Dinner is in the oven, will be ready for when H gets home. If I can keep the 2 yr old from having a melt down (he has been whining non stop for the past 2 hours and no amount of food or drink seems to be working), he can leave the chaos from work behind and come home to some quiet. I may have 4 kids, but I pride myself that most people comment after coming here about how quiet this place is. Most of our friends have half or less the amount of kids we do and their homes are so loud and hectic (not to say it is not here ever) that we come back home to relax.

It is now Wine O'clock.

Those would be the steps going *down*, right? Can someone direct me to the up-stairs? lol

Gdar, ya gotta tell me how you pronounce your name. Is it "guh-Dar' " or "Guh'-dar" or "Jee'-dar" or even "gah-dar" or "gay-dar"?

I call her 'gee-dar'.

Yeah. Lets go with Gee-Dar. LOL

It is a combination of my kids names, sorry to be confusing! 2 years ago I was told no one could look at my name without thinking I have a Gaydar. LOL

Well. H said he would be home around 4:45-5. It is 5:30 and no call. We have been in this sich a lot. I mean, a lot. I assumed he would be late, so dinner will be ready at 6.

*** he called while I was typing this.

He got done with his meeting at 5. Was too busy to call me to let me know he would not be coming home until later than he said.

I handled it well. I did not do my typical, which would be to point out he told me he would be home at X and he is calling me X time after what he said. By the time he gets home, he will be well over an hour later than he said.

I am not dying. I am still alive. LOL

lol to Jayners...and a

:P



Gdar...those are very important steps. You really don't want to do LBs BECAUSE they block you from feeling love, acting from love...they control the power struggle we engage in and we tell ourselves it's a love struggle.

More steps...learning how to stand still.

You said you were at a loss for what to say when he made the session "me me me".

Injecting respect is removing our disrespectful choices and choosing a new goal. Each supports and solidifies the other. When we stop a habit, i.e., DJs, there can be a void. What would you fill it with? Understanding. I think that's what our DJs really are in the first place...our desire to understand, and it's a shortcut for the real thing.

One is fantasy and one is reality.

How do you stand still and not pursue or withdraw? You listen and repeat. That's something so important. You don't assume you heard what was said...especially not in person. We communicate through body language, facial expressions, accompanied by tone and inflection. That's a lot going on and we're "reading" a bunch of non-verbal stuff.

So to break your assumptive patterns...you focus on the words said, and hand them back, asking for confirmation or clarification. Truly striving first to understand, then be understood.

Takes away fodder that builds your AO's...your mental DJs fuel a lot of it. And it slows down your reactive process...your goal is to stand still...repeating what you heard helps you to act, not react.

Gdar, you are on the road you really want...to create and maintain healthy boundaries and healthy enforcements. Because you fear being rode over, hurt, taken advantage of and used. Reasonable. Understandable.

Boundaries help us to know we are safe because of our actions, not others...weans our focus off of them...and puts it onto us, where we really have power.

You cannot get your H to stop fearing. You can stop adding, reinforcing, proving his fear true...and most are DJs in his head, too, towards you. When you stand still you ARE changing the dance. Helps you to become present, standing in the right now, and resentment must stand at bay...no longer is your secret goal to build...and it's not going to like that, btw. Because you had it in this place of importance, and now you'll work against it.

It's a hard habit to break. Standing still breaks it.

One boundary you can focus on is the one you break. When you AO, unleash the "you" statements and feel blame up to your knees...think about what it took for you to give yourself permission to cross that boundary. I hear that you excuse others for their harmful actions when a level of stress, outside demands rise inside your marriage.

With boundaries, there are predetermined, progressive enforcements...not excuses.

And striving to understand does not mean you approve...means you accept what isn't yours and want to know, and be known.

Again, takes your focus off of "lack"...of what you aren't getting...and really cleans your side of the street for YOU...when you take a look at how you permit yourself to react...and H is the one you use vicariously to deliver that permission.

You hate that when he does that.

LA

Is it possible that he got stopped a multitude of times out the door and it took him that long to get down. I can't imagine it was an intentional "I'll keep her waiting...that'll piss her off" attitude and that's why it took him so long. And is it possible that he intended and thought he would have the time to spend with you but it did not happen because of his position at work?

My wife used to come occasionally (she doesn�t anymore as it caused too many fights) to pick me up from work for lunch. It was not uncommon for me to get stopped no less than 15 times (yes I counted) to get asked questions or to clarify something. Even if I told everyone �I can�t talk right now, I�m on my way out� it still added up to enough time that my wife would be sitting out there waiting impatiently.

This sounds a lot like what my wife and I go through during the school year. I�m notoriously home late. I�ve never been an on-time person. I remember that I would try as much as possible to call and say I�d be late but there would be times I couldn�t until I was walking out the door in which I�m already late. Then she�d point that I said I�d be home at X time and off to the races with yelling we�d be. Thankfully I can often just shoot a text now saying I�ll be late. Of course, the problem then lies with do I remember to shoot the text before I look at my watch and say �damn, I�m late� or �damn, I�m going to be late�. She just assumes I�ll be a half hour late home most of the time and I try to remember to shoot a text and it solves all the problems.
Good job on not falling into having an AO.

Yes, this is exactly what happens.

Thank you. Yes, this is also exactly how it goes. He feels he cannot take the time to let me know he will be late, because he is already in the middle of what is making him late, and I feel that since I am holding up dinner for 5 other people, he should let me know, so I can decide to get on with dinner or wait for him. We (I) strive to sit down as a family for dinner, so I find myself a lot of the time pushing dinner later and later and later, until the 2 yr is beside himself because he is tired and it is too close to his bed time. I do expect he will be 30 minutes late most days. Changing my expectations, pushing dinner to later, I still find myself frustrated with "can you please text me if you will be later, so I can feed the family and not wait".

G, I solved the dinner thing by serving it at the same time daily, whether he participated or not. It's on the table at 6:30. The thing about having family dinner, if it is set at a time when everyone can make it if they try, the person who doesn't make it is the one who feels the loss the most. They're the one who eats alone.

There is a big difference between arranging the family around an odd but predictable schedule, and arranging around an erratic one. Go for the predictable when it comes to the kids. They need the structure, whether your H decides to give it or not.

LA, I think I did a better job this morning. In the midst of it, I was annoyed, but once I got through the morning, I am not upset, so that is a plus!

I wanted SF this morning. He had a hard time getting out of bed (I fell asleep last night at 7, HEAVEN) this morning, so I got up and let the puppy out, then crawled back in bed. I... got the ball rolling for SF, but he said he did not have time. Got up, turned on the shower, then asked me to pick out something for him to wear and iron it. We have an inside joke about how when we have morning SF, I get up and iron his clothes while he showers. No SF today, but wanted his clothes taken care of. Also, when our 4 yr old gets in the showers on Tues & Thur, he combs out the awful knots in her hair because she has preschool. Today, he didn't.

We both have to be where we are going by the same time. He takes the 13 yr old with him, I take the 4 and 2 yr old with me. Difference is, 13 yr old gets himself ready, I am getting myself, a 4 and 2 yr old ready before I can go.

So what this morning ended up being was:

H too tired to take out puppy.

I want SF, but it does not happen because he does not have time.

He does not comb DD hair because he does not have time.

Leaves with 13 yr old (who is already ready to go)

I take out puppy, iron his clothes, hop in shower for myself and to comb DD hair, get myself, 4 yr old and 2 yr old showered, fed and dressed. Take out puppy again, then crate her and THEN I go, with a 4 and 2 yr old in tow.

Again, we have the same amount of time to be someplace at the same time. I have crammed in care for 4 people to get out the door. He got to leave with care for 1.

Mornings like this usually get me upset. Today, I let it roll off my back. I am no worse for wear, either. Not bad!

Thank you. I think this is something I am going to have to do.

How would your morning have gone if you had no puppy, no 4 year old, and no 2 year old?

I think you took on an awful lot. No wonder YOUR needs are not getting met. Do you take on sex as a "time saver" replacement for many other of your needs that are not gettng met?

(I used to do that)

What difference would it make? It's not like she can *poof* them gone. Get off your momma-hating trip, Stel. It helps NOBODY.

If her marriage is hurting because she took on too much, then there are solutions.

1. No more kids
2. No more pets
3. Carve out time REALIZING you have too much going on
4. Hang in there until the kids can dress themselves, train them.

It is not too late to get the puppy a good/ different home.

Is is too late for the kids. You asked her to imagine her morning without a 2yo and 4yo.

It's unimaginable, and offensive to a mother.

Stella, I have mad love for you, but I have to agree with CMWI. I LOVE being a mother. LOVE IT. My kids are not going anywhere. LOL

I am not getting rid of a puppy we just got. It is important to ME to have my children be raised with a pet. It teaches patience, love, care and empathy.

Not to mention we had a home invasion (on a Sat night while we were HOME) 2 months ago, and I have a feeling if our German Shepherd would have still been alive, that would not have happened (she died 4 yr ago), so I got another one.

How do you mean, time saver? I like SF. I like it a lot. Always have. A huge component to my marriage. I suppose I am more like a male in this regard. It is very important to me.

i can't even begin to imagine what it would be like for my wife to initiate SF in the morning...and she's a SAHM...what a way to start the day connecting intimately...who can't spare 10 minutes?