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Love the thread Chrisner. I don't read much anymore, but when I saw your name attached to the thread entitled "Assault the Ambush" I was intrigued...sneaky bugger.
The Z once told me, after I asked him to leave and I wanted a divorce, that I ruined his chance with Aimless due to my exposure at his work (OW#2--he claims she wasn't an OW cuz we were on a break) It had nothing to do with how wrong it was or anything...and how his coworkers looked down upon him...or how much of a donkey's patoot he felt like for hurting his wife and kid...nope...his true love failed because I told people about it. Riiiiight, that's it, that's the ticket.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
Aph - don't blame MB for a failed recipe that you refused to follow. You did Plan FU NOT Plan B. That's okay as long as you embrace the Plan FU results that you got. But you post from a far too angry tone to convince me you enjoy the results. And you blame MB for that failure every chance you get. You followed the Aph Plan, not the Harley plan.
As for how to assault the ambush, This is the best example of how a MAN handles discovery and recovery.
I am bitter, I am angry.....I did what I could possibly do except for finding MB a few months after Dday...now when I say "I did what I could possibly do" I mean I didnt do a good job....The feelings were overwhelming to me, Partly because of my depression, partly was just plain complete devastation....
Okay, that being said....I did a half-a$$ed Plan B, I know I have pretty much ruined my chances at R....I did that, not MB, I truly believe in MB...I tell newbies I am the example of someone who didnt do a DARK PLAN B, to encourage them to do a DARK plan B.....MY point is I do not blame MB. I blame me.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B
Aph - don't blame MB for a failed recipe that you refused to follow. You did Plan FU NOT Plan B. That's okay as long as you embrace the Plan FU results that you got. But you post from a far too angry tone to convince me you enjoy the results. And you blame MB for that failure every chance you get. You followed the Aph Plan, not the Harley plan.
You hit the nail on the head..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
My first marriage, I fought for my WW, and she got the divorce she wanted despite my fight for her, the marriage and the family. I got the house, she got the divorce and primary custody.
I'm re-married. But I wouldn't fight for my wife should she cheat. I've been down that road and won't go down it again. In fact, if she were to cheat, I'd probably never marry again. But one cannot say for certain.
However, I will have no children with her, I've seen to that, so if she should decide to betray me, she's off the team, forever.
I totally understand. I think I can safely say that I would do the same thing. My FWH knows that he got his one pass on this. If it ever happened again I probably would walk away, too. I think I've only got one betrayal experience within me to be able to handle.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
I don�t necessarily agree with the premise of this thread. I would like to offer a counter example.
Even before finding MB, I almost immediately went very dark Plan B. Asked WW to move out. Made her move out, actually.
After consulting with a child psychologist, I told DS everything, and I mean everything.
I confronted OM in person. In his own corner office. With a friend of mine who was a starting tackle at the Naval Academy standing sidewise in the doorway and picking his teeth with a chicken bone.
Oh, I researched him very thoroughly.
Even before finding MB, I exposed in a nuclear detonation to everyone who knew him, even remotely, within 100 miles. Even to his long ago ex-wife and all their grown children. I called his current wife and told her everything, more than once, even though she at first did not want to hear it. I kept after her until she now hates him.
I went to great pains and got him fired from his job (OK, to avoid getting fired he took early retirement a week before he was to be fired.)
I still plan to tell his children with his stbx current wife everything. I have it all written down for them - every sordid detail. An itemization of every unethical thing he has ever done, and everything they have ever lost because of him. When I am done his own children will hate him.
Call me Hamlet, but my long term plan is to leave him with nothing but eventual suicide.
Funny thing, though. After I drove him half way across the country with only what he could carry, after the dust settled, I discovered to my surprise I did not think it was worth it.
I didn�t want WW any more either. He can have her.
So am I a wimp too?
Or crazy?
So if I am reading this post right in your own experience you did:
Dark Plan B � check Told son � check Nuclear exposure to all � check Went all Wyatt Earp on OM and brought hell with you � check OM fled in terror � check Adultery over � check
So you are saying the MB plans worked just as advertised but you don�t recommend them or support the recommendation of them to others?
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
In the case of adultery, I don't understand what there is left to fear from your spouse. They have already committed the ultimate betrayal. How could it get any worse? If they are unrepentant, then it is actually better if they get mad and leave than stay and continue to torment you and the children. (Repentance, of course, would be better than either of those options.)
Before Marriage Builders, my response to adultery would've been to kick my wife to the street and fight like hell to get 100% custody of my children. Now I know that recovery after adultery is possible ... but I also know how to tell when it's not going to work (if she hasn't kicked the lover to the curb, implemented extreme precautions, and started the Marriage Builders program to restore love in the marriage) and when I therefore shouldn't bother.
What is there to be afraid of when you've already had your world shattered?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
My epiphany came the very day I discovered Marriage Builders about 3-weeks after D-Day. After reading for hours here I realized that in order to save my marriage I had to be willing to risk losing it.
Action implies risk. But only a plan and decisive action could give me any chance to save my marriage.
If you are ambushed and do nothing, you will die. If you take action to break up the ambush you are still at risk but you have a chance. You get a fighting chance.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
It has helped me realize what nice guys do. The whole Im sorry for your affair I'll go arrange the flowers. This is totally my problem. It teaches assertiveness, not aggressiveness, or passiveness.
It is not manly to be aggressive and a bully, and it is not a attractive to be passive flower guy. My wife finds me sexy when I am assertive and do what I should do without hesitation, or waiting for someone else to do it for me.
For example an passive person who is short changed at a grocery store would say, "Oh, well I guess I'm out $0.50." An aggressive man would go in and walk straight up to the cashier and yell for being short changed. An Assertive man would go in, wait his turn and say, "There has been a mistake on my change see." show the cashier the receipt and get his money back.
An assertive man would face conflict, and not get taken out by it, or would they become overly aggressive.
What this worls lacks are assertive men who would respect a bear, but shoot it if it charges.
In the case of adultery, I don't understand what there is left to fear from your spouse. They have already committed the ultimate betrayal. How could it get any worse? If they are unrepentant, then it is actually better if they get mad and leave than stay and continue to torment you and the children. (Repentance, of course, would be better than either of those options.)
Before Marriage Builders, my response to adultery would've been to kick my wife to the street and fight like hell to get 100% custody of my children. Now I know that recovery after adultery is possible ... but I also know how to tell when it's not going to work (if she hasn't kicked the lover to the curb, implemented extreme precautions, and started the Marriage Builders program to restore love in the marriage) and when I therefore shouldn't bother.
What is there to be afraid of when you've already had your world shattered?
My automatic response was to cling on to WH, I couldnt deal with completely losing him. I mean what you are saying is absolutely logical, markos...but sometimes the BS is in a such a panic and are so blindsided, that logic is thrown out the window.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B
It was like my H was on life support and replaced with WH...but I couldnt face it and was clinging on to my H keeping him on life support, but was already gone(now WH). I couldnt face it, I just couldnt. It was waaayy to much for me.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B
Frankly, I ended up divorced from my WW, after exposure, etc. After reading Dr H's view, that if Joyce cheated, he'd divorce her, I agree.
My wife may HAVE been a great catch, but once someone decides an affair is the solution to the marriage problems, they lose that status.
I personally WILL NOT fight for a wayward wife. If she cannot see my value, then I'm better off without her. Plan D, immediate, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
I've done the try to win the WW back under SH's coaching and will NOT ever try it again.
I went so far as to get a vasectomy after my divorce so I wouldn't have any more children.
Life is just too valuable to be spent with someone who cannot honor her vows.
To me that's another totally valid way of standing up for yourself (and presumably your children).
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
Too many people here mistake a man controlling his agression as fear. Men learn to control their agression in order to be successful. FWIW, success seems to make women swoon too.
Me 43 BH MT 43 WW Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats D-day July, 2005 4.5 False Recoveries Me - recovered The M - recovered
Just be warned that vasectomies CAN reverse themselves over time....maybe go in for a checkup to make sure you're a harmless python instead of a venomous black mamba every once in a while.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
Too many people here mistake a man controlling his agression as fear. Men learn to control their agression in order to be successful. FWIW, success seems to make women swoon too.
It not just controlling aggression, its becoming a passive doormat, and that does not lead to success. Here is a nice sliding scale for assertiveness.
doormat........take lead........Abusive jerk.
Best to be in the take lead part, and not be an abusive jerk about it.
There are MANY women who enjoy when a man take the lead. I happen to be one of them. (I'm just not a leader...)
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
