I have asked Broken what I should do but she has been quiet and not really said anything to me. I have been trying to sooth her but it feels like she has put up her armor again. I am not giving up but I am having trouble figuring out when I am doing good and when I am doing more harm.

I told her yesterday that when she gets upset I don't know what to say so I don't say much.

I won't change the number unless she changes her mind. I did tell her earlier that we could get is shut off, we could keep her cell at home for the kids and she could have mine. That way the kids can still call and she can have some assurance that my phone isn't being used for communication.

Soothing your wife when her walls are up is easier than you are making out to be. Your anxiety is causing your emotions to be in the lead of your decision making process instead of logic.

Do and say things that are thoughtful and considerate.

Make sure you don't do or say things that are thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Go about your daily tasks.

If she will let you... just a simple touch on the shoulder as you pass her will go a long way.

I understand your wife putting up her walls again, she is trying to protect her broken heart from anymore pain. When I do that my FWH, like you, does not give up. So keep doing what you are doing. Slowly the walls start coming down. Sadly it seems to differ each time in how long that takes.

As for the phone calls, I am not sure where you are from but it is against the law to do what she is doing and if it was me I would be changing my answering machine to say something to that effect. Scare OW into not calling anymore. Even if you move and get a new #, she may track you down. I would put a stop to it now, all you would need is for her to find your new # and cause more problems.

JMHO

HU

Jumping ahead several hours in Broken and my's nightmare. If people really wanted to pay for a great roller coaster ride we would be millionaires but for those who don't it sucks.

I have been in the garage reading Part 1 of Love Busters.

Broken has not read any of LB as far as I know and can only think about how resistant she will be to hear just the first part right now in her state of mind. She has already said many times how much she disagrees with the POV that she may have anything to do with this but once again Dr. Harley doesn't agree.

I sure do wish there was a book like LB for people who have had read SAA (Willard, I know you could make millions more!!!!)

So anyway after reading part 1 it just confirms that I am a taker. I have been taking and she has been giving. This is the way I see things as I read the pages...

Over time I became more cocky with my life. I was doing a job that I became good at. I was regularly recognized for doing well. The more rank I got and the closer I came to retirement, the more I inflated myself. The higher my horse became the better I was...for myself.

I know that this still doesn't answer the question she keeps asking as to why I did what I did and knowingly did it (you know what I mean if you have read her recent posts). I wish I knew the black and white answer too.

Yesterday she asked me if I was embarrassed about what I have done...I said yes. The more I thought about it I realized I was even more ashamed. I never want any of the terrible choices I have made to affect my kids or affect the way either her or my families look at my children...they had nothing to do with this.

I love Broken more than anything in this world and I want her to know that...I just wish she would open herself up to me enough to see that. It doesn't have to be today or tomarrow...I just hope it is someday!!! I continually tell her I won't give up but I also don't want to continue to make her life H E Double hockey sticks...she means way too much to me for that.

DH,
I fully understand your wife's point of view here. I was and still am resistant to any direct or indirect implication that I was to blame for my FWH's selfish decision to solve any marital issues with infidelity. I choose instead to hang onto Dr. Harley's statement about marital partners being equally responsible for the state of the marriage but that the WS is 100% responsible for the affair.

Before she reads LB, remind her that Dr. Harley is beginning with reasons for the state of the marriage, not any sort of justification for the infidelity--because there is never justification for that. My very wise FWH has from the beginning of R reiterated that he and he alone was responsible for the affair; and that has been a cornerstone for our recovery.

GY

Yesterday Broken asked me if OW and I had talked about her and the kids and I told her that I had a little. During the conversation I told Broken that OW and I also had talked about what we were doing was wrong for us both.

Broken is now furious with me as she should be.

Once again I thought I was doing good by telling the whole truth and it has back fired. I try to be open and answer her questions thinking they will help her and it doesn't work.

I have once again failed her.

The one thing that you didn't fail at is telling the truth. Even if she is furious, even if she decides she can't handle this new information and even if she decides against the M now, your M always had a better chance with the truth out than if it weren't out. Does that make sense? Just keep doing what you are doing, being open, honest, meeting her ENs and being the best husband you can be. If it all falls apart, well, honestly it's your fault. All you can do is be the best H you can be right now.

You are right, it is completely my fault. I want nothing more in this world then to be able to prove to her everyday that I love her.

As a BS, PLEASE PLEASE tell the truth, even if she gets mad, even if she cries, even if you hate seeing those emotions come out of her, it is better.

My FWH has learned that he cannot protect me from the truth, nor protect himself. Yes he hates that the truth makes me cry, but this is a healing time for all of us and the truth has to be told.

I know it's better and I am going to keep telling the truth, I owe that to her after doing such terrible things.

Been there, DH. Had these same conversations with my wife. Same reaction. It's normal. Her reaction to this is not something you should regard as a back-fire. The truth is the right thing to tell. Hearing the truth from you is not sufficient, but it is necessary, in order for her to continue healing. Regard this conversation you had with her as a step toward her healing.

It's so hard for any BS to wrap her head around how we (F)WSs can bring ourselves to do what we did. (Heck, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it now, 16+ months after my A.) Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say that someone dropped something in our coffee that made it so we weren't responsible for our actions, nor cognizant of the potential for causing pain to our spouses, nor even thinking of our spouses at the time, nor conscious at the time of the wrongness of our actions? But of course (except maybe for the 1-percenters who may have been boozed out of their minds during a ONS), the truth is that we were indeed conscious, we did indeed wrestle with the moral implications, and yet we went ahead ANYway. BECAUSE we were cognizant of these things, BECAUSE we knew we could be hurting our spouses badly, at each step we should've been all the MORE vigilant about our boundaries. Our spouses know this. They know that we knew better. No wonder they're (rightfully) angry.

So you won't get any 'points' from Broken for the fact that you wrestled with your conscience during the affair (as opposed to having no conscience). After all, you had knowledge of right & wrong, and you could foresee the implications & the possible pain for Broken if you went ahead with the A; and yet you went ahead with it anyway. Nothing laudable there, eh?

But in time, as you remain steadfast, you may get some 'points' from her for continuing to be honest. Stick with the truth, stick with telling her what she asks. Take the heat, and turn the other cheek, and let her know that you'll continue to be there for her & that you won't quit on her.

GloveOil,

Thanks for the guidance and encouragement.

I am not going to quit telling the truth and proving to her how important she is to me.

deerhunter71,
I'm a BS as well and as tough as the truth is, we need to know we WS have all the questions rolling around in our heads, they don't make sense to us but we need to know the details to process everything and understand as best we can why you WH's would leave us and go to someone else.....
what ever you do don't bail on her, tell her you will answer any questions, tell her she has the right to be mad at you and your decisions and that you intend to do everything in your power to make her feel like the most important person in your life.
Don't ever bail, when she is upset give her a hug and tell her you love her.....
If she rejects you slowly work your way back to that hug.....
One day at a time.......She loves you but afraid of being hurt again.........

JT,

I give you, everyone else, and especially Broken my word that I will not bail.

I so wish I could give her a hug right this minute.

DH,
Not answering her questions truthfully would be failing her again. When she asks you something, it's because her instinct (now heightened) tells her to. If you lie to her, she will instinctively know that too. And of course, she is going to be initially infuriated at your truthful responses. (You know a rollercoaster is going to have severe dips and turns, but you get on it anyway.) Absorb her hurt and fury and then resolve to keep on telling the truth. There have already been too many lies. She deserves the truth and your promise that your future actions will never again be the source of her pain.
GY

Her anger is normal right now. Just keep on telling her the truth, hard as it may be for her to hear it. It's very important for her to know that she knows all of her marital reality. Eventually she will become comfortable with her new, revised, REAL marital history.

DH,

I am glad to hear you say you will not bail on her and that you are going to continue telling the truth. This A stuff is so horrible and the road to recovery seems almost impossible at times, but it is taking one step at a time to rebuild what was destroyed. Telling the truth is the start of pouring a strong foundation of trust which is what all solid relationships have. Without trust the house will fall.

DH:

I'm glad you still here.

I'm glad that you realize how "high-flauting" you got before your affair started. BTDT. Even thought that "having an affair" is what you did once you got successful...

How wayward is that type of thinking?

My point is that you need to start revealing to B5S what you DID talk to OW about. You mentioned two upsetting things,
that you two DID talk about what you were doing was wrong. Well, Duh!, But you kept DOOIINGGG IT!

The honesty helps alot. So be more honest.

Start listing, on note cards, one subject a card, what you talked about with OW. Everything. Baseball scores. weather, Cars to buy/Like, Vacation ideas, sexual positions, about ten subjects abour Your wife, Your children, your job, her job.

Put those cards in a "hat" And hve her pull one out, and then you talk to B5S about what you and OW discussed. And you reveal everything. Where you two talked, for how long, and the context of the time, placeand what was going on around you.

Reveal it ALL. Expand the answer. If the question is: Did you go to the Beach? Bad Answer: Yes. Good Answer: Yes, we went June 5 to smith beach. We left from hometown at 8, I drove, she was in the jeep with me, we arrived at 10, and we stopped at the X diner and had french fries and cokes. We parked at the manhatten hotel at the beach. She put the coins in the meter. We hung out at the beach, in the sand from 10 to 12:30, then we went for lunch, we went to Dairy Queen, on the beach we talked about.....

See the difference?

She can add some cards to the "hat" as well. Questions SHE has. Not just about convo's with the OW, but things SHE would like to address.

Get in the habit of answering and doing a mind dump. Do this for about one hour twice a week. The rest of the time, try to just do MB things, like UA time, and avoiding LB's and other L$B withdrawals.

Eventually, the "hat" will no lnger have any cards in it.

Its a great way to live.

LG

That sounds like a great idea. I would go for that, I am not sure Broken will. I will talk to her about it if she will listen to me. If you saw her last post you will know what I mean. Thanks

If any of you have been keeping up with Broken's posts you can see what way things are headed for now. She is still moving but says that she will be moving on after she gets settled.

After some begging and pleading I had clearer thoughts (I think) and no sleep. I told her that I am not going to give up and I am going to continue to make chances to myself and make things better for her and the kids.

I offered to let her have the place I was living for herself and I will find something else that way she can be somewhat settled and not have to worry about that right away.

I asked her to do nothing and by that I mean not make any decisions. I asked her to sit back and watch what I am doing and I expect nothing in return. If after some time she still feels the way she does now that I will do everything I can to make sure she and the kids are in good shape to move on.

I started to feel sorry for myself and then I stopped myself because this is my doing and I have not right to feel that way. (This is were you all agree with me). Never in my life have I felt as alone as I do now.

I am not going to give up.

I told her a couple weeks ago that the song "The Man I Want To Be" by Chris Young is a song from me to her. It is an absolute mirror image of how I feel. Everytime I hear it I am amazed how spot on it is. I just watched the video. I haven't found the phone booth but I hope he has heard my calls and has given me the tools to build the life I want so badly.