Any suggestions on this non-stop headache? Even my FACE hurts. This constant pressure. I have tried 800 mg of Advil twice and it does not help me!

Press on the space between your thumb and forefinger, grasp it with the thumb and fore of the other hand and gently press in the space just between the bones.

Get on your knees and ask God to relieve you of this pain.

Both have worked for me.

I will try #1. I am not religious. Thank you, though!

I will get through this, right? I cannot hurt forever. I cannot believe the person I have turned into. Letting someone else decide my emotional state. I went into this with eyes wide open, with the best intentions. With a full and happy heart.

I think I just figured out why I am making myself physically sick.

He came to me a couple of months ago to let me know that he has a week-long conference coming up in California. Since he has brought this program to the district, it is important for him to be there.

She will be there.

He said to me "I am not going without you. If we cannot make it work out for you to join me, then I will not go".

We have exhausted all of our resources to find care for the kids (with plently of notice, as this would not be until August), but no one can. My parents both work and his parents said no. All of my friends have full time jobs, I have no siblings, my brother in law is not involved but for Christmas. We have come up dry.

He has yet to cancel his plan to go on this trip. I have access to all of his communications and I just found an email this morning in which he confirmed he was going (also including me). Now we will owe $440 for a plane ticket they are purchasing for me, and I CANNOT GO. I have asked him 3 times if he has canceled, and he keeps saying we have plenty of time to work out care for the kids. We have never been gone overnight for more than a weekend from them before, I am not handing them off for a WEEK while we are out of state with just anyone we can find.

*****

He just called while I was writing this. He said he has a meeting after school today. I thought he was going overnight to help his friend at a festival about an hour away (they BBQ), but he said "you are more important than some stupid festival". Which felt nice to hear. Until he followed it with "I tried to talk to you about it, but you just shut down, so I figured I couldn't go, anyway". He is right, though. I did shut down. He has tried to be gone 4 weekends in a row (besides Mothers Day, but you know how that went). Not that I was holding out hope he would do something nice for me this weekend, but I am SICK after all, as are 2 of the kids. So I told him it was fine for him to go because I would rather he go and enjoy himself than sitting at home resenting me because he didn't (which he tends to do). That I would rather him go so I did not have to watch him NOT pay attention to me. He said that it was not fair of me to say (I am obviously not communicating well, but I am just so tired and over trying) and that he does pay attention to me on the weekends. I reminded him of our several conversation about how I am not interested in having a Weekend Husband, I need more than attention 2 days a week. Then he insists that he only works one hour an evening on his computer. Which is utter bullsh*t. More like 3 hours a night. It is always on his lap. He considers the fact that we all sit down as a family most every evening for dinner (in which he does not engage in conversation with anyone, eats and gets up and leaves the table when he is done) as time with me.

Really?

*SIGH*

He is so tired of me and I am so tired of him.

1) Make sure that you are being pleasant to your DH when he is home. If it isn't a nice place to be, he isn't going to want to be there. Yes that will be hard.

2)
You two need to POJA...instead of him being resentful of staying home, you were resentful of him going. Neither case is good. What could have been a compromise? He goes with the kids?

3) Your DH is really trying to have you come to CA with him and that is a GOOD THING. He is trying to set it up so he won't be alone with Her. You reallllllly need to do everything you can to be here. Otherwise he hears that he needs to be with you but then YOU are not the one wanting to WALK your TALK. Surely you have a friend who can help you out if you discuss how important this is to your marriage.

Oh, I know - I was very pleased when he came right home after finding out about the conference and about her being in attendance. He has done a great job the past 2 years to make me feel safe when it comes to her. We have FOUR children. We have limited resources for them to be cared for for a week. It is what is i, I cannot pull something out of a hat. He did tell me, though, and in a way that made me feel that he would stay true to his word, that he would cancel - not a problem, if we were not able to procure care for the kids. Well, here we are and he been pushing forward with the trip. Which hurts me. What I need from him is to say "we tried, but you are more important than this conference" and let them know. It is not fair to me OR his work to continue on like everything is fine.

No, I do not have a friend who can watch my 4 children for a week. My 3 closest friends are all single mothers with jobs.

I am in a really bad space right now. I do not think I could put a smile on my face if I tried. It physically hurts. I mean, truly - my face hurts. The moment I put on a smile, my H hopes that means we can sweep whatever is going on under the rug. I am tired of doing that.

He is not on board with POJA. I have a few Harley books and he thinks it is not possible.

Now he told me he wants to get away this weekend to get away from my anger. I am not angry. I am hurt. I have not communicated much at all this past week because I am just so tired of asking for my needs to be met and getting told he is too busy with work.

Say, "Great! Me, too. Where are we going?"

Well, the original plan was we were both supposed to go. We have no one to sit with the kids (even though his parents live in the town this event is at, but that is another post lol).

Since I cannot go, he is very much wanting to go without me.

So he just told me that I am not taking into account his hurt right now. I literally have no idea what he is talking about because he NEVER TELLS ME. What hurt? He says he does not WANT to work as much as he does, but he HAS to. He feels its a damned if he does, damned if he doesnt situation. If he doesnt give me the time I need, I get upset and our home/love life suffers. If he doesnt give his work the time it needs, that suffers. He gets bombarded with demanding people all.day.long. I honestly do not know how he deals with some of these people, one of the things I admire about him is how he handles them. But its a double edged sword for both of us.

In yet another attempt to come to some sort of ... idea, I just emailed him this:

If you want to know what my current needs are, I can tell you. Do we need to come up with a time frame? I am willing to compromise to get what I need from you. I will say that 2 days a week is not enough. What would work for you? They are:

Affection
Attention
Sex
Conversation (that does NOT include your job - I do not think we have had a conversation outside of your work or the kids in a very long time).

Are those needs that you feel you can meet? Do you feel those are unreasonable? Attainable? Outlandish? Doable (hopefully the sex is "doable" lol).

for the past 6 months SF has decreased from 5 to 10 times a week to once a week? meaning you guys were having sex up to 10 times a week?

if it makes you feel any better, for the past 8 months, my wife and i have gone from SF ONCE, maybe twice a week, to maybe ONCE a month...

what i would give for my wife to call me up and tell me to get my butt home during my lunch break for SF...i'd die from shock or have a wreak on the way home...

Gdar, I remember you from before. Your H worked with OW for a while after your d-day, right?

Aside from this upcoming trip, are you absolutely certain they have no work contact with each other, even occasional?

Even if they don't, I am wondering if knowing he would again see her at conferences, etc, has kept him foggy ~ because that's how he sounds to me...foggy.

I am really sorry you are going through this!
((gdar))

Mr Anderson, you are correct. What a problem my husband has, right? lol

Susie, they do not work at the same location, so they do NOT see each other. I have full access to everything, there has been NO contact. She is blocked from even contacting him via email or FB. This would and has been the one and only conference they would attend together, being they no longer work together.

Thank you for the hug. I freaking need it.

I believe my husband is a workaholic, but one that KNOWS he is, but will not make the changes he needs to fix it. He wants to be the best at everything, always has, and he needs people to think he is top dog. Everyone but me, I guess.

My heart is feeling a bit better as the day wears on and we talk, but my head and face are still POUNDING and it won't stop. I hope it doesn't stay this way all weekend. I bet you if he took the time and just touched me in a caring way, it will melt away.

gdar, I think you are right to be alarmed now that it seems he is going to go to the conference with OW w/o you.

What are you going to do if he doesn't cancel? That would be a dealbreaker for me, period.

{{{more hugs}}}}

No, he will not be going to that conference without me. He would not do that. It would be a dealbreaker, he knows that. I do not think we have come this far (in regards to recovery from the EA) to take those steps back.

I really think he believes somehow, we will both go. Without a plan in place to make it happen.

Ok, hubby wants to go on a date tonight (2 of the 4 kids have plans) and I have lost my front tooth.

No, I am not kidding.

I am in the process of a tooth implant and my "flipper" is missing. I am literally sitting here front toothless. Um, this will not work for a date night. LOL

Ask your husband to get the childcare for his trip out of town. Then, you will be able to go with him.

OMG, I could've written this...