He wont go to the brig. Not stupid enough to think that. They DO care if he violates orders. In all honesty since I confronted him he hasnt talked to her once. Hes got 17 years in. Its just not worth it for him to lose his retirement for a girl that already dumped him once and most likely wont follow him to his next duty station.

NEW WEIRD UPDATE FROM BIZZARO LAND

So tonite I think I finally got the breakthrough on the root cause or the BIG need I wasnt meeting.

Whenever she came to me with a problem instead of just comforting her i would always try to solve it. All she wanted me to do was hold her and tell her everything was gonna be OK. Somehow I managed to mess that up for 7 yrs now.

We were watching a show and one of the scenes triggered that. I did my best to comfort her but she still had to put space between us. She called me from her parents house to let me know she was safe and mentioned me not meeting her need. I told her I know I had screwed up in the past but I was a new man. I told her I had finally figured it out and would be there for her in the future.

All she could get out was, "Is all ive been asking for for 7 years now!" before she started crying and had to hang up the phone.

I gave her a few minutes then went over there. I got there and just held her for a few minutes. She realized she had forgotten her pillow at our house and I went back to get it. When i came back I ended up watching a movie with her and tucking WW into bed. Then i went back to our house.

So I think im dealing alot with a loss of trust. Kinda bizzare since SHE was the one cheating on ME but its still a real issue with WW. Im doing the best to be there for her but its hard to make up for 7 years of doing something wrong in a few weeks.

I FEEL like we are making progress. She is coming to me now for me to hold her when she is sad. She is wanting me to be there for her. She is letting me take care of her. She is still procrastinating with letting me call of the D though.

I guess she is just gonna drag it out. Its not a HUGE deal since she isnt contacting OM. Just wanna get past this so we can keep working on our marriage without the D over our head.

While I wouldn't be completely dismissive of her EN, I would also keepin mind that WW'es rewrite history.

So right now you're the most insensitive a$$ in the world.

I look back now at what my ex complained about me and I take it with a grain of salt on some things.

Listen a lot and repeat things back to her. Yes, you have things you need to fix, but nothing justified her affair, as you already know.

small step backwards today.

We were picking up MIL and FIL for when she returned from a trip yesterday. She was distant all day. Keeping me at arms reach all day.

She was sick all weekend so that might be part of it. Hasnt been able to sleep well and has been cranky. Just know we are Back to the one word answers and such. She is uncomfortable letting me touch her again too.

Its disheartening because just a couple days ago we were holding hands and having a great time. Few nights ago she laid her head on my lap and let me run my fingers through her hair while we watched a show.

She stayed at her parents last night. I had DD4 and she was pretty much crying for her mom till she went to bed. Before I went to sleep I called WW. She was tired and said she was going to bed. Let her know that DD4 was upset. Alot of that has to do with the fact that she is staying away at her parents house alot. Wanted her to know that her actions are impacting negatively on DD4.

Overall not a huge blip though. The past week or so has been pretty good considering.

I think ive decided that I will let WW get served the papers at least. Maybe seeing that complaint paperwork for real will be the stick it takes to commit back to the marriage. She still has 3 weeks to do her "thinking".

Probably will not have the temp hearing though. Will seek a continuance if she hasnt decided by then. Just dont want her to have to see the statements from me and my family.

Statements from your family don�t matter unless they are made on the stand and under oath. Trust me on that. Judges don�t care what someone writes on a piece of paper. They dismiss them as heresay.

They do have a psychological impact on your WW, though.

Family testimony could be helpful, but judges also understand that your family will say good things about you and vice versa.

Quick Update STDs and Temp Hearing.

I made an appointment for this afternoon to get screened for STDs. Its something I wanted to do for a while. I asked her "If I had to be worried about". She said no. Honestly I cant trust her though right now.

We have used protection since DD4. So I should be ok. Just had to know for sure. I told her I was going to the Dr. She asked me why and I told her. She was a little down about it but she couldn't blame me. Its not like the OM was exclusive with my WW.

Also if I could get some more thoughts on how far I should let the D go.

Can read past posts if you want but it boils down to this.

I initially filed for a D when I found out. Now I wanna save my M. She doesnt want me to stop the process till she has completely decided to recommit to the M.

I THINK the initial hearing is scheduled for the 21st ish of June which means she will me served 10 days prior. She knows Ive filed but she doesnt know the date.

I want her to feel some pressure. I dont want to actually do even the temp hearing though. I dont want her to have to see my families (and her's) statements that will be presented there. Things are going to be rough for a long while with my fam anyways. Dont wanna make it harder.

on the other hand she is delaying this decision. She is adamant about not stoping the D process till she makes the decision.

So how far do I let it go?

Im leaning right now to letting her get served then ask for a continuance. I KNOW im not going through with the process but its a REAL consequence.

Thanks
Yeg

If you don't want to divorce and it doesn't hurt you legally to stop the proceedings, you can stop the divorce whenever you want, although the prospect of getting divorced might motivate her into working on the marriage more quickly. It's up to you. If you don't want a divorce, just drop the divorce. It doesn't matter what she wants, it's your life too. You can always re-file if you want to.

This is not true in South Carolina. From my understanding, no one testifies at the temporary hearing and the Judge makes his rulings based on affidavits filed by the parties each stating their position. This is why Yeg is worried I think... about her seeing his and other's affidavits about why Yeg should be granted temporary relief based on his assertions of adultery.

The Judge will determine whether temporary alimony is required, child custody, support and visitation issued... based on those affidavits and who he believes.
However, temporary rulings are just that, temporary. A final ruling (decree) won't be made until the end of the case after all the evidence is presented and heard.

I believe this temporary hearing will be a strong dose of reality for his wife about what her life may look like if she continues on the way she is. It IS scary and a crap shoot for Yeg, but at this point, his wife is already gone... and he needs to protect himself IN CASE she doesn't come around.

In a way, you�re making it easier for her since she can always say, �I wanted to fix things, but he filed.�

I say this: You want to save your marriage, so withdraw the D. Put it in her court. That would be a gesture that says, �I�m willing to save my marriage. I won�t do your dirty work for you. I won�t D. I will work on us. If you want a D, you can file.�

That�s my advice. You�re setting up a good precedent by maintaining a good custody schedule with your son. Keep that up and keep documenting when you see him and what you do with him. That�s important.

You mentioned that you worry sometimes that your son may not be your son. Is there anything to make you think so? You willing to test his DNA?

If it comes down to it I WILL drop it. Or she will have to refile or whatever her options are. I have 0 intentions of going through with it.

She doesnt want me to stop it yet because she claims she doesnt want my family to think she is a gold digger and recommitting to the marriage to wipe my bar on alimony (forgiveness is a defense for an affair in SC).

I WANT to have a reconciliation agreement in place. It makes me feel safer. IM the victim here. Do I want the security more than I do want to save my M? No. I DO want her to feel the pressure a bit.

Right now she is still staying in the family home, she sees our child everyday and she isnt feeling much financial pressure. Im still meeting her needs. Only thing that has changed for her is OM isnt contacting her.


I see DD4 everynight at least. I get to come over and tuck her into bed. Ive actually seen her much more than that since I still spend alot of time with the WW.


The first year or so she wasnt in contact with OM that I ever found it. DD4 was one of the main reasons she reached out for him. So im almost 100% sure she is mine. In all honesty I dont wanna know different because that would be a GIANT hurdle for me to clear.

She has assured me that the PA began about a year ago which is what I figured. So in the end no Im not going to pursue that.

Does dropping the divorce constitute forgiveness or do you have to have SF? If you drop the case now and don't have SF, can you still refile claiming adultery? Either way, if you need to refile again, all you have to prove is inclination and opportunity. She won't leave you except for OM, so if she does end the marriage, you have her tracked to prove future opportunity, and I think you pretty much have inclination as a slam dunk.

Depends on the judge. My lawyer strongly recommends I get the D. Im not doing that but I think its prudent to ask for a Reconciliation agreement. Ill talk to the lawyer about the temp hearing. I can tell you they dont take testimony just the statements.


Opportunity is a PITA to prove. Expensive too. It cost me 2500 last time.

In the end going as far as Im going is only meant to be a cattle prod. Its the cold shower of consequences. She just seems to be a fence sitter procrastinating this decision. Not surprising since she ALWAYS procrastinated on things.

If I just drop it out right she can basically wait indefinatly. Im willing to wait but it hurts so bad. This limbo of half way seperated sucks. I know im preaching to the choir. Sitting in the doctors office and talking to him about STDs was just the latest in the demeaning world of D.

You have GPS on her car, right? You are telling me that you can't prove she's in contact w/ OM again? You can track her wherever she goes. If her care is at OM's place, I seriously doubt opportunity would be that hard to prove, especially with her previous inclination.

You got a point. She doesnt know about the KL or GPS.

Hopefully it wont EVER come to that. She still has 4 weeks till the temp hearing. We have made so much progress in just a few short weeks.

I appreciate your feedback Jim. Ill prepare my statements like im going to go through with the hearing and ill make the decision on it closer.

I think alot of the reason I'm sweating it is because today and yesterday were just really foggy days. The weekend was so much fun so I was due for a letdown.

i'll just put my faith in God and my marriage and hope she comes about the decision.

Im also thinking about the contacting the harleys for coaching services. Any thoughts?

My local personal counciler is good but its hard to argue with their track record. it IS their plan as well. A close friend is having his first appointment with them tommorow. I'll see how his goes. Its alot of money but its worth it to sav my marriage.

Inspired by a friend.

At work I have a blood brother. He is going through the same stuff with his WW. He is fighting for his M. I refered him to Dr H and he had wonderful results.

Ive decided im making the appts with Dr H as well. Hes the BEST at this and id be a fool to not use that resource. I spent tons of money to end my M. Its time to spend real money to save it.

Ive also contacted my lawyer. The D is off. I cant talk out of both sides of my mouth.

Ive getting some great advice but i cant go through the program half way.

Great news. Fight the best you can. Does your F post here?

No but encouraged him too. He is reading the articles and stuff.

Can anyone direct me to some good bible verses and explanations (I'm not a real bible expert at all) that I can present to her when she talks about God?

I mentioned to her that God HATES divorce. She countered me with a verse that read something like if a man's wife commits adultery he has the RIGHT to cast her aside and divorce her.

I countered that instead I wanted to support her through this. I didn't want a Divorce. Thats why I stopped the D process.

Here are some ones I found

Matt:19
John:8
1st Chronicles:7

My wife is from a preachers family so she knows the bible better than me. She may SAY she doesnt know what God wants her to do. Thats just the fog justifying actions though. She knows in her heart right from wrong.

Ive never asked for this before but any prayers anyone could send my way would be sincerely appreciated.

Little update to lighten the mood. Told her last night that I didnt want a D anymore and have stopped the process. I told her that love doesnt use a hammer to get its way.

Also told her that I have contacted Steve Harley and that he is for real. He can help us through this as he has helped 1000s of couples. I gave her his number and invited her to make an appointment that it was prepaid. Didn't ask for a commitment just want her to gather information.

I basically tried to show her that there was a way out of this besides D. Hopefully Steve can help me with a good plan.

Also i contacted my PI about researching if the WW got an A phone. He can do it but its pricey ($225). Probably am going to do it because if she has one im going to have to find it.

Best of luck to everyone.

Shop around. I think a PI should be able to get that info for cheaper. Give a shout out on now_what's thread and get his PI's info.

Had first appointment with Steve Harley today. I strongly recommend it if you have the means. I was doing most of the stuff he said already but its comforting to know that its going as good as can be expected.

He encourages the WW to challenge him. So im currently dropping carrots (meeting needs) and hoping for comments like "where was this guy 7 years ago".

He stresses the importance of a plan and not running around spending energy without purpose.

I feel I have a solid plan now.

Currently Im trying to show her that there is a better way to live than in the misrable limbo we are now. Im to encourage educating ourselves to find out this plan. The key is to get her curious about the steps we can do to save our M. From there I direct her to SH and he sells her the plan.

So my review of the services are an A+.

I know I got a long way to go but there is progress.

As far as the WW we have spent the last few nights together. since the weekend she hasnt allowed me to touch her or anything like that but thats to be expected. Its frustrating but to be expected.

We got into a religous debate. She basically said I did my homework and backed off. Said she disagreed with my interpretation but didnt want to be in a theological debate. More like she knew her position was untenable and backed off.

Also kinda manhandled her a bit (not physically). Told her I wouldnt be intimidated by her anymore. That she could be upset all she wanted but I would still take care of her.

Also told her that although I have the RIGHT to divorce her I CHOOSE to stay with her through bad times. I told her I was man enough to take care of her and not shrink away. Also told her there was no expiration date on M vows.

She looked me in the eyes while I talked to her. SHe actually smiled a little. At heart she wants to be told what to do and lead out of the woods.

As a PK myself, I know we can be among the most stubbon when it comes to things "religious".

She knows what's right. Definitely sending some prayers your way!!

She probably is wide-eyed (inside) watching her husband transform to the man he needs to be when it comes to handling her. Her respect level for you has probably jumped through the roof.

Good job!!!