I think the struggle is that some times it is difficult to work out whether your talking about the ST we all know and love now, and the WW ST who wasnt so nice. Perhaps if you could be clearer it would help?

Hey ST, I've just gotten home from being at work most of the day.
I've quickly skimmed over your reply, at first glance, I understand everything that you say. I think that we have a lot in common, for different reasons, but I think that's why I get it.

I'll post back to you in the am, when I have more time, and can really think.

btw, I have no clue what 'stroppy' means, I'll have to google it!

real quick ..... "you make me think", I mean that in the best way possible!
I think in one of the first replies to you, I told you how I love your honesty, you are so real, and the fact that you ask for feedback is good.
That didn't make it into the post that was submitted. Prolly too much editing.

I think ST is just plain old ST. The changes are the EPs and the change of perspective on how a husband and wife should love each other.

sweety you are many things but plain isnt one of them

I just meant that sometimes when you write you move between the POV of WWST and FWWST and its hard to work out which one you mean.
I am assuming your not still thinking the things about J that you did during the A.

I'm pleased you get it. But I also appreciate that doesn't mean it is right.

I want to continue to contribute to the board and I want to remain honest. I hope that I do make people think. There are lots around here that make me think, sometimes I think and realise after careful consideration that I disagree with them and sometimes it certainly helps me see the way I behave or think in a different light.

For now I'm certainly holding firm here.

Betrayal is betrayal whatever form they take. But I also appreciate that 2 wrongs don't make a right. And I have a little internal battle going on at the moment - annoyance at myself for stooping and kind of pleased that I got one back. Cos it's bloody hard trying to be the perfect MB wife and shoring up boundaries,especially knowing that I have my change of life,my view, my behaviour relating to my A in check.

The only EPs I'm not practicing very well is enforcing boundaries and RH about how J's behaviour makes me feel. But that is because the opportunity to talk is in the evening and my brain is too exhausted then to fight my corner in a respectful, calm and positive manner.

But this is just honesty.

Maybe I'm suffering form lack of UA time and (unusually) IB on J's part.

IT's funny how sometimes the thought of UA time makes me cringe.

I read that thread about spinning and no traction.

MR W's post made me stop and think - I think that is how I feel but so deep down that even seeing it written there as a criticism didn't make me feel bad about reading it or recognising it in me.

The other one was the remorse:guilt post. Interesting that I feel total remorse by the definition there and not guilt when J comes to mind, but I do about the children.

Is that because I am so determined that I will not have an A again, but because I sometimes waver that repairing the M won't happen?

ST, my morning is not working out as easy as I'd hope, nothin' serious, just life stuff!

For now, here's my sense of what I'm reading from you.

It sounds like there is a lot of resentment towards J in the M.

If so, how do you think this influences your part in rebuilding the M?

Can you imagine the resentment gone, and how you would feel about rebuilding the M?

Just seen this. Posted as I was posting.

Everything that I have posted in the last few days is definintely FWWST, but that doesn't mean that I don't still think things about J that I did during the A.

This is all current ST thinking. I am not about to have an A.

Spooky!

I replied to you before I replied to Lil, but it has disappeared again. I don't think MB likes me.

Do you know what, I think there is resentment.

I think rebuilding the M would not be necessary if there wasn't resentment. It would be built.

Hoo boy do I understand this struggle.

I'll be 100% honest. There's a part of me that still feels kind of pleased I got one back. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but at the same time, my J now "gets" things in a way he never could grasp before, and because of that, he seems to understand and appreciate me in ways he never could before. For so long I had felt victimized by him because of his IB and EA's. But - I also realize now that it was MY fault for tolerating that from him for so long. I kept rationalizing it by thinking that I could see the wonderful man he was, if I could just get him to stop the IB and stop taking me for granted.

I'm not sure if any of that makes any sense at all.

I also wanted to say that you've helped me a lot ST, and I really appreciate it.

okay, good that you can recognize it being there.

Can you see how it's a huge block to rebuilding your M?

I wanted to 'get one back' at my H for years, not an A, but if he hurt about something, I didn't care as much as I should have.
I felt bad, but not as bad as I would now.
In my eyes, he deserved to hurt for the hurt that he caused me.
That thinking is the worst and if kept up, destroys a M.

If I still had that same load of resentment now, I'd be divorced, I guarantee you.
I could have used the A as one more thing to add to my long list of crappy things that H had done.

hmm, I think the opposite. That's one of the reasons why I asked you if you could imagine no resentment.

I think resentment adds one more thing to struggle with in the rebuilding process.
I can't say where we'd be if there was no resentment, cuz I'd be guessing.
Thinking about your post, has made me think that maybe my H still has some resentment towards me. IDK.
And does this have an impact on his repentance??? IDK.

I think that you are doing fine ST, like Mark said, repentance is a change in thinking or thinking for that second time.
You are doing that, from what I see anyway.

IMO, I think you are asking the wrong questions, maybe???

see my last post on that repentance thread, can you relate?

Where the heck is that Sere anyway, she needs to guide us both out of this!!! lol

Hi Broken Soul

Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes when I read about this site, I wonder about total honesty and whether people are really being honest with themselves - whether intentionally or not.

V, I certainly appreciate your words about being ok and so thrilled that you don't hate me. 'course your still in my good books


The way you have interpreted it now is the way I meant it. I'm saying that because J doesn't blame me for the state of the pre -A M; because he feels that the way he reacted to my disability and me having to care for a baby that no one else would (including himself) was very wrong.....

thought interruption.....

yes. We are talking about resentment and not repentance here.

Maybe it just is that he just doesn't have that resentment about the A so he doesn't feel the need for me to to prove myself in all ways. The changes that I have made are enough. Actually, I'm quite sure he does harbour some resentment too.

Where as I do still harbour resentment because although things are moving in the right direction with the ang man, he still has outbursts which trigger me.

I'm not sure whether I'm making any sense.


Life is actually bloody hard work at the mo. I'm just clinging on and sadly I just don't have anything for him.

I need to explain to him just how rough I feel, although I think he does get it because he was going to suggest I take some time off work.

He can't stand me not functioning properly - it annoys him. It has been annoying him but tonight (in the few mins I saw him before vball) he seemed slightly more sympathetic.

Maybe it annoys him cuz he doesn't know how to fix it. IDK.

Not sure if any of this has helped you ST, but what you have given me to ponder, has been good for me.

I think so too. Men typically want to fix things, and as emotional as we women are, I think that can be frustrating for them at times because there isn't always a quick fix.

Hello hello


I was going to post today about how lovely things are and how wonderful it is to have a husbandd back and that we've actually had sex.

And the kids and I are sat eagerly awaiting his return tonight - saying how we like tuesdays and daddy coming home to play and then he comes home in a foul mood because his tea isn't on the table and we've had ours. He was late home (picked up dog food) I knew he was going to be, so we didn't wait for him

Why oh why can he not be thankful for what he does have?
He is just off to play with the kids at the cricket field, yet is complaining that he never sees them. He is up and about helping out in the morning and being part of the family - yet this doesn't count as being with us.

"So what - I have w/e!" This is all he thinks he has out of his change of job.
Every w/e we are both in agreement about how good the w/e is. It is so so so much better for me and the children. All he wants is his time alone.

Bloody get on and schedule it in to your week then.

I am so p***** off. We were sat really happily - I was helping DD with her HW, DS was just finishing his dessert and we were saying how we like Tuesdyas' cos daddy comes in and we get time with him and then he comes and the reality is completely different to how we remembered him.

Man, I am so cross. SOOOOOOOOOO cross

Al he has done since he came home is complain about what he doesn't have. And of course it's all my fault. Man up, and take responsibility for yourself. Work out what the h377 it is you want and work with me to get it!!



Why oh why does he blooody well do this when I'm feeling good about life? Why does he do this just after we have sex?

I remember a time when use to happen around here. and when I pointed out he was a heck of a lot nicer to me when he was feeling frisky than when he was sated, I got the "your imagining it"

So..... is there a reason why he would rather you wait for him to come home for dinner before eating? Does he not like reheated in the microwave food? Or is he looking for some company while he eats?

Can you tell him some of the things you said here and encourage him to sit with you and do a brain storming session on what he wants? Maybe even ask why playing cricket and helping in the mornings isnt considered being a part of the family?

Thank you for your hugs

He wants the company while he eats. But I knew he was going to be late and the kids were like hungry wolves. I get let DS have a snackto keep himgoing - it's hard enough to get him to eat a meal anyway.
It was still warm enough when he came in to eat it - did need to warm up some baked beans though.

I see his point - but he's the father - not the spoilt brat 4yo.


I sent him a txt message suggesting he look at the beautiful blue sky, listened to the birds sing and took in the gentle flow of the river; look at his gorgeous children and maybe sit on the decking and have a look at the trees up on the hill behind the house.

I got a reply "I know, I know"

I only emailed otday tat I need to double check that he is happy and nt wanting for anything in case he is getting resentful becaue of his ailure ot discuss such things.

I didn't get there quite in time.


I just don't get the sex thing.

Hmm, I wonder if he would be okay with you feeding the kids earlier, and maybe just you two having a chance to sit down together and eat sans kids. I do that on occasion, even light a candle and set the table a bit nicer. Sort of like a mummy/daddy time but the kids are watching telly or something.


The sex thing, IDK, I am a chick too. I suspect (and I am open to being wrong) that the guys are nicer to us when they are feeling frisky because we are that little bit more alluring than usual - the testosterone dictates that. Once they have filled the EN of SF, we're less alluring and they can focus on other stuff. Ok for getting stuff done, but a bit hard on us when 20 mins ago, they would do anything we asked

{{{{{{ST}}}}}}

I'll be back later to talk to you. I've done a scan of your recent thread and want to take the time to read it properly before I reply.

Just initially wanted to ask if you have any thoughts about acting versus reacting? And also wanted to ask what strategies you have both worked on to deal with moodiness?

Communication is the key ST.

Speak soon xxx



PS - the sex thing. BB can strut around the house after SF like he's king of the castle and ruler of his domain. Used to kind of annoy me but now I think it's funny. He's always that bit more masculine, assertive and sometimes aloof after whereas before he can be extra attentive, needy and tactile.

Men!