You are doing the right thing. The best way to motivate her to make some changes is to show her that you've made some changes first.

hi Yeg,
You are on the right track, she needs to see and believe in the things that were missing in the relationship......
She has for years believed that what she needed wasn't going to come from you.
She wanted it to be you, she loved and married you......
Be the man she always dreamed you would be and eventually she will see that you are worth believing in and committing to your marriage...
She will slowly think of your needs and when you see some little things happening(holding hands in the car) you will know she is starting to think about the possibilities.......
You can not rush this, just enjoy spending time with your wife and being in heaven as you describe it. She will eventually fall in love with you again like you have with her......I'm always amazed at how it hits us that we really do love our spouses when we are faced with losing them........
I'm sorry we have to get to that point but it doesn't mean we can't get back to what we should have been doing in the first place....
I'm proud of you for trying and not expecting a whole lot yet.....
It's all worth it but it does take time.........

Thanks stanley. I appreciate the feedback. It really keeps me grounded on the bad days and is sort of my light at the end of the tunnel. Its nice to know there is hope.



Its true. She told me last June that she had been thinking about seperation. I thought about moving out but instead I moved intot he spare bedroom. Now I know that last June was about the time the PA started.

Looking back now I was a fool for letting it ge that bad. After we got married I slowly just let our marriage decay. I wasnt putting anything into it and eventually she reached out to someone else.



Agree totally.



Im watching the lines and she knows it. She tells me when she calls strange numbers. She has been fairly honest on contact since D-Day and there is no action on the KL, GPS or the phone in over a week. Cant find a affair phone either so I think she outgrew that.

I am taking her out on dinners and such. Im keeping the conversation light and avoiding physical contact unless she initiates it.I am taking her on day trips since that is a major need of hers.

She told me last night that she is finally getting the changes she wanted for years. She just wonders if its too little too late. I suspect If I continue to meet her needs and take it at her pace she will come to decide its worth it to give our marriage one more chance. Thats all I really want is a chance at recovery free of the 3rd person in our M.



Its hard. She is worth it though so im willing to wait.



In my conversation with him I told him if he contacts her again I will go up the chain. Ive decided I wont do it till he contacts her. They may be liars and dishonorable but I am not. I will keep my promise to him if he contacts her again.



She is. I always thought since she was so independant on the outside that she didnt. I couldnt have been more wrong. She just has DIFFERENT EN that I never considered. She doesnt crave affection or SF. She REALLY wants conversation, Recreational companionship and admiration though. If she doesnt get those she quickly loses patience and seeks them elsewhere.

She looked for these from me when her and the OM were engaged and now she went back to the OM for them when I was didnt provide them.



Well I have a very 1 track minds. Its a weakness. When i tend to want something I focus all my efforts on it. Be it work, play or my marriage. Im pretty much devoting all my time to her that she will allow me.

The key will be if we can get out of the woods. I have to take steps in my life to avoid falling into old traps. I now appreciate her more than ever so I should be able to do that.

If she says this again, just confidently state that it isn't too late. Lead by example. If you believe you can work it out, she'll start believing. Just keep meeting her needs and she'll start seeing that for herself.

Great point. There is no expiration date on lifelong vows (til death do us part).

Keep up the good work YEG.

My wife's No,1 EN is admiration. The reason she had an affair was because OM gave her admiration.

If your wife wants admiration give it to her even if it sounds too corny. Praise and praise non stop. What may sound like too much may be just right for her.

The need for admiration is a risk for an affair. So this can never stop----------------it has to be a life-long mission.

My wife still resonates and reverberates with remarks of admiration, her facial expression changes and it clearly hits home quite well.

Any woman that loves admiration is likely to avoid any judgmental remark like the plague. Do not challenge her because her defense shields will go up and she will stop talking.

Good luck!

It DEFINATLY yields results. I also agree that this will always be a weak point with her. SHe wants her ideas to be taken seriously. She likes me to say thanks you alot.

I thanks her for EVERYTHING now. Thanks for cooking. Mm the pot roast is great! I really enjoyed the movie tonite and spending time with you.

She eats this up.


That is EXACTLY my wife. She doesnt want me to give her solutions. She wants me to support her in HER discovery of them. If I press to hard she clams up. She just wants me to hug her and say everything is going to be alright.

Thanks for insight. Was unsure if I was meeting this EN right. I feel at least im on the right track now.

I read a big chunk of affair emails between my wife and her OM. The OM used the technique of admiration to the point of being extremely corny and excessive. Sometimes he was way over the top, however, it worked like a charm.

Women that seek admiration also love to be told they are beautiful at all times. You can say it several times in a row and the effect persists.


Perhaps I sound too sarcastic, but I believe this is true for the folks that need admiration.

It is also possible your wife may feel you are judging her with the way you look at her or even if you make a non-related comment about something else.

You will also discover that there are infidelity topics in the news, TV, and basically everywhere. You must be careful as to what you say about this.

I have 0 emails. Just massive phone logs and the PI report. I know from when THEY were engaged she would call me and just complain about how bad he was. That was the crack in the marraige that he exploited to slither back in. Then over the years she gave up.

She says this makes her uncomfortable. Instead I focus on how nice her hair is how good the dress or shoes look on her.


I was judging her before. Now when i talk to her I always look her in the eyes and smile.

Your not kidding about infidelity on TV. Its EVERYWHERE. I basically just ignore it because I dont wanna dwell on the past. I focus on my positive past and future and assure her that we can do it.

Quick update

Another positive day. We went to DD4 grad party. We sat together and we went out afterwards to eat. She brought up relationship talk. She basically asked why I wanted her back so bad. She pointed out he fact that she was distant, not affectionate and wasnt even close to meeting my needs.

I simply told her I wanted her back because I have faith in our marraige. I did bring up the fact that I get this from a strong conviction that God is looking out for our marriage. I didnt try to invoke a sense of religion on her though she claims to be religious and the "limbo" (her words) our marriage is in is terrible.

We ended up going for coffee afterwards. She once again brought up "to little to late". I stated that the changes I have made are real as is my love for her. She said she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me to get angry about her losing her job. Bizzare because her losing her job isnt even in the same realm as the pain her A has caused me.

Anyways we have our big night out. Looking forward to it. Even though she is still keeping her distance from me her hard candy shell is cracking. As always im cautiosly optimistic but im still watching for "outside influences".

I think you are doing a great job when spending time with her, keep telling her that she is worth the effort and that your marriage means everything to you...
Tell her it's never to late to change and learn....
Just try to meet her needs and eventually she will do small things for you as well, that's when you will know she is softening to your efforts...
Take your time and enjoy being with her again.......

Who did WW work for, and was it with OM?

Could her affair of caused her to get fired?

OM works for the military. WW worked for the government but in a completely different location and section of the government. Their work never overlapped.

As for her getting fired it was for cause. There was a date something was required to be completed by and it didnt get done. The paperwork got fudged instead of owning up to it.

Its seemingly unrelated but there is no telling if the guilt and turmoil in her life didn't contribute to the lack of judgment.

For my plan A im not focusing on past events. Im supporting her just watching DD4 and getting another job when she is ready. She is working part time and I make enough money to keep us fairly comfortable.

In the past I always worried about money more than her feelings. That was a serious LB. When asked about it I told her im just here to support her in whatever decision she wants to make. She is more important to me than an extra 0 in my account balance.

UPS AND DOWNS

Well tonight was our big date. WW has been ill for a few days. I met her at the house and went running then later picked up some stuff for her from the drug store. After i got back she mentioned that she wanted to go to a store that just happened to be in the city we were going to. Thats when i told her our plans for the evening. She was very excited.

WW said, "I dont know if the cold or the plans but just take this." Then she came in next to me and asked for a hug which I gladly gave. Didnt say anything just took it at face value.

We went shopping after we got to the city we were visiting. i paid for all the stuff. She pretended to object and even tried to push me away from the card reader at one of the stores. I just told her no and refused to let her pay. She just said how weird it was and let me.

We had a very nice dinner. We watched the people walking on the sidewalk and kept the conversation pretty light.

When we were done we were walking to the car. She turned to me and said she really had a good time and thanked me.

Then she said, "Dont read anything into this, just accept it" Then she grabbed my hand and we held hands back tot he car.

Car trip back wasn't as smooth. About half the way back (was about a 90 minute drive) she started crying. Basically told that she had serious doubt if we could make it work. She made comments like its been great for a week and a half but she was waiting for the down cycle. I assured her we would stick together and i would take care of her.

I then asked her to just let me stop the D process. She again refused. She said she still needs time to decide if our marriage can be saved. I assured her it can and i had faith in us. Told her i thought God was looking out for our marraige and would help us out.

She then told me she wasn't sure what God wanted us to do. I didnt comment on that because it seemed so preposterous to me that God would want us to toss away our vows and get a D. It still hurt though.

I told her i felt like there is a giant hourglass in the background. I told her that soon a date would be set for the temparary hearing (actually is already set for late june I just didnt wanna give her a deadline). I told her they would serve her the complaint which looks aweful. I told her that i would have to write up a deposition saying all the stuff she did wrong as would our families. I told her that there would be discovery where we would be forced to answer all kinds of questions. I told her I didnt want that because I DONT wanna know details. I also never wanna see the OM but he inevitably would be dragged into the D hearing.

I told her I just wanted to focus on our future together and move forward with our life. Still she said she didnt want me to stop the process until she had made a final decision.

The conversation was going no where so i changed the subject. Rest of the way home mainly sat in silence.

When we got to the house we watched about and hour and a half worth of TV. I asked her if we could curl up the couch together so i could hold her. She said she would lean against me. So she watched the shows with her head on my lap. I ran my fingers through her hair the whole time and she didnt object. Even assured me that it wasnt hurting once.

When she went to bed I tucked her in. I asked her if she wanted me to hold her till she ent to bed. She agreed but only if I didnt sleep in the same room as her. So I did that and returned to my bedroom.

Overall the night was a success. We seem closer than we have been in years but she still refuses to stop the D process.

I dont know what to do.

The temp hearing is in 3 or 4 weeks. I dont want to put us through that pain of seeing the complaint papers where she so publically gets called an adulteress. I dont mention the A much really at this point. I try to just focus on our future. I know that EP will have to be taken so it never happens again but she isnt even accepting the way out of this nightmare im offering.

OM contact is still negative so hes not influencing this. its just a question of her wanting to keep trying. She is letting me meet more and more needs which is good but she doesnt wanna commit to reconciling.

She will be served 10 days prior to the hearing. What should be my plan of attack regarding the hearing? Do I let her get served then go for a continuance to put off the pain of seeing the statements from everyone? Do I not let her get served before I postpone it?

To make this clear im NOT going to go through with it. I will drop my complaint before I do that. Just didnt know if it would be better to let her feel the pressure of the D she doesnt wanna stop a little.

hopefully it wont come to that but i have to have a contingency plan.

Her parents come back from vacation this weekend. Maybe their support can convince he to stop it sooner rather than later. Just dont wanna blow the good progress im making.

Sometimes people procrastinate until deadlines (especially your WW). If you continue to do a good plan A and she's been out of contact w/ OM for what would be about 6 weeks at that time, I bet she'll drop it the day before the hearing. Remember how withdrawal works. After 2-3 weeks, the worst is over. After 2-3 months, most of it is over, and after 6 months it should be complete. I think you'll see your WW commit to the marriage again in the 3-6 month timeframe. Just keep up your plan A changes.

Right in that time frame. Although they have spoke once on the phone since then. Things are a 1000 times better in just a few short weeks.



So let her get served?



I guess seeing the iniial divorce filing wouldnt be a huge negative. its a REAL consequence for her actions seeing $$$ and reading taudry words like "adulterous relationship with another man" and "now and forever barred from alimony" could be classified as a stick.

Im just in such a weird spot. We have already agreed that if we reconcile we want a reconciliation agreement. She is worried that my family will think she just got back with me to clear my bar on alimony and the $$$ consequences of her actions (8k legal and PI fees. Reduced child support due to getting deemed income). So WW wants it so I wont have a rift between me and my parents.

The agreement will have to be approved by a judge. So i dont wanna push off the date before its neccessary. That way the agreement could be approved and we could be DONE with this disquesting process.

At the hearing though all the statements from family members and myself will presented and she will get a copy of them. Though she KNOWS my parents and family are EXTREMELY upset with her and MUCH less amicable to her than me. I dont want WW to EVER read the word they are gonna right about this. I also dont want to ahve to get her Dad and mom involved but i will have to have them write up a statement as well since she confessed to them. Awkward.

So its a wierd game of chicken. How close can i get to the edge without falling off the cliff.

She is confused and uncertain because in her mind she is in love with OM.

I know you do not want to reveal MB methods, but I would explain to her the physiology of falling in love as well as the brain chemistry changes. Helen Fisher has written about this quite a bit.

If she knows her withdrawal will end at some point then she will be more positive about the future.

When my wife was in withdrawal she knew quite well the treatment was NC.

One more question:

If she was to divorce you. IS OM viable and available for a relationship with her?

Yes. he already told WW that he wanted to be with her. he is single. The only negative is that he is soon transfering overseas. So if she was to chase after him it would either cost her DD4 or if the judge refused me custody she would be taking DD4 away from me, her parents and my parents. All of which spend considerable amounts of time with her.

It would also cost him his career since I would do everything in my power to ensure that he gets punished to the maximum extent possible.


She has been better as the contact has been cut. She just seems like she is trying to drag it out.

If OM is single, I seriously doubt his command gives a damn about his contact with your wife. While it's certainly not honorable behavior, it's also "Not their problem." That's how most commanders would see it, IMO.

I don't think judges allow one parent to take a child away from the other parent if you have dual custody. She will have to be close to you for many years to come.

I am sad to hear OM is single. He could be a pain in the rear for years to come.

As of now the only thing that you must concentrate on is NC. BTW, NC must be hermetic, no text, emails, no reading of old emails, not looking at photos, etc.

My wife's OM was 2000 miles away and completely not viable even though he was single. She had no choice but to go NC, there was no future in there. IN fact, at d-day I begged her to leave the house and go live with OM, but she refused.

Anyway keep up the NC and keep the divorce proceedings alive.

I have to warn you that most WWs manage to break NC at some point.