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I just found out my husband had a 2 yr. affair. It is devestating to say the least. Unfortunately, this is his 2nd. A. The first one was 14 yrs. ago. I trusted him and forgave him over the years.( of course I have never forgotten) Now I have to deal with this again. Agony!!! I have been reading on here for about a week and it has helped me alot. I am wondering how much should I find out about the affair? My heart can only take so much. I don't know if I want to hear every little detail. He has had NC with OW, this I know because he ended it in front of me with some very choice words to her.(Over the phone) He changed both of our cell phone # immediatly, so she could not contact us. I check e-mail and cell phone daily. I do find it strange that she has not tried to contact him, because he called it off, and tried to do so several times before, but she would threaten him every time. She has my e-mail address and home phone#, so she could easily contact us. It has been only 2wks. I feel like 2 yrs. of my life has been fake. I don't know how to explain, but I am sure most of you know what I mean. Will my husband truly ever know how much he has hurt me? I can't imagine he would unless I did the same thing to him. (which I never would) How much can one BW take? Help!
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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I am sorry that you are here. Welcome. MB is a place where you can learn a lot about marriage and gain ways to survive infidelity. Here is a link to a thread that has a lot of info for the newly betrayed spouse.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I am 40, My WH is 39. We have 3 kids DD 18, DS 15, DD 13. Married for 18 yrs. together 20yrs. WH met AP through work. WH is a 'water man' and delivered to AP's work. The A lasted 2 yrs. I found out about WH and OW because he confessed to me, said he could not handle stress anymore wanted out of A for a long time. OW would black mail him. I have ordered the book Surviving An Affair for both me and WH. I am shaking as I write this. So nervous, maybe it's just nerves.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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sunshine, does he still deliver water to the OW's business? Is the OW married and has her husband been told about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Who knows about the affair? Is OW married? Does your WH still work in the same company? Could he still "run into" OW?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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No, WH does not still deliver at OW's work, but I forgot to mention that after the A started OW started receiving water at her house, which is on WH route. WH has informed someone at his work to pick up the cooler from OW's house, it is in collections anyway. WH is suppose to inform me when this happens. OW contacted WH on his work phone the day after A came out, and left a message stating that she will never contact him again she knows A is over now, and can someone pick up her cooler. WH had me listen to message a soon as OW sent it. OW is not married.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Your WH had an affair 14 years ago? How long did it last? How did you find out? How did you recover from that affair?
The more you read on here, the more you will understand that your WH had an affair because of HIS weak boundaries. He will have to solidify those boundaries before you two could have a successful marriage.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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SS, how do you know this? Have you independently verified this or is it something the OW told your H?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SS, here is what it will take to recover your marriage and keep in mind the goal of Marriage Builders is to create ROMANTIC LOVE; that is what we mean by recovery: The most important ingredient: Undivided Attention [This program does not work without this element] The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SL Yes WH had A 14 yrs ago. A lasted 6 wks. I found out when I was driving WH car I had to find the seatbelt to strap my baby in the car seat,I found two cards under the seat and they were OBVIOUSLY NOT meant for me. I never recovered the 'right way' from that A. We went to MC, but that was about it. I am determined to do it the right way this time.
ML the OW is not married, found out she was D in 2006 thru public records. Thank you both for all of your advice so far. I have read this website up and down in the last week and appreciate any advice anyone can give.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Joined: May 2010
Posts: 131
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I have another question. Should I consider getting spyware for WH cell phone, or a keylogger? Even though the A is over, I obviously can't trust him for a looooong time! I can't afford to get hurt like this again. WH has promised me over and over that he will never do it again and he's been telling me how sorry he is, but of course trust is a big issue since this is his 2nd. A.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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Snooping should be kept up indefinitely. It is something that would give you piece of mind. It will also help so this doesn't happen again.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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You never did answer the exposure question though, who knows about the affair?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I have another question. Should I consider getting spyware for WH cell phone, or a keylogger? Even though the A is over, I obviously can't trust him for a looooong time! I can't afford to get hurt like this again. WH has promised me over and over that he will never do it again and he's been telling me how sorry he is, but of course trust is a big issue since this is his 2nd. A. But what good does that do if they contact each other every day at work? You already know they are in still contact so the affair is still on. If an alcoholic changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" is he in recovery or is he in denial? All of the spying is a waste of your time until he leaves that job. Your marriage cannot recover until that changes.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Look for signs in his attitude, gotta make sure that he is truly remorse by this, and that he is not just shrugging it off, and telling you fog babble! So what is he telling you other then he is sorry and that the affair is over? Because actions speaks louder than words. I would definitely look into spy ware just to be on the save side. You have already gotten hurt twice you definitely don't want to get hurt for the third time, protecting your self is the SMART thing to do. If he starts getting angry at you if he accidental finds out that you are spying on him and he goes into defense mode than he is still in the A. I agree on him getting another job since they can be easily contacted from his work. You are talking about a 2 yr A, a couple weeks of saying the A is over wont be enough 
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I agree with all of you, but, the A is over. They have had NC at all. WH changed his cell#, another worker is picking up OW water cooler at her house. WH asked a coworker to pick it up. WH endend the A by phone right in front of me. He was so angry and used VERY mean and hurtful words to OW. WH told me about A. WH told me he wanted to end A a long time ago (over a year ago) I know that is hard to believe, but he told me that OW always said " I have you by the balls!" " I can call your wife any time" I guess OW was getting very possesive and jealous of WH's family(us!) My WH has said he felt such relief and the stress is gone for him, except for the fact that he is the cause of all this pain I have to endure. He said he will do anything I need him to do to save this marriage, we are going to read 'Surviving an Affair' together, we both got a book. We are going to MC. He is overwhelmingly remorseful. Much different than A 14 yrs.ago. He never even apologized for that one, and we never talked about it. We have decided we are going to get through this A the right way. As for exposure, touchy subject. To be perfectly honest I have decided not to tell anyone. I know y'all are gonna bash me for that but, 14 yrs ago everyone knew. Family members thought I was nuts for staying with him. It was sooo stressful. I can't go through that again. Everyone will think I am such a dumba**.
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
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Reading together will help a lot, take survey's too to see how well you are meeting each other needs, I know that helped with us because there were needs that I didn't even know about till we did the survey. make goals as a family, to make sure you are both excited in the next week, month, and years. Once you have an excited goal together as a family nothing will come between you!
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Thank you SR, I needed some positive feedback. We are both excited to see this marriage get better. It can only get better from here!!
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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Sunshine, I just want to welcome you. I am new here, too, but these people on here are wonderful and have great advice. So much of your story sounds just like mine (this is my first time dealing with A though, but the OW threatening WH to call you, ending it on the phone in front of you, etc). That's the part that is so great about this board -- people here UNDERSTAND -- they've been there -- they know how it feels to be the BS. I don't think anyone can know the devistation a BS feels unless they have actually been in the situation. Read, read, read and ask questions.
Last edited by feelinghurt10; 05/19/10 03:38 PM.
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Thank you, FeelingHurt. It's amazing how much words can help. I remember reading your thread. How are things now? For me it's the mental images, they suck!! I don't know why, but I need to see what this OW looks like. I'm almost obsessive about it. It drives me nuts!
BW(me)41
WH 40
DD19, DS16, DD14.
M19 yrs. Together 21yrs
D-Day 05/05/2010
Trying to work on M together with MB principles.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
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