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How old are your kids?
8 girl & 10 boy Have the kids been told the truth about your affairs? Dr Harley is quite adamant that the affair is exposed, especially to one's children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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NO, the only email, I am asking for help and being honest, I starteed this question so I am not looking to hid, send me the link to the software and I will ask my company. I am with a financial company with private company and like my wife I may not be able to put sofeware on mt computer. I do agree that emails the way they are a too simple to get and create, so I do understand and want to be 100% open with eveything to her.
I will see if her parents will come out here. When I travel i stay in a copany condo with other men (there is a no female policy, but am willing to pay out of my own pocket as I actually want to BE WITH HER)
Hopefully I will get a new job by net week and make the travel piece a mute point
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no our children have not been told about this latest affair
I will tell them tonight
Last edited by ihurtsomeone; 05/09/10 03:21 PM.
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NO, the only email, I am asking for help and being honest, I starteed this question so I am not looking to hid, send me the link to the software and I will ask my company. I am with a financial company with private company and like my wife I may not be able to put sofeware on mt computer. I do agree that emails the way they are a too simple to get and create, so I do understand and want to be 100% open with eveything to her. You don't need to ask. As long as you can access the internet outside of their server, you can put it on there. Its not that hard. And if it is detected by your IT people you can simply tell them the truth that you have a cheating problem and your wife needs to see your activity on the computer. Here is the thing you have to understand, IH, saying you are HONEST is worthless. Cheaters always lie. It is just empty talk. You will have to PROVE your honesty by backing it up with actions. And you should be willing to do whatever it takes to PROVE your honesty. Do you have your laptop at home today? If so, you can go here: spectorpro.com and download eblaster together with your wife. You can do this today. Let her set the password and designate the target email so she can get reports throughout the day and see what you are doing. I will see if her parents will come out here. When I travel i stay in a copany condo with other men (there is a no female policy, but am willing to pay out of my own pocket as I actually want to BE WITH HER) good idea! Hopefully I will get a new job by net week and make the travel piece a mute point good deal!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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no our children have not been told about this latest affair That would be a good place to start. In addition, it would be helpful if YOU spoke to both sets of parents and told them yourself. This affects both your families and they will need to hear your assurance that you have a PLAN and are willing to go to any length to prevent this from happening again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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no our children have not been told about this latest affair
I will tell them tonight GOOD MAN! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi, ihurt, I have cheated numerous times and am looking for advice, to stop the hurt I cause and how to actually have a functional marriage. In order to give you advice on how to stop having affairs, perhaps we could start with each one. Who were these women? Could you take us through one at a time? How did you find them? For example, were they through Facebook or through work-based email? Could you take us through how each affair started, and what each involved? How did you and the ex girlfriend re-establish contact? When you are able to identify the starting points, you can see what precautions are needed to eliminate those vulnerabilities. I want to be with my wife. I do love her, just show her in a terrible way. Having affairs is not showing your wife that you love her in a terrible way. It is not showing love at all. It is the opposite of love. You cannot show someone you love them "in a terrible way". That does not make sense. Terrible behaviour of any kind is not a demonstration of love. I normally push things under the rug and don't want to fight. I dont share for the most part because to avoid added conflict. I project this on my wife and my family by being self centered and [u]looking for attention, even if for the sake of stoking my ego. Would you say that stoking your ego has been at the root of your affairs?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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p.s. do you have a work laptop? Is it at home? If so, I would fire that baby up and give your W the password and let her do as much looking as possible. Then you can download eblaster together. Doing that would make you look like you are SINCERE when you say you are willing to do what it takes to make this right.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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yes the root of my affairs has been my ego, my need for attention, my needing to be validated, this can go on... all issues that drive me nut and I hate about myslef
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I want to do things over, do it right, knowing that I have always hurt her, my kids, my family. Where do I start, where do I go? Start here by listening and absorbing, and when it gets tough, man up and stay posting. Post honestly, expect your thinking to be twisted, since this is what got you where you are today. However tough you think it is to be on this forum, it's a piece of sand in comparison to the hell that she is enduring. It's good to see you here ihurtsomeone.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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Hi IHS...
Welcome to MB - I sure wish this welcome didn't come under these circumstances...Your wife is one of my favorite posters here, so to be frank, I'd really like to drop kick you right now, but I will refrain at this point as you seem pretty humble and that is a very good thing...Honesty and a humble heart are critical from a WS that wants recovery...
I hope this humbleness remains and is not just the result of the shock at being caught again...I worry that it may be what an alcoholic experiences as the sting of his last drunk - something that can and will wear off very quickly if he doesn't immediately enter and work a recovery program...In other words, you can't afford any time lapses with ACTIONS towards recovery - no excuses! Do not take a few days off and then come back apologizing because you got "busy" - IMO, you must be here posting DAILY for accountability - The MB forums must become like AA meetings for you - How do you feel about that?
I am a FWS [former wayward spouse] myself [one affair - approx 3 months in length with an ex boyfriend - dday was 5 years ago - our marriage is recovered], here are some things I would recommend in addition to posting here and what Mel has already told you...
1. IMMEDIATELY begin reading Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley...
2. Read ALL the links on this site regarding adultery...
3. Volunteer to take a polygraph - let b_r choose the company that administers it.
4. Have a GPS tracker installed on your car.
5. CALL and schedule an appointment with Steve Harley first thing tomorrow morning - Do NOT go ask b_r if you should do this, be proactive - DO THIS ON YOUR OWN - Let Steve guide you - Do EVERYTHING he says. [the coaching center link is at the top of this page - let me know if you have trouble finding it]
Start with that...
You are a serial adulterer. You have proven that you can't be trusted around members of the opposite sex. Your list of extraordinary precautions must be IRON CLAD - they must become RELIGION to you - I would suggest asking tst to help you formulate that list - he is EXCELLENT at that - and once your list is complete, you should laminate several copies of it - one to keep with you at all times - one for your bathroom mirror - one for your car - one for your desk - I mean EVERYWHERE - Heck, wallpaper your new office with it - you must eat, live and breathe EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS - that is the ONLY thing that will protect your wife and family from you...It's the only shot you've got at keeping your wife and family - there will be NO MORE sweeping it under the rug - you must become an open book in ALL aspects of your life...
What do you think?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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How many affairs have there been? 5 2 about 10 years ago, 1 about 7, 1 3 years ago (this on was physical I made effort to see her), last one just ended and was 3 months long Can you clarify when the last one ended?
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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yes the root of my affairs has been my ego, my need for attention, my needing to be validated, this can go on... all issues that drive me nut and I hate about myslef IHS: This is bullsh!t. And if anyone knows it, I do. You had all these affairs because you could. And you will have another one. If you are still here next weekend, I will be surprised. Because BR has been here for a while and she is tough. And you just posted, that your A's were HER fault cuz she didn't stroke you enough. So pull your head out. Start reading. Open yourself to BR, and maybe, just maybe, you have a shot. Its a narrow road, and YOU HAVE TO LEAD ON IT. Since BR KNOWS this stuff, she will accept no BS from you. You can do it. TST did it. So did I. Join us in the light. LG
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I agree on all counts, I have been reading for a while and mostly through, I will read the book and agree on all other items. I will call for appt tomorrow, thanks! Hi IHS...
Welcome to MB - I sure wish this welcome didn't come under these circumstances...Your wife is one of my favorite posters here, so to be frank, I'd really like to drop kick you right now, but I will refrain at this point as you seem pretty humble and that is a very good thing...Honesty and a humble heart are critical from a WS that wants recovery...
I hope this humbleness remains and is not just the result of the shock at being caught again...I worry that it may be what an alcoholic experiences as the sting of his last drunk - something that can and will wear off very quickly if he doesn't immediately enter and work a recovery program...In other words, you can't afford any time lapses with ACTIONS towards recovery - no excuses! Do not take a few days off and then come back apologizing because you got "busy" - IMO, you must be here posting DAILY for accountability - The MB forums must become like AA meetings for you - How do you feel about that?
I am a FWS [former wayward spouse] myself [one affair - approx 3 months in length with an ex boyfriend - dday was 5 years ago - our marriage is recovered], here are some things I would recommend in addition to posting here and what Mel has already told you...
1. IMMEDIATELY begin reading Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley...
2. Read ALL the links on this site regarding adultery...
3. Volunteer to take a polygraph - let b_r choose the company that administers it.
4. Have a GPS tracker installed on your car.
5. CALL and schedule an appointment with Steve Harley first thing tomorrow morning - Do NOT go ask b_r if you should do this, be proactive - DO THIS ON YOUR OWN - Let Steve guide you - Do EVERYTHING he says. [the coaching center link is at the top of this page - let me know if you have trouble finding it]
Start with that...
You are a serial adulterer. You have proven that you can't be trusted around members of the opposite sex. Your list of extraordinary precautions must be IRON CLAD - they must become RELIGION to you - I would suggest asking tst to help you formulate that list - he is EXCELLENT at that - and once your list is complete, you should laminate several copies of it - one to keep with you at all times - one for your bathroom mirror - one for your car - one for your desk - I mean EVERYWHERE - Heck, wallpaper your new office with it - you must eat, live and breathe EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS - that is the ONLY thing that will protect your wife and family from you...It's the only shot you've got at keeping your wife and family - there will be NO MORE sweeping it under the rug - you must become an open book in ALL aspects of your life...
What do you think?
Mrs. W
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I said these were all MY issues, hense the references to "MY" and how I hated that about myself, thanks for all your help. I have the big issues, and I am asking for advise and help. We both have issues, neither one of us talk in our marriage (mostly my fault) for years, both of us lie and hide things on a daily basis. I want to do something about it, if you have constructive feedback, now that I am open for. yes the root of my affairs has been my ego, my need for attention, my needing to be validated, this can go on... all issues that drive me nut and I hate about myslef IHS: This is bullsh!t. And if anyone knows it, I do. You had all these affairs because you could. And you will have another one. If you are still here next weekend, I will be surprised. Because BR has been here for a while and she is tough. And you just posted, that your A's were HER fault cuz she didn't stroke you enough. So pull your head out. Start reading. Open yourself to BR, and maybe, just maybe, you have a shot. Its a narrow road, and YOU HAVE TO LEAD ON IT. Since BR KNOWS this stuff, she will accept no BS from you. You can do it. TST did it. So did I. Join us in the light. LG
Last edited by ihurtsomeone; 05/09/10 04:19 PM.
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yes the root of my affairs has been my ego, my need for attention, my needing to be validated, this can go on... all issues that drive me nut and I hate about myslef Ahhhhh, an admiration junkie! I understand this. That was me too. I tell you what though, real admiration...deserved admiration...from the only people that truly count in your life [your family] feels about a MILLION TIMES better than the fake baloney that is provided from adultery - I mean really, do you honestly think that any of that stuff was REAL? Who could admire a man [or woman] willing to lay down the lives of their spouse and children for a cheap thrill? That's not admirable at all! Also, do you realize that needing validation from others robs you of all of YOUR POWER??? Truly the only validation that's worth anything comes from God and the man in the mirror. Obviously, the validation of your spouse and children matter too, but if you are doing admirable things and God and the man in the mirror approve, you can bet that your wife and children will also... Are you a Christian IHS? If so, here is a verse that helped me tremendously with this issue... I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalm 139:14There is your approval - you've had it since you were created, now it's time to be the man God intended for you to be...the man I'm sure you intended to be - I don't know about you, but when I was a kid dreaming of who I would become, I never included "adulterer" in that dream...bet you didn't either...Step up and be who you were meant to be... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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We both have issues, neither one of us talk in our marriage (mostly my fault) for years, both of us lie and hide things on a daily basis. I want to do something about it, if you have constructive feedback, now that I am open for. The difference, IH, is that she didn't have an affair. Now would not be a good time to bring up her faults after what you have just done to her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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IHS~ I'm glad you agree with me on the steps you must take - one of those was for you to ask tst for his help with your extraordinary precautions list - so, ahem, ASK HIM, dude!  I read your last post to LG - I would caution you about using phrases like "we both lie and and hide things from each other on a daily basis" - know why? Because while that may be true, right now you need to work YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET ONLY - Stay far, Far, FAR away from taking b_r's inventory - that's NOT your job - Face it, taking your own inventory is a daunting enough task - you've got enough on your plate with that, yes? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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The screen keeps jumping when quoting.
Mrs. W-
I agree, I have always had an issue with validation, admiration, need for attention, and it typically sets me back, and I know it takes away my POWER, I shouldnt care. And your quotes are right on. I do hate this about myself, that and my other issues that i know drives everyone crazy along with myself.
So, I understand the quotes but how do you go from having this inner need for attention and caring what "a bunch of nobodys" thinks to get by without it being important to me.
Last edited by ihurtsomeone; 05/09/10 05:11 PM.
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AND, right now IHS, I wouldn't advise b_r to be an open book with you - she needs to play her cards close to the chest, and you will have to accept that - you have proven yourself untrustworthy - would you willingly share everything with an untrustworthy person? First, you must prove yourself to be trustworthy, and let's face it, that ain't gonna happen overnight...
To give you some idea, there were some things that I didn't find out regarding the ending of my affair for about a year and a half into recovery - I was far too foggy and dangerous to be trusted until then...Mr. W was WISE not to trust me - I am glad that he didn't...
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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