Keep going up the ladder until someone does something about it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Spread it all over the base yourself if you have to.

Maybe if they continue to try and sweep things under the rug, you can get a lawyer the deals with this kind of stuff and potentially open them up to legal action. Talk to you lawyer about this.

Im working the system now. OMis on his heels since I confronted him. I dont think he contacted the WW yet. Im sure he will but I doubt he will be doing it on MY cell phone. Probably just try to work around me and hope WW calls him from a land line I dont control. I told him I may not catch them chatting or meeting the first time but I WILL catch them and there will be hell to pay.


On a lighter not the WW and I had a really good night. I spent the afternoon with DD4. We made salads together and ran around the block.

When the WW got home we chatted alot. No relationship talk just normal chit chat about her day, how her friends were and DD4 birthday party this weekend.

We made plans to do some work at her grandma's old house and to go on a trip later in the month again. Which watched a couple of TV shows and called it a night.

I know that the Yo-yo tha is my WW will drop again. Its still nice to spend pleasant time with her. Im learning to temper my feelings/expectations though. Otherwise when the fog rolls back in and the alien pops out its too hard.

So the last couple of days have been pretty good. She seems to have got over the me moving in part. yesterday we talked about our days and random stuff for well over an hour. We watched 2 shows together and she even put her legs up on me. Its amazing how 3 weeks ago i took that for granted now its like heaven.

We are working on our daughters birthday cake together. SHe also allowed me to go to her grandma's house to put a temparary fix on a window pane that fell out.

She still doesnt want to be around me all the time and does go to her parents house (confirmed with GPS and call to parents house). Only thing I hate there is their pesky landline and cell phones which I cant track.

She is distancing herself physically from me. She says she is not ready to be held and hugged. I respect these wishes since forcing them on her just to meet my needs for affection would be a LB.

I have the GPS installed on her car. This time its mine and is prepaid for a year. The KL has also not revealed anything.

There has been no calls or contact from the OM since I confronted him. I think maybe he just thought I had checked out on my marriage and was waiting for the divorce. I dont think he EVER thought I would fight for her the way I am. I think the PROMISE to expose him again to his command if he contacted her again was effective. Time will tell.


So how should I feel?

She is allowing me to meet needs I havent met in years and seems genuinely interested in spending time with me.

Im avoiding relationship talk like the plague. I am complimenting her on her clothes and the great job she does with things. Im taking care of the daughter so she can do housework and relax some and have been going out of my way to help around the house.

She still hasnt agreed with NC though. im hunting and snooping for Affair phones and any evidence like crazy. Im asking her where she was the day in a polite way and she has been open with it. Even though I already confirm her location with track.

I think im to the point where I just have to be vigilent in my monitoring and avoid LBs and meet ENs she will let me. She still tells me that she is decided if our marriage is worth trying again. Especially since she knows that the OM will have to be out of the picture now since she was exposed.

Isnt it normal for them to put it off for a while? I know she is fiending for him right now.

I think im doing the right thing. just kinda need a warm fuzzy.

Keep up the good job. Yes, it is normal for the WS not to commit after NC is in place. My WW didn't show any commitment for almost six months after her last contact w/ OM. I didn't have SF w/ my WW for 4.5 months after her last contact (almost 10 months total, needless to say, I probably didn't last the longest that night).

You are doing things right, meeting her needs, avoiding LBs, and snooping to assure NC. If you are worried about her contacting OM at her parents, just let them know to watch out for you. I'm pretty sure you and her will get through this alright. Just remember it is going to take a while. Most succesful recoveries take at least two years.

Thing is she hasnt COMMITTED to NC. Right now its being kinda forced on her by me. There is nothing stopping her from picking up the phone and a friends house.

She TOLD me she wasnt going to contact him until she made a decision if she things our marriage is savagable. (We know what words are worth).

Ive done almost everything I can do to kill it though. It just seems like im in a do loop till she mentally commits to me again.

Now im holding OM to NC per my conversation with him. I made HIM a promise and a man keeps his promises.

BTW i watched fireproof for the first time last night. I was tearing up at the end. Just hits so close to home. Should be required watching for inspiration.


Not even sweating that. Sure being with her would be great but we havent had SF but maybe 2 times in the last year. Last time being octoberish.

Pretty much my needs are living on fumes right now. Occasionally ill say something or do something and she will just smile and me like she really appreciates it. That really cheers me up.

Don't worry about her not committing to NC. She's an addict, and even if she promised NC, it would probably be a lie. Just keep snooping and make it difficult for her to continue contact w/ OM.

Im the OMs worse nightmare. Im going to watch my flock

YES!!! Keep it up!!!!

What Jim said. You wouldn't expect a falling-down drunk to commit to important things, right? Not only that, if they DID would you take their word for it? Heck no - they're drunks! Same thing applies here.

You're doing great, YEG.

WW is currently in a self deprecating stage. Always talking bad about herself.

Like i mention how this myself and the OM had been fighting over WW for years. She made a comment "just remember what little yall are fighting over." She will be supercritical of how she looks and stuff too.

Seems like withdrawal depression but just checking.


had a good weekend. party went well. No hitches. In laws all played nice. no one took a swipe at the WW pinata.

We went tot the movies on saturday. First time in months. She was kinda down in the dumps. There werea few long looks like she alsmost wanted me to kiss her. Didnt try since she has been avoifing physical contact with me. We did hold hands in the car. That was a pretty good breakthrough.

Anyways everything seems to be going to plan

BTW This weekend im setting up a surprise date for us in charleston. Was gonna take her down to High Cotton (fav steak place). Its abouta 60 minutes away and we have early reservations so we can make it back home in time. Im wearing a brand new suit she is gonna love I picked out just for this night. Im really excited.

Question
Lets say the dinner runs too long. Do I suggest a room for the night or suck it up and drive back? I dont wanna make her uncomfortable but would love to curl up with her all night.

Too much too soon or just let her kinda guide me with comments?

Don't mention OM. That will only prolong withdrawal.

As for the date, I wouldn't suggest a room. Let her suggest it if she is tired.

Keep up the good work.

That makes sense. I havent mentioned him lately. I'll continue with that plan though.



Thats pretty much what I was thinking. I doubt she will suggest it and dinner is early enough that we can easily get home by 10ish at the latest.

One thing she is pressing is that she wants to take it slow. I think thats fair so im supporting it and not trying to press her into stuff she isnt ready for. She is starting to feel safe I think.

What happened with your friend and the military isn't surprising. The problem is that you are having someone do your dirty work for you rather than you doing it yourself.

If I was a commander and had a guy in my unit that was well respected and liked, I would need A LOT more than a third hand account of adultery to confront him.

If I had the woman's husband call me up and tell me that OM in his unit was having an affair, that would be a very different story.

I might ask for evidence and would certainly have enough with what you have to at least directly confront the guy and give him a good butt chewing and then issue him a direct order to stop contacting your wife. Any break of that order would be followed by a court-martial.

This is why it is important that YOU contact OM's chain of command and speak to his commander directly.

I agree completely here. I think you need to become personally involved in this for the CoC to give it the merit it deserves. Not to be done in a spiteful way, but just like any other exposure.

Wifes depression is just killing her atm. She jsut wants to sitt around all day and mope. I really wish I coulod livel her up more. In stead i just chit chat with her and tell her he hair looks great,

Maybe she will clear the flog for friday. we are going to hihg Cotton in charleston. Gonnahave some steaks with bernaine sauce.

Im all decked out in A blue pinbstrip number and lime green SHIRT and tie.

Maybe I need a nice cologne.

Other thing im doing is im giving and giving but the wife is basically just sitting there. She is just in such a depression.

Im assuming thats normal for this point.

While i was writting this I got a panic yell from the wife. Apparently DD4 hasa stomach bug and puked all over the wifes bed.

We gave DD4 a bath and i got all the soiled sheets and put them in the wash for her. She asked me to go get some cokes and ginger ale from the store which I did.

I had already taken my medicine for the night which includes ambien. It makes me very emotional so i sorta broke down. I was babbling a bit and the wife told me this.

She told me the reason why she was keeping me away was because she wanted to protect me from myself. She didnt wanna see me ruin the work i did. Pretty sure she was talking about the divorce.

Is this just WW babbling? Not sure how to interpret that.

Yeg

Don;t have much time right now but this article by Dr Harley talks about the partner going through withdrawal. It is mainly the bottom 1/3 near the bottom but the whole article is good.

Read Me

Sound like your W may be there which believe it or not is a good thing!

Nesre

I thought that might be it as well. Call it cautious optimism.

Problem for me is that the temparary hearing for the divorce is in late june. I do NOT want to go through the process but i want her to go NC before I call it off. Im trying to get the process started for a reconciliation agreement but I want to include her in that decision.

I know I cant make this marriage work by myself. I need her to want to save it too.

I know shes the equivalent of a falling down drunk still but I dont want to go through the pain of having the divorce over my head. I know in her depression its hard but its hard living seperated in our own house too.

PARENTS AND BROTHER THINK IM MAKING A MISTAKE

I spent the afternoon with the WW. She asked me to watch a show and we talked. The subject of reconciliation came up again. She told me she was still thinking about it. She told me that she didnt want me to stop the process yet because my parents would get on me for opening up legally to her. I told her that my parents would understand regardless.

She told me that after years of asking she is finally getting the things she always asked for. She just wonders if it is too late.

Then i get to my moms house. I told her that the WW is still thinking about it. Mom lays into me how she is worthless and I am oging about this all wrong. I should be avoiding her and letting her feel the pain of what its like without me. She says all im doing is rewarding bad behavior and encouraging another affair. The WW was always very secretive and mom says she cant live with that anymore.

Mom also says im doing all these great things for her and geting nothing in return. Im just gonna set her up on a pedestial and she will walk all over me.

IMO im making progress with the WW. She CANT provide for me needs right now. She is in the fog and is only 17 days after D-Day.

If I treat her well and make her feel safe eventually our love bank will fill up and she will WANT to meet my needs.

Please tell me im doing the right thing. I dont want to go back to being a weak man. She WILL have to make changes. First I have to show her the man I am becoming.

please give me some feedback that im not all AFU on the process.

Ya know, YEG, your Mom sorta kinda has MB thoughts in mind, she's just got them in the wrong order. She's being protective of her child. I can't fault her for that. You're doing the right thing. Keep it up.

Hi Yeg:

I have followed your thread with great interest and I am pulling for you.

I am 59 y/o and my wife had an affair several years ago. All that stuff is behind us and we are doing well.

What I see in your thread is that the two of you were VERY distant from each other and hence the affair developed. In one thread you implied that you used to sleep in separate quarters before d-day. At age 33 that is unthinkable and tells me the two of you were miles apart.

Affairs can develop even in perfect marriages where there is no distance between the spouses and even then it is difficult to have success.

You are only a couple of weeks past d-day and I can see your wife checked out a long time ago and hence this is going to take a very long time to work out.

Concentrate in maintaining NC for your wife and endure the withdrawal. Do not attempt to be romantic. IN doing so you probably look very strange to your wife because she was getting her needs met by OM for over four years.

Four years is a long time and you will have to have a lot of patience before she comes around. She needs to get over OM and this will take some time.

So I suggest PATIENCE and do not try to speed things up.

As for OM--------- you need to pay a personal visit to his COIC or NCOIC and discuss the issue.

I also believe that your wife is the type of woman that needs to have her ENs met 24/7.

I will say that I admire your tenacity and that you are on the right track. However, this will take a lot of time.