Has anyone survived a LTA? My wife had a long term affair with 2 men that ended 15 yrs ago. I just found out and it is destroying me. What she did with one of these men daily for over 4 yrs is making me sick. I feel so shameful and cheated I don't know what to do. I found out it ended when she was fired and after that there was not contact with either man. Since that time there was one other time she kissed someone intimately and touched him outside his pants but it did not go any further so she said. After what she has told me she has no reason to lie any more.

Welcome to MB. Can you give us a little more background? How old are you and your WW? How long have you been M'd? Any children?

What prompted the confession or did you find out? Did you suspect anything during the A's? Did they happen simultaneously? I see one lasted 4 years, how long did the other A last?

The intimate contact with the 3rd man, how long ago was that?

Most important...do you WANT to recover your marriage?

Has anyone survived a LTA? Yes, there have been a few but they are much tougher to overcome. LTA's seem to change the WS for good. I don't know if having to live dual lives long term is the reason but even with my H, my DD and I both see that it changed him. He is much less empathetic and there is a vindictiveness in him that wasn't there before.

Don't get me wrong, he has changed for the good too after he ended the A.

We are both in our 50's. The confession came after she had a health issue during which time I discovered what I thought was an EA online. When she did not deleted accounts because she said she needed to tell them why she deleted I started to ask questions about the past when I had suspicions. Unfortunately for me I guess she confessed this time. As long as I did not know I was fine but now I am so torn.

I am using MB to deal with my WH's LTA.

I want to believe that what you do from D-Day is more important than the length it went on undetected.

You know, it does hurt to think of all the stuff they did over time but it is now just a fact that YOU must learn not to let it trigger such despair in you. You didn't ask for it. You don't need to 'own' that. She committed the lovebuster of independant behavior. View it as that.

Work on bettering your own sense of self. Worth of self. Work through the steps of MB and in the end, you will get to decide what to do based on clearheadedness instead of reacting to what she did in her independant behavior.

No, bhm, finding out wasn't the bad thing. Her A's were the bad things. Living a life that was a lie was a bad thing. You now have an opportunity that wasn't there before - to rebuild your M into what you deserve.

I won't pretend to know what it's like to have a WS in a LTA - my H's was of fairly short duration. I think the main thing is to determine what YOU want now. Do you want to stay with your WW?

I'm disturbed by this comment: "As long as I did not know I was fine" Do you believe that?

BHM,

....2 men that ended 15 yrs ago........ I feel so shameful and cheated I don't know what to do.

Yea I can relate to that, my wife was 20 years ago and in some ways the time makes it worse since I feel I was stupid for all those years. Also bothered by the fact that she was really hot when it happened, and while she is still really good looking is now 20 years less hot.

there was one other time she kissed someone intimately.

Kissing is one activity which was never the same after her A and that bothers me a great deal, kissing is in some ways more intimate than pure sex. Did you find that to be the case with your wife?

Were either of the the two men married and did you expose to their wives?

Gamma

LTAs are very hard to recover from. LTAs really do CHANGE people in profound and rigid ways. They become almost "comfortable" with what they did. I believe these WSs do have guilt but they have become so set in stone that it is very diffcult of them to move from GUILT to true REMORSE.......and there is a big difference between the two:

http://www.survivingbetrayal.com/component/content/article/54-guilt-and-remorse

Remorse requires introspection, empathy, and self-accountability. You can heal with a WS (assuming the A is OVER) who is remorseful but you cannot truly recover with one who is merely guilty. And people who have had/are in LTAs tend to be closed off to remorse.

A few specific points for you, Brokenhearted:

1. Are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that there is no new affair ongoing at present?

2. Are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that there is no renewed contact with any prior affair-partners?

3. Even if both the above are "negative", your wife has had 2 previous sexual affairs and 1 since that was an EA at the very least. That's 3 different OMs at least (there may be others you don't know about). Think about this carefully and logically--do you want to recover a marriage with her?

It's up to you...

bhm, I'm a bit confused about what happened. Did you wife have affairs with two men at the same time? Were both affairs for four years? Did both affairs end 15 years ago?

Did she work with one of the men? I am asking becuase you say it ended when she was fired. How did she meet the other man? Was he a colleague too? How did that affair end?

Both men worked with her at the time. She said she had feelings for one and the other she did him just is case he found out about the other so he would not talk. Stupid reason.
There was only 1 instance of IC and that was with the one she did not have feelings for. All the other sex was her doing oral for them. That is the part that makes me sick and her also now when she thinks of what she did.

That was an extraordinary way for her to behave.

Were both these affairs for for years? Did they end at the same time because she was fired?

Who was the agressor OM or WW?

Time for a polygraph. Who knows what skeltons are buried?

"After what she has told me she has no reason to lie any more."

That's what all the WW's say. The number one reason not to say anymore is that they are doing damage control.

They gladly admit to more then you know so you will believe that they are being "honest" now.

Any kids? Time for a DNA test.

I ignored the warning signs in my marriage for YEARS as well. I KNEW something was really worng in my M for 2 years and seriously bad the last year.

I just assumed it was some problem she was having to deal with. I was right. The problem was having an A with my WW.

Finally I hired a PI and busted them. As much as it hurts im GLAD I found out. Instead of my marriage withering on the vine like its been the past 2 years I have a punchers chance if I can beat the A.


Im a newbie but I do know its better to know. You empower yourself and you can start making positive changes.

Hi BHM - To answer your question... Yes.

Now, my question to you is this: "Do you want to rebuild your M?"

If so, then you've come to the right place. Please think about this question because it's the main question that you need to answer first.

Do you know what it will take to rebuild your M and work THROUGH all of the issues from the past? Is your W willing to work WITH you in doing so? If she isn't then I would seriously think about what you want to do. You can't rebuild the marriage by yourself.

There aren't any shortcuts, and it will be a very long (~2-3 YEARS), very painful process. Count the cost and make sure that your W is willing to work with you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

They both ended as soon as she was fired.
According to what she said I know she pursued one of them and I believe she pursued both.
I don't think I have to worry about any affairs at this stage in her life because of age and Health reasons. But you never really know.
I know she truly wants to save the marriage and at times I want to. The problem I have is the act she did and the length of time. If it had happened once and then she felt guilty and stopped it would be much easier for me. In my mind it did not end it was just stopped because of circumstances.

Brokenheartedman,
I "believe" one can survive an LTA; otherwise, I would not be almost 18 months past d-day into R. Just a word of caution: age is no inhibitor to infidelity. My FWH began his PA at age 60; and while appearing younger physically, he nonetheless was using both pills and shots for erectile disfunction. You, like I, seem to have had your head in the sand for a very long time. Don't make that mistake again.
GY

Thanks for your responses.
I know at this time her health would not allow another affair at this time don't know about the future. I am still trying to control my anger but it is very hard at times.
When things come into my head I don't seem to be able to control them.

"Gamma"
Have you been able to R with your wife and if so how long did it take for you to get over what she had done?
I know it has only been a couple of months for me but I still can't bring myself to kiss or touch her intimately.

She did allow both men to touch her privates.