible thing because you love her and your M and will do anything you must in order to save it.

When she whines "But you didn't have to tell everyone! You could have just talked to me" blah blah blah, let her know that the secrecy method didn't seem to do much for killing her A.

Then repeat again "I love you and our marriage and will do whatever it takes to save it."

And then immediately go to:

"Hey, there's a neat little restaurant at the next exit. Wanta stop and get a bite to eat?"

YEG, you are doing great! It may not feel like it at times, but you are. She is going to resent you being nice to her. It will make her mad. Ignore it.

Stick to your guns here. You did do the right thing and you did it for the right reasons- to try and save your marriage. She is angry because you are shining the light of truth into her dark, secret fantasy.

When she does ask about why you exposed, just stick to the mantra, "I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage" and then try to deflect or change the subject. Try to avoid relationship talk if you can.

Remain calm, cool and consistent and strong in your beliefs. She won't show it, but she will respect that over time.

You feel like a real man because you are behaving like one. This is what I was trying to get at earlier. Taking positive ACTIONS is empowering for YOU. You will start to feel better and sort of 'rise above' the emotional calamity. The trick here is to stay consistent and to avoid LBs.

Also remember to have NO EXPECTATIONS! It is going to take some time for the fog to lift. Do what you can to destroy the affair and at the same time, meet your WW's needs as much as she will allow you to.

You really are doing great. Keep up the good work.

Never forewarn about exposing. Never use it as a bargining tool. Just expose. Expose now.

Worried about the baby. What baby?

baby = 4 YO girl