Gosh, it's been a long time.

So much has happened since I was last here and it's mostly all for the good where H and I and our family are concerned.

Jim and Mrs. Flint... My H finally put his wedding ring back on last September. I knew it meant a lot to me but the significance of it when it happened and how I felt about it was even greater than I anticipated.

One night I told H I wouldn't hold his ring for him any more. It had been in my jewelry box for almost three years and I returned it to him for his keeping. He placed it on his nightstand and I figured it was his to deal with. The next day, it was missing and I saw it on his finger. I think it was a huge moment for us.

The next benchmark in our healing was about a month later in October when H told me he forgives me for betraying him. This was something he had told me many times he would never be able to do. I didn't know what to do with it, actually. I mean, deep deep deep down I don't know that I've forgiven myself (yes, I still struggle with that when I'm low) but him having forgiven me had made it easier for me to allow myself to let go of what I did to this family. I will never ever forget the explosion I created in our M and I have made changes for the better since then, but the burden of being less-than who I should have been and the scarlet letter that I occasionally donned, I believe I have packed away because H has forgiven me.

And then last week, H told me he loves me. I hadn't heard him say that to me since April 2009 when he (I believe) absentmindedly said it at the end of a call after I had said it to him.

I had been sick and sleeping in the guest bed. He climbed into bed next to me and snuggled. He said, "I love you," and thanked me for supporting him and our family during this tough time with his job. I teared up, held him closely, and told him I love him too.

When I last wrote in October 2011, I told about the ultimatum I gave him. He agreed to read His Needs, Her Needs but that commitment after a few months. We got through the chapters on ENs but then he cancelled our meetings or wouldn't have read the chapter when we met for our discussion time. I eventually gave up asking him to do it. The book remains on his nightstand, bookmarked where it was over a year ago.

Even though we didn't do the book and he hasn't done any therapy, I think H has done a lot of introspection and he has come to realize he has to be accountable for his choices and their affects on him and the people around him. Part of this, I think, has been because of my enforcement of my boundaries. When something unacceptable to me is happening, I identify it and leave which leaves him to think about what just happened and why.

Also, being O&H about how his behaviors affect me has had an impact, I think. For quite awhile when my feelings would be hurt because of something he said or did, I either wouldn't respond or I'd be inconsistent in my responses. (You need only read this tread to see that.) When he'd engage in PA behavior or not apologize for something he had clearly done wrong, I'd accept it or just move on to something else.

Now, I point out what has happened. I come back when we're calm and talk through things with him and express my concerns, anger, frustration. I don't let stuff slide just because things might get messy. I don't fear messy any more. Things have no chance of getting resolved or changed if they aren't identified so I identify. No more walking around on eggshells.

I also believe I am better at meeting his ENs. If you recall, I was guessing at his ENs for a few years there. After finally doing the questionnaire, I discovered a couple of things I could do better and I think I am succeeding.

I'm currently unemployed and H still hates his job so the stress of that is present in our relationship. But unlike three years ago when we were in this same place, we trust each other and we want to do right by our family as an intact unit, not do right just for ourselves in case we divorce. Definitely a different vibe when you believe you have a committed partner in the same situation with you, wanting the same end goal.

We talk about the future, we snuggle, try to do UA time (though that's still not what it should be), and I believe we respect each other. I believe our M has healed from my cheating. I don't know that each of us as individuals have completely healed from it, but I believe our M has and it's stronger than it has been in over a decade.

Some have asked me what has gotten us to this point. First, I answer, is time.

Time we both took to make decisions.

Time we take more often now to react.

Time with each other.

Time to breathe.

Time has been critically instrumental throughout in so many ways.

Boundaries, as I mentioned above have been key. Understanding them, identifying them, enforcing them, and being consistent.

Learning about marriage and about how two people love each other and why, and how to protect each other was huge -- especially in my own recovery. Being able to identify my thoughts and desires and sort through my confusion about my M was very helpful and Dr. H's work played a big part in that.

Support from others was and is undeniably invaluable for me. Having people lift me up, guide me, set me straight, just listen, and be there through the good and bad... God has blessed me with the best family and friends as I've worked through the last 3-1/2 years and worked on myself and my M. Some of those friends I met because of this forum and for that I'm grateful. I no longer try to figure things out in a vacuum but lean on my H, God, and my loved ones.

I'm a lucky lady.

I hope y'all are doing well. I'll always have a place in my heart for the many of you here who helped me.

God bless.

Looking4

I joined MB when your story was actively on, and as an offender myself I followed it every day. It is SO great to hear that you have finally made it.

Looking4, what a wonderful update. I am so glad to hear that your marriage is doing well. I understand what you mean about getting better at meeting needs. It took me such a long time to discover that the key [in my marriage] was recreational companionship and the amount of UA time. I guess I didn't really believe how important that step was until we cut back and THEN I noticed the difference. In my marriage, like yours, it took a long time to really adapt, but I am glad we stuck it out. And I am glad that you stuck it out too.

Thanks for the update, you made my day.

Hello Looking4,

I had hoped you would return to let us know how you and your H were doing...

I know when I started reading your post my smile kept growing til I thought I had hurt myself...

You have grown so much!!!

I loved hearing how you were using the MB concepts to deal with the conflicts that come up in a loving, thoughtful way and discovering how to meet his EN's.

The UA time and recreation time is SO important and leads to very strong emotional and SF bonds which are so important to both of you. I know that for Mrs.Flint and I we reconnected through horseback riding and sports which we both enjoy so much.

There is a similarity in the biblical concept that when one spouse is not a believer that the M is sanctified by the believing spouse.

In your case YOU were the believing spouse in the idea that your M could be saved and you were able to show your H that a great M WAS possible.

You showed great courage and dedication in believing that was possible.

I know that must have been very difficult for you...

but...

In some ways it probably helped you to be able to understand how difficult it was for your H also to have the courage to let you back into his heart again.

I think that the empathy and forgiveness you both were required to have for the other actually helps the healing for both of you.

You mentioned TIME being the most important thing in your healing and we couldn't agree more.

Mrs.Flint and I were always of the opinion that you WANTED your M to succeed and would be successful IF your H gave you the TIME to allow it to happen.

Time allows for many things to occur, particularly the idea that a spouse can be loving, faithful and can be
trusted...

because you SEE them doing that everyday.

And everyday makes it more BELIEVABLE to you.

We are so very proud of you.

Please let us know once in a while how you are doing.

And please help post to the others that come here.

You have a story of success that they need to hear.

And we never get tired of hearing of success stories!!!

God bless.

Jim

Looking4!! I'm not sure if you're still floating around- but I see you checked in recently too!! That's so strange- we were both going through similar things at similar times (3 years ago or so). I just updated as well- we are doing great. I am so glad to hear that you're doing well too. I see our updates are about a month and a half apart- I'm not sure that you'll see this- but I'm so happy to hear of your H's progress and your progress in your marriage- that's so great to hear.

I can't remember my password for my old account- so I had to create a new one-- eeyoreee (I just added an "e")...

Its so great to see some of the old names around here....

E.