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I just read my own thread and it is strange what a couple months will do. I am in a much better place. I think we are doing good and I am greatly improved as far as the anger, mind movies and tears. I actually cried (not boohoo, just tears down the cheeks)last night over "our" old song "How Do I Live" by Trisha Yearwood. My daughter was playing it on her laptop, she had no idea what it was. She asked why I was sad? I was honest in that it was Daddy and my song.
To myself I thought, but not anymore, because I have learned one thing through all this.....I can live without him, I am stronger than I ever knew and he is here because we both want our marriage to work. I love him with all my heart and it feels good!
We still are working daily on our marriage and we will handle anything that comes along ...together. Now I need to start giving back and help others.
Thanks MB!! Oh and I have to get another copy of HNHN, in fact I am buying 3 or 4. One to keep, two for wedding gifts and one to keep as an extra. Our only couple friends who stuck by us and knew what we went through, sadly have been struck by infidelity too. That is where my book went.
HU
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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I'm so glad that you guys are working on the marriage, just remember to KEEP snooping, my husband will still snoop on me and we have been in recovery for 6 months. never put your guard down. 
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SR, Thanks for responding, but now I have to ask some vets on here an interesting question.
Does that ever go away, the wanting to snoop? Do you ever trust 100% again?
Ok 2 questions!!!!
HU
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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SR, Thanks for responding, but now I have to ask some vets on here an interesting question.
Does that ever go away, the wanting to snoop? Do you ever trust 100% again?
Ok 2 questions!!!!
HU That's a mindset you need to correct. Blind trust (100%) is NEVER good for a marriage. The wanting to snoop? Yes, eventually it does fade away as trust is regained. I'm over six years into recovery and I do trust my DH now. However, if I ever have a doubt, I have no problem snooping and my DH knows this and has no problem with it. We have no secrets.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I know it is easier to keep everything in one thread. I tried to start one in the recovery forum, but that gets very few responses, but it does tell more regarding loosing my family at the same time I found out about the A ( I also lost my closest friend that lived in our town the month after D-Day, she OD'd by huffing). Here it is for anyone who wants to read it as well: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2499180&page=1I also started another thread when the OW's husband wrote my H and I did not know how to handle it. Other than those (I did not check to see if I am right about my threads and the amount) I have only tried to write on other peoples threads, but feel very inept at helping someone when I am not doing that well myself. Sort of the blind leading the blind. This month is the two year anniversary of D-Day. We finally did the worksheets this last weekend. So at least now I know what our top needs are. I am hoping that this will help me start healing. I am no where near where I should be in my healing, I know that much. I still cry several times a week. I am in IC, which is helping me deal with my family more than the A. FWH got a great job offer and went back to work in December, that has left me home alone running our business. Being alone in this big house day after day is not helping me. I have not one friend near me to talk to either. Then I had a knee injury and surgery, which kept me off my feet for a couple months. I am struggling with his job and the fact he works with a few women (mostly men), not sure if that is rational or not. I don't feel rational most of the time anyways. His job also keeps me from meeting people as he is in a pretty powerful position. Thanks for MB and a place to vent/share my life. I wonder if I will ever feel true happiness again. Sundays the kids all come home for dinner and it is draining to pretend to be happy for that long. At times I hate my life and find no pleasure at all in it. I do know the kids need me and that keeps me going. HU
Last edited by HalfUnit; 07/15/11 09:37 AM. Reason: added word
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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Thanks for MB and a place to vent/share my life. I wonder if I will ever feel true happiness again. Sundays the kids all come home for dinner and it is draining to pretend to be happy for that long. At times I hate my life and find no pleasure at all in it. I do know the kids need me and that keeps me going. HU, I would put the questionaires aside and address 2 main problems now: 1. your depression and 2. restoring the romantic love in your marriage. Have you considered getting anti-depressants from your doctor? I am very concerned about your marriage because it is more vulnerable to an affair than it was BEFORE the affair. You are depressed and there has been no plan of recovery here. That means you are living in a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. That is very dangerous. I am going to suggest you throw yourself into this program and restore the romantic love in your marriage. If you can swing the online program that would be the fastest horse. If not, I would get the workbook, tear out the UA time worksheet in the back and start scheduling 20+ hours of undivided attention NOW. Some of that time should be devoted to the lessons in Surviving an Affair and the rest of it spent the top 4 intimate emotional needs. That will restore the romantic love in your marriage the FASTEST. Having a plan and working it will do wonders for your mental state, HU. People in love are rarely depressed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Half-unit,
You know I've been your cheerleader for some time. 2 years is about time for you to take back control of your life.
As you work this program...decide what you intend to do with the other hours of your days (other than the 20 you and husband are committed and scheduled to spend together).
Schedule them....if you don't have something to schedule FIND something to schedule.
Doing something...ANYTHING...be it getting your nails done, a walk in the park, hair salon, tanning, gym, volunteering, a small part time job, maybe a project at your house (or one of your kids houses don't be afraid to speak up and ask for your families help - if my mom said she needed to do something to feel useful and wanted a project I'd put her to work no problem lol) ...anything to pull yourself out of this depression.
Again...bloom where you are planted.
Mr. Wondering
p.s. -I hope that this new job provides you the means to do a whole of things. BTW...if likely fills an emotional need of your husband for you to go out and spend some of that money he's earning for your family on yourself...especially if you express how much you appreciate it. Admiration junkies like being admired, who knew?
p.p.s. - another thing you can do is become an expert at the MB plans. Not just reading and posting on the forums but click over to the mainwebsite and read it all. Listen to some radio shows. The volume of content is massive and FREE. BTW, I saw you post to someone recently and almost commented that I was glad to see you pitching in around here. Being involved in this community is another thing you can do to stay active and helpful. Every perspective is valuable around here.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering) DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Thanks ML & Mr. W, Two of my favorite "vets".
I have talked to my H about closing down our business for a few months as it does tie me to the house way too much. It means I have zero social life, except the phone and that is not good. I can go days/weeks without seeing another human other than my H, daughter, mailman & the UPS guy.
I actually told him the other day I feel as if he is having another A, this time it is with his job. He committed to 4 years, with my blessings, because we needed the extra money to get out of debt (long story as to why we were in debt and it has nothing to do with shopping, I don't shop, but attorneys are expensive). I thought we were in a secure enough place to add this to our lives. I was wrong. He is so happy, back doing what he is so good at. I on the other hand am extremely lonely.
A couple months ago I had to have my dog put down, he was my baby. So another loss for me. I went out and got a great dane/wolf hound pup. He has helped keep me busy, he grows about a half a pound a day and an inch a week,,,,amazing,,,,but I need human companionship.
We started back to the gym this week, something we have always loved to do. Plus the Dr. said to strengthen my knee or I have to go to PT.
ML, I have a question about something you said, what do you mean by "I am very concerned about your marriage because it is more vulnerable to an affair than it was BEFORE the affair"?
I started AD's a few weeks ago, I know they take awhile to kick in. I'm hoping that soon I will feel better and want to do something to get out of the house or like Mr. W suggest become more involved on here!!!
HU
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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ML, I have a question about something you said, what do you mean by "I am very concerned about your marriage because it is more vulnerable to an affair than it was BEFORE the affair"? The reason is because you are not in recovery. There is no plan here to recover your marriage, so you are actually worse off than before the affair. In order to recover, you have to affair proof your marriage, and more importantly, create a romantic relationship. Your marriage is the one thing that will bring you the most joy and happiness if you just use this program. Ending the affair is just the FIRST step, not skip the other steps!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Almost a year since my last post on here (it was a rough year with health issues and I was not online much) and it looks as if I am back to finding out another lie he has held on to. I skimmed through all my post on here and I kept saying that I did not feel as if I was getting the whole story and I guess I wasn't.
I got an e-mail from the OW's BH recently. I was shocked, but he had questions because of his anger towards my FWH. In one of his questions he mentioned how many times the OW and my FWH had sex. This set me into a tail spin.
My FWH told me that they never had intercourse *edit*. I guess even the e-mails that I read between the two of them I read wrong. I don't have them anymore so can't re-read them.
I did remember I had saved all the ones between her and I and so I read through those and there it was, yes they had sex. The problem was not that he could not have intercourse with her, *edit*. Some of you may be wondering ....so what sex is sex....Not in this case it was my biggest question and to find out 2 years later he lied to me makes me sick.
I told him I received the e-mail from her husband and all that was said. I did not tell him that I re-read her e-mails to me. I feel as if I finally have the truth. It was as if I have known all along, but wanted to believe his side of things. He is sticking to his story.
I went to see my therapist and she did not seem too surprised that they actually had sex. I on the other hand feel like a complete fool for believing him. I am back to crying all the time. My therapist said to not say anymore for now and she wants to work with me.
Should I just let this go, be satisfied with the life I have.
HU
Last edited by MBSeasons; 04/01/12 03:56 PM. Reason: Removing TMI
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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Almost a year since my last post on here (it was a rough year with health issues and I was not online much) and it looks as if I am back to finding out another lie he has held on to. I skimmed through all my post on here and I kept saying that I did not feel as if I was getting the whole story and I guess I wasn't.
I got an e-mail from the OW's BH recently. I was shocked, but he had questions because of his anger towards my FWH. In one of his questions he mentioned how many times the OW and my FWH had sex. This set me into a tail spin.
My FWH told me that they never had intercourse *edit*. I guess even the e-mails that I read between the two of them I read wrong. I don't have them anymore so can't re-read them.
I did remember I had saved all the ones between her and I and so I read through those and there it was, yes they had sex. The problem was not that he could not have intercourse with her, *edit*. Some of you may be wondering ....so what sex is sex....Not in this case it was my biggest question and to find out 2 years later he lied to me makes me sick.
I told him I received the e-mail from her husband and all that was said. I did not tell him that I re-read her e-mails to me. I feel as if I finally have the truth. It was as if I have known all along, but wanted to believe his side of things. He is sticking to his story.
I went to see my therapist and she did not seem too surprised that they actually had sex. I on the other hand feel like a complete fool for believing him. I am back to crying all the time. My therapist said to not say anymore for now and she wants to work with me.
Should I just let this go, be satisfied with the life I have.
HU Have you asked him to have a polygraph?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I told him I received the e-mail from her husband and all that was said. I did not tell him that I re-read her e-mails to me. I feel as if I finally have the truth. It was as if I have known all along, but wanted to believe his side of things. He is sticking to his story. Halfunit, I am so sorry, but I am relieved you found out eventually. You always felt you didn't have the full truth. So I take it he is sticking to the lie? Is that what you mean? hugs to you, my friend {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Halfunit}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sadly Brian Hurts, after everything I shared with my therapist she believes my FWH could easily pass a lie detector test, though he is very willing to take it.
HU
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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Hey ML, yes I was right...I didn't get the truth. He is sticking with his "story". I have found out more, he denies it all. In fact he actually blames the OW for throwing him under the bus.
I am sick to my stomach and feel like I am back at the beginning. I just have mind movies of them together.
How do I get him to tell me the truth?
HU
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Hey ML, yes I was right...I didn't get the truth. He is sticking with his "story". I have found out more, he denies it all. In fact he actually blames the OW for throwing him under the bus.
I am sick to my stomach and feel like I am back at the beginning. I just have mind movies of them together.
How do I get him to tell me the truth?
HU Oh, HU, I'm so sorry you are still dealing with this! I'd hoped your absence meant that your and your H were busy recovering. Polygraph, sweetie. You must insist upon this.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Sadly I think my FWH is a liar that is so good he could pass the test, should I do it anyway?
I found out several things, they make me sick. How cam I love this man?
My daughter came in a few weeks ago with a diary she found that she wrote in soon after we found out...she wrote "Why is dad wanting to talk me into having the OW be my step-mom and telling me how she loves to shop and my mom doesn't". This was after I had found out and when he had promised we were working on the marriage.....were we or was it more lies?
HU
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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Sadly I think my FWH is a liar that is so good he could pass the test, should I do it anyway?
I found out several things, they make me sick. How cam I love this man?
My daughter came in a few weeks ago with a diary she found that she wrote in soon after we found out...she wrote "Why is dad wanting to talk me into having the OW be my step-mom and telling me how she loves to shop and my mom doesn't". This was after I had found out and when he had promised we were working on the marriage.....were we or was it more lies?
HU You love him because you do. Yes, you should proceed with the polygraph. You need that closure. Don't assume that he will be able to fake it.Psychopaths may be able to - waywards typically can't.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I have already thought of my questions or at least a few of them. He is a cop, so we will have to go out of our county, but I cannot keep going back to D-Day and the pain.
HU
HalfUnit Me-BS-50 H-WS-46
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Sadly I think my FWH is a liar that is so good he could pass the test, should I do it anyway? Most waywards are GREAT liars. And the ones who are lying flunk the tests! So don't worry about that. Go read starfish's thread about how she made up a list of questions and handed it to him beforehand. She presented it to him as way to clear his name and gave him an amnesty period. He still continues to try and lie his way out of it. BUT she did get a confession of another affair before he flunked the test. My daughter came in a few weeks ago with a diary she found that she wrote in soon after we found out...she wrote "Why is dad wanting to talk me into having the OW be my step-mom and telling me how she loves to shop and my mom doesn't". This was after I had found out and when he had promised we were working on the marriage.....were we or was it more lies? What does your husband say about that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have already thought of my questions or at least a few of them. He is a cop, so we will have to go out of our county, but I cannot keep going back to D-Day and the pain.
HU Here are some questions that starfish used in her poly: Other than what you have already admitted, have you had any sexual contact(sexual contactwill bedefined) with anyone other than your wife. Here are some more from chickadee1 on starfish's thread. Questions Are you deliberately concealing information about any other relationship you have had with anyone. Are you intentionally withholding any other information about any other relationships you had with anyone Are you purposely withholding information about any other relationships you have had with anyone.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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