Yes, I have asked. He is busy and stressed with work. Same answer I have heard for almost 5 years now.

I feel I follow O&H, but the past few months have been much harder than usual because if I tell him how I am feeling, he cuts me off and says some rather harsh things, and then I no longer feel safe sharing. Lately, if I say anything that is not a glowing comment about his awesomeness, he is rude.

Well your kids are old enough to talk directly with their dad. Do they have their own phones? Do they tell him when they are disappointed in him?

If you had an IM you would have them reiterate the arrangements that were made and he broke. What are his consequences for dropping the ball?

Have you read up on parallel parenting? My kids are teenagers and I can't even remember the last time I talked to my ex. I don't even have his number.
Parallel Parenting

For your own peace of mind I would get an IM.

What do you say to him when he's being rude? Can you afford the coaching center? Steve is excellent with getting Husbands onboard.

Thank you for the link, I will be reading that.

The kids have phones that their father bought them several years ago, but he isn"t very good at paying the bill, so off and on (and for the past 2 months), they have been turned off. He makes more money than we do, and only has to pay for himself. There are 6 of us, so I cannot afford to add more to the monthly budget by purchasing them phones and paying for 2 more lines.

The kids have expressed their disappointment to their father for the last 4 years, but his attitude is "you are the kid, I am the adult, I do what I want, not what you tell me I should do", so now they clam up and are afraid to talk to him. It just never gets them anywhere, so they have given up. Like I said, the oldest refuses to go with him most of the time.

There are no immediate consequences for him when he drops the ball. Over time it has resulted in a poor relationship between he and the kids, but he still chooses what he wants to do, over what he should do (be a parent).

I am looking into what we can afford. Today it is official that he is now a principal at a high school, so that will be a pay increase. As it is right now, no, we cannot afford it. I came back here to "refresh", go back over the material, and read through this 2 year long post. Eye opening to see I am in the same situation I was 2 years ago.

I ask him to please talk to me in a friendlier way. Or I tell him that when he talks to me like that, it hurts my feelings. Last week, one of his replies to letting him know he was being hurtful was "oh, whatever, quit being so waa-waa". In all seriousness.

Ok since you can't afford the coaching center what about the online course?

If neither of those what about emailing Dr. Harley? If you're a caller then you can talk to him and give him the full story. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Have you tried this? How to create your own plan to resolve conflicts and restore love to Your marriage

Also did you listen to the radio clips I posted on blended families? Do you have the book His Needs Her Needs for parents?

Gdar, I am so sad to hear this.

I've written Dr. Harley about this very issue in my M, and he has encouraged me to "not stop complaining," while keeping my complaints free of LBs. Sounds like that is exactly what you are doing.

I've even had the experience of my H saying my complaint 'implies disrespect,' even when I keep it entirely free of LBs and simply ask for a change in behavior (sounds similar to that "not a glowing comment about his awesomeness" thing)

Dr. Harley's last email to me said:

"...When their wives tell them that it upsets them (makes love bank withdrawals) they have a choice. They can either accommodate their wife�s sensitivities and preserve Love Bank balances, or keep doing insensitive things and lose their love. In your case, your husband has chosen to lose your love for him.

He must learn not to do anything she wants if it�s not something that he would also enjoy. He also learns to avoiding doing anything that she would not enthusiastically agree to, not as a sacrifice, but as simply being thoughtful. Your husband has never learned that lesson, and your marriage may end because of it. However, there�s always a chance that he can see it�s wisdom and change his approach to marital problem-solving. My next article will explain all of this, so if he�s willing to read it, he may see the light. Otherwise, your marriage will not survive."

He even talked about my email on the radio program (it was either April 4th or 5th) and said the same thing. I've also heard him say recently, "It's not a 'real marriage' if someone refuses to live by the POJA and meet their spouse's ENs and avoid LBs."

The advice I receive from posters here is sometimes different from what I hear Dr. Harley say. I would encourage you to continue to be O&H, continue to avoid LBs, and continue to encourage your H to meet your ENs. Since you cannot afford Steve's help right now, I would do a 3 week Plan A campaign (if you can bear it). Then, if he keeps refusing to join you in creating a great marriage, I personally would go to Plan B....I wouldn't wait another 2 years.

I would love to hear your progress...we are in similar situations, I believe. Sometimes no matter what a wife does, the husband doesn't get on board. Perhaps separation will motivate him to do the right thing. If not, then in my opinion you've lost nothing but continued heartbreak and pain.

(((Gdar)))

I have the book, yes. I have been on the radio show, yes (buried back in this thread from 2 years ago). Their suggestion was to get as much kid-free time together in the summer as we possibly can. Which we did our best, but did not really happen. This summer we will be able to do that more often, as our older 2 are good babysitters.

I read the links, yes. I have been here for too many years, and have tried to MB on my own, which obviously does not work. I am trying to brush up, read, learn more and hope that this summer my H will get on board. Being he just received this promotion, he loses any time off he would have had. The last year or so was much better than the previous 3, so I am taking that into account.

, indeed. Thank you. I would love to see some progress, too. We have fallen back into our old habits the past couple/few months, and instead of being able to come out of it like we had been doing this past year or so, I was afraid we would go back too far and I would be a train wreck like I was 2 years ago. I am hoping beyond hope that starting this principalship (2x as many students and a lot more staff) we can be stronger. This will be an emotional toll on both us, which results in an emotional toll on the family.

Well, poo. I have looked high and low, and I cannot find my MB books. I recall throwing them out in a fit of "this doesnt work", but then taking them back out of the trash when I calmed down (this was a couple of years ago). Now, if I could just recall where the heck I put them.

There is no way we are going to be getting our 15 UA time for the next few weeks, now that he will be a Principal of TWO schools until the year is out, mid-June. I imagine we won't be seeing much of him before 9 p.m. This time of year is always hard on us, so I need to stay strong and just get through it.

If you don't work the program then how can the program work for you?

So Gdar, that's two weeks.

It sounds like you are strategically timing your conversation til his school is out. I could see how his past lack of responsiveness (and defensiveness) could make you gun-shy and want to wait for the 'perfect opportunity' - or at least an opportunity with more hope of success.

I wonder if fear of a not-so-positive response ever tempts you to put off these critical conversations. Or if you're just a truly savvy wife who understands the wisdom of timing.

You know yourself best, whether you are governed more by wisdom, or by fear.

My personal experience with complaining is that when I delayed it, my marriage was destroyed because resentment built up until I hated my H (my first go-around). Determined not to make the same mistakes again, I probably lean more toward the O&H route now with my complaints, keeping them free of LBs. However, for a long time my complaints just p*ssed off my H - I didn't get the lovey-dovey response I had hoped for. However, this brought to light more quickly the fact that my H and I have very different marital philosophies. The spiraling pain forced us to get help, and I am starting to see improvement. (3 forward, 2 back, but you know...) Our philosophies are starting to align, something which wouldn't have happened otherwise.

My personal opinion is that it's better to get stuff on the table than to try and 'suck it up.' One way or another, the problem will have to be solved. And if he's unwilling to work on his marital philosophy, better to know now and separate than to suffer 2 more years of pain.

The book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum helped me think through what was keeping me stuck in relationship ambivalence. It gave me the courage to deal with our issues, and gave a vision of what a great relationship should look like.

Gdar

I just wanted to say that your H is my H. I know how much it hurts. ((hugs))

What do you wish you had done differently two years ago, to avoid being in the same place you are in now? Do you think Plan B would have been better? Counseling with Steve Harley?

**EDIT**

Hi Gdar! Hoping you are holding up, and sending hugs your way.

((((((Gdar))))))

Gdar, I've waited a long time to pester you again. I'd love to hear how you're doing, and I'm still thinking about you.

Were you able to talk to your H about getting time together? Did he respond in an empathetic and loving manner?

I hope you are well. ~ Z