Ok it is making sense. And do I want it to actually get to court, or am I just doing everything possible to drag it out and see what happens?

Remember, I don't want to get 'kicked' out of my house nor do I want someone telling me when I can see my daughter. As of now, my wife is on board with the daughter and us spending time together...I hate to see that I can affect that. But, on the other hand, I am fighting to never have to leave my daughter ever again right (and my wife)?

Am I getting this yet? Please, be tough...I've obviously got a thick skull (according to my wife)

If you don't get your butt to an attorney and COUNTERSUE for adultery, you are not only going to find yourself kicked out, but paying the mortgage while the OM moves in and takes your place!

Do your clothes fit him?

igrip, please listen to me, friend. Your wife's goal is to REPLACE you with the OM. This is her fantasy. And if you cooperate, you are going to be replaced. Don 't fight with her, just quietly open up a can of Texas whoop [censored] on her affair and strive to save your marriage and your child's family. Because if oyu won't put up a fight, the affair will WIN.

And some day the fog will roll off and your wife will wonder why you didn't care enough to fight for her and your daughter. If someone was breaking into your house and assaulting your wife and daughter, wouldn't you defend them? An affair is a worse assualt, igrip.

Your family needs you to lead them out of this.

Ok, another random.

My wife printed out stuff on emotional abuse...I did do 'some' of those things...and I DO feel terrible about it. Making things her fault, not seeing her side of the story, blaming her for the argument...nothing I am proud of, but since I have learned one month ago that she wasn't happy, every day I read, have been speaking to a counselor....and changing. I like the new me and I believe I have become much better as a husband, father and man. But, I cannot ignore the fact that I did that.

I feel badly. I know she resents me for that. How does that get into my situation here...I feel for her...I WANT her to give me a second chance at this, but cannot force her to. Adultery aside, I messed up as well. Yes, I forgive her...but right now, she does not forgive me. THAT is my biggest issue right now....internal turmoil over what I actually did do and how it made her feel like this.

I view this as a distraction. It is a drunk who blames his drinking on his spouse.

In your case all of your past behavior has been trotted out and dramatized in a manipulative attempt to justify the unjustifiable and make you feel guilty. It is much easier to focus on the time you didn't clean out the microwave in 1929 than it is to look in the mirror and see the ugly, dirty spectacle of ADULTERY and ruination of a child's family isn't it?

It is the CLASSIC behavior of a guilt ridden wayward to rewrite the history of their marriage to portray themselves as the hapless victim.

There is absolutely nothing you have done that is abusive as adultery and the destruction of your child's family. Nothing.

My only suggestion would be to try NOT to laugh in her face when she does this. Simply tell her you know how it feels to be abused since adultery is as traumatic as PHYSICAL ASSAULT, RAPE OR THE DEATH OF A CHILD.

Be polite when you say it and DO NOT BUST OUT LAUGHING WHEN she says stupid, manipulative stuff like that.

Show her this article and video by Dr Harley:

video here

ITA with everything ML has said so far...but I wanted to add something...

Another reason you are fighting and why fighting works..

Because deep down...women BELIEVE in fairy tales.




In summation, you fight for your wife because YOU already made the vow to do so. She has taken the road to death (waywardism) and you are her only protector. Only YOU can save her. You risk it all because you are supposed to. Today...you remain her husband. Be THAT. Fulfill YOUR obligations to God and your vows and allow the chips to fall as they may. If you are successfull in busting up the affair and saving your marriage your wife will NEVER forget the nobility you demonstrated when you stepped up and fought for her. Especially when she ends up looking back in disgust at her own behavior. You loved her enough to fight for her in her lowest and darkest moments. What more of a man does she need or ever want??? YOU already are her knight so act like it.

In addition...if you don't fight, you are supporting her rationalization and justification that you don't care about her. You make OM appear the better alternative...in comparison, because he at least ACTS willing to climb any mountain and sail across stormy seas to be with her. That's one big reason that...absent a FIGHT...you are bound to lose. Women don't want a wimp...they want a knight.

I won't lie to you...you MAY lose more ($/custody) than you would have had you taken the terrorist's (your wife's) deal being offered to you today. A few BH's that I've seen come through MB have seemingly regretted "not taking the deal". You may. But IMO there is worth to your self-esteem even in defeat. You'll forever be able to look your ex-wife, yourself and your child in the eyes and say you stood up and fought for what was right with everything you had. You'll also be able to move on without second guessing yourself (what if I HAD fought???? What if I HAD listened to the folks on MB????). So if your choice is to stand and fight...then do it without hesitation, question or regret and HITCH YOURSELF UP TO THE A PLAN.

IMO and very personal experience...it's worth the risk.

Mr. Wondering

Never seen melody rwinger and wondering's steer someone wrong.

I second Mr W post

I want to also say she has already given her hand or her battle plan if you dont agree - emotional abuse. You need to fight with the truth in the courts. Adultery can be used in Texas - use it. It could be the difference in custody and spousal support. I dont know about you - I would not want to pay SS to xwife and her boyfriend for the next three years to maintain his lifestyle.

Will also add that I would rather torch my home before the OM sleeps in my bed. Now you know where I stand - I have an 18 yr old dtr who has a 1 yr old dtr. If it were me and my dtr was only2 - I would spend the last penny defending myself at the least, and the marriage to keep her away from an OM raising her as the primary male role model.

Igrip,

I know how inconceivable and counter-intuitive it is for you to ponder how �fighting� will �make (your) wife want to stay�. I, like yourself and many BHs, felt wishy-washy and confused by this too. I am trying SO VERY HARD to keep you from making the same mistakes I did � mistakes that I guarantee you will result in divorce, her running full-tilt to the OM, and her manipulating, deceiving, and playing you for a sucker and a fool.

If you want to save your marriage, DO NOT DO THESE:
--focus exclusively on trying to �win her back�
--appease or supplicate to her
--appear weak, needy, desperate, or �helpless� w/o her
--go along passively or gently with the divorce in hopes she will see how �nice� you are
--be bullied or go along with her demands (to destroy your family)
--forget about your MAIN GOAL (pressuring the affair to early termination)

We have illustrated to you WHY this is necessary. Doing so will result in:
--WW seeing you as weak and no woman can respect or be attracted to a man she can walk all over
--You feeling increasingly beaten-down, out-of-control, depressed, and at her mercy
--Perpetuation of the affair as her fantasy, fogged-out addiction to OM goes unchallenged
--The OM appearing to be the obvious �better long-run option� to her

No one is advising you to suddenly become a raging tyrant. We are advising you to be strong and firm in your Plan A towards her directly while also doing all you can to pressure and degrade the fantasy of her affair/OM. Keep the following mantras in your mind at all times and ACT on them (both in front of her and via your lawyer):
--You do love your wife and want to restore a new & improved marriage with her
--You are a STRONG, CONFIDENT man who is responsible for himself but cannot control her
--You are NOT responsible for her CHOICES to cheat and threaten the family�s/marriage�s integrity
--You will NOT TOLERATE or EXCUSE or CONDONE her affair in any way
--You, if she insists upon proceeding, will NOT roll-over for her; you will fight tooth-and-nail against her attempts to destroy your marriage/family. You will make it clear to her that you will make divorce VERY lengthy and unpleasant for her.

Please, please remember this: Even though �planting the seed� of positive impressions of you in her head via the Plan A carrot is important, THE 800LB GORILLA IN THE ROOM IS THE AFFAIR! Your most successful strategy is to pressure the affair (any way you can) to a permanent conclusion asap while you out-last it!!!

Your WW needs to see you as a man who loves her but does not �need� her, a man determined to fight for his family, and a man who will not go �quietly into the night� due to her POSOM. Get it???

EXACTLY!!!


Don't let worries about 'making her mad' dissuade you -- if she gets angry (and she WILL), remember that she is angry because you are impeding her depraved affair-fantasy.

That is what you want to do -- IMPEDE AND DESTROY IT.

WONDERFUL last page of advice..thank you again everyone.

Here is a new twist in the plot of my life.

Today, we had a GREAT day BTW. However, last night, she came out to tell me her mind was racing and she was typing her thoughts (faster than writing). I nodded and did not ask what.

This morning, she tells me what she was thinking and typing. Nothing is concrete of course, but she thought about our conversation yesterday when I asked her to put 'my shoes' on and look at it from there. This is what she came up with.

I keep the house.
WE have joint custody of our daughter which will sleep here in her own bed and wakes me up every morning as usual (our daughter, not my wife).
I pay no child support.
She moves in with her mother (next door, but still).
She agreed that no sleepovers here or anywhere with any 'other man' are appropriate.

Weird..very weird. She did not want me to lose my relationship with our daughter. I believe her. She really feels that. Of course, we would have to discuss many more details, but with a plan like that, what is there to fight?

After that discussion, we took our daughter out of town to an Aquarium, had a great lunch and had fun with our daughter.

When I came out of the restroom with our daughter during lunch, she had tears in her eyes. I did not ask why. During dinner however, she told me that she was looking around at families taking pictures and she could not remember what it felt like to be happy. I told her how I thought 'happiness was a choice' and although I was not happy with the situation going on with us, I chose to be happy today. Not argumentative, just conversationally to see what was going on in her mind.

During the drive back home, we talked about going to a water park next weekend, talked about church (we have never been together) and talked about visiting her family in Colorado in the next few weeks. She did mention that she didn't want it to be harder on me since we were doing fun stuff together, but not to see as a sign of hope or change....I told her that until the ring was on her finger, she was sleeping in our bed and that she told me we would give it another chance, I would not assume anything.

Easier said than done of course as I honestly have hope. And I want to make her happy again. She is wonderfully considerate to give these kind of options to me and our daughter...I'm sure not many women would do that (again, we are assuming she will stand by her word and for the time being, I do believe her as she has no reason to lie about that part, nor has she lied about anything besides her affair to this point).

So, where am I?

Had a great day, had conversation and she is actually opening up to me again. Not warming up, but opening up. Better than the wall I have been faced with for the past 3.5 weeks IMO. Hope? Normal behavior? What is my next move? I 'hope' that 'time' will heal...and that the divorce can be 'amicably' held up. How do I do that now that she is 'giving' me everything I would have originally been fighting for? Any thoughts on the days events?

So, you are surrending to divorce without even trying to save your marriage? And you feel like you got a good deal??

igrip, there is nothing good about divorce. You did not get a "deal." She knows you have her by the balls in TEXAS becuase of her adultery. So she didn't give you a damn thing. YOU ALREADY HAD THE ADVANTAGE.

What she wrested out of you was an AMICABLE DIVORCE; an arrangement where she PRETENDS like she is mommy of the year, enjoys all the benefits of marriage, and then goes home and plays single woman. This is what every WS wants while they are fogged out, an EASY SOFT divorce, where you will be their "friend" and you won't object while she sticks it you and your child. She doesn't want you to object while she destroys your marriage.

I propose a better "deal." Let her know you will not cooperate with her divorce and will be countersuing for adultery.


And you are CRAZY if you think it is a solution for her to spend the nights with you when you are divorced. That is cruel and unusual punishment.

.
THIS is what you have been "fighting for??"

I don't get it...I get part of it...but not all of it.

NO, I do not want a divorce. Period. I want my wife.

So, countersuing and 'making it tough' is what I want to continue doing? Please forgive me and explain..I need details because I am lost. I figured 'drawing it out' would be enough..I guess I am wrong but missing something.

Hi igrip.

Ya know the other day when I posted to you I should have at least tried to give you more help.

Mr. W, and others have done that for you.

Ya know what, I think you are doing good, except for one thing. You don't realize yet I don't think that you are fighting a war on two fronts. The only country or person that I know of that could do that is the U.S.

I think you are intermixing your reactions to her resentments for you with your divorce strategy in what you have to do to portect Yourself and your daughter. I.e., you are like letting her sap your energy. Yea, you may have done some of the bad things in your marriage that turned her off and have created her resentments over legitimate complaints, but those are things you need to address separate and apart from the divorce strategy. That can only be done if she is on board with you and agrees to work with you on your marriage aned those issues. Otherwise, you will be in constant conflict.

By the way igrip, in Il adultery is grounds for divorce. I paid an attorney $175 back in Feb to see what my rights were. He told me it does not have any impact in this state other than having the adultery recorded in the public record.

Igrip, here is what I would recommend, but as most of the veterans here will probably say, I have not gone thru a divorce or a long-term affair, so back away. But anyway:


1) Separate in your mind the two wars.

2) Do the best Plan A you possibly can. Ignore her tears.

2) Hire a great defensive 'fathers rights' attorney

3) Do something she would not expect but that she would wonder about. Hug her or kiss her or both and then just walk away without a word. Most women would wonder.

4) Do somethnig for You. A movie you like, a long bike ride, a ballgame, just to get away. Tell her tho first.

5) Button your lip in terms of R conversation. I know, easier said than done. The default on this tho is that be silent until You know she wants that type of conversation.

6) Think baseball. I know, silly but still. Would you as a GM negotiate a new contract with a previosly highly-rated player who wants $200MM for five years?

Igrip I am just telling you this honestly from my heart. I am Not any kind of veteran here. I simply am telling you this as just me that I do care what will happen to you yur wife and yur daughter.

Thanks,

Tom

igrip, I would just refer you to my previous posts. I have already explained this.

That creek with out a paddle.

Congratulations...you've just struck out out without taking one swing.

How long before YOUR daughter is calling OM daddy?

I'm trying to get it..honestly, I am.

Ok, will keep fighting for my marriage....countersue will clear the fog because this is still a fog? She is willing to 'give up' everything to be 'happy' with this OM. I am reading it correct right?

If I give in, I am guaranteed a divorce. If I fight, I have a chance of either. Correct?